Argument with a manchild and now being ignored

[LittleBitSadLittleBitMad]

The cunt! The selfish cunt!
I'm AIBUing this one because there are a couple of reasons I may actually be partly to blame.

So, things had been really bad with us, to the point I was planning to leave and then they plateaued out and I felt like I'd blown the whole relationship problems out of proportion.

Today he sleeps till midday because, fair enough, he was working till midnight. He's working all day tomorrow and said he'd take us (me and dd) out for a lunch before work (think nandos rather than the ivy) . Whilst he's asleep I get a call from my sister saying can I make a birthday massage appointment for 3pm and she'll look after dd in the process. I think, 'great, I can do lunch then go afterwards' too good to turn down right? Dp come out of the bedroom to ask who's been on the phone so I explain. He goes mad shouting that we had plans and his plan was for us to eat late so he would go straight to work from the restaurant. I say that I'd still love to go out for lunch but no! He storms out for a smoke kicking dd's toys across the room and tells me to stay out of the front room. I've been ignored since then and am now on my way for a massage

Reasons why I may be unreasonable: we only had a small window to spend together as a family this weekend and I shortened it by an hour, he was offering a nice thing as we are skint, meals out don't happen often and finally because I made these plans which would impact on our ones without consulting him first.

So AIBU?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Baby steps are good.

[LittleBitSadLittleBitMad]

I won't forget. They're baby steps but in the right direction. He knows things are changing and the way he acts now, going into the future will tell me all I need to know.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I think you both have a way to go to grow into the people you'd like to become. Him to grow up and you to recognise and value yourself. Both of these things are what true adults do well. I'm a work in progress on the valuing myself front too.

[baconandeggies]

Don't forget you said this yesterday:

You know what? I do deserve better.

[LittleBitSadLittleBitMad]

Thanks Arf I'm definitely getting more assertive so all in all its been a positive argument. There was a time when I wouldn't have even considered my sisters offer for fear of offending him and if I did I'd then be apologising or trying to make it up to him for the next week. Times are changing and he can either grow up and keep a good relationship or he can fuck right off!

[LittleBitSadLittleBitMad]

Last night when he got in I think (I was out for the count) he tried to apologise and I have a half awake memory of turning my back to him.

I'm no good at sustaining arguments though so called and said "are we done now" he said I think so and that's the end of this stupid argument. Thanks for seeing me through it

[Snog]

Call him out on communication, tantrumming and sulking and say this is not an adult way to behave. You need to be able to resolve conflict or disagreements in a constructive way within your relationship.
It takes two so if you accept this behaviour it will continue.
I've been there!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Not in catering. . Just added 8 hours onto 4pm. So he gets home at 1am. I can understand these sleep patterns during the week but at weekends surely he can make more of an effort. Plenty of parents function on 1am bedtime and 7am wake up when they go out for the evening for example. I'm not prescribing a 7am wake up as he'd be pretty knackered especially driving home after work. Others have suggested 9am would be doable or perhaps even occasionally earlier if he had a nap before heading off to work. He's not making time for the family and taking an hour out of his designated 'protected time' of a whopping 3 hours once in a blue moon should be acceptable. He sounds like a real joy to live with.

[LittleBitSadLittleBitMad]

Ahickie he does see that time as 'protected time' for himself As he does work long and exhausting hours. It's not easy for either of us.

[LittleBitSadLittleBitMad]

Mummytodragons bang on with the shift hours, do you work in catering!

[LittleBitSadLittleBitMad]

Strawberry those were my concerns that I was being a bit unreasonable. I was umming and ahhing when my sister called knowing that I'd have to leave at 2pm to make the massage whereas he would be leaving at three. I just couldn't turn down the offer of a free massage and childcare. If he'd been given that opportunity I would have been happy for him and bundling him out of the door.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I totally agree his behaviour was unacceptable. If he wanted family time, he would make an effort to get up a bit earlier. Assuming his shift pattern is 4pm til midnight or even 1am, he didn't need to stay in bed til lunchtime. He sounds like a stroppy toddler and you sound like unhappy roommates, not a couple.

