to think this friendship will go nowhere

[lemondropcake]

I met a nice single mum at my old job. I left for a new role and we agreed to keep in touch.
I have a dp and a dd who is seven. She has a dd who has just turned one.
My new role is very physical and I am exhausted when I come home. I took the job because the hours are good, it's full time but school pick ups are easy and I can still take dd to after school activities. By the time i have cooked tea and cleaned up I am done in. Dp arrives home from work at 7.15 and helps what he can.

Anyway with this new role I have two days off one on a week day and one on a Sunday.
Sunday is my family day when we are all off and do things together.
My friends days off are sat and Sun.
She wants to have a play date with the kids but dd is seven and hers is one so I can't see it working out all that well. I am only free on a Sunday and that's my family time with dp and dd and can't be arsed with soft play, which is the only thing the kids can do together.
I would be up for meeting on a Saturday night but she said she doesn't like pubs as she doesn't drink and I mentioned going out for dinner but she is dead set on doing only kid friendly activities.
our lives are very different as I have a partner, a school age child and a house to run plus work. She has her job and a single mum who lives with her mum who does all the babysitting and household chores so I'm not sure she understands how hard it is for me to meet up on a Sunday - when it's the only quality family time I get.
aibu to think arranging to meet is just going to be hard work or am I a selfish cow?

[lemondropcake]

I'm not really sure why she doesn't want to meet in the evenings. The baby goes to her dad's every second weekend so childcare shouldn't be that much of an issue.
She did she say doesn't drink and I'm not sure if she feels anxious that evening activities mite involve alcohol.
I'm quite happy meeting for a meal or the cinema or something so I will suggest that.

I don't want to muck her about with the Sunday issue. I guess there is no point agreeing to meet up on a Sunday if my heart isn't in it. I will just explain the situation and leave the ball in her court. Thanks guys.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

OP, I think you're right, this friendship was better left behind, with your old job. She probably is a nice person, but you don't really have any time, or much in common.
You don't have to make things fit.
Don't give this anymore head space, and move on.

[YellowDinosaur]

I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time.

Why should the op sacrifice her one family day when her friend won't compromise at all? Friendship can't work without give and take. I bet if her friend was prepared to meet up one evening then she'd compromise one Sunday.

I'd resent it too, in this situation where I felt I was the only person compromising. This is nothing to do with being judgemental and superior about her circumstances ffs, the op is simply prioritising time with her family over time with a friend. I'd do the same too in this situation

[ClarissaDarling]

OP's friend- ' I only want to meet in the daytime not evening' posters -'that's fine'
OP- 'Id rather meet in the evenings..' Posters- 'you're awful' 'you HATE single mothers' agree with wookie- try meet for coffee in day and explain your constraints?

[Wookiecookies]

Even better, once a month for a sunday coffee, and once a month in a pub in the evening? That would be a compromise on both sides, which after all is the foundation of any good relationship. If she cant/wont meet in the middle then I dont know what more you can do sadly!

[Redlocks28]

Sorry-I meant she's ruling out a lot by not wanting to socialise in the evenings.

[Redlocks28]

I think she is ruling out quite a lot of social activities by not wanting to do anything at the weekends! We don't tend to socialise on Sundays as we're busy cleaning, doing homework, studying or just chilling, being a family. I tend to see friends (single or not) in the evenings-meals, cinema, drinks, yoga, theatre etc

If a friend could only see me on Sundays with the children (who were a very different age to mine)-I wouldn't see them very often! My kids want to see their own friends.

[Wookiecookies]

There are some very nasty comments from certain people here OP, I am not surprised you feel defensive and misunderstood because I did not read anything like what you are being accused of in your OP.
Its always difficult when you have time pressures, maybe do go for a coffee one sunday morning, but use it as an opportunity to explain your concerns about time pressures to your friend? Explain that you wish you could give more time, but maybe compromise and meet once a month instead?

[lemondropcake]

Well it works both ways doesn't it

[witsender]

Well, why post a thread about it tbh? If you want to be friends you will find time for her. If you dont, then you won't.

