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AIBU?

to think you shouldn't tell your other friends if you have a 'best friend''?

79 replies

milliemoon · 24/09/2016 10:05

To me this translates a bit like... "I like you. You're my friend. But there is someone I like, enjoy the company of and value the friendship of a whole lot more than you."

Yes I realise this makes me sound like I'm still in school, I'm not, but I do find as an adult when my friends tell me about their best friends, I feel a little sad that I don't quite match up. I'd never say anything obviously.

OP posts:

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DogsMum · 25/09/2016 20:10

OP I agree with you, yanbu. I love all of my friends in different ways for the people they are. I also feel closer at some points to one person than the others, but would never rank (or mention ranking) them.

One of the people I am closest to (at least, whom I certainly feel very close to) recently posted a FB status of herself on a night out with some of her other friends and had written something along the lines of "my best friends". It hurt, a lot. I know she is obviously entitled to have other friends and that's not my issue, but it made me think for a second, "what am I then? Sloppy seconds?"

PlayAtMidnight2 · 25/09/2016 18:58

I have three friends, A, B, and C. Have known A and B for years, met C through A. B calls A her 'Bestie' (cringe), A and C call each other 'Bestie'. I am confused, and irritated at the use of 'Bestie'.

Costacoffeeplease · 24/09/2016 17:40

When he was presenting strictly, Brucie used to tell virtually every contestant, especially the crap ones, they were his favourite. I just imagined a small child saying similar - it made me laugh anyway

MyNewBearTotoro · 24/09/2016 17:30

I wouldn't use the term 'best friend' as I have several amazing friends I'm equally close to but but I don't see a problem with using it if you genuinely have a best friend. Yes, it does sort of emphasise to others that if one is number one then they're 'second best' or whatever, but then they must also feel they come second best compared to partners/ children/ family etc.

Why would you presume to be number one in a friend's life to begin with or want to pretend you were?

WittyPutDown · 24/09/2016 17:13

Gwenhwyfa

Blimey, You are taking this thread extremely seriously

When I suggested to my kids when they were little that they use a throwaway silly comment to deflect any talk about 'best' friends I don't think I cared about whether it was 'technically' a lie or a possibility. It was just a way of moving the conversation on away from getting into tricky 'are you my best friend' conversations. That's all. I don't think it merits any analysis.

As for CostaCoffee ridiculous comment. I'm don't think a little kid saying that all her friends are her best friends is 'patronising'. It might be twee but nothing more. I don't get the Bruce Forsyth comment. I presume it's meant to be rude and patronising

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 24/09/2016 17:11

So op you don't mind people having best friends but they are not allowed to tell you as it make you feel inferior?

It doesn't bother me, it just discribes some one as their oldest closest friend.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 24/09/2016 17:06

Good lord, I had no idea it was insensitive of me to refer to my best friend when talking to other friends! Simply had never crossed my mind. I assume most people have a closest friend and I don't assume I am anyone other than aforementioned best mate's closest friend. And I don't have any sort of issue with that ... so why would other people? Mind boggled.

SabineUndine · 24/09/2016 17:00

I think it's manipulative. I had a friend of 15 years' standing go through all her closest friends and rank them. I did sort of wonder where I was going to come but she didn't mention me at all and I think that was the point. I stopped seeing her not long after this, because I found her constant showing off depressing.

JustDanceAddict · 24/09/2016 16:55

I have two best friends - both I've known since my teens - one is more like me and I'm close to her family too (she's single so our lives are quite different - she has single/child-free friends she socialises with more as we tend to go to each other's ' places or out for a meal). The other has a more similar life to me and our kids (and husbands!) are good friends too, but our attitudes to life are a bit different I suppose. They are friends with each other through me and we sometimes go out all together, but they wouldn't see each other on their own. i have loads of other friends too, but they know who my best friends are and have no problem with it. I don't Lord it about saying 'my best friend', I would refer to them by name to others who knew them too. I think it's normal to have a couple of 'best' friends, then a few more close ones, then just normal friends who you maybe see just in a group situation.

mixety · 24/09/2016 15:14

I think it all depends on context.

I refer to my "best friend" when talking about him to people who don't know him. As in "I went away for the weekend with my best friend" or "I just found out my best friend is getting married".

If you are all a group of friends together and one of you is just unnecessarily saying "Kate's such a good friend, she really is my best friend" type stuff, then I agree it is a bit unnecessary and could be hurtful.

GenerationX2 · 24/09/2016 14:45

OMG - I know what you mean - I have someone I work with who I thought was a good friend I knew her before I worked there and she actually recommended me for the job.

