AIBU to want to be a midwife?

[jellypi3]

Bit of a weird one for AIBU.

I want to be a midwife. I have looked into it quite a lot, visited uni's, worked out my qualifications, chatted to midwives and come to the conclusion I want to do it.

DH thinks I am dreaming up a fantasy that all new mums have (DD is 12 months) and thinks I am setting myself up to fail.

I have seriously researched it to death. I know it's fecking hard to get on a course, I know it's a ridiculously hard job to do when you do qualify, and I know it's not all cuddling babies and talking to pregnant women. And I still want to do it.

AIBU and living in a fantasy world? I feel like I need a bit of a reality check before I start on my personal statement!

[GimmeeMoore]

Women don't need to cry patriarchal oppression,because it's omnipresent on mn in society
Peruse the gave up course/career threads to see it's women who forgo career/courses for men
There's a covert and overt expectation that the woman gives things up,for men,for family

[NameChange30]

"Some people on here would no doubt cry patriarchal oppression"

Well the fact is that you sacrified your career for your children/family, and your husband didn't. Of course that was a choice you made and you weren't forced into it by your husband. I'm not here to judge other women for being "bad feminists" for the choices they make - our choices are informed by our circumstances and priorities. But you can't deny that patriarchy is a factor when it is more common for women to sacrifice their careers than men.

[FourForYouGlenCoco]

Yore = your, obviously

[FourForYouGlenCoco]

See I think wanting another dc might be a big sticking point. Iirc your little one is only a year at the moment? My dd had just turned 1 when I started my access course at college. She was quite a hard work baby and I was adamant I wouldn't want another until I was out of uni, qualified another year, etc etc.
...you know where this is going. By the time I started uni she was 2, much easier and more fun, and I became more and more desperate for another baby. I saw the age gap getting bigger and bigger and it wasn't what I wanted for my family.
I also think people have a point in saying that you need to consider yore DH's wishes. When we were discussing me dropping out, he basically said he was happy for me to drop out, have more kids etc, on the condition that I couldn't change my mind back again a year later and want to go back to uni with 2 kids in tow. I'd need to either be a SAHM or find a job that fitted in better with family life. Because he worked away so much, his thinking was that what was barely manageable with 1 would be basically impossible with 2, and would be unfair to the kids. Some people on here would no doubt cry patriarchal oppression, but actually I saw his point and agreed. When you have a child/children, for better or for worse, you have to think in the context of them and the wider family. There are plenty of things I'd like to do, that I don't do right now because it wouldn't be fair on my very small children.
Anyway OP, this isn't really relevant in your situation, getting distracted, sorry!

[jellypi3]

Sorry, lots of replies again!

He's almost finished his studying, by the time i start he will be done. I think if he appreciated how serious i am about it he would be more suppprtive, hes is really supportive most of the time! We actually chatted about it last night but he wants us to have DC 2 before i apply. But doing it with 2 DC's seems a much bigger challenge lol.

Also i do drive so getting to and from placement isn't difficult. Childcare would be covered for the next few years with DD :)

Thanks all!

[Batteriesallgone]

I do NOT think childcare is the woman's responsibility.

I think both parents have a responsibility to adequately plan the future when they have a child.

Maybe the house belongs to her grandparents and that's why they all live together. In which case she could leave her partner and still have a relatively comfortable life on a low income, as housing costs are usually what eats money.

But maybe her, her child, and her grandparents are all reliant on him carrying on working full time paying the mortgage. With a partner who's stressed out of her mind and knackered and all plans for future children put on hold. Maybe that's not what he envisioned for his future and his family and would feel pretty taken for granted. It's difficult for midwives to take holiday so if the child gets ill, he'll be the one asking for parental leave even though his wage is the one that supports their lifestyle. Now as a qualified actuary I'd expect him to have a fair bit of leeway in terms of flexibility but as a trainee, well it depends how far along he is. What about when he takes his final exams? She won't be there to support and look after him, he won't be there to support her and look after her, during some of the most stressful and difficult times of their lives they'll be lonely and passing like ships in the night.

Intense careers have an impact on family life. It helps no one to minimise that.

[thatsnotmyusername]

About half the people in my cohort had children, most some of them small like mine too. Also if you want to be a midwife don't apply for nursing too, they will reject your application. Good luck - it's a tough journey and it changes you xxxx

[3littlebadgers]

Do it Jelly! You sound like you have already given it a lot of thought and are prepared for the more challenging aspects.

I have suffered a full term still birth and a subsequent pregnancy which I am happy to be open about if you have any questions. My experience put me off applying but I think that was because the trauma was my own.

