to continue even though i felt uncomfortable

[Discobabe98]

Hi I am a first time poster long time lurker, I don't even have kids but just always happen to come to mumsnet for advice on stuff like mental health body confidence job problems blah blah etc.

So basically I am wondering am I in the wrong here. Was at a friends house last night who was having a small gathering/party and I knew most people. I was having a fair enough time until I happened to be alone in the kitchen when a boy I have known/ known of (we have mutual friends) for about a year, slammed the door shut and came onto me. I was extremely drunk and am struggling to recall everything perfectly as i type this but I remember being shocked and kissing back out of fear. Said boy is quite intimidating and belittling so I was feeling extremely awkward and not sure how to get out of the situation as no one else was about. I know I shouldve nipped it in the bud and stopped him there and then but as I say I was both scared and too drunk to know what to do.

Anytime someone would come into the room he would immediately pull away from me and pretend to make normal convo. I should have realised at the time this was because he has a gf but I completely forgot this until everything had happened.

Anyway this led outside where he started to get touchy in places I felt uncomfortable with but I still didn't say no, though I did't say yes either. I let him do what he wanted, which basically consisted of everything but actual penile penetration, although I remember him quite aggressively stating several times that he wanted to, and was getting really annoyed when I said I really wasn't sure, calling me a piece of shit etc and tugging my hair (he was quite aggressive in general as I have woken up with several bruises and both my earrings ripped out).

I don't have a really accurate measure of time but I think maybe about half an hour/ 45 mins later I remember coming back inside and just breaking down, alone in a room as I remembered about his gf. We are both attending a formal in less than two weeks where he is going with this girl and I don't think I'll be able to look her in the eye let alone tell her, although she deserves to know.

I have obviously not messaged him since but he has sent me a snapchat today saying 'nothing happened'. i think he is terrified that I might tell his girlfriend.

Sorry if this is more of a WWYD or should be posted in another thread but I suppose I am just wanting reassurance/backing that I should tell his girlfriend, and was I in the wrong all along by not telling him no upfront. I have told two of my closest friends, one said that it was his fault for deliberately cheating and the other said I need to be more careful.

Thanks for reading if you got this far, sorry its long

[Magzmarsh]

Go to the police. So sorry this cunt took advantage of your vulnerability xx

[HollywoodStunt]

What a horrible experience for you and it's kind of you to think about the gf but really there are far more important concerns here

Getting this on record isn't easy but you might be helping by saving someone else from suffering the same thing

How confident and aggressive he was makes me think you weren't the first

You didn't deserve this just because you felt unable to say no

[MomOfTwins2]

I can only agree with the others - go to the police. It was sexual assault, and he will do it to someone else. I won't be surprised if his girlfriend knows what he's like, but is possibly also too scared of him to say or do anything. Good luck.

[Tattybogle89]

Go to the police.

[Pigflewpast]

If he sends any more messages screen shot them. And photograph your bruises and ears if you can't tell police immediately.

[MammyNeedsASpaDay]

If you have been sexually assaulted And you aren't sure about what your options are talk to your local reach centre.

They can give you counselling/advice and you can choose what you want to do from there. If you contact police, it is often the case that they must act (i.e. Arrest the offender) and if you aren't sure whether you want that then don't jump straight in. Xx

[MammyNeedsASpaDay]

That's worded wrongly, you have been sexually assaulted, but if you are uncertain what to do next contact reach. They have isvas (independent sexual violence advisors) who will not breach your confidentiality xxx

[HyacinthsBucket]

If you don't feel you can talk to your mum, do you have a friend's mum that you feel would listen? The fact you are bruised and had your earrings ripped out shows the violence you encountered and that isn't right. He didn't have the right to do that to you, and you need to talk it through with someone you can trust. Take care.

[Bluntness100]

Ah, sweeitie, go to the police, this is really bad and it's assault to rip your earnings out, call you names etc, pull your hair and it's sexual assault when he does the other stuff.

The reason you need to report it is because his next victim might not be so lucky and it could be worse. It's probably not his first time assaulting a woman and it won't be th last. So you need to report him.💐

[Dragongirl10]

sorry this happened to you, you should report his behaviour as others have said, he is a nasty piece of work.

For your own confidence though, learn to say NO forcefully for the future, it is your right to stop anything you don't actually want, or are not sure about.

Practice scenarios in the safety of your bedroom in front of the mirror, imagine various situations and think about how you would want to respond and practice saying it out loud and forcefully.

Get familiar with the idea of confronting pushy guys, and feel it is your absolute right to be mad and tell them to GET LOST.
All girls should learn this, sadly there are a lot of aggressive boys out there.

You have no need to tell the GF it is not your issue, avoid them both.

[WorraLiberty]

Have you taken photos of your bruises and damage to your ears?

[Mabelface]

You didn't consent, you were too scared to get away from him and he's left you with injuries. You have been assaulted, lovely, and it would be a good thing for you to report him. Talk to your mum, even if you're not getting on that well, I know that if this happened to my daughter, who is a similar age to you, I'd want to be there and support her. It's not up to you to say no and get aggressive back, it's up to a guy to not bloody sexually assault someone. We've got your back here.

