To talk to the mum deirectly now

[Passthesalt1]

I'm pretty relaxed when it comes to kids and arguments at school because I know one day they are friends and the next day arguments again etc.

Dd is autistic, has hypermobility, kidney problems and the biggest thing is she has a paralysed face due to her nerves not growing in utero.

Dd came home last week with bruises at up her side and told me "Tom" had done it, spoke to the school and they spoke to the kids about telling a teacher if someone hurt them and how they use kind hands etc. It turned out she had been pushed in the cloakroom and had hit a coat peg.

They are 4 btw. Well today I'm doing dd hair and go to put it up to keep it out of her eyes as it's cold and they get infected easily and she starts crying saying no because it looks stupid and then says "tom" will be mean to me.

Toms name is getting spoken so much in our house in relation to dd, she's no special snow flake, due to her autism she can be challenging.

Do I speak to the mum now? Or just leave it since they are all so small and let's be honest, they are all hitting, cuddling, running around together?

[Userone1]

Don't leave it. Personally I would be emailing about every incidents.

Having a ds with autism, he can misinterpret some situations as being more negative than they actually are. On the other hand he is also extremely vulnerable to bullying too.

Either way he needs help and support.

[mygorgeousmilo]

I think I'd go with speaking to the teacher again, maybe even her SENCO before directly approaching the mum. My son has autism and one theory to check out (I'm not saying this kid hasn't been unkind), is that after one initial incident she has fixated on him being an aggressor. My son is very hard on other children that have ever caused him any upset, very unforgiving and he struggles to move past previous incidents. Once a kid is 'bad', he's had it with them. This is just a theory for your DD of course and he may well have been unkind regularly. Another friend's son, with autism, still draws pictures of what he calls the bully, who was unpleasant to him two years ago on holiday.

[Verbena37]

Forgot to say, that even if your dd is unknowingly starting these things, I wasn't meaning Tom shouldn't have consequences. It's normal for kids that age to lash out but he also needs to learn about boundaries.
If the teacher has said they friends not enemies, she perhaps hasn't observed them much. I'd be making sure they'd watched more closely so as nothing else happens to your dd.

[Verbena37]

We had lots of tricky situations with DS in reception class and mostly, it was other boys hurting him. He just shied away and wouldn't say anything and let them hurt him. He is now diagnosed with ASD.

However, sometimes, over the past couple of years, there have been a few ASD related social issues, like him joking on and on and annoying others until they just whack him. So whilsthe outcome is physical and being done to him, it's sometimes his quirky ways that instigate the whack or poke etc.

Could it be possible that your dd has said something she thinks totally harmless and annoyed 'Tom' until he has hurt her or pushed her away?
If that's the case, then school can do 1:1 social stories with her to help her understand boundaries etc. If they have a social story computer programme, they're supposed to be very good. If not, it could be something their SENCO could buy. They're really good for all children, not just those with ASD or related disorders.

[Annahibiscuits]

Don't leave it, poor girl

[Sundance01]

Always speak to the school first and they can watch the kids together - you never know this child could be reacting to something your child has done. Equally he could be trying to be nice to your daughter and getting it all wrong.

Mt daughter was approached by a parent moaning about my GS saying he had hit him and that her child was coming home regularly saying my GS had hit him and there were bruises - they were really aggressive.

Luckily the teacher who had been on duty happened to hear - it was not a teacher either parent knew - and stated clearly she had seen and dealt with the incident and our GS had hit the other child once after being hit repeatedly by him and she had spotted the incident and come over to break it up and saw our GS trying non violent ways to stop what was happening before lashing out. The class teacher said a similar incident had happened a few days ago. Our GS is a big and very strong lad and one punch from him really hurts but he was using this as a last resort and the other boy was always the one starting it.

Our GS had nothing whatsoever about this to us but their child was going home repeatedly telling his parents our GS was hitting him

[Passthesalt1]

I've spoken to the school and did and tom ate good friends then enemies. So I'm going leave it when did mentions anything. Thank you all. The mum is lovely but I don't see dad.

[AliciaMayEmory]

Definitely talk to the school. I made the mistake of speaking with a Mum when DD was being hit at school and the school hadn't sorted it. Lesson learned and I give her a very wide berth now!

[RB68]

School always school don't get involved with Mum its up to the school to manage behaviour in school and up to school to address parents if their child has behavioural issues in school

[lljkk]

Talk 2 the school. Tom's mom doesn't have a remote control system operating on him. He wouldn't be so boisterous if he had good self control & could remember what he's not supposed to do. Staff need to know so they can reinforce social norms when he's in a triggering situation.

[Annahibiscuits]

Please talk to the school and very firmly ask them what they are going to keep your daughter safe. Do not worry about upsetting people, or how nice Tom or his family might be

We had a very similar experience with my dd and a 'Tom'...18 months down the line, I have had to remove my dd from school and she is seeing a paedeatrician for stress related vomiting (50 times a day)

[Megatherium]

It's the school's duty to keep your child safe, so this is definitely one for them to deal with. If they feel that it would be helpful to talk to Tom's parents, no doubt they will do so.

[MyOtherNameIsTaken]

If you talk to the mum she'll go straight into protective tigress mode and it won't achieve anything. Always speak with the teacher.

[bloodyteenagers]

Talk to the teacher not the staff. They may be Dow playing it, or the teacher is thinking it's third hand. I know you take her in later it ask if you can talk to the teacher over the phone or via email if you cannot talk after school.

[IamFriedSpam]

Definitely don't approach mum, speak to the school again though and ask for a follow up on what's been done. The school will probably speak to Tom's parents and she's likely to react better with it coming from them than you. Obviously the parents will probably want to help and make sure the problem doesn't continue but with a four year old it will need to be dealt with both at school and at home anyway so school's the best point of contact.

[SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn]

I'd also recommend that you talk to the teacher directly rather than through the school office. This is simply because the situation will then be communicated in your own words rather than filtered through the interpretation of a third party. Most teachers would want this information and an informal chat would then allow them to observe interactions between the two and come up with strategies to help. At this age relationships with peers can change so swiftly. Ultimately, discussing the situation with the teacher is likely to be more effective and less potentially emotive than with the mum no matter how nice she is. Hope this is soon sorted for you and your Dd.

[user1471537877]

As a mum with a now older aspie DD who has been in this situation l would say please only talk to the teacher

After a few situations like this we realised that DD can become quite fixated about individuals and although the kids often were doing the things she said, her perception as an autistic child was that she was always a victim which is common with the social deficit in autism

[MerryMarigold]

And does Tom have a dad?

Relevance?

And if the answer is that 'why is it only the mum's problem'? then you are being facetious. Mum clearly does the drop off, OP knows her a little bit as knows she is nice, so obviously IF she were going to speak to a parent, it would be this one.

[Witchend]

Don't talk to the mum.

If you do you have to b prepared to hear "yes and your dd's name is all I hear and what,she's done to Tom"

[Spikeyball]

Talk to the school. They are the one in the position to sort it out.

[MerryMarigold]

I don't think Tom's mum can do a lot. I would make the teacher aware of it, so she can keep her eyes open and deal with things as they happen.

[fairweathercyclist]

Don't talk to the mum! What happens in school is for the school to sort out.

And does Tom have a dad?

[Hoppinggreen]

Even the " nicest " mum can go evil on you if you approach them directly about their child!!
Deal with it via school