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AIBU?

To worry that I won't love DC2 like I love my DD?

44 replies

JoyfulAndTriumphant · 28/12/2016 01:18

Is this a common concern?

I'm pregnant (11+1) with DC2. Have DD, aged 2. She's fab, she's our whole world. We wanted a second so much, a sibling for DD, complete our little family etc.

It has been a rough pregnancy so far. I'm finding it hard to feel much excitement, if I'm honest, but I can't admit that in real life. I simply can't imagine loving this child like I love DD.

OP posts:

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BitOutOfPractice · 28/12/2016 14:37

The love doesn't have to divide in two, it simply doubles.

I think most second time moms feel like this. I did. I adored DD2 as soon as she was born

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Kione · 28/12/2016 14:50

I am so glad for this thread! DD is 7, I have an amazing relationship with her, I am an only child of a single mum and my relationship with her was shit.
I am actually being induced today and I have felt this through the whole pregnancy. It is also a boy which adds to it I think.
Writing this while cuddling my DD on our last afternoon of "just us".
DP absolutely delighted about second child, he is 1 of 5 tho...
Sorry the hijack!

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sj257 · 28/12/2016 14:53

I felt the same, and kind of do again now I'm pregnant with DC3 after quite a big age gap! It's normal xx

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Bodicea · 28/12/2016 15:05

I would say I didn't feel that initial gush of love for my dd that I did for my first born ds. His was a traumatic birth/ deliver. Hers was a v sterile/ planned c-section. I loved her but it took me a while to really bond with her. I am completely besotted with her now in the same way I was with my first. Prob took about 6 months though.

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MiddlingMum · 28/12/2016 15:37

If you have twins, you love them both exactly the same, right from the start. You don't love one less The same happens with triplets according to a friend of mine.

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MumW · 28/12/2016 15:50

Don't worry, I think most of us have felt like that. Trust me, by the time they're teenagers, you'll have moments when you hate them equally too!

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ChristmasSeacow · 28/12/2016 17:15

Good luck Kione!

I am pregnant with DC2. DS is 4 and has ASD so I feel very protective of him and he is very dependent on me. That flavours our relationship, for sure. I am really excited to have DC2 and know it will be very good for my DS but I do worry about diluting by time and attention. I know that I can love them both, but don't know whether I will
Love DC2 in the same way or with the same intensity. That feeling has got a lot to do with his special needs, however. And maybe it doesn't matter if it is not the same?

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ChristmasSeacow · 28/12/2016 17:16

That poem was very moving- I have something in my eye!

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BoopTheSnoot · 28/12/2016 17:18

I posted the same question on here back in May, just before I had DS2. I was so worried.
You will love them both exactly the same. I promise, you will. That doesn't mean that your love for your eldest child is divided, more that your capacity doubles.
I was amazed when DS2 was born at how very equal my feelings for them were, and still are.

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WaryMary · 28/12/2016 17:59

My 2nd is 5 weeks and I don't love him yet. It was a horrible pregnancy and a traumatic labour so I think that's not helped. I've no doubt I'll love him at some point but I don't feel it yet.

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JoyfulAndTriumphant · 28/12/2016 23:32

A million thank yous for your lovely understanding responses. Currently weeping without shame at that poem though. Hormones!

I feel a lot of guilt about how DD will take this, tbh. I'm so relieved to not be alone.

OP posts:

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cookieswirls · 28/12/2016 23:51

That poem gets me every time it's so very true. I cried and cried once my twins were born as I was so guilty that it wasn't just me, dp and dd anymore. I would look at her when she was sleeping and cry my eyes out ! Even now 10 months on I'm crying after reading that poem again. You will love dc2 and before you know it it will be as though they have alwAys been here . Just give your dd1 loads of love and attention because she will find it tough to begin with.

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cookieswirls · 28/12/2016 23:53

Oh and I think now my dd enjoys playing with them more than she does me

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GarrulousGrimoire · 29/12/2016 00:02

Someone said to me think of a candle.

When you look at the flame and take another candle, you pass that flame to the next, is there less light? Have you diminished the first flame? Or do you now have two flames both burning brightly?

Same with love for your children.

It made me feel better and was oh so true.

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gillybeanz · 29/12/2016 00:11

YABU, but so was I when I worried about this.
Believe me it's not worth giving it head space.
HTH

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KeptOnRaining · 29/12/2016 00:15

Oh course you won't love your second as much as your first, that's only natural, first born children are special.

It moves, it changes, it ebbs & flows...when the eldest is battering the youngest, you want to protect your beautiful baby
and send the monsterous large lump away! When the eldest is needing a quiet cuddle and the baby is screaming, you want to snuggle with the eldest & send the baby back where it came from! Then they're both snuggled up with you, one with their hand or foot on the other in a show of solidarity & love and the world is pretty damn perfect.

Your capacity to love your children isn't limited, their capacity to love other people isn't either.

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ICantThinkOfAUsernameH · 29/12/2016 00:18

I had a thread about exactly the same whilst pregnant with ds2. I was petrified and it completely overtook my thoughts no matter how much I was reassured about it.
I remember a friend said to me, "your love with another child doesn't mean you have to split your love, it quite simply doubles". They were right.
Ds2 is now 7 months old and the love I have for both of them is overwhelming and we can't wait to have hopefully another dc.
Good luck

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milkshakeandmonstermunch · 29/12/2016 00:32

FFS yourdaughter, that poem broke me tonight!

OP I could have written your post earlier this year. I've recently had my second and I was the same way. I wanted a second baby because I wanted DD1 to have a sibling a d I had always pictured our family as a 4. There was no broody aspect to it. DD1 ticked all my maternal boxes etc. I really didn't bond with my second pregnancy at all as I was so sure I wouldn't love another child the same as DD1. People tried to reassure me but I just couldn't imagine it. When DD2 popped out I thought my heart was going to burst, it was such an immediate and intense love.

However, as a PP has said though, your relationship with DC1 will change and, ime, it is tough. I'm really not coping very well with that part but it is still very new for our family as DD2 is only 10wo. I miss DD1 being my only baby so much but I'm also very much in love with DD2.

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DonaldStott · 29/12/2016 00:38

We wanted a second so much, a sibling for DD, complete our little family etc.

Yabu for thinking that a second chikd 'completes' your family.

We have one dd whom we adore. We could afford to give our all to one child and not 2.

People canbe totally fulfilled with 1 child.

If it's any consolation though, i speak as one of 5. My mum and dad loved us all the same. I never felt li ke they loved any of us more or less than any of my siblings.