to feel this is too much

[Augustbaby22]

So my 'best' friend is lovely she was a great support to me when I was on my own and pregnant with dd I've asked her to be Dd's godmother but recently there's been s few things that she's said that it getting a bit much for me.

1. was after telling her my plan for Dd's 1st birthday - just a bbq at my parents with family she invited herself to come just saying 'I'm booking it off work'
   

1. her telling me she had wanted to get a tattoo of Dd's name
   

1. When I sent a picture of dd she messaged back saying 'Love her like she's my own child'
   

1. Went for a rare night out in my old home town and saw a few people I knew so told them about dd and showed a picture and she kept saying 'she's basically my daughter'
   

1. The final straw, telling me she's planning on doing a memory box for dd for her 18th and has told me I need to give her a candle from her birthday cake
   

I get she's excited but it's getting on top of me a bit and I'm not a very assertive person, I've managed to persuade her it would be best to meet up just the 3 of us for Dd's birthday on a different day and did say nicely that if anyone gets a tattoo of Dd's name it should be me (not that I would not my kind of thing) but this memory box has gotten to me the most, was thinking of sending a texting just saying although it's a lovely idea it's really something I should be doing, or should I just leave it and put it down to her being overexcited and me being over sensitive and hope she doesn't go through with the idea?

[Ellieboolou27]

Well said walpertinger the GODmother role is just that, not to "look after" if you die! Tattoos and memory boxes strike me as very strange! Op I hope you manage to sort this out

[ButEmilylovedhim]

I'm really surprised at all the posts saying the friend's actions are good and fine and normal! I was going to post at the start (but got distracted) and say how creepy it all sounds! It might be all fluffy and lovely but it might not as well. Presumably OP this has all sounded a warning bell clanging in your head. You should listen to that clanging! After all, you know her and how she is otherwise and we don't. If you think it's not coming from a completely benign place, then it probably isn't!

I had a friend and I ignored many warning bells over the years, saying to myself that's how she is, she's operating to slighty different social skills because of her upbringing, she means well, didn't mean to hurt me, it's me being over sensitive, I'm reading into it things that aren't there etc etc. Well, the scales feel from my eyes well and truly when she disagreed with me over some medical treatment for my dc. (Who she hadn't seen for years and years, certainly not a godmother). I wanted him to have it, she didn't. When I didn't rollover and instantly agree to do things her way, she was incredibly nasty.

God knows how she would have been if she had been closely involved with the dc over the years. I haven't seen her again since that day thank goodness. When I look back over the years, so so much manipulation which no doubt would have been explained away as concern and perfectly reasonable behaviour if I had posted on here. I knew her though and I knew the context. You do too OP.

To be honest, what I would do is tell her she's being far too intense and it was freaking me out. Then I would choose a godmother from within your family. Please listen to what your instincts are telling you. We have them for a reason. I ignored mine for far too long. 11 years too long

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

Point 4 was unreasonable.

Not inviting her to the party was unreasonable.

She's being an involved, loving god mother regarding the other points...I think you're likely to ruin a friendship over nothing. This will ease off when she becomes a mum.

[Muskateersmummy]

I think the expecting to come to the party is understandable and the memory box could be a nice thing. Love her like she's my own is just a phrase but I would be pretty unhappy about the tattoo and number 4 on your list. I think you just need to be honest with her. She's your best friend, surely you can talk to your friend honestly about how you are feeling? I'm sure she won't have meant to over step the mark

[Wolpertinger]

Godmother role isn't about bringing up child if you die - it's about bringing up the child in the Christian faith.

Bringing up the child if you die is a guardian completely different - nothing to do with Godparents at all.

[TheRealKimmySchmidt63]

A child can't have too much love - your daughter is only 1 - I am sure this is enthusiasm that will resolve itself in upcoming years and if it doesn't trust me you'll be glad for her during the 2's to 25s!! She sounds lovely if a tad over enthusiastic - I would assume as gm I'd be invited to the first birthday party - a godmother is a very special role to play - try to look at the positives in the situation.
Hope your dd has a lovely first birthday

[Rubies12345]

I think you have the wrong idea about the Godmother role.

It's not an honourary role like a bridesmaid for one day, it's a lifelong commitment. If you die or become incapacitated she will bring up your child.

The memory box thing is normal, although I wouldn't call it that because that's what you call it when someone dies. But if you mean putting baby things in a box, that's fine!

[Smurfit]

I think you should have invited her to the party - as godmother, in a way, she is family.

The tattoo would be pretty inappropriate. Maybe suggest she gets something else to represent your DD, maybe a special flower she loves or something.

The memory box is only a big deal if you're actually planning n doing one yourself. Personally I'd be too lazy and if someone else wanted to, then that's fine. If you are then just say so.

