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AIBU?

To limit chats with DP ex

51 replies

Punkdupfish · 01/10/2016 15:15

I have been with my DP for just over a year and living together 6 months. He has 2 DCs who stay at our home every other weekend and have done since last December.
Whilst I appreciate he has to have lots of contact with his ex for the children, it really upsets me that he has so much 'other' contact with her. Examples are chatting about her new baby, how did the birth go, weight if the baby, how is mum and baby. Chatting about her mum, her brother and other things they have in common from their old life.
I have talked to him a out this and his solution is too lay talk to her when I'm not about.
My opinion is that she has two roles, the mother of his children and his ex. And they should not cross over. I already have to listen to so many 'do you remember when' stories when the children are around (which I am fine with)... AIBU to think he should only be in contact with her on an 'as needed' basis.

OP posts:

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Whathaveilost · 01/10/2016 16:20

Yabu.
I had a boyfriend once and when we were chatting about the future he told me that he didn't want me to be chatting to my of my boyfriends anymore ( who were nice blokes and we'd split up for various reasons but stayed friends with). I partially took some of his advice. I dumped him that night and never spoke to him again. Too weird and controlling. He was creating problems where there were none. The other ex boyfriends ( from over a 15 year period) carried on being nice people.

Careforadrink · 01/10/2016 16:21

Yabu and controlling.

The better they get on the more positive it is for the children. Deal with your insecurity.

80sWaistcoat · 01/10/2016 16:34

You sound rather immature and a bit odd.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/10/2016 16:40

YABU for all the reasons stated above. And fwiw I have a similar relationship with my exH It's what's best for the kids isn't it?

stitchglitched · 01/10/2016 16:41

I think it reflects very well on your partner that he behaves so nicely to the mother of his children, it would be an attractive quality to me. If you can't deal with it you need to grow up or walk away, not come along and try to change a dynamic that clearly works in the interests of their children.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/10/2016 16:41

And by the way, your DP's kids don't come and stay in your home. It's their home too. You know, where their parent lives

Bluebell878275 · 01/10/2016 16:43

YABU. I WISH my husband and his ex had that sort of relationship.

harderandharder2breathe · 01/10/2016 16:47

Yabu

She has a baby with someone else, he's with you, it's not like they're getting back together or having cozy dates. It's great that they're friendly. Remember that her new baby is half-sibling to his children, why shouldn't he take a polite interest? Especially if the DC are excited about the baby. It's not his old life, like he's moved on to a new life, it's just his life. His kids are part of his 'old life', would you prefer if they weren't around as well?

Why does it bother you? What do you think is going to happen if it continues? And would that be worse than his reaction if you start telling him he can't talk to her?

HereIAm20 · 01/10/2016 16:49

They are talking about HER baby presumably with her new partner in her new life that has moved on from your ex. YABU - you must know that. I think you need to work on yourself and your own insecurities. It is nice that they are able to be friendly and for their children to see that.

I echo the poster who said the children are visiting their other home not staying with you!

If you are in this for the long haul you will need to toughen up where the ex is concerned and soften up where his kids are concerned.

Leatherboundanddown · 01/10/2016 16:50

Totally unreasonable! You should be happy you are with a man decent enough to have a decent relationship with the mother of his dc it isn't always easy like this.

Starlight234 · 01/10/2016 16:50

YABU.

You seem insecure..
This is the ideal relationship in order to co parent.

If you don't want to share your ex to any degree with an ex then never ever get with anyone who has children ( except my ex because he doesn't speak to me or his children but he is not a nice man so don't advise him)

I suspect if he talked to her when you wasn't around you would accuse him of been secretive.

I do think he needs to continue as he is and you need to deal with your insecurities ..As you both live together and she has just had a baby sounds like they have both moved on romantically but will always be tied together.

CalmItKermitt · 01/10/2016 16:52

Yabu

It's hellish when parents can't get on after a split and worse for the children.

You need to have a think about whether you're truly mature enough to be in a relationship like this.

AyeAmarok · 01/10/2016 16:53

Yes actually, if you and he have only been living together for six months, bit they've been staying at his house since last December, then it's actually more the DC's home than yours, really.

You do sound very immature and that you're not cut out for a relationship with a man with children.

Speedingthroughlife · 01/10/2016 17:11

Quite a bit of judgement here, wow. I haven't told him he can't do this. We as a couple, have discussed it. It is my house, bought ad paid for which he moved in to. I have opened it up to them and hence I call it 'our home' . All four of us. They have their own room, which I sorted out for them beige he even moved in so they would feel comfortable and welcome. I have no issues with the DC talking about their mother and for Mother's Day helped them make a photo canvas which included many photos of them, her and my partner. This is all family life which he is a part of. He is a fantastic dad and I actively encourage him to keep a good relationship with her. It has actually improved since we've been together. I have zero jealousy, I know how he actually feels about her.

AyeAmarok · 01/10/2016 17:13

So what's your beef?

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/10/2016 17:16

Yabu

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/10/2016 17:16

Name change fail?

Yeah, I now don't understand what the question is

Speedingthroughlife · 01/10/2016 17:19

My question is AIBU to ask him to limit it. I did change my name. No reason.... I realise the name history comes up. He and I have discussed it, as I do think there is a line. I wanted to know if asking him to limit it is reasonable or not. Clearly, the common consensus is that it is

Pistachiois50pmore · 01/10/2016 17:19

It's so much better that he's friends with her. YABVU.

My dad and my mum stayed friends after they divorced even though my stepmum hated it. It made the divorce so much easier for me (and them I think!) and I am eternally grateful that they were friendly throughout my childhood. I am so proud of them both, it can't have been easy. If my stepmum had "put her foot down" - essentially deliberately tried to make my childhood harder because of her own insecurity - I'd have hated her.

HardcoreLadyType · 01/10/2016 17:24

Sorry, YABU, and if you can't cope with this, then he is not the one for you.

AyeAmarok · 01/10/2016 17:28

My question is AIBU to ask him to limit it.

Yes, YABU. He's not having inappropriate conversations. He's talking to the mother of his children about his children's new sibling and their family.

Nowt wrong with that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/10/2016 17:30

Why limit it? You haven't really explained why...

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Jellybeansincognito · 01/10/2016 17:31

As much as it isn't nice to have to be reminded of their past all the time, it's his childrens mother and sometimes you can't win. You'd equally hate it if they didn't have an amicable relationship.
I can't see how their relationship is affecting yours bar causing insecurities from yourself. But those are your issues.

So I guess yabu.
Maybe talk to him and tell him how it's making you feel?

TheNaze73 · 01/10/2016 17:36

YABVU, bordering on controlling

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/10/2016 17:42

Speedingthroughlife I assume that you are OP Punkdupfish ?

You seem to be holding two opposite opinions here:

"I actively encourage him to keep a good relationship with her. It has actually improved since we've been together. I have zero jealousy, I know how he actually feels about her."

and

"Whilst I appreciate he has to have lots of contact with his ex for the children, it really upsets me that he has so much 'other' contact with her. Examples are chatting about her new baby, how did the birth go, weight if the baby, how is mum and baby. Chatting about her mum, her brother and other things they have in common from their old life. ... AIBU to think he should only be in contact with her on an 'as needed' basis."

Can you see how 'actively encourage a good relationship' does not match 'talk parenting and parenting only'?

The children's needs come first. And one thing they don't need is a tense and 'as needed' communication between their parents. So yes, YABU. I think you need to work out why you are bothered by them chatting - is it about them, or does this come from somewhere else; e.g. expectations of how people behave towards each other post-split based on what you've experienced earlier in your life?

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