to think dd should distance herself from this 'friend'?

[marvelousdcomics]

DD has had this friend (who is a boy, just to clarify) since they were 11. Now both 15. In the last 6 months this friend has been having mood swings and dd seems to be on the receiving end of anything he does. She says she both does and doesn't want to be his friend, but feels bad if she leaves him - 1) he is basically her only friend and 2) she is basically his only friend.

He has a crush on her. DD politely reiterated that she is gay, although she would love to stay friends. Friend now keeps telling her he loves her, kisses her, hugs her, always touches her, holds her hands, follows her most places - all without her permission. She says 'its creepy' and he just doesn't stop, bo matter what she says to him.

On the other hand, he frequently tells her to piss off, shut up etc. Today he said 'being gay is a genetic defect' He spreads rumours about her, and roots through her bag all the time (which has personal items etc), and never apologises.

He even follows her to the toilets, which freaks dd out. In classwork, if she wants to work with anyone else, he tells everyone else to 'fuck off' before making dd work with him.

He has spent £30 on her for Xmas (she hasn't bought him anything yet - no money), and has said he loves her and keeps asking her out etc. She wants to break up the friendship but would feel bad about it.

Also, this boy mocked her eating disorders and told the whole year group that she is a 'mental self harmer'. She is really distressed in this situation but doesn't know what to do.

I think she should end the friendship. WWYD? TIA.

[marvelousdcomics]

Thank you to unescorted's dd

Mindfields, yes there are 5 female - to - male students. It is a big school. There are 2 in year 11, 2 in year 10 and 1 in year 8. I mentioned this on my other thread about dd's bullying.

Thank you everyone for all replies.

[Mindfields]

This is like all MN threads rolled into one to be honest.

Transgender, lesbian, bullying, homophobia, eating disorders, self harm, stalking, sexual assault, harassment, home schooling, special needs (have I missed any?).

[Unescorted]

DD says : "honestly i think instead of removing your DD from the school you should speak to the school and try to get him removed instead because I personally have had issues similar to this (obviously not on the same scale as this case) I have been followed home by this person and followed around school - i told people about it, he came up and yelled at me saying i was a lying whore and i should drink bleach. but i just told peopple about it again. he kept sending me messages saying i would regret telling people and he would hurt me (which i still do believe) but because i told people he is staying away from me for now because it turned on him a bit. i know this may not be the easiest thing to do in your situation but even by telling you mum or whoever else you are allready helping yourself in the long run. Sounds cringey ik but it helped alot and if he keeps harassing you, you need to tell the police or your pastoral manager (but depends if they are any good) . If none of this helps id ask to move schools. but from personal experience teachers dont do shit they just say " lets all just be friends" or words to that effect and i understand the 'dead embarrassing' bit because peeps start being nosy and ask whats happening. you should definitly look into getting him out of the school though because NoBody should be spoken to/ treated like that. But try to keep the higher ground and dont whatever you do sink to his level.

hope it all gets better for you x x x

PS sorry that was really long

[Pollyanna9]

I'm with you Ohyesiam. There comes a point where stating clearly and with intent that you will not hesitate to involve the police and press charges - is a very good thing. Even if not done directly but done through the school thence thru his parents (but in front of the teachers) I think many people are way, WAY too hesitant about using the law for school children - they deserve the same protection as anyone else, that stuff takes place in school should make no difference. I don't believe in overreacting or overtly threatening a child but I don't think there's anything wrong with clearly stating your case.

If necessary formal restraining orders and constant reporting to the police if it doesn't stop. This kid sounds like he's in a very bad place and he needs someone to help him before he does something stupid.

God, it's SO worrying having kids!!! You think the toddler years will be the worst but crikey, that's soft play compared to this!!!

[JustSpeakSense]

I'd rather have no friend than a friend like this.....and btw the reason she doesn't is probably because he's driven everyone away from her.

[EweAreHere]

It's also stalking, based on the sounds of it.

I would also ask the police for advice if it were me.

[Ohyesiam]

My dh is head of pastoral care at a big comp, and he days the school should be talking this in a full on way. Including in school sanctions for out of school behaviour.
I would want to talk to the boy myself, and tell him that of he touches my daughter again, I will have him arrested for assult and sexial harassment. I am not a dramatic person, and don't believe in soap opera tactics, but adults colluding with his behaviour will not serve him or your daughter. I don't mean to sound blaming to you,( I really get how it's hard to see the wood from the trees in a highly stressful situation) but is really time to take this head on.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Your daughter sounds lovely and I'm sure she will soon make lots of new friends without this controlling bullying potential rapist monopolising her life.

[Mindfields]

it consists of 5 FTM students who were the aggressors of the homophobic bullying

Seriously?

They have 5 (what I assume are) female-to-male trans students at her school?

