Has sibling abuse happened to you or your kids?

[FelineJustFine]

I'm just looking to seek about what is normal and not normal

My brother and didn't get on as young kids, "normal" name fights and smacking each other on the upper arm, it's all sibling rivalry, so what?

But when does that stop, and become abusive?
For me That line was crossed when He kicked a door into my face (after I locked it, because I was terrified) the metal lock broke my nose. I went down to A + E to my mum, who is a nurse in the local hospital
Can any of you make me see the difference?
Siblings will fight, punch and call each other such vile names.
Have you had to deal with this as a mother or a sibling of yours, or maybe you just want give some advice. All would so great full.
Thanks for taking the time to read.

[WesternMeadowlark]

Apologies - "siblings are always assumed to not be a serious threat" should be "almost always" and "siblings close in age", probably.

[WesternMeadowlark]

Yes. And that does sound abusive, especially if he had any understanding that you were frightened of him (though that's not necessary for your experiences to be classed as abuse; it only affects how it's dealt with in relation to the punishment/rehabilitation of the abuser), and especially in the light of the verbal abuse in your other post.

I know that sexual abuse by another child affects the victim every bit as much, and is therefore every bit as bad as, the same being done by an adult. I'm not sure about physical/psychological abuse, but I don't see why it would be any different.

One of the things I find horrible about sibling abuse is the way that siblings are always assumed to not be a serious threat. This happens with other children, especially those close in age, too, of course. That presumption that it's fine to leave someone alone with another child, where the same presumption would not be made about leaving them with an adult... I find that painful to witness even now.

Another weird thing is the expectation that the victim will have a good relationship with an abusive sibling later. Just because they may have been below the age of criminal responsibility and therefore gone unpunished legally, that doesn't mean that the only other option is total normality and loving closeness. If someone traumatises you, it's quite reasonable to not be able to have anything to do with them in the long term. That's the case even when they're contrite, which most abusive siblings don't seem to be [though I guess the one who are don't get talked about so much, to be fair].

[winniewigs]

I thought that what went on at home was normal, but when I saw dh being so nice with his younger siblings, I realised that it wasn't really right. My brothers are 5 and 7 years older than me. They would fight amongst themselves, giving each other nose bleeds. They were very intelligent, and my eldest brother pretty much ignored me. My other brother would beat me, slap me and thump me every day. He locked me in cupboards, held bedding over my face so that I couldn't breathe, and slammed my head in doors. He grew out of it eventually, once I grew big enough to hit him back around age 12.

I don't remember my parents doing very much about it. I think that they just found it annoying when I complained, and just saw it as nothing much to worry about.

I actually get on really well with my brothers now. We're not really close, but we do enjoy each other's company now. My brothers are now extremely kind and gentle, and deeply ashamed of their past behaviour. I don't bring it up at all any more. My dad sometimes does, but we tell him not to. No one wants to keep hearing it over and over. I suppose the fact that they are clearly remorseful and sorry, has helped me to move on and accept them for the lovely people they are now.

My dc don't always get on, and they sometimes annoy each other. But they never fight like my brothers and I used to. We don't tolerate any physical violence at all. I think that society in general doesn't tolerate violence like we used to.

[Sn0tnose]

We would fight like cats and dogs when we were children. As my brother got into his teens, he would never hit back but would either push whichever sister it was away, or hold wrists etc. And I'm ashamed to say that we really did provoke him knowing he wouldn't hit us back. We can regularly go weeks without speaking now, but I absolutely adore him and I know I mean a lot to him.

My sisters... not so much. I'm nc with the youngest and try to see the other as little as possible. We never really established any kind of friendship. She disapproves of just about everything I do, she feels the urge to tell me how she's doing so much better than the rest of us and I don't really like her very much.

[WellieWanger]

*lasting
Not last

[WellieWanger]

I suppose the difference is the last damage as you say and also if there is a power control thing as another poster said. So I could never have retaliated physically or verbally, neither did I ever dare initiate behaviour like that because I knew I would come off worse and I was genuinely terrified of her. I was more scared of her than I was my own parents. She held more power.
So that's probably the difference between whats normal and what isn't.

[Imbroglio]

My brother and I fought and it was considered normal. The damage was lasting because our parents didn't deal with it and put it down to jealousy rather than looking at what was really going on. It destroyed my self-esteem and my ability to trust in people for a long time.

[Robstersgirl]

Wouldn't! I meant wouldn't

[Robstersgirl]

I have a huge scar on my wrist where my brother pushed me into a fish tank which broke. It was a nasty injury. I still would class it as sibling abuse though.

[WellieWanger]

I absolutely understand what Sandys means by missing having a sibling relationship. A friend of mine,her best friend is her sister and they just love and support each other. And I am so envious of that. I have cried many times over not having that relationship.

