To think Universal Credit will put women off leaving shitty/abusive relationships?

[RocketQueenP]

10 years ago I fled a really bad relationship and became a lone parent...it's been on my mind a bit lately as was ten years ago last month. It took me a long time to ask ex to leave but I did it.

It was quite shit, I wasn't working and had to jump through a lot of hoops and I was fairly broke, but I was allowed to stay in our rented house with my baby DC. We had full rent and council tax paid plus just enough for food and utility bills. A while down the line I was moved to a HA house (due to my LL being a twat)...wouldn't happen now. Thanks to having a secure home and a little bit of income I was soon able to pick myself up. I got onto a paid uni course, started work, started a business and met and married a new partner. We claim nothing now, own a home and earn good money.

But this new system of universal credit.... some of my friends have been put on it and it's horrendous. Weeks on end waiting for any money, while being bullied constantly about going back to work or working more hours. People have ended up with rent arrears, had to use food banks, not been able to afford to heat or light their homes. Also it's a LOT less money than the old system of income support (or jsa) with tax credits and housing benefit. I honestly do not know how people survive 😰. And I dont think many will manage to get out of it like I (and a lot of people who were in similar situations at same time as me) did.

Aibu to think that a lot of mums will end up staying in bad relationships rather than be placed at the mercy of this shitty new system. Tbh I would probably have stayed out of fear of not being able to provide for my child.

[RocketQueenP]

YY ask basil

[AskBasil]

"Although I suppose the idea with UC is that there is no main care giver cos both parents are working all hours under sun"

Yes, they're pretending that most women aren't still the main care giver even when both parents work all hours under the sun.

[RocketQueenP]

Oh they Clearly know full well the implications Sock. They just don't give a shiney shit. 🤔

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

The gov already know it is going to cause issues where DA exists.

I know this because the abuse service I run has spent a long time telling them as have women's aid and almost every other abuse service in the country

[RocketQueenP]

That is very true miss mayhem . I think it should be automatically awarded to the main care giver like tax credits are/were. Although I suppose the idea with UC is that there is no main care giver cos both parents are working all hours under sun 😡

[missymayhemsmum]

One of the things with UC is that all the money for the whole household goes to one the account- usually the first claimant. So a lot more women will have no access to family money unless they do leave, but leaving is now much harder

[HelenaDove]

Ask Basil

[HelenaDove]

This is also going to affect the mixed age pensioner couple so is likely to affect carers.


www.ageuk.org.uk/money-matters/claiming-benefits/the-welfare-reform-act/

[KateSpade]

Thank you rocket I've made my peace with it now, but I've been put through so much stress, it was awful! Now, I have no childcare fortunately to claim as school has started, but there was many a time where I walked into work & cried after being refused payment for the most ridiculous reasons. I couldn't speak to anyone regarding payments as depts don't take phone calls, either.

Someone once told me to pay my nursery fees with a credit card instead.

[AskBasil]

I agree with Greenlines.

It's not just financial support that is needed.

I was in a relationship which did not involve physical violence, but massive emotional and psychological abuse and it took me a long time to actually realise that that's what it was. I was gaslighted and manipulated throughout the whole time I was with my xp and being in a state of permanent almost-panic was absolutely normal for me. For the first 10 years after the break, with hindsight I can see that I was still in a state of heightened anxiety the whole time, but I didn't realise it because it was my normal.

I needed a few years, to chill out, calm down and come to terms with what had happened in my relationship and to understand why I'd taken up that relationship in the first place. That meant acknowledging that my abusive childhood had affected me more than I'd known and also learning how not to repeat abusive patterns with my own kids.

I could not have done that if I'd been accountable to some hard faced DWP staff member demanding that I do more work. I was lucky, I worked part time from home and I earned enough with tax credits to keep my head above water and have enough time to do parenting classes, go to counselling, read about how to heal myself - all stuff which when you work full time, you simply don't have the mental energy to deal with.

I so needed that time to heal and I was so lucky that Gordon Brown was chancellor. I think if I had been under the pressure that lone mothers are under now, I would not have been able to recover to the extent I have and I would most certainly have damaged my DC's more as a consequence.

But who cares about damaging children eh. Not the (mainly) men who rule us.

[RocketQueenP]

Green lines i hope things are better for you now x

[greenlines]

Agree with Dawndonna, I am very well educated (three degrees) and I suffered in an abusive relationship. It's a myth that all women who suffer abuse must be uneducated, I have known several women with professional jobs who appear confident outwardly but have been in terrible DV relationships. I would say though that self esteem was a big part of it, but for me that was something that needed to be supported through therapy, it's not something that can be simply taught. The whole theory of assertiveness/healthy relationships was not unknown to me, I've written essays on them - but that doesn't necessarily mean we can apply it to our own situations.

