AIBU about DPs sensitivity *trigger death of pet*

[YourNewspaperIsShit]

I have 4 mice one recently contracted a cold like she has done in the past, she's white and seems to pick them up a fair bit. Always pulled back with extra TLC (from me only DP never bothers) anyway she was in her little "mouse hospital" I made getting fluids and food but because I'm ill myself I fell asleep in pain.

When I woke up I asked DP to check on her straight away. She was in the room across the hall, 3yr old DD was in the room next door and he yells "YEAH ITS DEAD".

Cue me being heartbroken and equally fuming because DD didn't need to find out like that and neither did I, surely? He says "well she is dead, so I didn't do anything wrong, you asked if it was ok but it's dead".

These are much loved pets and I think finding out in that manner (when she was doing alright when I last saw her) was cruel AIBU calling him a heartless prick and having no consideration for that fact my DD was listening. How hard to come in the room and say "sorry she's passed away" or something out of earshot

[Toxicity]

OP, that is good that your DH apologised and acknowledged that he could have been more sensitive.

To the person who said animals are replaceable, I am flabbergasted! You could say the same thing about us human beings couldn't you?

[kali110]

I'm glad he did your
I'm really sorry for your loss.
Dh and i were devestated when our littlest pet died. Not much bigger than a rat but dh was gutted that they died.
It's not wrong to care too much.
We have a few strays in our house now that were people's unwanted pets and they've made us so happy.

[Lilacpink40]

You're not caring too much, you're caring as you care. No doubt your DH benefits from this caring.

It's good to be caring.

[YourNewspaperIsShit]

Thought I'd let everyone know that he did apologise of his own accord and said he couldn't empathise but should have been more sensitive and didn't really think it through. Which I appreciate.

And thank you so much for your kind words everyone who sent them, I'm also of the mindset that no animal is replaceable, I have loads of different species from mice to snakes to big dogs and I love each dearly as an individual even if that's hard to understand for some I do invest a lot of love into them and yes I'm probably a tad oversensitive but caring a little too much isn't such a bad trait Condolences to those on here who have also been upset losing a furry one

[kali110]

ever i've had a lot of death in my family in last few years.
When my pet died recently it was still that that i was devestated over.

[everdene]

OP from reading your posts I would think part of your sadness over the mouse is unresolved grief from the other deaths in your family.

[kali110]

rattie yes i hate the fact that animals are treated as replaceable, as if they just don't matter

[kali110]

Yanbu, so sorry op.
People on here saying 'it's only a mouse' no it's a fucking pet.
Op upset, have a bit of sympathy or don't post.
it'smine mouse to you, pet to others.
Your posts are vile.

[RattieOfCatan]

starry exactly! Goodness knows how much I've spent on my mischief over the relatively short time I've owned rats. Emergency ops, scheduled ops, regular respiratory issue treatment for a pair (one of whom is still alive and still needs regular treatment! He's three at Christmas!), repeated vet trips for a special needs rat with epilepsy and fatigue problems that caused bumblefoot, etc. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I took them on and therefore I am responsible for caring for them properly; without treatment the ones with respi issues would have died a nasty death from lack of oxygen needlessly well before their time, one of those two would have died in tremendous pain from a freak eye injury that was 'easily' solved by removing the eye at 3 months, he's now over two and a half and still going strong by some miracle. Anybody heartless enough to leave an animal suffer because they see them as "replaceable" shouldn't fucking own them, IMO. These procedures didn't cost much more that PTS and have led to a great quality of life for the animals.

[WiddlinDiddlin]

Really doesn't matter what anyone ELSE thinks about the death of the small furry animal.

The point is if your partner CLEARLY cares a lot and has gone to some lengths to care for that animal and the animal then dies... you respect THEIR feelings.

So no, YANBU - whether its a mouse or a rat or a dog or a bloody stick insect - YOU cared and he couldn't respect that enough to walk into your room and say 'I'm sorry, he/she/your mouse has died in the night'.

I have had mice that I bred as snake food and because of this no, I wasn't especially attached but there were one or two kept as breeders who had particularly pretty markings and endearing personalities and I did feel sad when they died (of old age i am not a total cunt, breeders got a retirement!).. even if I had fed all her children to my snakes.

I mourned the loss of my oldest dog MORE than I mourned my Mother and people think thats strange but fuck it, for 16 years that dog was closer to me, kinder to me, and there for me... and she bloody well wasnt!

It doesnt matter what species the animal is, is the relationship you had with that animal thats important and if as someones close friend or partner you KNOW the strength of that relationship and you disrespect it by being heartless and thoughtless then yep, you are a cunt.

[Nevaehsmum]

It's a mouse. You are completely overthinking this.

No it's a loved family pet. Have a heart.

