to feel like most people are only interested in talking about themselves?

[lill72]

I seem to be around so many people at the moment who are only really interested in talking about themselves, asking few questions. I like to think I ask questions and am quite equal in conversation - being interested in people and their children. I am a good listener so I don't know if I attract these types as I will listen to all their crap too politely! But even mums I don't know so well and see in the street seem to bang on about themselves... thoughts?

[lill72]

Mortimers - this is too funnny! I agree.
sexdrugs - far from it. I am very chatty. I a just not brash and in your face. Some people like to dominate and you cant get a word in. I am too polite to be rude and interrupt so i let them go... sometimes a bit too much.

[MortimersRaven]

There's a screenwriter who said that 'a dialogue is just two monologues clashing' and ever since I heard of that I've become conscious of it when chatting with people. The majority of the time I think it's spot on.

[anotheronebitthedust]

I agree that most people are like this. However I may be in the minority in that I quite like it. I'm an introvert and consider myself to be quite awkward at making conversation, however the 'let people talk about themselves' tip has somehow resulted in me getting the reputation as a friendly person who is easy to make conversation with.

Most of the time I prefer listening to other people, after all I already know what my opinion is on, e.g. brexit, or what I did on the weekend, so hearing from different people is almost always going to be more interesting, because it is new.

If on the odd (or maybe not so odd) occasion the other person is really boring and I have no interest in what they're saying I can just smile and nod and slip into my own daydream. Either way it's more pleasant than sitting in silence, and saves me from thinking about interesting anecdotes, or either talking about aspects of my personal life I'd rather keep private, or making excuses about why I don't want to talk about them.

It also has the pleasant side effect of conversation finishing with talky person thinking they have had a lovely chat with me and that I am genuinely interested in the minutiae of their lives, therefore 'boosting' our friendship points, whereas I have had a nice ten minutes working out what I'm going to cook for tea, planning my holiday or thinking about the plot of my current book. Everybody wins!

The only exception to this is close friends/family, where I can find it a bit upsetting when nobody cares enough to listen/remember what you say.

[Atenco]

There've always been people like this. Long before facebook I went through a time where I only seemed to have friends like this. One of them actually didn't just talk about herself, she was a great story-teller and told me all kinds of interesting things about other people, but I couldn't help wondering how she ever found that stuff out, as she stayed with me for six weeks and I never got a word in edgeways.

[SexDrugsAndABriocheRoll]

So your that mum who just looks at you? Hi? Bit of opening chat stare fish, doesn't pick up their cue... try again... maybe they'll speak....pause...nope...until you find yourself prattling on to fill the awkward silence

[PoppyBirdOnAWire]

The poor souls who do this are needy and boring. The only thing to do with them is to cut across their dull monologue and be rude.
It's not about speaking up but trying to get as far away from them as possible.
I know I should feel sorry for them but instead I cringe at their lack of control.

[lill72]

Oh my gosh Jacelancs - I had a mum at nursery - I had just told her my mum had died and then she went onto to say that her DH was the 2nd top in his profession and that they'd had an amazing holiday.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!!!!!!!

I definitely agree - Facebook validates this behaviour.

Liliathe Lion - I have had this happen too with my mothers group. We o out on a girls night out and i realise that on one has found out anything about me. I agree - I do speak up and I do love telling a story but I am with you on the normal process of a conversation. I will volunteer information and speak up certainly but I find if I think someone is really not interested that i feel like i should finish what i am saying asap. I kind of lose confidence as i know they're not really bothered listening. If people actually ask a question (how it should work) then I feel like they're actually interested in the response.

I just don't get people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I don't know if I attract them as I am a good listener/mug

[WhiteDraig]

I use to love and still do on occasions listening to people talk about their families and their interest and their holidays.

However I have experienced a lot the TALK AT YOU thing - and you realise it doesn't matter it's use there in fact it feel like it doesn't matter that there is anyone there at all - I find I walk away from those conversations feeling slightly used and very insignificant.

Our family is terrible for it as well. MIL turns everything back to her 30 + years of package holidays or day trips - FIL does it with every food going on about meal's her eaten before I was born. It leaves the impression what every we do is inferior to their past experiences which we have no part of.

Our marriage and first pg turned out to be all about them - and about a childhood friend of DH wife - who unfortunately had her last child few month before our first.

That has gotten better mainly as friend has no use for them anymore - doesn't need free labour from FIL or free babysitting form MIL so they don't see them. That has meant more interests in their GC - but we can never talk about places or thing we've done with DC as it a cue for them to shoe horn their trips in.



Since DN was born my own family is just as bad- limited interest in me but that's not unusual - everything is DN. When do ask questions it's often not a real interest but an opening to talk about DN. It can be surprisingly upsetting.

Plus as children are older wanting to us what they've done which I and usually DH are interested in GP but in like it a competition with their "things" which I've heard before - or when DC start to try and tell GP they pull same tricks with conversations they do with us.

My mother was only interested in pfb getting an award when it made the papers - I've seen DH face drop in phone call from MIL when we'd just finished an important event as a family and his mother rang he though it was to see how it went - no she'd only rung to talk about their weekly walk which she proceeded too even after DH tried to tell her about the event.

