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AIBU?

AIBU to want some help with 14month old and new baby

35 replies

carlight · 02/09/2016 06:05

This week my DH has gone back to work for the first time since DD2 was born (4 weeks ago). While he was off I did all the night feeds and most of the day time, got both children to sleep etc. But he was there to look after one while I attended to the other (most of the time) and get some bottles etc. Now he has gone back to work he has agreed to do 8 consecutive days (he is gone for 13 hours each day). Now on what is due to be his first day off he has agreed to go and do some jobs for his mother. AIBU to be annoyed about this as I was looking forward to having a bit of help for the day and now won't have any for another 5 days after that. He does not see that this is a problem and I now feel like a bad mum for wanting the help with them?

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DeadGood · 03/09/2016 19:05

"It's not meant to have go, but add some realistic honest perspective. I have known people constantly waiting for miracle day that it all becomes easy."

Are you sure? Does that really happen? I don't think so. I think reassurance is what drowning people need, not "it could be worse".

Personally, I agree that all age gaps have their challenges, but the hardest part is the beginning. Babies need so, so much attention and it's physical. But apart from that, it's also dealing with a new reality. Yes it may get harder again in future but at least you know what you are doing a little more.

PoshPenny · 02/09/2016 23:24

YADNBU. There's 13 months between my two and 20 years on, I can still remember how gruelling that first year was. I was also self employed and main breadwinner which made it tougher than ever especially post EMCS. I managed 2 weeks off. Salvation for me came in the form of a student nanny one week on and one week off placement. I found her via an advert at the baby clinic. Put your foot down now with your husband and if that means you all "help" him at his mothers, so be it. Don't let him escape the harsh realities of life with 2 under 2.

smellyboot · 02/09/2016 23:12

I stand by the fact that OP and her OH need to discuss her getting a break / support with 2 young kids on a longer term basis as it's going to be very tiring for quite some time yet. GP & OH bashing is not the answer

smellyboot · 02/09/2016 23:03

It's not meant to have go, but add some realistic honest perspective. I have known people constantly waiting for miracle day that it all becomes easy.
every age gap has its challenges. Parenthood is tough.
I also know lots of people with elderly parents as well as very young children and that's very hard. There seemed to be a huge assumption that GPs should help or don't need help from their sons.
In my world friends are often juggling the needs of both and have GP who need help and can't or help out at all.
OP needs to discuss her feelings with her OH and others around her to gain support.

DeadGood · 02/09/2016 20:22

"Life is rough with two DC with a small age gap but this is not the hardest stage by a country mile."

That's the kind of comment that is not only unhelpful, but also liable to make a stressed out parent feel 100x worse.

NerrSnerr · 02/09/2016 11:32

It shouldn't be a bit of help, he should be there to look after his children on his days off with two so young. I agree that he should take the eldest with him. He also should have done more during his paternity leave!!

RunningLulu · 02/09/2016 09:18

I would add you could ask him to take both kids to his mums. My sil has kids with the same age gap as yours & started doing that once a week when youngest was 2 months. That was the one day a week younger son could have formula. Need to safeguard your mental health!

Inshock73 · 02/09/2016 09:08

Bagina I know! He had 2 easy enjoyable weeks and found it harder than he thought it was going to be. Interestingly what he found the hardest was our DD gets up around 5/6am and doesn't nap at all during the day so he didn't have any me time :) he didn't realise how hard it is to do simple things like take a shower or sometimes leave the room without her crying. I think all dads should have 'days on their own' with their babies so they get a reality check.

Bagina · 02/09/2016 08:33

inshock 2 whole weeks!!!! We had to have another "chat" that looking after the dc also meant doing basic household chores.

smellyboot · 02/09/2016 08:14

He probably thinks you are fine and he's had a whole 4 weeks off - did he help his mother at all then? Maybe his mother really needs help with some thing and has waited for a month. A lot of people are juggling older parents who may live alone and need support too and their own families.
It's a huge dilemma for those involved and at the end the day he will want to help his mum.

Life is rough with two DC with a small age gap but this is not the hardest stage by a country mile. I have been there and mine are now school age and a handful. Currently the 4 week old is not mobile and will nap. When they are 18mths and 22 mths and both running around in different directions you will still need help.

