AIBU to want to live near my family..

[MoonStar07]

We live in a great area. Brilliant schools and our house is fantastic. I'm a SAHM. I have two small DC one is now school age. But my DH works long hours often comes home and is back on his laptop. I have an OK social life usual baby groups and trips to cinema. When growing up my fondest memories were times spent as a child with my cousins and extended family. I specifically rememebr saying this at my NCT group and the group leader indicating the reason she had asked us for our fondest memories was because we should look to recreate similar memories for our babies. I really took that to heart maybe because we live 2.5 hours from
My family. My husband's family namely my inlaws live 10 mins away. My FIL isn't very paternal and my MIL has a long of personal responsibility her own daughters kids and an ageing mother. With the best will in the world she can't offer what I'm seeking is family/parents to drop by and see and to have some support with the kids. The thing is people would think we are being ridiculous leaving such great schools an amazing house just cos I want to be near my family. But although we don't openly discuss it my DH knows it's what I want but it seems like I'm being unreasonable cos on the outisde all is supposedly perfect. He works long hours. I just miss my family. AIBU ? Am I being silly. I feel like i would be throwing 'it' all away but what I want isn't here I want my family

[Topseyt]

I understand too. I do.

We live about 3 hours from my parents. Although I do love where we live and it has generally worked for us I really do regret the distance from my own parents. It has meant that I have often not been able to visit them anywhere near as regularly as I would have liked and they are in their eighties now.

All any of us can do is try to do the best by our own families, but sometimes there is just no middle ground and it really is soooo hard.

[MoonStar07]

I needed to go to doctors today. Turns out I'm low on. Few things in my bloods. I've got supplements vit D. Iron etc prescribed initial high dose on vit D hubby came home for 545pm. That hour made such a
Difference. I need that support really. I'm very tired. I've also contacted some mental health services to get some counselling. I'm on a waiting list.

[BackforGood]

You seem not to have considered though, that having extended family some distance away isn't some kind of 'poorer' existance, its just different from what you grew up with.
I grew up seeing my grandparents /cousins about 3 times a year. However when we saw them, they either stayed with us, or us with them, for a few days at a time. That can be a great joy, that you just don't get with local family. It's different but no a bad thing.

I also agree with others that you can create that 'seeing regularly' / 'popping in' culture with friends just as much as you can with family.

It does sound as if you are lonely though - understandably with the hours your dh is working. You (both) need to decide if you can resolve that with some really strong friendships, or if there is a way of your dh working fewer hours /prioritising regular time with you, because its no way to live long term.

[MoonStar07]

2.5 hours is with two small children. Car journeys are not great!! Also it's about building a life for my kids to have grandparents in their lives.

[TheWormThatTurned]

I'm overseas, 3,000 miles away from any family (mine and DH) and am in the process of relocating so we can be closer to family.
Sure, if we stayed here, we could continue to live in a lovely big house, in a nice area etc. a lot of people think we are nuts to give that up. But I just cannot shake the feeling that I need to be close to family and a big house will never make up for that. I want my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents, cousins etc.
So no, I do not think you are BU and in fact I totally empathize. Good luck with your decision!

[LoveMyRs]

To be honest 2 and a half hour is not much i would go every other weekend and spend the night or at least once a month.
Then they will be used to u there on certain dates so the make sure its special

[MoonStar07]

Life has moved on but a number of my mum's cousins are around and they all get together. Each weekend I am whatsapped pics of the get together a my siblings their better halves... Drinks meals! They do it so I can see them all. I find it painful. We FaceTime so I can get 'in' on the action. Friends are great. But not family

[SwearySwearyQuiteContrary]

Don't assume that moving back to be near your own family would suddenly result in you having the idealised relationships you're describing. I think there are fewer of those very close extended family set-ups nowadays because life has moved on tremendously. Don't forget, although it might feel like going home to you, it will be leaving home (and a great one by the sounds of it) for your DC.

