Relatives at Christmas

[HislittlePoppet]

Hi everyone,
I don't normally post on here but I'm always interested in what others have to say and what worries you all have as they often reflect mine. Anyway, this morning I feel a need to unload just to make me feel better as much as anything.
My problem is relatives at Christmas.
I have a problem with both mothers every year. So let's start with mine.
Loathe though I am to say this my Mum is a sour-faced, miserable old woman who hardly ever smiles. She picks fault with everything, especially me, yet I am the only one who invites her on Christmas Day. My sister has washed her hands of pretty much all of us (she is a narcissist and impossible to get on with) and my brother is often expected to work during this period so he is out of the equation. It's not his fault.
Every year since I was a child my mother has seen Christmas and actually any special occasion as a time to unload all her misery on everyone else. This is done by moaning, shouting at people, picking fights and generally crying for no reason. The misery she inflicted upon her family every year was immeasurable and the sense of dread that stays with me in the run-up to every Christmas remains palpable even now, when I have my own child and family and am grown up. I spoke to her about this earlier in the year and told her I am not prepared for her to continue terrorising us in this way every year. I asked her to see her doctor before Christmas and explain her symptoms so he can given her something to calm her. She reacted as if she didn't know what I was talking about, even though I spelled it out clearly with specific examples of her behaviour from previous years. Clearly, she hasn't been to the doctor as she picked a terrible fight with another relative yesterday, literally over nothing, and this is someone who is visiting from abroad.
Dealing with her in this situation is the closest I get to panic attacks. Yesterday when my relative rang me in floods of tears those feelings of panic, anxiety and dread overcame me to the point I thought I wasn't going to be able to drive my daughter home from our shopping trip.
It has reached the point where I can't stand the sight of my own mother for much of the time, yet I feel trapped into "doing the right thing" every year, and always in the hope and expectation she will behave.
I wondered if anyone else had a relative who felt the need to ruin everyone's Christmas in this way, and how you deal with it? I know the answer is not to see her but this would be difficult.
The other is my MiL. She is the opposite to my mother and is friendly, smiley and loud. She is nice to have around as she raises the mood, but there is another side to her that I find unpalatable at this time of year and that is her sheer laziness.
She starts to talk about Christmas around August time every year and sneaks it into conversation, despite knowing that I have issues with Christmas (because of my own mother) and anyway at that point there are still several family birthdays to come before we can think about anything else.
The reason she mentions it is to secure an invitation as early as possible so that she doesn't have to invite anyone or do anything. In the 12 years I've been with my partner, we have had Christmas there 2-3 times and every time we've had to invite ourselves. One year it was for logistical reasons as they live close to my parents and my father was dying and I wanted to be nearby.
She and my FiL think if they pay for some of the food this is sufficient and they can sit back and relax while they're waited upon hand and foot for several days. It drives me nuts.
I know it is laziness on her part as my FiL has quipped in the past that if they're invited out she doesn't have to cook.
I am reaching the end of my tether with both mothers frankly. Like most of you, I am rushing around, tidying up, shopping, wrapping etc with a child in tow. At the very least they could have had our daughter over for a day or two to let me get on with things.
Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas especially now I have a child and I love cooking and entertaining and making sure everyone is having a good time. I want to create happy memories for my child. But the behaviour of others, whom I'd expect to be helping and supporting just leaves me in a simmering rage and I have to force myself to snap out of it.
Thanks for reading and I wish you all a happy and healthy Christmas and New Year x

[OrangeSquashTallGlass]

If MIL is a pain in the kitchen get FIL in there instead and give MIL other jobs to do: pile all the cutlery etc on the table the night before then on the day ask het to lay the table, so she doesn't even have to go into the kitchen.

Also, get PIL to do other things that make them useful: eg bring the cake and all the puddings.

[QueenArseClangers]

Why isn't DH sorting out Xmas prep etc. for his parents?
And why are they staying several days?
We have PIL, DM and an older disabled relative this year. Plus we have 5 children. DH and I work as team splitting jobs and are doing a posh festive buffet so everyone brings stuff and grandparents play/distract the kids whilst I pretend to stir stuff in the kitchen whilst drinking

I'd tell your mother that you're ill cos if you're not now she'll make you poorly. Please don't get yourself to breaking point, look after yourself and fuck the guilt

[Wizotto]

My 'D'F is a narcissist and is enabled by 'D'M. I have not spent Christmas with them since being an adult as they always ruin it and I am emotionally scarred from childhood. I now do not see them at events with significance as it is easier to ignore a horrible time happening on a random day in the year. I also do not want to inflict it on my DCs. I also suffered panic attacks before seeing them and had a bad stomach, the runs etc. I now see them only occasionally and have distanced myself emotionally. Honestly, I think you need to look after yourself. Do not invite you DM for Christmas if she ruins your enjoyment. Do not host your inlaws every year and definitely give yourself a break next year and do not feel guilty. Good luck!

[AmberStClare]

Another one saying book yourself a hotel or nice cottage somewhere next year that only has room for you, your DP and DC. And tell them all why you are doing this.