Should I be addressing this with my son?

[embarassedmum2017]

Just want a bit of perspective on this. It might seem trivial but I would genuinely like to know.

My DS (6) meets his friend from nursery, who is at another school, twice a week for an evening activity at our local leisure centre. His friend is the younger child while my DS is my first with a little sister so I have always been a bit firmer with him. I am also foreign and grew up in an environment where children are brought up by the community so to say. I also don’t mind my DS being told off by friends as long as it’s reasonable and would always support them. His friend’s dad would have my son in the pool to play with them before or after lessons. This has helped to increase my son's confidence. We even had to change sessions to suit them as my son loves his lessons and time with them. I normally have his little sister in the pool for a bit of practice though not a good swimmer myself. He would wait for his friend outside if we finish changing first and his friend would normally have £1 to buy something from the vending machine which they would pick together and share. His dad seemed to be fine with it.

This week, we finished before them as I didn’t swim with my little girl and my son wanted to wait for his friend. He was there with both of his parents this time. His friend came out, they decided what to get and he asked his mum’s permission as it was a pack of sweets. He put the money in and my son picked the sweet from the machine. He proceeded to open it and started sharing between them. His friend’s mum then saw that and told my son to hand the pack back to his friend as it wasn’t his to share. He handed it back and his friend continued to share it but I told him to stop and not give my son any more, he had 2 already. My little girl started crying despite that I got her something earlier from the machine so my son’s friend gave her one as well. It was a pack of 10. I felt quite embarrassed by it all and have told my son we would not be waiting outside for his friend anymore and also had a word about not being too forward. I would not have picked up on it if it was the other way round as it would not matter to me who is handing the sweets out, I would probably see it as an opportunity for him to eat less sweets anyway. I have been thinking about it and just want to check if what my son did was that bad as I have found out that some things which I don’t think really matters appear to matter to other people, possibly because of culture, and would like to address it as such if it is that bad.

[user1477282676]

It might be one of those finer cultural differences that's just tricky to foresee until it comes up.

OP doesn't sound insensitive...but I must say I'd be at a child and his Mum waiting for us every time we came to the vending machine.

However, no harm done...OP's going to be more careful about her son's expectancy now.

[embarassedmum2017]

Shocked as in I wouldn't have reacted the same way, hence the reason for posting.
Thanks for taking time out to respond.

[Floggingmolly]

Really, you were a bit shocked? Why?

[wonderingsoul]

I think its s rude to open and share out sweets..or anything that some one else has paid for... it would erk me if a adult did this to me so imo you should have pulled your son up on it.

It wouldnt bother ne uf it was allways me buying the sweets.. but itd be nice if you offered every other week.

[embarassedmum2017]

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. I will rectify the situation, was just a bit shocked by it all.

[AppleAndBlackberry]

I don't think I'd let my kid eat half a packet of sweets regularly without taking turns paying, but I'm not keen on them having too much sugar so I'd probably say "no more, they're Emily's" after my child had had a couple. Since you're already in the situation of sharing 50:50 I'd probably pay every other week, or bring DS a snack from home so that can be shared too.

[diddl]

You could always take something to share out afterwards-it doesn't have to be £1 for the vending machine (seems a lot to me)

I can see why you wouldn't do it as it's not what you wanted to do for your child, but he has been benefitting from the other child doing it iyswim.

So the options are join in, do something else to reciprocate or say no/get your son to say no to the offered sweets.

[cherrycrumblecustard]

Why would you need to restrict their time together? :) You could either tell your son to say no thank you if offered sweets, or buy some yourself. I sympathise as it's easy to fall into these situations, but I think you've had a strong indicator here that the mum is feeling a bit taken for granted. Given that it's your sons friends Dad taking them swimming, I would buy Dad a coffee and both boys some sweets as a thank you - and a nice bottle of something at Christmas. These little gestures just keep people sweet :)

[Chelazla]

I think to worry about your kid having £1 for sweets once a week is crackers no wonder he's into the other kids sweets so fast! Personally I wouldn't have said anything, if my kids friends are with them I buy them whatever I'm getting my kids whether parents are there or not. I have to say though this is standard of my friend too. They would never get their kids something and not get mine the same. So it works!

[embarassedmum2017]

They asked us to change as his friend wanted to attend another activity with his sister at the same time. They would have changed though even if we didn't but they did ask us.
I have always worked with his mum to ensure they see each other as much as possible. We even coordinate their holiday clubs and would check with each other to know when and where they will be going.
At the moment they are probably in a position to give more as I have a small child with me most of the time.
I will be a bit more sensitive now and check to be sure we are not scrounging off them.

I don't like him thinking he'Llandudno get sweets every time he goes for swimming hence why I didn't bother. I still don't like him getting it all the time but not sure how to stop him from taking it if his friend offers.
It'll be a shame to restrict their time together over this. They are genuinely thrilled to see each other every time.