[ringoffire]

I can sympathise with you OP, I am in a similar situation.
I have lived in South London for the past 20 years as I met my wife not long after moving here and she is from the area. We have 2 children aged 11 & 9
We live a few doors away from her dad and we have a good relationship with him. All sound good so far?
My family are 200 miles away, the only family we have up here is FIL and BIL& wife. We have a reasonable relationship with BIL but don’t see them that often, they are planning to move away in the next year.
FIL is on holiday for around 8 months of the year, so we don’t see much of him and when we do he is often busy. We asked him to have the kids for a weekend so we could get away and he has refused.
I would like to move closer to my own family, we would have a lot more support and a far better standard of living. Logically moving makes complete sense: More support, no mortgage, bigger house & money in the bank. Unfortunately I cannot see it ever happening as my wife is emotionally attached to where we currently live.

[MsMarple]

It does sound as if you would be happier living nearer your family, and I can totally understand that - I'd be miserable if mine weren't near enough for easy visits.

As far as trying to recreate your happiest childhood memories goes though, maybe they are having their own happy times with their friends and current situation? I was thinking about this myself recently as I can't give my boys the exact things I loved from my own childhood because we don't have the massive tree-filled garden/quiet road to play out on etc etc but they have different experiences that I didn't e.g. visiting the playground after school every day with friends. When they grow up they won't think about theoretical happy times that they didn't experience, but will (hopefully!) look back fondly on the fun that they did have. A random analogy that occurred to me was I saved loads of my own childhood favourite books, which my children do sometimes look at or read, but their own real favourites that they love and return to again and again are totally different ones that they chose themselves. They might really love all sorts of things about your current set up (having you at home all day, particular friends or places nearby etc) that would change if you moved.

Anyway, I suppose what I am saying is that you need to think clearly about this based on your current circumstances and your own DC/DH rather than the rosy glow of childhood memories. Good luck!

[MissMargie]

Check that the cousins your DM DF have as 'siblings' are happy to have their space invaded by small DCs and DD.
Perhaps their DCs are older and they DGPs might be busy with their own lives.
You could be disappointed to move then find that everyone is busy with their own lives and have little time for you.
This is probably not the case but you need to ensure what you are imagining will actually be the case. Also your DCs are not small for long. Once teenagers your life will prob involve ferrying them here and there, not long chats with DGM.

[wayway13]

We're 5 hours away from both sides of our family so I understand. We're settled where we are with DH's work and our friends but we miss family. The way we get around it is to plan holidays around seeing family. We go away with DH's side for a week every summer so DD gets time playing with her cousins and seeing PIL. PIL also visit for a week each spring and again over New Year (both retired). I take DD away with my DPs for a week in the summer too plus they visit frequently (DM still works so uses holiday allowance for this). It takes a lot of effort on both sides. My DC won't grow up seeing family every week and I have little support day to day but they will grow up with good memories with their family.

[LoveMyRs]

I sooo feel your pain
My family lives in another country. I had to move when i got married.
I thought it will be fun visiting in the summer and them visiting every now and then.
What I didn't think of was the financials and that anyone who would like to visit will need a visa so not really up to me to say if they can come or not.
I was depressed after i had my 1st baby for 2 years i had lots of friends but it was not the same.
Now i love it here i still miss my family like hell and wish i can see them more but after i put the advantages vrs consequences of moving back home ii was convinced that its better to stay here for all of us.
We can't have everything we want unfortunately.

[biggles50]

I know how you feel. We live so far away from family that I used to feel sick, it gets better. Nobody knows what it's like to ache for siblings/parents/cousins/aunts and uncles if they're not close to them. Even if you're busy and have a job there's nothing quite like just "popping in". Would it be possible to visit your family more? If not it sounds like you're going to have problems settling unless you move. Home is where the heart is.