I think it the near constant one sided nature of the "conversions" that so upsetting. This is probably very long - but therapeutic - YANBU.

[JaceLancs]

I am a fairly sociable person and have quite a lot of friends and friendly acquaintances - apparently I'm known as good company, a true friend, good conversationalist and great listener (not a stealth boast)
This is partly because of the job I do, but mainly because I ask the right questions and allow people to talk about themselves!
My true friends are the ones where it feels more equal and one person does not hog the whole conversation, the exception to that is if one party is having a hard time and needs to offload and that tends to dominate, but even then most of my friendship group are self aware enough to note that and apologise or try and turn it round
The only time I get really irritated is when it's a family member DM is pretty bad for this and SIL can be sometimes, I come away from a visit feeling like they don't care about me or my life at all
DM always asks how DC and I am, but as soon as you start to answer she glazes over and changes the subject back to her or her friends - some who I don't even know - but they are obviously far more scintillating

[nosyupnorth]

surely either they're talking about themselves or you're talking about you, so if you're complaining about them talking about themselves it's because you want to talk about yourself - so a little hypocritical to judge them for it.

If you ask them about their life of course they're going to tell you about their life. If you have something add just say it, don't expect other people to be like "And yourself?" after every single thing they say.

[myownprivateidaho]

Personally I'm pretty shy so am always grateful when someone is happy to talk about themselves with me just interjecting the odd question to keep them going. I am much better at giving views on their situation than talking about myself. But although I can get by, I think that this makes me a poor conversationalist and that ultimately the best conversationalists are those who are able to talk about themselves and tell anecdotes a bit, while also making sure the other person is able to talk too.

[ProfessorPreciseaBug]

I joined MN to try and help people with mental health issues on the mental health pages. Having been through the mincer and come out the other end, I try and explain my experience to give other people a bit of perespective.

So yes I do talk about myself. But I hope it is forgiven.

OTOH, in here I like to throw spanners in the gearbox..

[Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming]

Oooops! That was rather a lot about me :-o!

[Ptarmigandancinginthegloaming]

To be fair, it's not just mums in my experience, at work there are people I've known for years - I'll ask about their weekend/holiday, and they tell me all about it (and it's nice to know the person, not just their work), and they never ask me anything. I've even tried volunteering info (after they've told me their news), and I just get a polite 'uhuh'. For some, I know their life history, what siblings, where siblings are now, details of health issues (and specific symptoms they cause), house renovation status, future plans....while I reckon they know I have at least one child, and am sometimes away on holiday!
It doesn't bother me too much (I'm pretty nosey!), and there are lots of people who DO ask questions and have a proper conversation); the only thing that bugs me is when people say I'm rather quiet and private - no i'm not, i just can't deliver a monologue on my stuff when u clearly aren't the least bit interested!

[Mamatallica]

I disagree, I much prefer people rambling on about their own lives to what I mostly get which is endless questions, a lot of them very personal and awkward.

[PunkrockerGirl]

I agree. I've got a colleague who's completely self absorbed. We have to hear about every intricate detail of her life, yet I doubt she even knows the names of any of our partners or dc. We've all worked together for nearly 6 years now and if the conversation isn't about her, she's just not interested.

[NeonPinkNails]

I agree, I've had a few conversations lately that are more like a competition with everyone trying to talk over each other :(.

[LilaTheLion]

For those of you saying 'speak up', those of us brought up with manners just can't! We are used to conversations that go:

Ask a question
Person asked answers
Person asked then asks own question (and doesn't talk all over reply)
Original questioner/conversation starter get to talk

And it should continue bouncing back and forth like that so both parties get to have a pleasant time. Much as you lot enjoy talking about yourselves, literally no one enjoys hearing it to the exclusion of anything they might have to contribute. Manners are GREAT.

[perrita]

YANBU! I hate it. My SIL is TERRIBLE for this and I think it's so rude

[Superstar90]

YANBU but speak up! Volunteer some information about yourself and lead the conversation rather than just passively listening and waiting to be asked a question.

[e1y1]

YANBU.

However, I have always thought it was like this. People are 100x more interested in themselves than others.

It's just that it is rude and not socially acceptable to talk about yourself all the time.

[eggyface]

Ha that was meant to be strikethrough but just made me look even more self obsessed! Do tell me if that's ever happened to you.

[eggyface]

As someone who likes to share and is self obsessed it's terrifically helpful if someone I am talking to actually VOLUNTEERS some information about themselves rather than expecting me to do all the legwork asking them about it. How'm I supposed to know what bit of their lives is most interesting to them or what they are burning to talk about?
Just firmly say "yes, I had an experience much like that the other day" and start telling about your own stuff! Bonus points if it's funny or novel. 😉

[oldlaundbooth]

My brother does this.

On and on about his stuff, work, illness, kids etc. Then he'll finally say how are you? I get about a minute then he says 'Well, I'll leave you to it' and puts the phone down!

[LilaTheLion]

Yes. I have come home from evenings out that I had looked forward knowing so much about everyone else's life and realised not a single person asked about me. It's a bit of an 'oh' moment, especially if you do have things you want to share. Having said that I'm incredibly polite and like to put people at ease by asking about them so it's probably all my own fault. Boring though.