AIBU to go NC with these friends

[nobodyputsbabyinthecornor]

I am best friends with 3 other girls the last 30 years. We spent everyday of our childhood together , each others bridesmaids ect. Admittedly see less of each other now because if work, children and other such thing but still manage to meet up bout every 6 weeks and speak weekly . Here is my gripe ... My niece committed suicide a year ago now and my mother died very suddenly from cancer 6 weeks later . All 3 girls attended the funerals but not one of them came to see me before or after. Both my mam and niece were laid out in the house so they could if came to the house in the days before the funeral mass and knew they weren't intruding. More recently I told them that my little girl was being assessed for autism , told them the date. They never once enquired to see how it went. My daughter does have autism but I haven't told them because i am thinking what's the point. I am begging to feel increasingly bitter towards them. Am I being a bit precious or would I be justified in slowly cutting them out?

[Sara107]

Applecart, I'm Irish too and I agree there is a big difference in how death and funerals are dealt with in England. Op, I lost my mum 3 years ago and my dad this year. Because they were in Ireland there was no question of anyone from my life here actually going to their funerals, but generally I found English people seem very uncomfortable about death. When I went back to work after Dads death none of my colleagues even said good morning - I was politely ignored, and I have worked with these people for many years. Even my mother in law did the polite ignoring thing, she has never once mentioned the loss of my parents. I can understand that you find your friends unsupportive and uncaring, but maybe they just feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say. If you value their friendship then see if you can speak to them about it and explain how you feel. If this doesn't work, then maybe it is time to just let the friendship drift apart. If they don't feel like friends, what is the point?

[Applecarts]

Sara, I'm so sorry. That must have felt very isolating. I have to say that I think (to generalise wildly from my experience of 20 years living here) that generalised English attitudes to death are pretty screwed-up. You would think from some responses (including the exact kind of thing you say, and it's come up more than once on Mn threads when people have returned to work after losing a parent or a spouse only to have no one mention it) that a bereavement was something terribly embarrassing that it's kinder not to mention, and in no way something that happens to everyone, sooner or later.

When a good (Asian) friend's father died in London during my student days in England, she was terribly puzzled and hurt that no one from our close friendship was going to come to the funeral (which wasn't far from the university), and I realised it was just a culture clash, and rounded up a lot of our friends to attend - and then one fainted at the sight of friend's father's body, which was laid out in his home. Even though her own mother had died a few years earlier, she had never seen her body. It made me very aware of the differences.

[nobodyputsbabyinthecornor]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I've a lot going in in my head at the minute with losing both my niece and mam and my daughters autism dx so I won't do anything hasty like go NC with them until I talk to them ... I will do that in time.

[Katy07]

I'd not have wanted to visit before the funeral because I'd have worried that I'd be expected to view the body. And people seem to think that once the funeral is over then life is back to normal (even though in some ways that's when it gets difficult) - when my sister died friends were good(ish) up to the funeral but once it was over, that was it, it didn't get mentioned.
It sucks that no-one's bothered to ask about your daughter but maybe they don't want to bother you so soon just in case you're struggling, or maybe they're just really busy. Don't rush into dumping them (says the person who drops people over the slightest thing!)

[Ninarina]

Condolences firstly. Secondly have they made zero contact- not even a text? I'm from Asian culture but I've seen the same thing- friends from primary school came to mum's funeral but then nothing even tho they know I'm totally alone. I hate to sound like my dad but it's a modern affliction. People are self- centred. If you don't put it on Facebook, those awful twee messages for likes etc, you are stuffed. I hate this generation. Sorry you are having a difficult time x