AIBU Family grrrrrrr

[graysquirrel]

So DH's uncle and auntie in law are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary next week. We had an invite to a 'doo' to celebrate which we received a few weeks back. We're not able to make it as we have another thing booked with friends (joint get together to celebrate a few 40ths) all of us have LOs so it's a low key but very much looked forward to meet up.
Anyway DH to his admission completely forgot to reply to Auntue/Uncle's invite, but in our lack of response the family have taken that we will be attending and paid for 4 meals upfront for us.

We are at a loss of what you do. Feel really bad that this has happened but a quick text/call to check would have confirmed that we wouldn't be going. DH father (brother of uncle) is giving us huge emotional blackmail that we should go as they've paid alot of money out for us etc. It may seem trivial but this is part of a long list of issues where we get walked over by his family and give in for an easy life.

I have suggested we ring the venue and check if numbers can be adjusted and/or pay them 'back' for our meals even, so we can walk away guilt free. But still I'm angry they have assumed we would be going or want to force us to change our plans, whatever we're seen as the bad people in this and being made to feel like it atm by DH father.

AIBU and does anyone have any advice to fix this?!

DH has bipolar so actively avoids any confrontation to avoid any excess stress which doesn't help.

[NightCzar]

I think the back story is important and they shouldn't have assumed. Also that the OP should have replied, given that a 40th could be rescheduled and organised.

However, you are where you are. Are your friends more understanding than your family? They may be willing to reschedule if you explain.

[ParForTheCourses]

I think the back story is very important here. If they show little interest in you but expect you to jump to it and you often have issues with them then I'd call the venue.

It's all good people saying put family first but what if your family are pretty shit and friends are your true close people? I'd go for my family any day but they are supportive and loving and though we may have issues we are close.

This does not sound the case for op. In fact though the not rsvying is rude if I knew my child was very ill with depression I wouldn't assume I would know because I'd be calling him or her and trying to support. Did your pil do that op?

[graysquirrel]

Thank you. X

[whirlwinds]

In my family you would be considered as yabvu, family comes first especially on big days like that. Friends come second.

[FleurThomas]

YABU for 1) not RSVPing and 2) putting friends over a close family member's golden anniversary.

[TaterTots]

They shouldn't have assumed you were coming, but given that you didn't reply you can't really take the high ground here. Just apologise, explain you can't come and offer to pay for the meal if it can't be cancelled. You not going is going to cause a row anyway - don't make it worse.

[RortyCrankle]

YABU. I don't understand why, knowing your DH was unwell, YOU didn't RSVP. A golden wedding anniversary is a once in a lifetime event and trumps birthday celebrations especially when it's not even on the date. I also don't think it was U of his family to assume that you would be attending.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Your message puts a different slant on things. In this situation I don't know what I would do.

[Katiepoes]

Also re asking other members of the family, that is exactly how it works in mine, it's bloody annoying but there seems to be a core group of organising types that take it upon themselves to keep the grapevine open.

[Katiepoes]

For the people suggesting calling the venue - how would that work? Do such places allow just anyone call up and make changes to bookings? I'd be hopping mad if someone did that to me, that is way cheekier than assuming a non-response is a yes.

[SheldonsSpot]

I think you should all go to the anniversary meal. Rearrange the birthday(s) get together - sounds like it's way after the events now anyway so another few weeks won't hurt.

and chalk it up as a lesson learned to rsvp in a timely manner in future.

[2kids2dogsnosense]

Wonder why they contacted other family members (your SIL) rather than you and DH.

[2kids2dogsnosense]

Justnotright
^hack each (wtf?) = have already
Nota ting = contacting

I think I need to cut my fingernails^

Stop making excuses for the autocorrect. No wonder it doesn't mend its ways.

[londonrach]

Just seen update. If dh birthday party is your family invited as well. Doesnt sound well planned to have two family dos same date different venue unless big family get together for both. The 50th wedding anniversary still tops a 40th birthday. Can you rearrange the 40th?

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Having seen your latest post OP, and in particular this comment:
Further information has revealed that other members of family (his sister) were asked about attendance from non reply, they just assumed we wouldn't have any other plans.
My advice would be to contact the venue to check numbers and adjust if possible. Let the venue know that you appear to have been included in numbers and that you want to inform them that you will not be able to make it.
Then whoever has paid up front for you will have paid more towards their part of the night so no one loses out.