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I agree with Witchend - it's such a small thing but when you feel taken for granted those small things really start to grate.

[Witchend]

Did they suggest you changed lessons to stay with them?
I just wonder if perhaps they might have changed deliberately. I had a similar situation where I was trying to get one of the dc to be a bit more independent of bf, and every time I found something separate for them to go to, bf signed up too.
If that was the case I can see why the sweet thing might have been a bit of a last straw type and mum was slightly harsher than she intended.

It does come across as you being very much taking from the family... Your ds plays with other child and dad, leaving you free to play with your younger dc. He buys sweets and both your dc gain.
I can see how you've fallen into that, but it can start to irritate as these things add up.

[RocketBaba]

On the flip side I have this with a number of my sons friends. They are allowed free sweets and a lot more than I allow, I see once a day as tops and not instead of a meal as ok but a few friends have real free range on junk. I've tried to hold ds back or redirect him but he is offered by name and it gets awkward to refuse generosity. I don't want to match like for like when normally I wouldn't be allowing the sweets and often even resent it pre meals. It got to a point where a friend brought double for my kids as they didn't have and sought them out, whereas I hated the constant sugar and not eating dinner. We've ended up in a silly situation of actively trying to avoid said friend for no other reason, Ali g it look like we dislike her. I've told ds to politely say no thank you but it's it's obviously wanted and she persuades him. I bring what he's allowed and more but then even more comes out, and really sugary stick in your teeth stuff.

A ramble, but I'd be wary of providing the £1 if the honest answer is you'd have never have otherwise allowed the sweets. Either wait in another spot or bring ds a snack to eat at the same time of his own that doesn't cost vending machine prices and is what you'd rather he ate. As they get older the keeping up with these things can really start to add up, so I'd nip in the bud if it's not for you. My ds learnt over time that it was ok to not always have exactly the same as friends, and he's gets lots in his own right

[Serin]

Most kids are starving when they get out of the pool. I used to take snacks along with me for afterwards, I hate vending machines after getting an electric shock from one!!

[diddl]

I don't think that there's any need to talk to the mum about it.

Her son put money in & then Ops son took them & started to share them out.

Of course it was OK of her to stop that.

[Clandestino]

When my DD's best friend is in our house for a playdate, I have no problem telling her off too if they are setting the world on fire (sometimes literally).
If she decided to take a bag of sweets that my DD had and share it, I would make sure my DD doesn't mind but wouldn't say anything otherwise. It all depends on the situation.
My DD sometimes complains that I discipline her when her best friend is over but I always tell her that I discipline them both because I feel like I need to save them from themselves (like when they sit in a plastic crate and push each other down a flight of very steep stairs we have at home) and I can't do preferential treatment.
I think her reaction might have been a bit off and I wouldn't like it but it's still her son's sweets and her rules because she got him the money to buy it.

[embarassedmum2017]

Okay I accept all points raised and will.make amends. It has just been bothering me and I wanted to check with others.
I was going to stop him from waiting for his friend but won't do that now, will just take £1 to give to him from now on.
I carried on talking to the mum after she told my son off as we were in the middle of a conversation then. I just reflected on it afterwards and wanted clarification to stop it happening again't.
Thank you for the harsh and no so harsh comments. , all really appreciated.

[Rachel0Greep]

I suppose from the other mother's perspective it looked as if your child was taking over, when he took the sweets, and started to share them around, as though they were his. I don't think it's a big deal, and as you have said, it's just a case of making sure they take turns from now on to buy.
Don't worry any more about it.

[triskellionoflegs]

People seem to be piling in to attack the OP on things she already answered, almost like they didn't read the thread...She just didn't really think it was an issue, but will now give him some money -seems like a problem solved?!

[DailyFail1]

I think this is too minor of a thing to be geniunely pissed off by. The other friend's mum might have been having a bad day, or a headache etc. Can you ask her? Just say I noticed you told ds off about the sweets last time, I'm not entirely familiar with the culture here so just wanted to clarify if I've done something wrong. Let her explain to you rather than you stress yourself over it

[Floggingmolly]

So just take your turn . Or if you don't want him to have sweets, don't let him have anyone else's either.

[Underthemoonlight]

Do they wait for you when they finish early?

Doesn't matter about the age of he's 5 or 6. Your DS has had the exception of sweets and you didn't nip it in the bud or atleast balance it out and give him the money one week but you were happy to let him have sweets every week off his friend.

[embarassedmum2017]

The waiting was for us to all go to the car park together and it's always been like this even when they were at another swImming venue where there was no vending machines.
They are very good friends and we havexpect made conscious efforts to keep them together.

[embarassedmum2017]

They have been swimming together for over a year now and this starated happening about 4 to 6 weeks ago.

[embarassedmum2017]

I see your point but they are both 6, he is a few weeks older than my son.
They went to nursery together.
The younger son I meant in my post is that he has a much older sister while my son is the 1st child.