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AIBU?

Silent Treatment.

33 replies

LauraMarling · 06/02/2017 21:21

I have been thinking back on my childhood a lot recently and my parents were always very strict and I resented them for it. But actually I've realised they were really cruel.

Aibu to think thy giving a child the silent treatment for days is abuse?
(See I'm not really sure if this is normal or not?) I was a 90's baby.
I have kids myself and would never treat them like that it made me feel so lonely.

OP posts:

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Cantbeatatryer · 08/02/2017 13:45

Contrary my mum was also in the caring profession. Ironic really.

Also I can't scroll back far enough to see who said this happened to them but I also had to go nc after my wedding due to her behaviour.

Casschops · 08/02/2017 04:48

I was an 80s baby too and as a child was sent straight up to bed. Toys removed and only allowed out to go to the toilet although the door wasn't locked. I would never go out of it. Literally spent hours crying to myself stopping to eat my tea alone and have my mum berate me and tell me unless I did something about myself I would end up jobless and homeless. Good it sounds awful now in the cold light of day but it wasn't until I was older that I have it much consideration. Oddly this must have stopped young as we now have an excellent relationship. I wonder whether she looks back and thought how childish and dreadful her own behaviour could be? This was not abuse in that time and she always prided herself on never hitting. It would have been over with weight quicker! For my own son he is only six months I look at his little face and wonder how is possible that anyone could hurt a child at all. There will probably be things we do now that are children will look back on and think "I can't believe they did that" !

contrary13 · 07/02/2017 16:36

Laura - my mother was a paeds nurse. I can't remember who said this to me, but they were "in the know" in some way... and to paraphrase what they said, it was that abusive people go into caring professions. Nursing, counselling...

My mother's favourite trick is to take offence at something and refuse point blank to speak to me, dragging everyone else into it (usually by reminding them of how horrid a daughter I actually am), for days. It took me years to cotton onto it. Does your mother have friends? Actual friends? Because mine doesn't. It took me years to work out that there were people whom she used... and the rest of the population were dirt beneath her feet (and her family... fell into the latter category!). My psychologist when I was 17 explained it to me as a power trip, essentially. They were right. Doesn't help me to deal with it, though, when I know she/my brothers haven't spoken since my now adult child was a baby...

Charley50 · 07/02/2017 16:18

My childhood was abusive in other ways but I had silent treatment from a partner which made me feel anxious, distressed, distraught, powerless, like a nothing, so I imagine it must feel similar to a child whose parents are supposed to love them unconditionally.

LauraMarling · 07/02/2017 15:46

That's good you've got talking therapy! I always think I would be so bad at it but Yeah I've been getting treated for anxiety/depression for years too.
I just never felt a lot of stuff was relevant and have clearly wasted a lot of time. Seemingly waiting for someone to ask me the right questions.
Anyway my New Years resolution was to take control of my emotions/mental health so back to the GP I will go.
I'm rubbish at opening up most of the time it feels weird to just walk in and blurt a load of stuff out, but I suppose it's the only way to start?!

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Glitteryunicorn · 07/02/2017 15:31

Shit I forgot I'd changed my username to post somewhere else?! Tis me anyway!

Hermitmummy · 07/02/2017 15:30

I saw my GP as I am actually supposed to be having CBT for anxiety and depression but once we started to get into where my anxiety comes from it's become apparent that it's deeply rooted in my childhood so I've had to start addressing those issues in order to help my anxiety now.

I suspect I'll need to see someone privately once my NHS allocated sessions run out.

LauraMarling · 07/02/2017 14:42

GlitteryUnicorn did you speak to your GP first?
Or go for private counselling ?

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LauraMarling · 07/02/2017 14:41

Yes, silver lining is I was taught exactly how not to parent.
My love is completely unconditional and I make sure they always know that

OP posts:

Glitteryunicorn · 07/02/2017 14:41

My mother did this and still does this to me now, we have just gone NC (from our side) because she refused to speak to me for almost 3 years following my wedding.

My grandmother does it to her, she'd tell me how upset she was because she didn't know what she'd done and then do the exact same thing to me?!