[marvelousdcomics]

Dh has said if he sees the boy 'escorting her home' then he will have a word (he works from home - I work 3 days per week). I think dd will be home schooled until we have confirmation for a transfer. Unfortunately most girls at her school don't like her 'because she might fancy them' , so I don't think approaching them would be a good idea

[YouTheCat]

I think speak to the school. Explain everything and see what they suggest. This boy' behaviour is massively worrying.

If you dd is amenable, I'd home school her until you can get another place sorted out.

[Lynnm63]

You have to go to the school. This is so not on my DC are similar ages and this would be nipped in the bud.i would also corner him when he stalks your dd on her walk home. I'd make it crystal clear that if he does anything further then the Police will be involved.
You have to protect your dd and push for the move to the new school asap. This is one time where having no friends will be better than having this "friend".

[HighwayDragon1]

If she approached any group of girls they'll help her, pick a kindly looking group and walk up to them while he is following her and askfor their help! Girls are there for each other where creeps are concerned

[marvelousdcomics]

Madrat, yes we are considering homeschool. DD wouldn't mind that much as she just loves to learn, regardless of the environment.

Ewe, I didn't know until recently. I always thought he was a good lad, it was only recently dd told me everything. Of course I would have done something sooner, but I didn't ad I purely did not know.

Polly, I will let all know what happens as and when it does. He has sent messages tonight. DD didn't respond and he was like 'dont you love me?', 'why are you ignoring me?' etc. This is the first time he's done anything over social media though. Thank you for your messages, they are very reassuring/supportive.

[Trifleorbust]

You need to keep her away from him, and if that involves keeping her off or moving schools so be it. I am a teacher so am whole-heartedly in favour of students being in school, but this isn't a safe situation.

[Halloweensnake]

If yr dd hasn't any other friends,I'd be thinking change school..I know it's near exams.but there's 6th form to ,so that's 3 yrs in that school ,or a new one

[SoTheySentMeA]

Good god, this sounds horrendous! Poor DD! Unfortunately, I have no advice to offer other than the same as PP have already said about going to the school and escalating to the police if its not resolved. I really hope this gets sorted quickly, he's already exerted so much control over her :(

[Pollyanna9]

Oh the poor girl. School is like an exercise in mental hell a lot of the time these days (certainly has been for my DD).

Please let us know how you get on. Has he sent stuff by social media that your DD can screenshot.

I suppose (as unwelcome as it's been for her) this will be an example of a situation in life where in order to get something sorted out it may get worse for a little while before it gets better. God bless our kids, they try SO hard to handle it all on their own don't they and (mine anyway) is always desperate that I don't involve school - it's a tightrope walk on eggshells (!) trying to empower their decision making but there comes a point where you have to step in (and you're clearly rightly at that point).

[EweAreHere]

Why on earth has it gotten to this point without you going to his parents and/or the school?

This is abusive. Controlling possessive, intimidating. Abuse.

Protect your daughter.

[Madratlady]

Can she stay at home and study 'home schooled' until you get the place at the new school? That reads as pretty disturbing behaviour, if it continues to escalate, especially if he know she's leaving soon, do you think he might seriously assault her? Obviously unwanted kissing and touching is already sexual assault but things like following her to the toilets and home put her in quite a vulnerable situation.

[Hereforthebeer]

[marvelousdcomics]

Thank you Polly. It is definitely having an effect on her, especially with MH issues which she is already recovering from. She is more withdrawn, crying quite a bit and takes a bit of coaxing to ask her what's wrong.

[marvelousdcomics]

Thank you Cashel. We have a diary of hos actions/behaviour which started a week ago last Friday. I may call 111, but I think my main priority is school (though not sure how they can handle out of school situations). Thank you all for your replies so far, I really just hope his behaviour does not escalate.

[Pollyanna9]

Yes, and no matter how well DD seems to be coping and handing it, it WILL be having an effect on her and it's not good for her going forward to be exposed to this, trying to handle it, and it almost becoming a 'normal' part of a relationship (although thankfully she's clear in her mind that it's not ok, but also clearly feels trapped).

I'd definitely take definitive action straight away and including school being involved with ensuring this boy leaves her alone. She should make a statement of all the things he's done with dates where possible and if she can do it before you go to see the school, all the better.

I do hope you can sort it out but he sounds potentially worryingly nuts to me (sorry).

[CashelGirl]

Without wanting to alarm you or your daughter, but he sounds like a very dangerous young man. It reads like a classically abusive relationship - he has isolated her from other friends, he belittles her in public, he is controlling. I would also be very worried about how his behaviour could escalate if she tries to separate herself from him. I would suggest speaking to the police on 111 and seeing if your local DV service has anyone that works especially with young people. If not, your daughter might find support from Stonewall or even traditional DV services. I would also keep a diary of what he has done/said going forward. I am so sorry your daughter is going through this - this is not her fault at all and she deserves to be having fun, and making lots of friends (or a couple of good friends) and meeting girls and falling in and out of love, and not having her teenage years being robbed by this boy.