Anyway - she came in my office excited to tell me about that her sister was pregnant then said I needed to tell someone as I can't tell any of my Friends in case Sister hears I've been blabbing.

It felt like a slap in the face - I never let on it hurt and kept smiling and saying how exciting - not felt the same about her since now I know my place

MitzyLeFrouf · 24/09/2016 14:43

I have a best friend although I don't think I refer to her as such to other people!

We've known each other for decades, were flatmates for years, and have been there for each other through all sorts of fun times and dismal times.

I think people who don't like or don't get the idea of a best friend are those who've been coupled up forever and don't place as much importance on friendships.

witsender · 24/09/2016 14:34

I have a best friend. It's a quiet friendship, we both just know we are like each others family. We might not see each other for weeks though, and certainly don't go around talking about it...we just are.

Gwenhwyfar · 24/09/2016 14:12

"I have quite a few friends,some don't know each other,some i rarely see,but they are all close friends. "

Yes, but if someone is a good friend they will at least know of your best friend by name. If you've spent time talking to each other it's very obvious. If you are suddenly shocked that your friend view someone else as a best friend, then you were not good friends at all to begin with.

oblada · 24/09/2016 14:09

Completely agree with you OP! i find it childish. i dont tend to feel hurt by it but it can somehow remind me of what i may have lost by emigrating when i was in my early 20s... i have a few very good friends and some old friends from school but due to distance etc we have lost touch a bit, naturally...in any event whilst i can see why for some it would be obvious who their 'best friend' is, it doesnt necessarily need to be stated to other friends really... my best friend is my DH and i dont expect that to change :)

Aeroflotgirl · 24/09/2016 14:06

Oh gosh the term BBF and Bestie really set my teeth on edge. Its ok to have friends you are close to than others, others have probably supported op or been there, when the other friends have not, but you do not have announce it to the world. Just keep it to yourself.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/09/2016 14:00

I use close or oldest friends. Best friend was left at school when I left school at 18. I don't use it at all, in public, just inside I know who my close or old friends are, who are not.

nennyrainbow · 24/09/2016 13:46

Agree, OP. Why do some people feel the need to rank their friends in order of preference? As well as making them sound about 8 years old. I might refer to a friend as a close friend or an old friend if we've known each other for a long time, but never the superlative 'best' friend.

RebelRogue · 24/09/2016 13:38

I have quite a few friends,some don't know each other,some i rarely see,but they are all close friends. In one of the groups,we all have a best friend(none of the best friends are in the group) and we are comfortable and confident enough to be able to express that those best friends do exist. We are very close,we do anything for each other ,and if one of us is in a pickle whoever can support them best will do so. But we still have our best friends. I guess we're all either very immature,or very grownup. Your pick

Gwenhwyfar · 24/09/2016 13:17

"I do think it's strange when a friend says to me something about their "best friend" as it does have the implication that I am a lesser friend but I don't stress about it!"

Surely most people refer to their best friends by name. If you're friends you know the names of your friend's other close friends even if they live far away so someone would say 'I was on the phone to Jane' and not 'I was on the phone to my best friend'.

Gwenhwyfar · 24/09/2016 13:15

". Seriously? What a weird response. I was teaching my kids to be tactful and avoid hurting their friends feelings."

Why is it a weird response? You're teaching them to say something that's not true or even possible (only one can be 'best'). If you really think people can't cope with knowing someone else is their friend's best friend - something that is usually obvious anyway, why not say 'I don't have a best friend. I like all my friends the same'.

Costacoffeeplease · 24/09/2016 13:06

Actually I think telling all your friends they're your 'best' friend is weird - and patronising.

Are you Bruce Forsyth's mum?

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WittyPutDown · 24/09/2016 12:57

Gwenhwyfar
"I slightly nauseatingly taught my DC to say that all their friends were their best friend if they were asked."

So you're teaching them to lie

. Seriously? What a weird response. I was teaching my kids to be tactful and avoid hurting their friends feelings.

Mozfan1 · 24/09/2016 12:19

I have a best friend as she's the only real friend I have in the world

imnotreally · 24/09/2016 12:11

I have two best friends. One I rant and cry to about mothers, men, and we go shopping together. She does the same with me and asks for the odd parenting advice.

The other has children the same age as mine with similar problems (autism etc) and we share similar likes and dislikes. In fact although she's a bit older than me we often refer to ourselves as twins, we are so alike.

Whether I am their best friend I have no idea. And don't care tbh. If I ever need someone either of them will be there for me.

And I don't see them all that often either.

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