[bramblesandblackberries]

I think as well it can be difficult as you want to go along with friends enthusiasm for their children. My friend sends me a lot of photos of her (gorgeous!) daughter and I always try to reply with something nice like 'I love her little smile!' but I worry it sounds like I'm over involved in the baby

[Trifleorbust]

You wouldn't have had to invite other friends. If anyone asks, she's her godmother, that's why she gets to come and other friends don't.

[davos]

I think you can get away with inviting God parents and not other friends tbh.

But it sounds like the 'family only' is not the reason you don't want to invite her.

Number 4 is weird. The rest is a bit 'meh'.

[Augustbaby22]

Sorry if I'm drip feeding but it's on a Sunday and there are only 3 buses on that day to the nearest town then a 10 minute drive to mine, that's why I wanted to do something with her a different day somewhere more accessible for her. And again I wasn't discussing it with her she asked me what I was doing but I admit I was wrong on that point

[Danglyweed]

Yeah the only one YBU is number 1. Godparents should be treated as family surely? The others are very odd

[Wolpertinger]

1. You were telling her about the party, it probably did sound like she was invited, it's reasonable to assume a Godparent would be invited - YABU.
   

1. In my world this would be nuts - but not for everyone. No clear evidence either way.
   

1. Starting to sound a bit creepy.
   

1. YANBU. She is basically not her daughter.
   

1. Er, memory box???? These are the sort of things dying parents do for their children. YANBU.
   

So yes she should be at the birthday party but after that you should make sure all the candles are lost and that she understands talk of her being ''basically her daughter" is going too far.

[SpiderpigSpiderpig]

The only thing I find odd is the tattoo, but then I'd never get a tattoo of my own child's name as I think it's tacky.

Inviting her to birthday party would be a given considering you've made her gp. Other friends would understand.
She sounds lovely, and like pp has said the enthusiasm will wane as dd gets older and gp has her own dc

[panegyricS1]

Godmothers arefamily, pretty much. So, she should definitely be at the party. The memory box is lovely, a really kind thought. The tattoo is naff but nothing to worry about. The rest is a bit bonkers but can be put down to excitement and novelty I think.

[Augustbaby22]

So I've been a shit friend then really haven't I, what I meant was I felt like if I invited her I would then have to invite other friends and worried it would end up being loads of people like I said I have big family already, I'm paying for everything with the little money I do have.

I'll have a chat to her and hope I haven't upset her by not inviting her to the party, as I've said we have plans the day before so I'll try and make that special

Again thank you for the replies

[Ellieboolou27]

Just read your update so now makes more sense

[CafeCremeMerci]

Cross posted with your replies - but it doesn't change my general opinion.

[Lorelei76]

Um
I'm a godparent and I agree with the OP on all counts.
A memory box I get but in context with the other stuff it doesn't look great

[CafeCremeMerci]

Your BEST FRIEND, your daughters GODMOTHER would be 'too many people' at your DD's 1st Birthday?

My best friend, my god daughters' mother, & my god daughters ARE family. They might not be blood relatives, but they're the family I chose.

My god daughters are grown now, one lives with me sometimes (between travels) & the other has just (though quite young) had a baby. They are like my own, I love them like my own & god forbid should anything have happened to my friend when they were growing up, I'd have brought them up.

The same with my god son, another friends child. HE always calls me his second Mum & so does my friend. They too are family. He's grown now & we are still incredibly close.

If I'd been organised enough I'd have done memory boxes for them of their childhoods from MY perspective. So what if they'd had two?

I'd have no problem with my children's god mothers/fathers getting tattoos of their names if that's what they wanted to do.

They're allowed to love them. The children are allowed to love them & be close to them, they all have more than enough love to go around. The more people that truly love a child & are part of their lives the better.

I think if you aren't comfortable with this you need to have a good think about WHY? Are you just really possessive over your DD OR is there a genuine problem with this friend. If there is a genuine problem with this friend then you need to address it now.
.

[TwentyCups]

point four is a bit out of order, but presumably you were drinking? Many people - myself included! - get a bit 'we're practically sisters were so close! Love you!' when drinking, i don't think she was trying to unsurp you!
The memory box sounds lovely. Saying she loves your daughter like her own is what you would want from a godparent! I'm not s tattoo person, but people getting a god child's name is not rare.

I love my god daughter and would have been very hurt to be excluded from a first birthday party.

Your friend sounds like she loves your child, and kids can never have too many people who love them.

[Ellieboolou27]

Op - not inviting godmother for dd 1st birthday is off, godmothers always come to my dd parties.
Everything else is way OTT and certainly the tattoo
I think she is taking it too far it would annoy me if my dd godmother kept saying she's like her own etc and the tattoo would really put me off.

[Augustbaby22]

Inviting her to party would of meant inviting other friends or worrying she might end up left out with all my family there, I have a big family hence why I wanted to keep it small as possible, she's happy with the plan to meet the day before the birthday as we are meeting halfway and doing something, we live an hour away from each other and she doesn't drive