I started councilling last year and that's helped me see it's actually emotional abuse I also read "Will I ever be good enough" by Karyl Mcbride which was recommended by my councillor and that's also helped me pick out some destructive learned behaviours that I have.

Gottagetmoving · 07/02/2017 14:31

Giving anyone the 'silent treatment' is pathetic and childish.
It is bad enough when adults do it to adults but to do that to a child is downright cruel.
However, whatever you do differently so you don't fuck up your own kids,..you will probably be doing something else you are unaware of that in later life,...they will consider was terrible.
Your mother will know deep down what she did wrong but I suspect pride and guilt will prevent her from acknowledging how you felt or admitting she was wrong.
How she can be a counsellor is baffling.

Areasonablegal · 07/02/2017 14:25

Awful. I feel for you. You wont ever be like them and as awful as it was for you, take comfort that they taught you how NOT to be as a parent. You will be a much better parent inspite of them x

toptoe · 07/02/2017 14:24

Wonder if counselling gives her a way of controlling others?

I would say you were scapegoated massively. I never had the silent treatment but think it's particularly cruel. Alongside the 'terrible baby' talk. You wouldn't have had a clue what was wrong yet taken all the blame for it because you wouldn't have thought your parents were wrong until much later on - after teens maybe. How horrible for you.

Mrsemcgregor · 07/02/2017 14:24

I don't really know what you mean by silent treatment? As in she wouldn't communicate with you at all? That's awful.

My mother didn't parent in the same way I choose to. She rarely got down on the floor and played with me for example. She was more likely to set something up for me to play with and then read a book or knit while I played. But I think that was pretty commonplace in the 80s. She gave me siblings to play with!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 07/02/2017 14:21

I think it's abusive.

I can remember times when I had upset my mum (genuinely!) and she would take herself away and ignore me for a bit. It was always so she didn't lose her temper. But that was when I had been behaving badly, and was never for a sustained amount of time.

LauraMarling · 07/02/2017 14:13

My mother doesn't believe she is cold or detached or that her own mother did wrongly by her.
She thinks my perception of her is totally false.
She often says "I don't know why I had to have a child like this"
I knew from the moment I was born what a "terrible baby" I was.
Worst part of all this is my mums occupation is a counsellor
I really need to go to one myself!

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Cantbeatatryer · 07/02/2017 11:40

I had this. One Christmas was very memorable as it was so quiet. Like contrary said she was cold and emotionally detached. I have only just realised this the last few years though as I think I blocked it out. It has caused a lot of damage though. If you grow up thinking your own mum doesn't like you, you kind of find it hard to like yourself.

contrary13 · 07/02/2017 11:04

Iam - Both of my children know that I love them unconditionally, and without hesitation or doubt (on my part). My daughter (whom I've asked for advice regarding on here before, last year) uses me as an emotional punching bag because she knows that I love her and won't just cast her aside whilst she's ill (and she really is, and I wish she would do something constructive about getting better, rather than continue to blame everything that goes wrong in her life on me and her younger brother). Her coldness is a choice, though, because it's only me she employs it against at the moment (I am dreading if she ever has children of her own, though, I have to confess). My mother also knows that I love her unconditionally - and that I won't take sides in her "fallings out" with my brothers. She equally hates and loves that I still talk to them both (one, only very recently, have I stopped being NC with, because I finally got an acknowledgment/apology for his having tried to kill me when I was 5 and he was 15...), and the silent treatment now is because I won't tell her anything about them other than "yeah, they're okay". They don't want me to. And I am not going to put the relationship that I and my son have with them at risk. It's as simple as that (my daughter is also NC with them, her choice but also theirs given that she is very like my mother). My father misses them both desperately (they're not biologically his, but he was around from the time DB2 was 4 years old), but won't go against my mother and have a relationship with anyone he's related to - except me and my children. Because I'm seen as "the passive/submissive child". I'm actually not. I just... don't see the point in engaging with most of the abuse, to be honest. My concern is raising my son and getting my daughter the help that she needs. My parents? Have made their choices and, one day, they will reap what they have sown. Just as I will. Just as my children will.