[WellieWanger]

I was absolutely abused my elder sibling and am pleased it's something coming to light in the media (read an article today). I was terrified of my sibling as a child;they would hit me, torture me by trying to suffocate me, emotionally abuse me by putting me down daily, publicly humiliating me more than the usual 'banter' or ribbing you can give each other because I couldn't give it back. If I tried it would get physically hurt. When given the chance they still like to try to humiliate me. They also sexually abused me.
It's hard because they are family and perhaps because of the fear I had as a child, I still feel I have to support them. I have lost close friendships as an adult over my siblings behaviour because I felt I had to stick up for them. I briefly was concerned about having a second child incase my eldest behaves similarly towards it. But I know that part of the problem when I was growing up was that some aspects of this abuse were acknowledged and brushed off by my parents. Whereas I know the signs and wouldn't allow this to happen.
Stirred up all sorts of unpleasant emotions in me, talking about this. But I am not a child anymore and I can see through my sibling. It's funny because everyone thinks we are close. Only last year I cried at the prospect of having to spend two nights away with her and mutual friends without the support of my wonderful DH, because I was scared she would try to humiliate me and put me down in front of them. Unfortunately some people are just cruel.

[80sbabyz]

My sister who is four years older than me bullied me throughout my childhood, it was so bad our brothers had to intervene and stop her. Now we are adults in ours 30s and it hasn't stopped it moved from physical abuse to mental/emotional abuse. She has created lies about me, turned others against me, makes indirect comments/tries to put me down etc and I've done nothing but be good to her and try my best to help her. I got to the point once where i just snapped and had a go at her but now i just keep my distance. It affected me so greatly once i considered suicide. She's horrible to all of our siblings and our mother but I'm the number one target! I think its because once i was born she was no longer the youngest, she even said to me once when i was a baby she was shooed away by our parents -but she creates so many lies i don't know if she is telling the truth or not.

It doesn't matter how good and helpful i am to her she is constantly horrible to me and treats me badly. My other siblings (5 of them) i get on great with them and we are extremely close.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Femelle

Your mother using stress as an excuse for covering up your brother's violence is disgusting. . Please consider reporting this thug. My brother has pushed me around as an adult. I decided the next time he pushed me or threatened to punch me I would call the police. It hasn't happened since I made that decision. Im chronically ill and in constant pain so he could cause me serious issues just by pushing me over as he did a couple of years ago. He's very strong and he weight trains.

I don't think extreme sibling fighting is normal. Squabbling, yes. Dd is an only child and has a semi sibling relationship with a friends child - a boy. Neither his mother nor I have ever tolerated violence or nastiness between them. We parent eachothers children when we are together or looking after both so very much on the same page.

[BalloonSlayer]

I feel my two older sisters bullied me as a child, constantly hitting and belittling me. It tended to be the middle one of us who was the ringleader, it was either me and her against the oldest or the oldest and her against me (obviously I mainly remember the latter). My dad said I "gave as good as I got" but I don't remember that, I just remember being upset and anxious - teased and hit till I cried then laughed at because I was crying.

My mum didn't do much; she was the youngest of 3 as well and saw it as normal. When middle sister told me she had decided to kill me and was carefully planning it I was terrified and told my mum. She was unconcerned: "Oh your Auntie Joy was always trying to kill me! She strangled me once till I was unconscious ha ha ha" Well thanks, Mum.

We all get on fine now though. But sometimes if the two of them ever together take the piss out of me (which should be normal) I over-react and get quite upset. When my eldest sister had her DD she apologised to me for how horrible she had been, which was lovely.

My kids literally never fight. It's uncanny. I think partly I was never going to put up with any bullying and nor was DH for different reasons but also partly their natures, or rather the nature of the eldest who is a natural diplomat/peacemaker.

[SaucyDough]

My brother had schizophrenia so I would lock my door to hide from him. In one of his violent outbreaks, he poured boiling water over my arm.

[SandysMam]

I am n/c with my (emotionally and if she had the chance physically) abusive sister. One day the penny just dropped that just because we are related, i don't have to put up with it. I wouldn't let a friend or partner treat me the way she did, so why should I take it from a sibling? I miss the concept of a sibling but I don't miss her as a person.

Good luck OP, I hope you find some peace from your situation

[CigarsofthePharoahs]

I'm not sure if the relationship I had with my sister as a child was just bad, or whether it crossed the line into abusive territory.
She is 3 years older than me, my brother is 5 years older than me.
To be honest, I think a lot of it started out as resentment, she wasn't the youngest any more, I took attention away from her.
We had to share a room, we both hated that. She would go for me at times, pin me down and poke me all over, knowing that I bruised very easily. She would go through my stuff, sometimes breaking things but would scream blue murder if I so much as looked at her things. She would also go for me with her nails, I often had scratches on my hands and arms.
As I got bigger she stopped going for me physically and it was just an endless stream of horrible comments in my direction.
My Mum wonders why we don't really have much of a relationship as adults. She's made pointed comments about how I should make more of an effort to see my sister. I just don't want to. As adults we can be civil to each other, but beyond that - no. Too much bad history.