Sounds like you are exhausted and a bit over whelmed. Do you have any friends who could also help,you out a bit?
Your DH may well feel that he needs to help his mum out too and is torn.

Zombieswillreign · 02/09/2016 08:08

Husband and his mother are being vv unreasonable....is she jealous of you being his wife and mother of his kids??? .she should know dam well husband is needed at home....she is the problem,she should be coming over to help you both.not the other way round.

Inshock73 · 02/09/2016 08:07

Agree with Bagina I started back in full time work when my DD was 11 months old, OH left home at 6am so I had to get myself and DD ready before I left for work and get her to grandparents, I would be home first so had to do dinner, bath, bed etc before OH got home around 7.30/8pm. I cracked in the end and told him he needed to do more, it wasn't fair that I was also working full time, paying half the bills etc and doing all the day to day running of the house and childcare. He left his job (he's self employed) and said he would be a SAHP for a few months to give me a chance to settle back in to work......he lasted 2 weeks!!! After 2 weeks he said he couldn't cope being home all day looking after a very lively 12 month old! Irony is during his 2 weeks off all they did was go to the park for walks, look round the shops, they were never at home! He didn't do any housework, food shopping etc.... I think a lot of men 'choose' not to see how hard it is.

OutragedofLondon · 02/09/2016 08:06

Tell him to take the older child with him - his mum can look after that DC while you focus on baby.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 02/09/2016 07:57

YANBU

Unless the jobs for his Mum are of a critical nature, can't possibly be but off and there is no one else who can do them, then helping you with the DC should absolutely be his priority!

ayeokthen · 02/09/2016 07:55

OP YANBU at all. I had an 11 month gap, and a 7 year old, DP works 13-16 hour shifts and often worked away and it was knackering! His days off are sacred, if family/friends need help he will do it but will take some of the kids to spend time with them and to give me a break to do what I need to do. Why is his mum not offering to help?

Bagina · 02/09/2016 07:54

I've found the easiest way to solve this situation long term is to have a morning out, for example. Probably not much longer with such a young baby, but enough for him to sample your reality. My dh was on the phone telling me he doesn't know how I do it etc etc. He's been very considerate of me since. On the other hand, friend's dh tells her it's easy and she must be doing something wrong .

Catsize · 02/09/2016 07:53

Depends on what he is doing for him mum and why, whether she has alternatives etc. Can you all go over there? Is she very ill or something?

Xmasbaby11 · 02/09/2016 07:52

Yanbu. I had a 2 year age gap and could not have coped in your situation. Helping out family is a lovely idea but with his working hours and young family, he's not in a position to offer.

Taking older dc to his mum's is a good idea if your dd is relatively easy. When my dd was that age it was quite hard to get anything done as she never sat still.

I hope you get the support you need - you must talk to dp.

newmumwithquestions · 02/09/2016 07:51

I have a 15 mths gap between mine. Totally agree that he should take toddler with him. Mil gets toddler time and her jobs done, he gets to help his mum, you get new baby snuggles. Everyone's a winner.
If this isn't possible (eg we struggle to transport toddler outside nap time as if she's not asleep she's sick) then IMO he shouldn't go.

TheSparrowhawk · 02/09/2016 07:49

How many mothers with 4 week old babies have to be asked to look after them I wonder?

FRETGNIKCUF · 02/09/2016 07:45

Insists? Kindly ask?

This is your husband not your boss.

Perhaps I run my home differently. But if my husband was this thoughtless he would be told not asked.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 02/09/2016 07:45

YANBU.

I agree with pp - if he feels that he really has to go do some jobs for his mum, he should be taking the older DC along with him.

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FRETGNIKCUF · 02/09/2016 07:44

Ahhhhh the bit about his mother??

Wow. Both are dreadful. It's like she's asked on purpose in a "my son" way and he's just weird for agreeing.

you have to tell him he cannot do it, no question, no.

AmandaK11 · 02/09/2016 07:44

You can kindly ask him to be as quick about it as possible so that he can help you out some on that day too.

FRETGNIKCUF · 02/09/2016 07:42

I didn't have help with the same age gap and a c section BUT I had super easy baby and toddler. Any combination of my other babies and I would have struggled

What about local colleges running care courses? They sometimes need placements.

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