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AIBU?

It's all too much

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UnabletoCopewithEverything · 17/09/2016 18:42

Posting here as I know i'll be given the slating I need.

I posted a few days ago under a different NN on Chat about my DH being in hospital and needing an operation (my selfish mum wouldn't look after my DD).

Well unfortunately the temporary operation hasn't worked and he's been back in hospital twice this week. Hospital won't budge on letting DD (15m) into the ward so she's been with PILs/Nursery Workers/My DB alot.

Poor DD only started Nursery a few months ago, so it's still pretty unsettling for her. And it's all come to ahead today when I picked her up from nursery.

Nursery Info: They have 4 rooms; Babies which is 12wks-Crawlers/12months, Teenies which is Crawlers/12months to those walking outside/22 months, Toddler which is Outside Walkers/22months to 3 years, and Preschool which is 3-4 and a half year olds.

DD is currently in Teenies, she can crawl when she wants to and does a lot at home but won't at Nursery. She sits and cries until staff pick her up, if they ignore her she'll throw toys, kick or bite other children. When she's held by staff she won't play with toys, she just plays with their hair/jewelry/t-shirts. She just physically won't settle properly on the floor. She also refuses to nap or eat or take her milk. She will drink water.

At home she won't sleep at night unless it's on the living room floor which I don't like letting her do regularly as she sleeps curled up on her knees and looks uncomfortable, plus I'd have to supervise all night and I need sleep. So she's shouting and screaming in her cot until she finally exhausts herself sometime between 3 and 5am.

So with my permission Nursery trialled her in Baby Room to see if she was happier with the slightly younger children (she's tiny, still in 6-9m trousers/9-12m tops/dresses and compared to my friends children who're similar age she's still a lot more a baby than a toddler in looks). She's been going there for her last two weeks at Nursery (she goes 3 days a week), she still won't crawl in the Baby room but she is happy to play with a book and stops demanding staffs attention. She still wouldn't nap or eat but started to take her milk over the last few days.

She still wouldn't sleep at home so I was still exhausted but coping.

That was until today. I'm hoping it's because of the situation with DH, because she's been unsettled as MIL dropped her off at 8am while I went to work. I got a phonecall at midday asking me to pick her up. She'd bitten a member of staff while they were feeding her her lunch, apparently she was crying and thrashing about in the highchair and when the staff member went to give her some food she bit the workers finger hard enough to scratch and draw blood. Nursery have been aware of the situation with my DH so I was upset when they told me they're considering whether to ask me to find alternative childcare for her.

I have to work. DH is off atm, and is only getting SSP, my work is covering Rent/Bills/Other Expenses and CC Vouchers where covering Nursery. DH cannot look after DD until after his big operation. What the hell can I do? I looked at Childminders and there's a 6 month waiting list for them, and the only other Nursery in town that's within a 20minute drive of my work is only open term time 9-3pm and I work 8.30-6pm.

On top of that, the cat who's shy and doesn't like new people who've been feeding her has got stressed with the situation and stopped eating. So she's been to the vet which has cost nearly £70 to be told she's fine. We've bought some air diffusers but she's still stressed I know; scratching furniture (she never does this), meowing loudly at random times, and biting me/DH when we fuss her.

And we've just been told that DH's operation can't be done at either of the "local" hospitals (I say local, they're 20 and 30 miles away respectively) so he'll need to go to the big specialist hospital 80 miles away. He has to have someone with him so that means time off work for me/MIL/FIL as he'll be there for 6-8 weeks as he'll need physio and recovery time afterwards and non of us have enough holiday time left to do the whole lot. And DD may not be able to visit him until week 3 or 4 as until that point he'll be on a mens only surgical recovery ward, and the rules are visitors must be over 18, apparently no exceptions have ever been made.

It's just too much. I can't quit work and neither can DH, if nursery ask me to take DD out what the hell am I gonna do?

I just want to walk away, not forever, but just until I can cope again.

Please give me the beating I deserve. DH is terrified, as the Op could mean he'll be infertile. I need to be the strong one for DH and DD, but I don't think I can be.

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toptoe · 20/09/2016 14:48

ps you don't need slating or beating - you need more support and advice. Bottom line is this is going to be a hard time for you all, but there are some ways you can make it better and you seem to have some ideas on how to do that. Lovely idea with the comfort rabbit and blanket. basically your dd is looking for stability, routine and constants. A change in nursery would not help that so you can argue that if the nursery insist on it.

Also, regarding the rent, do you have to disclose to your landlord if your circs change? How will he know that you are on housing benefit rather than a wage? It goes straight into your account. But be careful if you go down this route - they can be very slow at it beginning and you may need a couple of months cover. After that thought they are regular, though it won't be as much as your rent and you'll need to top it up. There may be some sort of grant you could get from a charity to help?