AIBU to put myself first?

[ellamoromou]

I'd really appreciate opinions on this as it's tearing me apart - literally! lol

To keep it as short as I can:

I'm a single parent with one son who I love the bones of. We're very close as since he was a baby it's only been me and him (with lots of input from parents who helped out a lot and which I'm so grateful for - he's extremely close to my parents).

So my dilemma is I've been with my partner for over 3 years now. I love him to bits and he loves me to bits. Problem is he lives in a different country He want's me to emigrate, get married and be together 'properly'. He's begged me lots of times to go across but I've always said no because I couldn't leave my family - i.e my son and parents.

My son is in his mid 20's now, good job, long term GF who he is buying a house with next year and as settled as someone his age can be.

But he's dead against me moving abroad and I'm torn. His argument is that he still lives at home so why not wait a couple of years and then go over - my partners argument is I'm tired of waiting and want to be with you more than a few weeks here and there. I've an ultimatum - either I put 'us' first or as much as he doesn't want it to - we're over.

Added to that I have fantastic job with a good pension so should I stay in UK? My partner is a businessman who earns 20x what I do so the possibility of him coming to UK is zero. There is no way that he'd be able to earn what he does there.

Oh heck I'm rambling now - so much for keeping it short lol - would really appreciate opinions

[Jabuticaba]

Brazil ThisThingCalledLife taxes are very high. Electricity bill might be a tad of an exaggeration usually 100-200 a month as we have solar I'm out of touch. But things to buy are crazy expensive, a small fiat that would be £9000 new in the UK would be at least 35000 here. A £45 basic smarphone is about 300. The irony being that none of those things are even imported, they are made here. You can get a Brazilian built car in Chile for a third of the price. Bring it across the border and you have to pay the rest in taxes if you want to register it. It's insane.

ellamoromou Greece is close enough and a hotel gives you a chance to work and learn faster. Working saved my sanity and helped me learn the language fast. Good luck.

[ellamoromou]

Sorry I haven't been back to answer some questions but RL has been busy

The country is Greece and to answer a few questions that I can remember - I get on fantastic with his family who have welcomed me with open arms

I speak a little Greek to get by in shops, bars etc but am in no way able to hold a conversation!

20x salary was in no way an exaggeration - partner is a hotel(s) owner that brings in a huge amount.

Anyway, thank you so much for all your views - so appreciated. I've decided to transfer the rent only each month (paid by partner who can afford it, I can't) so my son can still live in his home but he's responsible for the other bills.

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

happyboobum I would not either, although getting married would have to be in a country where my status and autonomy is not affected by being married.

So far as the son, I agree he should not be the reason for making the decision. I wonder if he might have the same concerns as some of us have but dressing it up as "I still need you" might work better than "do you really know what you are letting yourself in for? "

[happypoobum]

Agree with PP, we need to know what country DP lives in.

If it's a country that is "safe" with work prospects for you, then I think it is very selfish for DS to tell you that you have to hold on until he has his finances in order, given his age.

I will probably get crucified for this, but I probably wouldn't give up my life and home without being married.

[littlesallyracket]

As lots of other people have pointed out, there are all sorts of reasons why emigrating might not be a good idea, depending on the exact circumstances.

However, your son's objection really isn't one of those reasons. He's a grown man in his 20s and needs to suck it up and stand on his own two feet instead of expecting you to prop him up.

Basically, if the question is 'Should I emigrate to be with my boyfriend overseas?' then nobody can really answer that question without a lot more detail. If the question is 'Should the thing that prevents me from emigrating be my adult son who still lives with me?' then the answer is no.

[ThisThingCalledLife]

Bleedin hell Jabu, where do you live?

[Jabuticaba]

Just had a thought about the 20 times figure. Not saying you're not factoring in exchange rates, but just in case you're not, are your potential wages in the his country enough to afford regular flights back to the UK? Also what are living costs like? For example where I live 200 -300 for a months electricity would be standard. A new car is anything from 60,000 up, a new smartphone is never less than 300. For people living here that is exactly equivalent to people paying £60,000+ for a basic small car or £200 a month in electricity, so you need to earn more to have the same standard of livjng. But sometimes figures are not transferable. If you are earning 80,000 a year in some currancies for example, that might sound good but that would be equal to someone in the UK earning 8,000 a year, like how £1 was 10 old French Francs. So depending on the country money will be a big factor. The USA for example living costs are lower, so not usually a problem, but Australia, for example, that's not necessarily going to be the case. And some countries can be a shock to people who are unfamiliar with high taxes or massive tariffs on goods and services.
I'm sorry if I'm raining on your parade OP but these are all points to consider.

[luciole15]

OP, you need to give us more info. Esp where your partner lives. Assuming you are in UK.

You say you earn a good salary and he earns 20 times that? If you earn £40000 a year he earns £800000. Nearly a million? So he's super-loaded? If he's in Europe and you are too, you could be flying out every weekend to see him at his expense. Or you could alternate.

I know someone who was in a similar position. Asked her DP for a security bond/payment. Call it what you like, but something to fall back on if things went tits up. The £30000 never arrived...

[Jabuticaba]

Only thing I have to say is moving to another country is not like moving to another city. The paperwork trail is huge, cultural ajustment can take over a year. The expense is massive, wé have lost thousands on moves abroad. If you have to factor in another language then that's an even greater hurdle. It is often difficult to get visas for certain countries, even if you're married to a citizen and have children with dual nationality, being just a girlfriend can mean a long hard battle to get residency. What at your employment chances? What paperwork will you need? It can be even more difficult if the country in question is a highly saught after destination.


The country in question is a massive factor. If it's France, give it a whirl. If it's the USA do your research thouraghly. Go for 6 months first and see how that goes. Do not commit to emigration until you know what you're getting yourself into.

