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AIBU?

To not want to go to EX's family party

37 replies

Crappyatnames · 10/03/2017 11:42

Left DH 3 months ago. Have DD, just turned 2. He is absent even more so than before I left him. Choosing to work all hours, go out at night and stay in bed at the weekends until 6pm, yes 6pm. DD and I have our own place now which is much better. His nieces birthday party next Sat, we both received an invite to take DD but he has put down for overtime that day. I really dont want to go, his family hate me for leaving him but they've been in touch to see if I am taking her. AIBU to not want to go, as he should be taking her plus I really cannot be around his family yet.

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GatoradeMeBitch · 10/03/2017 13:45

In this situation I think I would send the message "Given the recent tension between us I don't think it would be right for me to come, but I'm happy for someone to collect DD and drop her home after. In future though, 'ex' should make his own arrangements for his family events, thank you."

And if she is going, buy a gift and as a pp said, make sure you clearly mark it from you and DD, do not add his name, and do not let it go without a tag so that they can say it's from him!

KC225 · 10/03/2017 13:21

If you do or do not decide to go and I think you should send a gift and a card marked clearly from you and DD. You are your own family unit now you do not have to be tainted by his lack of effort and care. Especially if his family are generous with DD it is only fair to reciprocate.

If it all seems too overwhelming with all of them there, why not say DD has a sickness virus on the day but make a point of you and your DD dropping off a card a and gift to the niece in person a few days later. It will break the ice in a less dramatic way.

IamFriedSpam · 10/03/2017 13:20

Obviously DD's dad should be taking her and making sure she doesn't miss out on that side of her family but given he's rubbish I would probably want to keep ties for the sake of DD - it's nice to have a close relationship with grandparents and cousins etc. I can totally understand it being awkward for you to go though. As others have suggested could you drop her off?

Nquartz · 10/03/2017 13:05

I agree, if she wants to go either drop her off and pick her up or he can arrange for one of his relatives to take her and bring her back.
Definitely don't buy a present it is no longer your responsibility.
He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own family.

Penfold007 · 10/03/2017 13:00

Crappy this really isn't your problem. If your ex wanted his child to have a relationship with his family or wanted to buy gifts he'd do what is necessary.

coconutpie · 10/03/2017 12:55

Do not buy gifts for his family, that is his responsibility.

Crappyatnames · 10/03/2017 12:53

Yes exactly! This is the sort of advice I need to hear. Thanks

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RandomMess · 10/03/2017 12:52

Beyond confirming it's ok for you to drop her there and pick up later none of it is your problem. In fact you could actually say if someone wants to come and collect DD and take her and bring her back as her Dad isn't going to you are happy to let her go.

Your responsibility is pretty much to make her available for contact and build a relationship with them so long as it's healthy for her as really it's up to her Dad not you!

ADayGivingMeHope · 10/03/2017 12:51

Would you be ok with his parents (your DD grandparents) to take her to the party so she can enjoy it but you don't have to go?

Also, you've split so you don't have to stress about his family now, it's his job!

Chloe84 · 10/03/2017 12:48

His family are generous to DD, but I know that he wont get his niece a gift as he is useless ...

Not your circus and not your monkeys OP. Please don't feel you need to do this 'wifework' anymore - you're free of him! His family, his problem.

TheStoic · 10/03/2017 12:47

Repeat after me: this is not your problem.

He is an adult human.

Crappyatnames · 10/03/2017 12:45

Whether I go or not, re gifts - what do I do about this? His family are generous to DD, but I know that he wont get his niece a gift as he is useless ....same as his step mother next month, she is 60 and she is so generous to DD but I know he wont bother to get her something, I feel like I should!

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GatoradeMeBitch · 10/03/2017 12:44

And that includes doing all I can to ensure as full a relationship as possible with the other half of his family.

But it sounds like your ex's family don't hate you. If they were treating you badly would you still go? Being a good mother does not equal being a doormat.

GatoradeMeBitch · 10/03/2017 12:41

You don't NEED to see him or his family at all - 'longer you leave it' doesn't apply. Your DD can see them through her DF.

His social calendar no longer affects you. If he wanted his DD to go to the party, he should have arranged that. If his family wanted you to continue bringing her to them, they shouldn't have been hateful to you. All of this is their problem, not yours.

SpringerS · 10/03/2017 12:40

I don't know. The way I see it, I'm my son's only proper parent and it's my responsibility to ensure that he benefits from everything in life that he is entitled to. It shouldn't be my sole responsibility but it is. And that includes doing all I can to ensure as full a relationship as possible with the other half of his family. If my ex can't be counted on to do it, it becomes my responsibility because I'm my son's mother and they are his family.

Now I'll be honest, it's somewhat easier for me because my in-laws understand why I can't allow my husband to live with our son or have any sort of responsibility for him. (He was an alcoholic and is now a drug addict.) But that also means that the only way my son and his paternal family can have any sort of relationship is through me. And my son deserves to have his grandad, aunt, uncle and cousins as part of his life. He already misses out on a lot by having a crap dad, I'm not going to let him miss out on the love of close family even if it is a bit awkward for me.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/03/2017 12:36

I would go back with
"I had assumed exH was taking her, if another family member is available to take her, then I am happy for her to go."

Make it their issue if they want her to be there.

Wolpertinger · 10/03/2017 12:29

My Mum is from the generation where women did everything with their kids and men are there to take in the money

Seriously, how old is your mum? My mum's 75 and she wouldn't stand for that shit.

You have no reason to see any of his family again if you don't want to. Either he takes her to party, you drop off and pick up or you don't bother.

msrisotto · 10/03/2017 12:23

YANBU this shit is no longer your problem! And watch what kind of precedent you set. If you do this, both he and they will demand more and more of you. This really is his responsibility, don't do it for him. He sounds like a lazy twat.

pamplemoussed · 10/03/2017 12:14

You don't need to go but it would be good if your dd could go to her cousin's party. Your ex needs to arrange for another family member to collect her and escort her and return her if he cannot. Not your problem.

coconutpie · 10/03/2017 12:13

YANBU. Don't go.

SaucyJack · 10/03/2017 12:13

PS: obv. YANBU to not want to go yourself.

Northend77 · 10/03/2017 12:12

No. If you got on well with his family then I'd suggest taking her however she has only just turned 2 so she' won't really be missing out and I guess hasn't yet really bonded with her cousins at this point so I don't think you need to go

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SaucyJack · 10/03/2017 12:11

Would it be a practical solution for them to pick her up/drop her off again afterwards?

This situation isn't going to be a one-off, so you may as well set the ground rules now for how you'd like contact with the extended family to go when she's in your care.

MusicToMyEars800 · 10/03/2017 12:11

Yanbu, don't go if you really don't want to or alternatively drop your dd off and pick her up a couple of hours later, it is entirely your choice.

Crappyatnames · 10/03/2017 12:09

My Mum is from the generation where women did everything with their kids and men are there to take in the money. Extremely annoying at times as she actually justifies his behaviour!

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