To have gone mad at DH for this?

[Mashathebear]

I've name changed because im so fuckimg embarrassed about this and would be so ashamed if I was ever outed.

I've just had a baby 2 weeks ago. I'm currently in the hazy stage, it's my first child. I've put on ALOT of weight through the pregancy (3 stone) and let's say I don't look very pretty at the moment.

My DH always watches the tv in bed before going to sleep. Last night I woke and rolled over and caught glimpse of the tv and it was one of those babestation channels (she had knickers on but tits out) my DH scrabbled for the controller but I then noticed he was in the middle of wanking.

I was so upset I stormed out of the room crying. Firstly that he would do that next to me whilst I was asleep and secondly with our newborn in the room!!! I'm so disgusted I can't even look at him. AIBU or is it just my hormones making me feel so sad and upset?

[showmeislands]

YANBU, I would be upset too. Not about him having a wank so much, but more the babestation part, I would definitely find that difficult especially at a time when you're not understandably not feeling very confident about your body. It's insensitive and thoughtless. That said, it sounds like an impulsive act and I would probably accept his apology and try to move on.

[Reality16]

I'm in the 'wouldn't bother me' camp. I have fired one off while DH is asleep many times. I don't do it to be disrespectful or because I have given any thought whatsoever to his body faults may be, I do it because it feels nice

[TorquayHotelWindow]

You are most definitely not unreasonable to feel as bad as you do about this. Your body and mind is still recovering and adjusting from giving birth, and you are probably feeling as fragile and sensitive as you ever will. However it's perhaps not helpful to dwell on how much of a thoughtless idiot he was being at the time. He shouldn't have done that and run the risk of you waking and having to see that. He should have had some consideration. But you have a few tough months ahead, and you shouldn't have to waste your precious energy on feeling awful about this. I think you probably will get past this, but i wouldn't blame you for feeling and expressing your disgust and anger as long as you feel like it - you're entitled to. Just keep in mind that he is probably feeling worse than you, and so he should. Hopefully it will stop being so hurtful to think about in time. Congratulations on your wonderful baby, and know that one day you will feel fresh, energised and pretty once again.

[AnyFucker]

do we really think the balls stop working when a baby is born

Do we really think said owner of balls couldn't be more discreet about emptying them ? He is not going to expire from fulluptesticleitis is he ?

[formerbabe]

I can totally see why you're upset and hurt. I would be too

I think his explanation sounds completely plausible and if he's otherwise a decent guy, I'd try to forgive and forget.

[scottishdiem]

Mmmm.

1. Apparently mens sexual needs should shut down then when their wives have given birth. Spoiler alert, not happening.
   

1. Wanking has nothing to do with how attractive ones partner is. Spoiler alert, women masterbate as well regardless of how attracted they are to their husbands. This was nothing to do with the OPs fragile sense of self-attraction.
   

1. Babestation channel? Well thats a bit much if your partner doesnt approve of porn.
   

1. In same room as baby? To this day, in countries around the world, people have sex in the same room as their sleeping children. Cause all they have is one room. It has been going on since we started building dwellings to live in. At weeks old, the baby will have no concept of its surroundings.
   

1. Whilst partner was sleeping? I know I have done it and I know my partner has done it and I many other people do it
   

So with the possible exception of number 3 what is the problem here? A man not asking for his wife to be with him sexually? Given the number of threads where men are deemed bad people for wanting sexual contact with their wives at some, non-specific time, after birth being deemed bad me why is it also bad not to want to wake up wife? Double standards much? Or do we really think the balls stop working when a child is born?

[Purplebluebird]

I would be upset too, mainly about the babestation (I wouldn't feel like I am attractive enough compared to them). I think he made a bad decision - he probably didn't think it through to "what if she wakes up". If he's apologising and is embarrassed, I doubt he will do it again, and it's not (in my book at least) something that you can't get past. I can completely understand you're upset though.

[Backt0Black]

FGS ..... its just LAZY.. Go in the bathroom, go to another bedroom, go downstairs, but seriously NOT next to your sleeping to your sleeping partner. Fucks sake, wheres the romance....

[MrsBlennerhassett]

Its a bit grim to do that next to you but i wouldnt go full knives out about it. Id be fine with my husband wanking to porn but to do it next to you whilst you are asleep and have recently given birth is pretty disrespectful and insensitive. Could have had the decency to go to the bathroom!!
However if hes never done that before and has genuinely apologised then id be inclined to drop the matter.

[greeeen]

I'm with liiinoo and littleoysters
I can remember what those first few weeks were like hormone wise, for me anyway, so I really hope you can resolve this with him and feel better! I really don't think it's because he doesn't find you attractive, was hopefully just trying to give you space after childbirth. Do think he could have been wiser and gone to the bathroom though!

[EweAreHere]

It's not the masturbating that would bother me; everyone does that.

