To feel like a fool because of my colleague's behaviour

[NinaBiina]

Little bit of background: I started my first job about eight months ago-it's an intense and emotional job. Another colleague who is quite a bit older than me and more experienced supported me so much during the beginning. We began to talk outside of work, including very personal topics such as past relationships, life goals and even religion, practically every day and late into the night. We went for drinks and dinner both individually and as part of our work group. I'm not such an avid user of Facebook so we became fb friends a few months after meeting. A few days after accepting him, he's tagged in a lovey photo with his pretty girlfriend which he's never mentioned (even 8 months later). People at work joke about us "going out" etc and when I told them they were shocked. Why did he not tell me? The things he said and the way he behaved made me feel there was a chance of something happening. I feel like a fool and humiliated...I'm starting to love my job but this makes me feel so stupid and I'm starting to feel quite angry with him. Am I being too sensitive and was he just being nice? Or is his behaviour a bit shady?

[alphabook]

Definitely shady to have become close friends, have lots of deep, intimate chats and never mention that you have a girlfriend.

I started a new job a month ago, have made casual friends with another (female) colleague, not anywhere near as close as this "friendship", and I already know that she has a boyfriend and she knows I have a husband. It's a pretty basic thing to come up in conversation.

[NinaBiina]

There's nothing wrong with supporting a colleague...it's how we survive in this job. But he treats me very differently to other colleagues (my other colleague's observation not mine). Last week my line manager publicly joked about why we weren't dating yet so I know it's not just my imagination. I feel a bit embarrassed and don't want to think I've been telling people things were happening which I haven't!

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I think it's quite sad that someone can't be supportive helpful friendly and caring without someone thinking something romantic is occuring or going to

[NinaBiina]

I never considered something romantic was ever going to happen initially. I appreciated the support from him and any other male colleagues. It was when we started to meet up outside of work just the two of us when it crossed my mind

[Benedikte2]

I'd keep the relationship light hearted and when you can ask him about the mysterious girlfriend. If he's genuine he'll tell you about her and it won't affect your supportive relationship. If he's stringing you along you should be able to tell from his behaviour.
Good Luck

[GabsAlot]

i'll do anything for u and being touchy feely is not the same as being a normal so to speak friend mellow

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Has your colleague said anything that would indicate romance was an intention, any proper kissing attempts anything at all?

[Nannawifeofbaldr]

It's hard to know from what you've said here whether he's crossed a line or not.

However if you are uncomfortable with hugs or a particular sort of "messaging" you need to tell him.

I would certainly stop going for meals etc other than as part of a group in you situation.

It's not really professional for all your colleagues to be so aware of your relationship that they are openly discussing it.

I appreciate that he is the senior colleague but that doesn't mean you can't take the reins in how your professional relationship develops.

I'd cultivate other supportive relationships at work so that you can step away from this one.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

How sure are you that she's a current girlfriend, not a past girlfriend? Or someone he just met on a night out?

[INeedNewShoes]

It's bizarre that you would spend all this time chatting, evenings out etc. and that his partner never came up in conversation.

Either the woman in the photo is not his partner or, if she is, he has deliberately omitted this detail whenever you've been chatting which is weird and not on at all.

You definitely should not feel stupid.

[Okay377]

Hang on! No one is saying a male colleague can't be supportive. Gosh, I'd be buggered if they couldn't. This is about having a more friendly relationship that clearly led the op to possible different conclusions, in which he never mentioned a girlfriend.

I would expect a colleague I knew for eight months to talk about their private life and mention a partner.

As you can never know his intentions op, at least now you know to give some distance and look to other colleagues as well as him for support and nip those comments in the bud.

[MoosLikeJagger]

How did he behave when you mentioned his girlfriend to him?

[HeddaLettuce]

If a woman had acted the exact same way you wouldn't be giving out about it, you'd think she was being a good friend. He can't be the same because he's a dude?
It's your behaviour that is at fault here.

[NovemberInDailyFailLand]

I think it's a bit shady. I tend to mention my husband and children quite quickly, because they're a huge part of my life.

[blitheringbuzzards1234]

Don't feel a fool. You're young, inexperienced and not the first person to be lead up the garden path either by naivety or making an assumption mistakenly.
Just cool off from this 'friendship' and make new friends who are nicer and more on your wavelength. When you've gathered yourself you might even want to look elsewhere for a different job. Treat it as a learning experience - there'll be plenty of those in the future - and consider that you may have got off lightly.

[Eliza22]

Hold your head up high, my love. No need to feel bad

[gobbynorthernbird]

Is this from one photo a number of months ago?

[Willberry]

I don't think you should feel like a fool, I think that by going out with you individually for meals and drinks he has clouded issues. I think that you need to sit him down and explain why you are feeling uncomfortable and that you want to know his expectations where you are concerned and that you are surprosed he never mentioned his girlfriend.

I think its unprofessional of your line manager to make a comment about the 2 of you. If you continue to feel uncomfortable and its affecting your work you may want to talk to your line manager about the issues too for support.

From your comments it sounds like you would not have been opposed to a relationship with him if he was/is single. I would say be cautious of relationships with collegues as you already realising they can get messy and end up causing problems proffesionally.

[bumsexatthebingo]

I actually think it's a bit odd for you to have been having these intimate chats late into the night about relationships etc and be very close and for you not to have even asked if he had a partner? Maybe he does like you but after so long with nothing happening he has thought it's not going to so is dating someone else?
Either that or he is just likes you a lot as a friend and is sending confusing messages/you are reading a lot into things because you like him.

[redexpat]

I actually think it's a bit odd for you to have been having these intimate chats late into the night about relationships etc and be very close and for you not to have even asked if he had a partner? I think it odd (suspicious) that he hasn't mentioned a partner.

[Rosae]

I had a colleague a bit like this. Except that I have a dp. We got quite close, talking every day personal stuff just like you and friendly banter in work. The work place was a very gossipy place and there were rumours about us despite my being married and him just out of a long term relationship. He never encouraged these but also never exactly discouraged them either.
He would constantly say to me that I needed to look after myself, that I was too trusting with other colleagues but that he was there for me whatever and whenever.
About a year into this everyone discovered that he had a baby with his ex. Who was already 4 months when we all found out. We would often talk about family, why he had broken up with his ex, about his older daughter. Everyone assumed that I knew as we were 'so close'. It was humiliating to have to admit that I didn't. Since i left he's really shown what a good friend he is since I left the job (maternity leave now sahm) despite publicly saying how he'd miss me and in private that he was devastated I was leaving and has met up with me twice, both at my instigation. Apparently also making a show of saying that he wouldn't pay in for the group present as he was going to get me something separately (he didn't).
You are not bu for feeling embarrassed but you can hold him at arms reach now. You can be polite and answer when he talks to you as you have to work together, but don't instigate conversations , limit amount of detail you give etc. He'll get the message in the end.