I wouldn't cancel or reschedule your DH's celebrations - why should you?
I'm confused (just a smidge) by this comment:
We suspect we have been blackmailed into this by his father potentially saying this as we 'should put family first'.
Are they putting family first by going to your DH's rescheduled 40th celebrations or were they invited?

[DeusExDomina]

Wow OP. This thread went south pretty quickly for you, didn't it.

It seems you and your husband have an agreement where he deals with his side of the family and you deal with yours, which I have seen advocated on mn so many times its unbelievable. So why everyone is jumping on you, saying you should have replied mystifies me.

Also after the amount of times I've read that you don't cancel a prior engagement for a new invite and you don't give in to unpleasant emotional blackmail from in laws, I really can't understand some of the replies you've had here.

YANBU to not want to cancel a birthday celebration for your husband to attend a wedding anniversary meal, because your in laws assumed you wouldn't have any plans.

And I wouldn't be paying much attention to anyone trying to play fucking top trumps with these parties. One does not outweigh the other, you have plans so you go to those plans.

[graysquirrel]

Thanks for your replies. Interesting comments from both sides.

Context is that DH was signed off with depression when initial invite came so wasn't simply that he couldn't be bothered to reply, just getting up out of bed of a morning was effort enough at that time so it just slipped his mind during the past few months and hasn't been mentioned until now.

As I mentioned we wouldn't want anyone out of pocket which is why we're happy to replace costs, that was never an issue.

Other event is a belated celebration for DH 40th with some other friends turning 40 which was postponed from when he was ill as above.

Further information has revealed that other members of family (his sister) were asked about attendance from non reply, they just assumed we wouldn't have any other plans. We suspect we have been blackmailed into this by his father potentially saying this as we 'should put family first'. We always do, annoyingly so actually, so perhaps this is why they've taken us for granted.

We are not close to the family at all, have never been invited to weddings when others have for example. Just pass the time of day via Christmas cards and funerals normally.

Anyway resolve is DH is missing his own party to attend to keep everyone (except him!) happy.

Families....grrrrrrr

[MatildaTheCat]

Stop dealing with your in laws and deal with the aunt and uncle direct. I have very elderly in laws and young adult DC and it drives me insane the way the elders always try to get confirmation about events via me. How can I fucking tell if ds is planning to attend a family do in six weeks?

You and dh clearly haven't understood the importance of a golden wedding party in the family. It's a huge thing. Call them up and discuss in person. I think it's rude not to go, by their age these events are really special and they will be upset if the family isn't complete. Your friends will get over it or rearrange.

[Katiepoes]

In my family unless someone clearly declines it's assumed they're coming - especially to a big one like a 50th anniversary. When I got married not a fecking one of them RSVPd - when I checked they all had they 'well of course we're coming' attitude, annoying but that's how it is. I guess yours is similar - and if they really are like mine then I'm afraid you will have to go to the 50th or hear about it for the rest of time.

[ZenNudist]

I think you need to go to the family do. Celebrate with friends some other time. I don't think a low key get together with friends to celebrate everyone turning 40 (presumably not even on many people's actual birthdays?) is remotely in the same category as a 50th wedding anniversary.

If you'd not replied it would be reasonable to have secured your place, nephews and his family being the kind of guests you expect to see at these things. I bet his parents would expect to see you there.

It's always hard when it's not your side of the family. People don't feel the social obligation as keenly.

Just go now. If you'd wanted to get out if it it would have been as well to reply promptly. Even then it's a bit off. A 50th anniversary is a huge deal.

[luckylavender]

You should have replied, especially with back issues.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

You have had the invitation for a while. Shame you didn't sort this out before. I'm another one, who thinks the wedding anniversary is more special. Would it really be that hard to change the thing with friends to a different weekend?

[RhiWrites]

Come on people. OP isn't asking AIBU not to have RSVPed. She knows that she (or rather he husband) should have done that.

But it's not unreasonable to expect that no reply should be taken as not coming rather than people assuming you are coming and laying out cash to guilt you into it.

[emotionsecho]

This is what happens when you can't be bothered to RSVP, how long would it have taken you to pick up the phone when you received the invite you knew you already had a commitment that weekend.

Your options are:

One of you go to the 50th Wedding Anniversary, the other to the 40th birthday party.

You stick to your already agreed commitment, apologise to the relatives and pay for the pre-booked meals if they can't be cancelled.