[MewlingQuim]

I was physically and sexually abused by one brother. The other I had a normal relationship with, which included fighting on occasion. The difference between the two was quite clear even when I was very young.

I spent a lot of my childhood in my room with a chair wedged against the door.

My parents were responsible for what happened to me, it was neglect. They saw on many occasions what happened but always made excuses for him, usually deciding it was all my fault for not being nicer to him

[LotsOfAxolotlsAndOcelots]

My sister is two years older than me. We are NC now at my instigation. She was abusive throughout our childhood both physically and mentally. The verbal putdowns and abuse never stopped, it just became more subtle, pointed and destructive as an adult. I can't stand to be in the same room as her, she is utterly vile in every respect. Luckily (or unluckily) she is like it with some others around her, those she considers beneath her and sucks up to anyone she sees as superior. DMum tried to protect me from her but it was futile. All it did was drive her to be more crafty and hidden in her activities.

[contrary13]

Yes.

DB2 is ten years older than I am - and until I was born... he was very much the baby (DB1 is 4 years older than he is). When I was 5, and DB2 was 15, he had an argument with DB1 (19 at the time) over something or other... and, to get back at DB1, he tried to kill me. Hung me over the mezzanine balcony in our grandparents house, directly over a sheer drop down the well of three flights of stairs and was going to drop me. To this day, I don't even know what the argument was about, only that I wasn't involved, until DB2 grabbed me and hung me over the balcony. All I remember is DB1 and our grandmother pleading with DB2 to pull me back up and my grandmother trying to reach out over the stairs they were standing on to try to grab me, and the desperation on her face when she realised he'd positioned himself/me so that she/DB1 couldn't reach. Meanwhile, my grandfather was on the 'phone to the police at the foot of the stairwell... DB2 was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia not too long afterwards, but this incident was glossed over. No one, other than DB1, could understand why I refused to go anywhere near DB2 after that and - well, it's 36 years later, and we now have no relationship whatsoever. He claims not to know why - and perhaps he doesn't; I don't know - but my stance is that a simple "I'm sorry" would have gone a long way in enabling us to be in the same room as one another when our mother dies (when our grandfather died, I made sure that DB2 and I were never in the same room for longer than it took me to leave it... and that event, 20 years ago, was the last time we saw each other!).

[Chattymummyhere]

Me and my brother only really had one fight I remember. His younger than me(he was about 8/9 and me 11/12) and started pulling my hair really badly so I pinned him to the floor in a badly judged attempt to get him to calm down, it didn't work so he bit me. I told him to never step foot in my room again don't think our parents really said anything about it.

However there was bigger issues with violence from dad towards our mum so you never really wanted to step out of line.

[FemelleReynard]

Cherry I didn't tell my dad due to my mothers fear of what he might do. I just told my dad I'd had an accident at work.

And I know my brother should have thought of the consequences, but he obviously didn't. And again, if he got into trouble, then wasn't able to get jobs etc, this would fall back on to my mum because he would just end up back at home causing her aggro. It wasn't worth the hassle it would cause her.

She only tries to help us, but I don't know what she could do to help a grown adult seek help unless he wants to do it?

[SomethingBorrowed]

AlmostAJillSandwich
What were your parents doing when she was attacking you? I'm asking because I genuinely don't know how a parent is supposed to handle ths situation, I mean do they force the sibling to answer repeatedly, or do they "allow" the sibling to stop answering but then have to protect him from the one getting upset by the lack of answers?
Genuinely interested in your POV

[NotAPotion]

I actually only recently remembered the following happened to me as a child. Or maybe that the penny only dropped as to what it was all about.

I would have been about 10 or 11 and my brother 3 years older.
In order to earn rights to play his computer games he would ask me to do a head stand wearing a skirt. We would be in his bedroom and he would either be sitting on his bed or in it.

There were times he asked me get in his bed (not with him in it) and undress.

I did it. I honestly had no idea what it was about, totally baffled and just wanted to play the computer games.
I don't remember him telling me not to tell anyone or that it was a secret.

I have never told a soul.

[Dragongirl10]

Going against the grain, l don't think it is at all normal for siblings to hurt each other, my DB was a year older than me so we were together a lot , yet he never hit,kicked or fought physically with me or l him.

My parents would have come down on either of us like a ton of bricks had we hurt the other....l am agast at these reports and peoples acceptance!