[SingingInTheRainstorm]

Personally I've just seen all the books that are trying to get your hard earned money as prep for application / interview. If you know someone at college ask if you can be really cheeky and borrow a couple of books as prep for what you're doing.
Myles is like the bible of midwifery, I think it's on its 16th edition which makes me feel old. Then look for the titles on Amazon that claim to help you and see if you can borrow it over buying it. Although at some point you will need to invest in the Myles midwifery book, it's massively thick.
If you have any health issues like the odd bad back think how that will affect you. It's maybe a bit preemptive, but get a test for HIV & Hep B&C. Ask if they're willing to give you the jab for Hep B, otherwise it's something you'll get through occ health anyway. Also think of your stamina, as you need to be on your feet a lot, so maybe take DC for a few long walks to gauge your fitness.

[SingingInTheRainstorm]

I do think that after having a baby Mum's get a dreamy feeling about midwifery. It's not all happy times, I think that's something you have to bear in mind.
If you are determined there's no harm in doing everything you can to achieve this. It's going to be a mix of Uni & placements. They get you going really quick, so you're ready for the first placement block. So it is fast paced.
To make yourself stand out to get to interview stage I would see if you have a SureStart centre nearby, maybe you could help with a group, under the supervision of others. Another thing would be to offer your services as a volunteer to help out Mum's that are struggling. Depending when you're thinking of applying, get this sorted ASAP, as the best applications have examples of when the person has selflessly given their time.

I say the above because you need certain traits to be a midwife, such as empathy, understanding, good listening skills, the ability to read body signals, good cognitive skills and the ability to act quick, autonomy, team working, tenacity, resilience, the importance of confidentiality, great communication / coaching skills to give your patient autonomy. (Basically given you keywords for your Personal Statement!)

There's various midwifery journals out there, subscribe to at least 2, ingest the contents, so at interview you can say I read about this and I found it interesting because. If you're really keen you could buy the Myers textbook.

You need to give a good balanced reason as to why this is your dream. So saying I had a baby and the care was amazing, it made me think I could do it, it something that is heard quite a bit. You need to be able to give key traits needed of a midwife, so empathy, ability to inform the patient and promote autonomy but with unbiased support. Plus some negatives, so an example could be, if a patient was classed as high risk and I was in contact with her a lot, if something happened to baby, whilst I know there's professional boundaries, at home it might have an impact.

Any way I can help, pop me a DM.

Best of luck 🍀

[MrsLouisTomlinson]

Midwifery is changing hugely at the minute. The profession as I know it won't exist in probably 5-10 years. The loss of supervision is going to have a huge impact, not only for us as midwives but for the women as well. Most have no idea how much they will be losing. Go for it as midwifery tends to be an itch you have to scratch. I just hope it matches up to your expectations.

[NameChange30]

Gimmee
"Gosh can't have a man getting inconvenienced can we"
Exactly!
So much negativity on this thread. How on earth is a woman supposed to return to work after maternity leave or time off as a SAHM and forge a satisfying career if so many other women expect her #1 priority to be taking primary responsibility for the children and house so her husband/partner can succeed in his career. It's depressing.
The OP already has family willing to help with childcare FGS.

[HiggeldyPiggeldy]

I say go for it, you have researched it well, have the relevant qualifications and childcare. I started my course with 4 dc the youngest was 4 and a half and had just started school. It was really hard, juggling the kids, course work and placements, but I had good childcare in place and back up. Its an amazing job

[Batteriesallgone]

Gimmee but wouldn't you want to time things better? I'm just confused how this whole situation has come about if he's a trainee actuary tbh. How their 5/10/20 year plan wasn't thrashed out a couple of years ago and signed in triplicate is beyond me only half joking

Of course she shouldn't have to sacrifice her career so as to not inconvenience a man. But if she's going to be relying on him to fund her lifestyle (albeit not pay for the course) it's a bit rich to stick two fingers up to his opinion isn't it?! And why would you have a child a year ago, if you've been planning this for three years without ensuring your partner is onboard.

[Libitina]

When I was pregnant I wanted to be a midwife too. I am now an obstetric theatre nurse.

As MrsSquidney said, 99% of the time it's fantastic! However, when its bad, its truly heartbreaking. It does take a special kind of person to do this job well.
If you feel this is really what you want to do, then go for it!

[UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter]

Oh and if you've really want to be a midwife then go for direct entry. They are getting rid of the conversion so you could find you have to do an additional three years after studying for a degree that you didn't really want to do.

[UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter]

The thing that stands out most for me in your posts is that your husband is not supportive. Without his complete support and understanding I think that could cause huge issues. Not just in terms of the course but for your relationship.