[5moreminutes]

I agree that you have rose tinted glasses - my mother wanted me to have that kind of relationship with cousins and tried to manufacture it artificially even though we had nothing in common and it didn't work - don't like or dislike them, they are just people I have nothing in common with. She tries to force my sister's DD and mine to be bffs but my sister's DD is actually quite unpleasant to my DD I'm not playing along. Cousins are not automatically the key to childhood happiness!

My sister also moved down the road from my mum due to promises of extensive child care and my mum changed her mind a couple of weeks in when she realised that looking after a 4 yo all summer seriously curtailed her new retired lady who lunches social life! She does do a lot of childcare and pet sitting and my dad does a lot of taxi driver duty for sister's DD now she is older, but initially she was sold a lemon when persuaded to make a significant house move on the promise of child care to allow her to go back to work - she gave up her new job very quickly.

Where you are sounds great, work building up on a friend based mutual support group.

[redskytonight]

Does it have to be "family" that do the popping in and being around? Because you can build that sort of lifestyle, but using friends rather than actual family.

[RiverTam]

Well, if your DH doesn't fancy it then he needs to involve himself more in family life. Does he have to work those hours, and and home too, or is he choosing too? I'm afraid I do sometimes feel rather sceptical of these men so devoted to their work at the expense of their family.

[Bluebolt]

You do need to address is fond memories of the past just that or something deeper. My DCs never missed family contact until they got to an age that they realised that there was something to miss. You do seem to have given up so much in the past.

[MoonStar07]

DH once said to me that he rarely sees his family and if we move away we would never see them. I argued that his sister who lives further away than us actually sees them
More beacaus they go visit her and her kids and then they come stay in the holidays. Yes I am very lonely: but I'm out of the house 1-2 times a day. Part of many groups. I have friends. Just not family. And no you can just drop in family. His family are very formal people. I am still treated like a guest in their home

[TheBouquets]

It is such a big step but you have already done a few big steps as far as I can see. You left your home in A to go to university in B then in your "under cover" time you lived in C and then you moved to D which is your In Laws' area which is where you are currently and 200 miles from your parents.
It does sound as if you are lonely with DP being out for 12 hours per day and it also sounds like your family are the drop in anytime types whereas your In Law family are more make an appointment types. I had In Laws who were the make an appointment types where as my family were the drop in anytime types. Luckily I lived near my folks.
I think you need to be happy and not so isolated from your own family. If you only see the In Laws once a month while they live nearby that is not really family feeling to me. You could move and visit the In Laws every 6 weeks or something. The main thing is that there has to be happiness in life and you don't sound too happy.
Good luck.

[MoonStar07]

Thank you. It seems such a huge step. It may mean him moving jobs. But he could potentially get more money. We would leave behind friends. Just such a big step

[ElspethFlashman]

He has a great easy short commute but he still spends 12.5 hrs a day out of the house and then gets home and hops on the laptop?

Yeah.....it's fairly obvious why you're so lonely, tbh.

[JacquelineChan]

Hi , I was in the same position as you, and we moved near to my friends and family and i must say I am 100% happier.

Like you , on paper , it was the perfect location for us. But I was so unhappy ( PND , loneliness , DP working long hours etc)

Everyone is different and no one can tell you how to feel . My DP could see how unhappy I was and luckily the move to a ''less desirable'' area meant we could have more space to create an office for DP so he can work from home . I'm at work now myself and life is so great.

A lot of posters are seeming to take the side of DP but let's not forget you are doing a more important and demanding job yourself by bringing up your kids and your feelings matter just as much.

I did not expect my DP to move away from his friends and family but he did as he is amazing and wanted me to be happy.

[MoonStar07]

On a side note his family are brilliant they are just so so so busy!!! Maybe I need to shout a bit louder but I guess what I want is to be able to drop in on family more often and have that for my children

[MoonStar07]

Yes his family is nearby. We see them probably once a month at the most. His family have their own priorities. We are not high on the list. We would probably see them less if I didn't organise Sunday lunch etc or a coffee here or there. My husband is in the office 730-7pm everyday. Basically he doesn't really see his own family and I don't see mine