What made a real difference in my situation was practical and financial help. I was on benefits for some years after leaving DV because the whole experience was so traumatic that it left me mentally ill. My dc was so traumatised that they needed time off school and I had to be there for them. And I was allocated a council house so we had a secure home, I got support with my issues through community mental health and psychotherapy, and enough money through benefits and tax credits to live a reasonable life without having to resort to food banks etc. I don't think we would have coped in the UC system. I would have been pushed out to work earlier, as they wouldn't recognise my MH needs under the current system. People don't realise that women don't just need financial help immediately after leaving DV, the scars of abuse run deep and it takes years to heal (I still suffer from flashbacks 17+ years on). I couldn't have just got up and got a job afterwards even though I was highly qualified.

[malificent7]

Sorry... will they give the saved money to the poor? Nope.

[malificent7]

However under this goverment will the money go to the poor? No... it will go towards the house of commons bar tab i expect.

[Dawndonnaagain]

I think the bigger piece here, as others have said, is around education.
I'm afraid that doesn't always work. I am extremely articulate and well educated. I was in an abusive relationship for over 20 years. Sometimes, even the recognition isn't enough, there needs to be more help and earlier interventions.

This govt is completely heartless and doesn't give a shit about poor women in abusive relationships, or their children.
This government doesn't give a shit about the poor, and there are ways round it. Trident. Peeling back the civil service. Sorting out the complete and utter mess that is the NHS would save a fortune. There are many places in which money could be saved and a great deal start in Westminster.

[LastnightaDJ]

AskBasil - yes. I wasn't being entirely serious... Although I do believe there is a naivete among some of the liberal elite about just how life is for someone who isn't middle class and/or educated.. Speaking as someone who grew up in a mixed area and went "up in the world" - I'm astonished and saddened that people can be so unaware of how "the other half" live.

[RocketQueenP]

Askbasil I definitely agree with that.

[AskBasil]

It's not that they don't realise the impact of these cuts.

It's that they don't care.

And more than that, many of them have an agenda to force women to stay in horrible relationships, because they believe divorce, family break up etc., is bad.

And they would rather women get beaten up occasionally, than that kid grow up without living with their fathers.

They don't like the fact that we're not in the 1950's anymore and that women have choices, they point to bad outcomes for children of lone parents, ignoring that the bad outcomes are because of lack of money (if you take income out of the mix, children of lone parents have exactly the same outcome that other kids have); they know that in order to make outcomes for children of lone parents better, they need to provide those families with more money; but their ideology forbids them to do that, so they would rather keep lone parent family in poverty and women in abusive relationships. OK, 2 women a week get murdered, but that's not very many in their eyes and the price of paying for prison, care for their kids, mental health problems in the future, terrible outcomes because of what those children witnessed - all that's worth paying for because they probably believe that it costs less than paying lone families a bit more.

I suspect they're wrong though, I suspect it would save the country a fortune in court costs, prisons, judiciary, mental health services, A&E, educational problems, productivity etc. that it would to properly support lone parents.

The men who run the country can find money for what they want. They just don't want to find it for women and children.

[LastnightaDJ]

AFAIK it is also only paid to one party in a household, rather than to each partner separately. I was incredulous about this in my local CAB office when I first read my training notes and made a general comment to the other advisers in the room - it was perhaps a testament to the good fortune of the women present that not one of them twigged that my point was that this might cause issues for a woman (or man, lets not forget) suffering in an abusive relationship - this hadn't even occurred to them. Perhaps the "naice" civil servants drafting the policy hadn't realised this either....

[RocketQueenP]

Would prob end up saving the country £millions in long term

[user892]

Yy - self esteem, assertiveness, confidence, healthy relationship modelling etc..

[RocketQueenP]

I agree user892 it's about time it was taught. Along with building kids self esteem from an early age less of them will end up either in or staying in shit and / or abusive relationships

[citybushisland]

Cuts and austerity are down to ideology not lack of money. This government has made massive cuts, dramatically reduced the civil service and yet have and are spending more and taking us deeper into debt than the Labour administration did in 13 years. The lies and pitting one group against another distract from what they actually do in reality.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

agree, there is a woman I know with multiple kids, abusive partner and no job. she needs a job basically.

that said , there isn't enough money- I think to say This govt is completely heartless and doesn't give a shit about poor women in abusive relationships, or their children

I mean what more important?
refugees
expensive cancer treatment
elderly people
maternity services
social services for abused kids
social services for kids when they leave the care system
teachers
GPs
Nurses
libraries
homeless accommodation/B&B
legal aid

surely there is a finite amount of money and cuts are cuts

[user892]

thenaze I do think, as a long term strategy, recognising and standing up to abuse (all forms) should be part of school PSE lessons. Especially low level coercive control. Not really relevant to this thread though.