[lemondropcake]

I am not superier to anyone. I do not give a flying fuck if someone is single, taken, married, divorced, gay or what ever!
I also do not care if someone works part time or full time or unemployed.
This is about our lifestyles clashing a bit and not making it easy for us to have a friendship. Not enough hours in the day and as she doesn't want to meet in the evenings and i do not want to meet on my one day i get to spend time with my family, i can not see a way of developing a close friendship.
i am not judgemental of her circumstances at all but they just don't work with mine That's all.
If I have a superier tone it has came across all wrong. I shouldn't care as it's only a forum but I am far from the person some people are making me out to be on this. And to be called an insecure woman because i don't want to meet up with dp in tow, because he wouldn't want to btw not because I think she's going to steal him off me!

[CarolineSecretan]

Is it all evenings you can do? If she really wanted to meet she would, so she's being unfair by trying to make you give up your one family day.

[Pineapplemilkshake]

Sounds like you don't really want to spend time with her. It wouldn't hurt a 7 year old to spend a bit of time with a baby - lots of siblings have this age gap and manage it. We look after my 2 year old niece quite a lot and my DS (10) enjoys it.

[Americatrumped]

Ah, so your superior tone is not just that you have a man, and she doesn't, but that you work FT, and she doesn't.

You clearly aren't her friend. Do her a favour.

[lemondropcake]

That's the top and bottom of it. I'm busy a lot and I don't want to make plans and not be arsed with them or make excuses.
She doesn't want to meet in evenings and I don't really want to meet on Sundays but I'm trying to compromise but resenting it a bit. And that's just the truth.
I don't want to upset anyone or lead them down the garden path or have a wishy washy friendship.

[littleprincesssara]

If you genuinely like her but it's just too complicated right now, maybe stay FB friends? Or only see each other occasionally?

I travel a lot for work, and most of my friends have pretty crazy lives, so some of my closest friendships are now 99% phone/text/sm/whatsapp.

On the other hand if deep down you don't want to be friends with her, don't be - it's not fair on her.

[lemondropcake]

She works part time.
Thats fine if she is too exhausted to meet up in the evenings. Part of what I'm saying that it just doesn't work.

[Americatrumped]

It might be a fucking exhausted thing? Single mum, works full time. Ffs.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I must admit I've left jobs telling colleagues we'd stay in touch but never have . It's just something you say when you leave (although I do send some of them Christmas cards).
Friendships do need time and effort to sustain so perhaps it's best this one fizzles out.

[Americatrumped]

I wouldn't want to meet up with someone who spoke about me in this tone.

Don't bother, op.

[lemondropcake]

That's the problem though she won't budge. She has blown me off twice about meeting in the evenings.
She doesn't drink, which isn't a problem but she just doesn't want to meet at night. It may be a childcare thing or an anxiety thing but it's the only real chance I can get with friends.

[lemondropcake]

I have a close circle of friends and only two of them have partners. They like to meet in the evening same as me. It's easier.
I have no issues about her meeting my partner but my partner will not want to sit with two women and the kids at a soft play, not his thing and he would rather do his own thing. And if it were me I would not want to sit with a couple unless I was bringing someone along too.
I mentioned her being a single mum because our set ups are different. My partner and I both work full time so it's hard finding a whole day to be together. She doesn't have that to worry about yet as she is single and can please herself. Not that I have a vendetta against single parents. I was once one myself!

[BackforGood]

If you want to spend some time with her, then there are things you could do without going to softplay. Lots of 7 yr olds like playing with a baby for a change. Or you could meet her for an hour without your dd.

But, if it's going to work as a friendship then compromise needs to be two ways - invite her over for a coffee or for lunch or something one Saturday but explain you don't want that to become routine as it's the only time you have with your dp and dd, so ask if maybe next time you can meat for a meal after work, or to go for a drink or to a show or something in the evening next time, and alternate. If she won't budge then there's your answer.

[Leeds2]

Could you go swimming on a Sunday morning, so maybe more fun for your DD?

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

I would go for a Sunday morning coffee somewhere kid-friendly every 3 or 4 weeks and let DP have a lazy Sunday morning. You can have your family time after that. See how it goes, it will either work or it will fizzle out.