I really think you need to stop appeasing him. He will see it as a weakness and take this as a means to belittle you. If you want try to calm the situation, it really should be more bright and breezy and along the lines of "are you ready to make up?" "ok, that's fine, let me know when you are." Cue hang up or walking away. Anything else and you are no longer being an adult but have slipped into child and he will slip into parent. (As per Transactional analysis model: parent adult, child.)

You also need to learn to care about and protect yourself better. Going towards him to calm your feelings is wrong. You need to love yourself and find the strength from within. The massage was a very good bit of "me time" and bravo for your sister setting that one up. Yes it could have been better planned but at least she recognises you need time for yourself. In this snapshot of your life, she seems to be taking better care of you than you are of yourself - I won't even talk about your partner your needs don't seem to touch his radar.

[Ahickiefromkinickie]

Theres no reason he cant have been up at 9 am, had breakfast, and spent time with his family.
What's that got to do with what the OP posted?

StrawberryLime it's got everything to do with what OP posted.

The twat fucked about/slept between midnight and midday. Even if he has a bit of downtime, he should be up at 9/10 to spend time with his family.

Then when he can be bothered to spare his family a couple of hours, he objects when OP isn't waiting around at home at his convenience.

[honeydewcactus]

Just keep weighing up the pros and cons of your marriage. How many more times are you going to pussy foot around him and his strops. I recommend book,Too Good to Leave, Too bad to Stay, especially if you struggle with not being able to see what's acceptable behaviour in a relationship. This is for all readers who are struggling with the to leave or not question - don't waste years, it's better to end it when the children are young, than keep trying and finally give up when the children are five years older.

[Highlandfling80]

Sorry op said

[Highlandfling80]

He said she had shortened family time. He did the same by staying in bed.

[Highlandfling80]

So she is impacted on family time by having a massage at 3. Well he is impacting on family time by maybe going to bed at 1 and sleeping for says11 hours. Lunch is midday to 1.

[StrawberryLime]

And then he kicks a child's toys around in a tantrum?
Pathetic

Did I say that was acceptable? No. Absolutely not. Said as much. Just think it's a bit off to accept lunch plans with someone who's been working until midnight, so in bed around 1am to 2am depending on commute and wind down time then compacting them to an hour or so window before dashing off for a massage.
You make plans for lunch, you do lunch. Not be checking your watch wondering whether it's time to go or not yet.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Lunch is 12-2 leaving you free at 3 and all is good.
Or indeed you could do massage at 3 and dinner at 4.30.
Your arse of a p sleeps 12 hours and has a hissy fit when you work around his vague plans. And then he kicks a child's toys around in a tantrum?
Pathetic.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

strawberry twelve til two is your leisurely two hour lunch so again, why is 3pm a problem?! Honestly, a lunch date should not write off your whole afternoon, that's absurd. She shouldn't have turned down her sister because who would still be at lunch at three?!

[StrawberryLime]

Thetes no reason he cant have been up at 9 am, had breakfast, and spent time with his family.
What's that got to do with what the OP posted?

[StrawberryLime]

strawberry how does a mid afternoon appointment impact on lunch?! OP could easily do both so he wasn't ditched at all..

Lunch. Approximately 12pm? You've made plans with someone to go out for lunch with them. That's a nice leisurely lunch envisaged of at least an hour or two. No restrictions imposed on it. Looking forward to it.
Then your lunch date gets a phone call from someone else asking them to go have a massage session with them at 3pm. Presuming the massage place isn't within walking distance of your lunch place, it will impact as they'll basically have an hour or so and then have to rush off.
Can kind of see why when you've already made plans it does seem like you're squeezing them in. Could surely have said to sister "sorry, already got plans but would love to do another day" that way you're not just squeezing people in as an afterthought.

[NightWanderer]

Even if he went to bed at 1am, thats 11 hours of sleep. Hes not a toddler. Thetes no reason he cant have been up at 9 am, had breakfast, and spent time with his family.