I don't remember my mother ever telling me that she loved me when I was growing up. She didn't even hug me - and if I tried to hug her, she'd awkwardly stand there with her arms at her side and make uncomfortable noises until I gave up. So I've made sure that my children (and my friends) know that they are loved. But I was one of the lucky ones who had an older brother, a father and grandparents (and older generations) who told me that they loved me frequently. It drove my mother mad, and she went out of her way to isolate me from all of them... but I knew I was loved. Just not by my mother.

Sorry OP for briefly hijacking - but you're not alone. It is a method of abuse, and one which I'm told is employed by those who had it used against them whilst they were growing up. It's their last line of defence. My mother, for example, has a mother (who I am NC with for various reasons) who still can't tell any of her children/grandchildren/great-grandchildren that she loves them... yet her parents were (and I know this from personal experience of them) warm, open people who told all of us how much they appreciated/loved us. Some people are just... cold. Emotionally detached. No empathy, no comprehension of how to treat others. Essentially? It's their problem, their choice, their responsibility.

Not ours!

Iamastonished · 07/02/2017 08:50

This thread is so sad. I am always telling DD that I love her unconditionally, even if she has misbehaved and I have had to tell her off.

contrary13 · 07/02/2017 08:46

My mother still does this to me now (I'm a '70s baby). Not so much since I pointed out that I'm the only one of her three children still talking to her (both my brothers went NC years ago, and she has a grandson she's never met/is about to have a great grandchild she'll never meet from the grandson she's not had any contact with since he was a pre-teen), but it happens. Usually when I disagree with how she's spoken to my (severely mentally ill) daughter.

It is emotional abuse.

My daughter also employs it. But she has a diagnosis of severe mental health issues. And is abusive towards me, generally. My theory, though, is that she learned at her grandmother's knee... and perhaps my older brothers were right all along!

Sunshine - I get "remember when you were 3 and you refused to X/Y/Z?!". I'm 40. And whilst I remember a lot from when I was a toddler, the main thing I remember? Was how unhappy I was, and how I felt completely on my own (my brothers are a lot older than I am, my father worked away from home a lot, and my mother... well, she's the Queen of Isolation).

Larkin was right. All we can do is try to break the cycle of abuse with our own children (I talk too much to my children, apparently... but communication, as my psychologist tells me, is key to survival!)

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 07/02/2017 08:37

Definitely emotional abuse. My GM did this to my DM (once didn't speak to her for a month for forgetting mothers' day). DM tried to kill herself at the age of 10. It's definitely affected her although not too badly all things considered - she's been a great mum (although now has dementia so new chapter) but not always very emotionally healthy.

imthelastsplash · 07/02/2017 08:33

My mum gave me the silent treatment for nearly a year (when I was 13). She only spoke to me if there were others present. She never forgave my smallest misdemeanours (think getting clothes dirty, not finishing my meal). She opted out of any care just out of my 14th birthday

7SunshineSeven7 · 07/02/2017 08:16

Not even just the silent treatment but them not forgiving you or letting it go. I would do something 4 months later and it would be ''well remember 4 months ago when...''.

LauraMarling · 07/02/2017 08:04

I always assumed your parents "fucked you uo"
But I live my life constantly trying not to fuck my children up!!
It's only now that I'm a parent myself and have spoken to more parents/adults about raising children I realised how badly my parents treated me.
It was all behind closed doors, I can from a well off, respectable family.
"Why are you so unhappy when you live in a big house"
"Your parents go to church they can't be that mean"
They're tracks were always covered.
My dad passed away 2 years ago and my relationship with my mum had always been difficult. We can get on really well (when she doesn't act like my mum) others times I am filled up with hate for her!
It's hard to know when your parents weren't obviously abusive!

Thank you to all for replying!

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MissHemsworth · 07/02/2017 07:01

Hi OP I had this also, it would continue for days, weeks sometimes & the ignoring wouldn't stop until I stood in front of my parents (mum) like some sort of criminal on the stand & explain how sorry I was, what I'd done, why I'd done it etc.

It has effected me a lot in later life. I have absolutely no self worth, I feel like I am pathetic, I have low self esteem & a constant fear of upsetting people (causing them to 'not speak' to me).

There was other stuff as well. But I just remember the times of being ignored as feeling absolutely bereft.

It is 100% EA. I was a 1980s child.

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