[YourNewspaperIsShit]

To me it's kind of like if someone's football team loses and they're devastated... I see it as "wow they didn't kick the sack of air as well as the other team did" but if someone I love cared that much I'd be suitably sensitive to them and at least show some condolences

Even if he just came into the room and said "Sorry, love, she's dead." Better than hollering across the hallway and potentially upsetting the child too. Spot on yeah! If he'd have done that I wouldn't have thought twice and just dealt with it. I was really shocked by how harshly I received the news. Id always be sad about it but I felt really distressed because of how I found out

[CafeCremeMerci]

itsmine
[quoted from my post]. 'Anyone saying 'it's only a mouse' has clearly had an empathy by pass'

No no, plenty of empathy just also plenty of perspective too. Unlike some on this thread. I would never harm a mouse, if a mouse died I'd be suitably kind to the deceaseds owner. I would however encourage them not to be inconsolable, skive off work or any other nonsense

You said if a mouse died I'd be suitably kind to the deceaseds owner.

There is the empathy! So why are you suggesting what I said was so wrong? Showing sympathy/empathy to your partner or friend when something has upset them is the kind & decent thing to do. It's pretty much irrelevant whether the same thing would have upset you or not. It's their feelings that matter, not the 'event'.

[DurhamDurham]

When my pet mouse died I was so inconsolable I had to take the following day off work

I'm sat here trying to imagine ringing my manager to let her know I won't be in because my mouse has died.

Granted it's sad but not taking the day off work sad, you have to keep a sense of perspective or you'd be off every time something sad happened.

[ImNotJoeMyNameIsHarry]

Aww I'm sorry about your mouse. 6 of my gerbils passed away recently and my dad had the same attutude. Some people just don't have a filter with things like this. and I hope you and you dd are OK. They are a part of the family.

[littleshirleybeans]

Sorry to hear about your mouse. I call my ds little wee mousey (in his own little wee housey) and he'd have been distraught!
In fact, I was distraught when we lost ds1's teddy on holiday (I posted about it here, actually)
Your dh was very insensitive.

[StarryIllusion]

Me too rattie. I have never denied any of my rodents vet care, even when it cost me a couple of hundred. I bought them, I am responsible for them and making sure they live a full, happy life. Even to the extent of putting one of them on 6 hours of oxygen and fluids when he was two and caught some kind of flu. He did in fact recover and lived another year and a few months. I don't tend to get upset over fish, probably because you can't bond with a fish, really. But any animal that you can hold and play with and get to know its little personality I would be distressed by it's death. Doesn't matter how big or small. It's alive and deserves some respect. He should have had more tact. Even if he just came into the room and said "Sorry, love, she's dead." Better than hollering across the hallway and potentially upsetting the child too.

[Chattymummyhere]

That's how I tell dh when any of our pets have died "dh dog/fish/hamster/chicken is dead, can you come sort it out"

There pets that have a life span and most of those life spans are way shorter than our own so it's expected.

[RattieOfCatan]

I hate this attitude of small furries being replaceable. This is why so many of them are neglected and not treated when they are ill. I have pet rats and yes, I get that people don't get it but they are my pets, they are not less emotionally investible because they aren't bigger animals FFS. Why is a cat or dog more important than a mouse (who probably has as much personality just in a smaller form!) My rats got DH and I through a horrendous period when we were both depressed, much like many people have with their cats and dogs.

Sorry for your loss OP, I'd be mightily pissed off if somebody told me in that way, YADNBU. It doesn't take much to be sensitive FFS.

[dybil]

YANBU. I was in bits when my rats died and, had my partner discovered them, I'm sure they'd have known me well enough to be more sensitive than yours was.

[QueenJuggler]

I don't get it maybe because I live in the country and see 100s of dead mice a year. Mice to me are not pets.

TBH, I also don't see fish as pets. I certainly never mourned when any of mine died.

Dogs, cats, even guinea pigs I get. Mice, not so much.

I do understand what you say about him knowing you better, and knowing how you would like to be told. Maybe he was just a bit shocked.

[OhShitFuck]

What a dick!

[YourNewspaperIsShit]

TENDT I can accept that, although I would have reacted much better to the scenario you played out. Because I asked if it was ok, if it wasn't I was expecting a "no".

To me "yeah it's dead" (as a shout) isn't really a logical response to what I asked. Or I would have asked "is she dead?"

[Comejointhemurder]

Is he from a different cultural background?.

I'm British and think it's sad when a pet dies but I don't understand the people who talk about their pet dying as the love of their life, soul mate etc which I've heard. I'd never say anything to someone who'd just lost a pet and said that but I really don't get it.

But a friend of mine is from Zimbabwe and he REALLY doesn't understand why people are upset when a pet dies because he wasn't brought up with the attitude that animals are anything other than animals. His friend here in the UK had a dog die and luckily before he could say anything; he saw the very sympathetic reaction of the others in the group who heard the announcement but later on he did say to me 'back home we'd say oh, the dogs dead - put it in the bin outside'!.