One person on my course quit after a term as her husband was not supportive and even though he did do his share and picked up dc from school or childminder etc he made sure she knew about it.

It's the shifts during training. I found my time at uni was actual not very much at all after the first month and there were a lot more placement time than fixed hours uni time.

You follow a mentor and you do need to stick with them to get a true continuity and fair assessments (they assess your ability on placement), you don't get uni holidays. It's two weeks at Christmas, 2 weeks in the summer and 2 other weeks. If you take time off for holidays it will be hard to catch up, especially if you miss placement.

It is a lovely job even with the bad things you can feel that you made a difference. However it is hard work. Unsociable hour, appoint pay and can be hard on families the most.

I left midwifery as I just wasn't seeing my family. Especially once they started at school it's seemed I was either in bed after nights or rushing out the door before they woke up (grandparents came over at 6am to get dc up and ready for school as dh works in London and leaves at 5.45 each day) or I was getting them off to school and then missing bedtimes and homework (some would say that was an advantage )

For me whilst my husband was very supportive and took it all in his stride I just felt that I didn't see enough of my own family or dc.

[mrsenasharples]

I have a friend who was a band 7 nurse in a different field. For a long time she wanted to be a midwife so took a band 5 job as a maternity care nurse. Midwifery wasn't what she thought it was and now she is aiming for ITU.

Another friend is a Speech and Language Therapist. Her department took on a really good Therapy Assistant who was keen to do the Masters course to become a Therapist. She lasted a week.

It's a very big decision and I think a stint as a HCA would be time well spent.

[GimmeeMoore]

Are you suggesting because her dp is doing a course means she can't?outrageous
Dp and I both did postgrads when we kids were little.its achievable
No way should op forgo her career cause her man has exams too,Gosh can't have a man getting inconvenienced can we

[Batteriesallgone]

Actuary to be? As in, doing exams?

And you want to start an incredibly intensive course too?

When will you see each other?!

[GimmeeMoore]

Why does he want you to be at home?kids go to school then what's really you meant to do?
How will you accommodate shift working,late/early and nights?
Travel to/from placement and uni,do you drive?
Will grandparents help out or you can get a cm?
What's your science skills like,there is anatomy,physiology in mw degree
Maybe do an ou module get into swing of studying again.
Look at mw chat forums see what current students discuss

[HorridHenryrule]

I had the same midwife from 8:30am until I gave birth at 17:15. She still had to clean baby and help the other midwives in theatre to get me sorted out. She had no lunch or break until she finished her shift. I think she finished at 7 or 8pm. I can't remember. It must be a challenging but rewarding job.

[jellypi3]

Sorry for the lack of reply!

I've been seriously considering it for about 3 year's now (around the time i joined MN and started ttc). I'm a member of the student midwife forum and fb page and have spoken to loads of people about it.

And yeh i can get funding in the form of a second loan, which i wont have to pay back until my first is paid off (i spoke to the student loan company a few months ago).

Regarding if its financially viable, my DH earns reasonably good money and can pretty much support us without me working (if i kick my baby clothes shopping habit - nobody told me it was so addictive!!). He's an actuary-to-be so his pay potential is much higher than mine.

As for if he would he a sahd, im sure he thinks its all costa coffee meet ups and eating cake

[Bue]

Another midwife here. The pay seriously sucks (although it's considerably better if you do primarily unsocial hours, but then your life really suffers) and it's a terrible time to be a midwife (or anything really) in the NHS, but there still isn't another job I would rather do. I'm direct entry and I do have some sympathy for the position that a nursing background would be beneficial, particularly because of the more complex population of pregnant women now, however the nursing conversion course is being cut in a lot of places so I am not sure I would rely on that route without research into that route. I have to say I also know a couple of fairly mediocre midwives who come from a nursing background, so I'm not absolutely convinced.

As to midwifery being limiting, there are many roles within midwifery and people do move around. There are also other doors open to you - you can retrain as a health visitor, I know a midwife who works in a sexual health clinic (although this is not common) and I know a few who are lactation consultants and private tongue tie practitioners (this is a role that is only open to nurses, midwives, doctors and dentists). Then of course there's Clemmie Hooper, the 'instagram midwife' who has written a book that is all over the media at the moment (maddeningly irritating woman but she's certainly making a success of her new venture). Lots of midwives also teach private antenatal/yoga/aquanatal classes etc.

[user892]

ClarasZoo - here's the list of health professional courses you can get full Student Loans Co funding for, if you already have a degree:-

Pre-registration courses in:

nursing
dietetics
occupational therapy
orthoptics
orthotics and prosthetics
physiotherapy
podiatry/chiropody
diagnostic radiography
therapeutic radiography
speech and language therapy
operating department practice