[Pythonesque]

It's just possible that your son is saying "just a couple more years" because he's worried about your relationship in some way and thinks that maybe it will become clearer whether it is "good" for you and whether you will be "safe" moving to this other country, if you wait longer.

Otherwise I echo the thoughts above - don't burn your bridges, take smaller steps and make absolutely sure you have your independence, as if your partner really cares about you and your welfare that won't matter to him, and if it turns out he doesn't ...

[ThisThingCalledLife]

I know she's moving there.

I also know it's possible for a woman like OP to ensure her own financial security and organise her own affairs. Plenty of women do this without needing to be 'kept' women.

[CouldIHaveIt]

ThisThing

She is moving there, rather than him moving here, because he earns 20x what she does. Him putting this, to him, small amount of money into her house each month so she can go home at anytime she wants to if she isn't happy, is the least he can do in return for HER uprooting her whole life for him, simply because he earns more and is putting the pressure on her to go and live there.

[ThisThingCalledLife]

His part of the deal is to transfer £xxxx into your UK bank account every month to cover the expenses of keeping your house etc DS can keep living there and pay council tax, power etc

Seriously? This isn't his responsibility

OP can rent her UK house out - be that to a stranger or to her ds. He's a flipping adult and can pay his own way to live there.

[KoalaDownUnder]

I think your son is being very selfish, actually.

He's in his mid bloody 20s, he's an adult. I can't believe he expects his mother to organise her personal life around when he's ready to leave home!

[ManaFleet]

I must admit that I wouldn't be entirely comfortable with the ultimatum from your DP. I think that, in general, someone who forces you to choose is being selfish. However, I can see that in this case he might be trying to give you the push that you need.

I suspect you're hoping we'll all tell you that it's time for YOU, and that is exactly what we're saying. It's your turn to be happy and follow your own path. I wouldn't sell up entirely in the UK. If it's not feasible to keep your house as well as move, downgrade to a smaller house or a flat and rent it out. That way, you've got income and a safety net.

Bon voyage OP, happy trails!

[CouldIHaveIt]

What country does he live in?

How easily could you get a job and what would the pay be like compared to your current job?

There's not a cat in hells chance I'd go to a country where women are considered lesser beings. That rules out a LOT of places!

However, presuming it wasn't one of those countries, what I'd do in your situation is talk to work, see if I could get a year's sabbatical. If I could I'd talk to DP & tell him I'll come for a years trial, but he's going to have to do his share of the compromising. You'll be giving up - living near your son, your parents, friends - your whole life, including your financial stability. His part of the deal is to transfer £xxxx into your UK bank account every month to cover the expenses of keeping your house etc DS can keep living there and pay council tax, power etc. You are moving to his country because he earns 20x what you do, he can put some money where his mouth is, is far less in real terms than what you'd be giving up.

If he says no, ask him why he thinks YOU should be the only one making sacrifices to make this work.

[saffronwblue]

I would only go if 1) I was very protected financially. If you can't work, what will you live on? Will he give you money? Does that mean he will assume some kind of control? and 2) if new partner understood that when needed I would jump on a plane to support my son or parents.

[Topseyt]

I too would be reluctant to give up a good job and pension and go to live abroad with someone I had only spent a few weeks here and there with. That is what it is really.

It would have less to do with whether a son in his mid twenties could fend for himself and almost everything to do with it being too much of a leap of faith and loss of financial independence for me.

I would also be wary of moving so far away from parents as they age. Mine are in their eighties and a three hour drive away, and that is quite far enough even though we are still in the same country.

None of that is to say absolutely don't do it. Just that I would be wary.

[ThisThingCalledLife]

OP, i think you need to put yourself first for a change.

Your son is capable of standing on his own two feet - but he just wants things to stay as they are - which is understandable but that doesn't make it right.

You've put him first all this time and he needs to understand that YOU have a life of your own too.
How would he feel if you told him to hold off buying a house until he's been with his gf for a X amount of years first? I bet he wouldn't like that at all.

I don't think your OP is being a twat. He's been patient and waited until your dc was an adult who could look after himself.
I can totally understand why he would rather end the relationship than be kept hanging on forever.

If you go over and things don't work out - you can always come back.

[Lucked]

Is where you are going important? Is he worried about the location?

[AcrossthePond55]

I doubt very much if I would give up a good career and a close family to move long distance to a foreign country to live with a man with whom I haven't spent all that much time over the past 3 years.

I might consider it if I had qualifications to find a good paying job there AND I knew if the shit hit the fan that I'd be able to come home and resume my career at home again. That I had sufficient in savings/investments to finance myself for at least 3 months in either place if he ended up being not all I thought he'd be so I'd have some breathing room. Even with that, I would never move to a country in which women were not valued and treated equally with men.

[Bloodybloodyheckers]

Ok so you have had extended periods of time living together already (3 months?) that's good.

You need to be really sure that you are secure and safe and then yes I'd go for it. Your son is old enough now, it's your turn.

[ellamoromou]

Bloodybloodyheckers Sat 26-Nov-16 00:01:47
Where is the other country?

How long have you actually been with this partner in actual physical presence? 3 years - been together from 2 weeks to 3 months

Are we talking US businessman or Nigerian billionaire? (Don't care if that sounds wrong!) haha! neither -:(

The thing is forget what your son at 20s does/doesn't want, think about if it's a sensible decision. If it is then go!

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

I've an ultimatum - either I put 'us' first or as much as he doesn't want it to - we're over

Agree with Hedda. I think I'd be saying, byee, it was fun while it lasted.

[HeddaGarbled]

I would never give up a fantastic job, pension, financial independence and family for a man who threatens to dump me if I don't do what he says. Toooooo risky.