It's the obliviousness to how you're feeling: 2 weeks post-partum, probaby beyond exhausted, sore, carrying extra weight and not attractively, not feeling attractive due to bleeding/stitches/flab/leaking/attached to baby much of the time possibly/etc, and he's jacking off next to you while watching naked 'babes' on telly. Sooo oblivious and thoughtless.

[EIsbethTascioni]

Why would it be about him not finding you attractive?

You're two weeks post partum. He fancied a wank. Sex is obviously off the menu, and you were asleep.

He was a bit thoughtless at worst but I don't think it's more than that.

I quite often have a shuffle if I can't get off to sleep and DH is snoring. And he'll have a Sunday morning wank if we're in bed and I'm not in the mood (because I'm watching telly and we did it twice the night before).

[BipBippadotta]

PotteringAlong when you're in a loving relationship, you do need to control yourself now and again. It's really not such a hardship (as it were) to take yourself off to the toilet.

Here's a thought experiment for you. A friend of mine caught his dad wanking over porn while sitting at the bedside of his wife of 40 years who was dying of cancer. I'd imagine she hadn't been in the mood to satisfy his sexual needs for some months because of her illness, so the poor man must've been gagging for it. And she was asleep (well, slipping in and out of consciousness at any rate, and by that point she was so close to death it's debatable how much she understood of what was going on around her). Would you say it was perfectly respectful and within the bounds of good taste for her husband to sit there pleasuring himself to pictures of naked Ukranian teenagers, in the circumstances? Should everyone just have been grateful he hadn't taken off his dying wife's oxygen mask and stuck his cock in her mouth? Because after all a man does have needs, right? And at least he wasn't pestering her or pressuring her.

[Liiinoo]

I'm with littleoysters. I have discreetly masturbated to get to sleep with DH asleep next to me. Sometimes, for whatever reason we need sexual release. Because we are not beasts of the field we have evolved to be able to provide this release for ourselves. In this situation the problem isn't that the OP was sleeping, the problem is she woke up. And the presence of an oblivious sleeping baby is neither here nor there.

OP I am sorry you were upset , but unlike most posters, I don't think it is a big deal. I hope you and DH can get past this and enjoy time with your new baby.

[AnyFucker]

Pottering ... you get the concept of time and place yeah ?

[EIsbethTascioni]

I honestly couldn't get worked up over this.

[Mashathebear]

littleoysters I do believe it was probably a one off but I'm just so upset about it at the moment

[Mashathebear]

cariadlet I think deep down that's what I'm upset about most is that I think it's a reflection on me and how he doesn't find me attractive

[Velvian]

Yanbu. I'd have no problem with DH taking his phone in the bathroom, but if he was next to me and I woke up; I would be so embarrassed for him tbh.
His "excuse" is worse than doing it in the first place.

[littleoysterslittleoysters]

I think that last post OP proves it was a quick random bad call on his part. This isn't a relationship defining issue.

[PCDC]

It really wouldn't bother me - it's just a wank. It's not like he was doing it over your sleeping body.

Also, the baby being in the room is irrelevant in my opinion; it wouldn't be aware or affected.

[cariadlet]

I wouldn't be bothered if I woke up and DP was having a wank. It's harmless enough and I'd prefer that to being hassled if I was tired and/or not in the mood. Doing it to Babestation is pretty tasteless though.

Your DH was trying no to disturb you, he was embarrassed and apologetic. I can't see what more he could do.

I'm surprised so many people are disgusted and horrified.

I know the baby was in the room, but it was a tiny baby not an older child who would be aware. Besides, how did people manage centuries ago before the luxury of separate bedrooms that we usually have now?

btw, don't be so down on yourself for the way you feel you look post-baby. I'm sure that your DH still finds you very attractive. What he was doing isn't a reflection on how he feels about you in anyway.

[littleoysterslittleoysters]

I don't see a massive problem here. "Man wanks" isn't a huge surprise and the baby being in the room is neither here nor there because loads of people have sex with their tiny babies in a cot in the same room. I often have a quick orgasm if my husband is snoring and I can't sleep. I don't think its a big problem. If he is being loving and helpful with the baby i'd let it slide.

[Mashathebear]

I think what's upset me the most is this behaviour is not usual for him.

He's not the type of bloke that has been bothered by porn or that sort of thing before. In the past I've offered to pick him up a copy of "nuts" magazine or similar at the same time I'm picking up my magazines and he's not been interested. Before I got pregnant I suggested watching porn to spice up our sex life and he did watch it but was more interested in me than the tv. He's not the type of bloke to make comments about other women and usually very complimentary of me. So to catch him doing this was just absolutely staggering for me as I would not have expected it from him

[PotteringAlong]

He can control himself, right ?

You could use that argument to say that no one need to masterbate, ever.