[SmileEachDay]

No, blunt, that is not why she needs to report it. That is not her responsibility.
There not being another victim remains the responsibility of the man doing the assaulting.

[TheSmurfsAreHere]

Just to agree with PP, you were sexually assaulted :(:(
And you might not remember saying no clearly but he certainly got the message if he ended up calling a piece of shit and being physically violent - if you had been that willing and that clear in your consent, he would never had the need to do that would he??
You also need to remember that he was very aware of his actions as he always stopped when someone was coming in the room!
And he is still very conscious of what he did if he thinks he needs to scare you even more but reminding you not to tell anyone.

I would contact Rape Crisis first. Get some support and advice.
And then go and see the Police show then the snapchat about keeping quiet. Show them the bruises and your ears. Tell them yu are finding him intimidating.
And please think about your own safety.

I'm just aware that that you seemed to be scared of him in the first place, that he seems to be on a track of carrying on with the intimidation.

[TheSmurfsAreHere]

As for the formal, I wouldn't attend unless you know you have someone to back you up and you won't be on your own.

[Discobabe98]

Yeah I've taken photos of my bruises and on iphone photos have a timestamp so thats good as it says the exact date and time the photo was taken. Unfortunately (well fortunately) my ears whilst did hurt and were quite swollen have now settled down so theres no obvious damage anymore.

Thanks Mammyneedsaspaday I'm going to research my local one now. Think that might be a good option to start with to see what they say, so thank you!

Thank you everyone else for your replies as well they have been really helpful and insightful. Hope youre all doing well

[AskBasil]

"No" is not actually a very useful thing to say when someone is assaulting you.

The sort of man who assaults women, doesn't listen to No anyway and "No" brings it out into the open, that what he's doing is assault.

Sometimes, it's safer to not acknowledge that that's what's happening as the priority is to get the hell out of there. There are some situations where you won't get safely out of there, if you've just brought out into the open, the fact that this man is doing something that is a criminal offence with the greatest stigma after murder and with a potential life tarif

I suggest that you phone rape crisis before you do anything else OP; before you go to the police, before you make any other decisions. They will help you get your head round this and then you can make a decision and feel confident it's the right one.

[ConfessorKahlan]

You poor girl. No 'man' has any right to do anything like this to you. Please find someone that you can confide in and will advise you of your options. I agree with PP who suggested pastoral support staff at college. Your mum would support you too I hope, even if things are sometimes difficult at home.

Please talk to someone in real life.

[MammyNeedsASpaDay]

So glad I could help.

I know it's not nice to think of but the reach centre can do anything they need to medically while you decide what you want to do (from a prosecution point of view)

[DogMa1]

Disco it doesn't matter if you didn't say no. As far as I am aware the other person has to be in the position that he can satisfy a court that you were saying yes. If you are drunk then you deemed unable to say yes - I'm sure one of the other mn's will be able to explain it better but It has to do with your ability to make a decision (I think). There have been several court cases recently.
What he did was wrong. He is the bad person, not you. Keep saying it. Hugs.

[Hidingtonothing]

OP I just wanted to reassure you that minimising what happened in your own mind (what you said about not thinking it was as serious as actual assault) is a totally normal response but that seeking help and support now is absolutely the right thing to do because there will come a point when your mind will allow you to fully face what happened to you and having that support already in place will be important.

I (unfortunately) recognise the shock and confusion that meant you've ended up feeling that you may not have protested enough but he absolutely knew what he was doing and that you didn't want it to happen. He used fear and that shock factor of you not expecting him to do those things to override your unwillingness, that is most certainly not consent and he knew it.

I'm sorry this happened to you, please tell someone you trust and start getting some support in place in real life but we'll be here if you want to talk more too

[Backt0Black]

OP - are you ok? Did you tell someone? I hope so.

Something very like this happened to me many, many years ago, I wont derail your thread or detract from what HAS happened to you by going into detail. I didn't tell anyone, still haven't. I still think about it and do believe it has affected me to this day.

Please get yourself some help and a friendly ear, this isn't something you should feel you have to hide or go through alone.

[Discobabe98]

Hi Backt0black sorry I could not reply as mumsnet deactivated my account for a bit,

The friend that I told ended up telling a couple of our other friends, the boy who's house this was and his girlfriend who is my good friend.

I am lucky that I have those three who are really supportive and are currently organising the boy to be removed from the formal.

I'm going to call the girl who I'm good friends with later on today and talk things over just because I think it'll help me being able to blurt it out in person if that makes sense.

I haven't been to police yet due to worrying I'd have to see this boy again but after receiving support from these couple extra mates I'm feeling slightly more confident

Thanks again everyone for your replies, they really helped me x

[Comfortzone]

Glad you're feeling a little stronger OP. I would definitely think about getting onto the professionals about this as I'm thinking your friends will discourage you from doing anything about it as they'll not want to rock the boat in your social circle. But rocking the boat is a small price to pay for doing what is right to someone who has seriously and violently assaulted you. Not telling you what to do but this was a serious assault that needs to be reported ideally within a week of it happening. It is a huge experience to sweep under the carpet for the rest of your life. I hope you will be ok

[Discobabe98]

Is it possible to go to police to file a report and make them aware without pressing charges and possibly having to go through trial etc? Sorry if I seem naive, I'm not sure how these things work.