First up, I know I’m being unreasonable. Massively so. I am so lucky, ridiculously lucky. I have 3 gorgeous happy, healthy kids, I’m in a new relationship with the loveliest, kindest man in the world, I have brilliant friends and I get to sometime rock at my job. But here’s the thing. I’m a total fucking train wreck - I feel like I’m failing at everything and I’m the worst mum / girlfriend / friend / employee in the world.
Being a single parent is so fucking hard. I’ve been on my own since my youngest was 5 weeks old and my gobshite of an ex husband decided to slap me whilst I was feeding her in bed because I’d committed the ultimate crime of turning the fucking heating down. The next year was a nightmare, he refused to pay his half of the mortgage so I had to go back to work when she was 12 weeks and a bottle refuser, tried to fight for custody, delayed the divorce, made false reports to social services etc etc. It was hideous and I thought I’d never get through it. I don’t want to talk about gobshite ex husband (GEXH) because (1) I’m just too tired, (2) it gives him power and (3) it makes me sad, but for background - he has the kids once or twice a month when he can be bothered and pays the minimum he can get away with in child maintenance despite earning 3 times what I do. I feel like I never get a break because when I don’t have the kids, I’m playing catch up with cleaning / washing / ironing / batch cooking. I asked him to have the kids for a couple of extra nights in May and October and he refused because his job is too important and having the kids overnight would make him too tired.
I’m 4 years into being a single mum and I feel like I’m at breaking point. I think the one thing that kept me going was that it would get easier at some point but my kids are 11, 6 and 4 and it’s still a complete shit storm. My 11 year old is doing the whole pre teenage angst thing. Nothing is good enough and she spends most of her time shouting at me or trashing her room. My middle child has what CAHMS call complex needs. We don’t have a diagnosis yet but everything from autism, behavioural issues and something called oppositional defiant disorder are being looked into. I’m talking to the school, CAHMS, SENCOs, ELSAs, doctors, local authority co-ordinators, social services to make sure I’m doing everything I can to make sure that he is supported and safe but holy christ it's hard. Every day he hits me, poos himself and says things like he wishes I was dead - that’s when he’s not trying to destroy the house / things I’ve done for work / the inside of my car. I can’t turn around for a second because if i step away even to stick some washing on or put things in the tumble dryer then world war three kicks off. My youngest is really clingy - sometimes she tries to copy her big brother’s behaviour but most of them time just wants to be carried everywhere and screams the place down if I don’t have her in my arms all the time. She wakes up 2 / 3 times a night and I feel like I never get more than a couple of hours of unbroken sleep at a time.
I just feel like I can’t cope any more. The final straw was yesterday when I asked GEXH to have the kids for some extra days in May and October for work thing and he said no. I actually wish I was dead. This isn’t a cry for help, I’m not going to do anything stupid because (1) there’d be no one to look after the kids (2) there’s be no one to pay the mortgage and I’m not leaving that for anyone else to sort out (3) it would absolutely destroy my parents, they’re both in a different country (thanks a lot BREXIT) and (4) I’m not leaving a mess for some poor guard / emergency services worker / random punter just passing buy to clean up but I honestly wish I was dead. I feel like that most days to be honest - I keep going because I have to. For my kids, for my parents for everyone that relies on me. I know this is probably just the depression talking - I do all the things I’m meant to, I take the happy pills, try mindfulness, talking therapy but I just feel so sad, all the time and this time I just can’t seem to woman up, put my big girl pants on and sort things out. I just feel so tired, all the time. Went to see my GP last week and begged her for something, anything that could help me deal with everything better but all she could do was give me blood tests (that all came back normal) and usher me out the door whilst I was still crying my eyes out. She literally couldn’t get me out of the room fast enough so there’s probably a whole waiting room full of people that think I’m nuts.
It’s half ten at night and I need to tidy up, clean the kitchen & bathroom, do packed lunches, iron some uniforms and un fuck my house. I can’t go to bed because that’s covered in an ironing pile and I need to take the rubbish out, The thing is, I’m sat downstairs on the sofa and I can’t seem to stop crying. My house is a shit tip, I can’t afford to take any time off work (got made redundant last year, new job, still on probation, can’t afford to not work otherwise I’d lose the house) I need to lose 3 stone and there’s just crap everywhere. I actually can’t face going upstairs because my 6 year old sometimes smears poo on the walls and I just can’t face it tonight.
Can someone please talk some sense into me? Please?
AIBU?
Falling down - need to woman up - please talk some sense into me
craicdealer · 07/03/2017 22:39
OP - I just wanted to come in to tell you you're absolutely amazing. I know you don't feel like it, but you are.
I'm amazed there's no provision anywhere for some support with your middle son. Admittedly, I'm probably a bit naive about these things, but could you just keep presenting at your GP to say you can't cope with his behaviour at home? At some point the GP will have to listen. Years ago I worked for SS and there were loads of packages to support parents in their homes in instances of children with "complex needs". Sounds like you're engaged with the relevant agencies anyway, but don't be afraid to stress to them that you are at breaking point and the impact in your other children is probably more severe than anyone realises.
I'm so glad your new relationship is going well. At least there's that to keep you sane.
Hope you feel better today 
Hi OP, well done for sharing and getting this far! I'm afraid I don't have much in the way of practical advice, just that I empathise - I too have wished I was dead, but without wanting to do it myself. Like wanting to go to sleep and just never wake up. And the fact that you have so many positives in your life makes you feel guilty for feeling depressed and just adds to it - I get it! You can't help the chemicals in your brain being out of whack and you deserve better help, so I hope you get it. Big hugs and
Thanks all. Things seem a bit brighter today. All 3 kids safely at school / breakfast club / childminders and I've talked to my boss who to be fair has been brilliant. I'm going to work from home today so I can grab some sleep and then attack the house and I'll make up the time later.
Thank you so much for the hand holding and support, it means the world it really does. 
and 
to everyone who shared so that I don't feel so alone - you're all rock stars and I really, really appreciate it.
YANBU it sounds shit, your ex is an utterly selfish and nasty prick and no wonder you feel utterly ground down. 
Rant away, you deserve it.
But what I admit I am completely bewildered by this:
my parents, they’re both in a different country (thanks a lot BREXIT)
Are they aware how much you are stuggling and would one of them be in a position to come for a few weeks or months or even permanently to help you cope? What about your ex-PILs, do you have any support from them? Do they know what an utter pig their son is being?
I've no advice to give but just wanted to say, like others have, that you sound absolutely fricking amazing and I am in awe of you. Please please give yourself credit for being brilliant and strong and brave in the face of so much pressure. I hope you feel able to reach out to people around you.
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