to move family abroad?

[friendish]

DH has been offered an opportunity to work in Australia for two years. I would love to go but we have young DCS and it's so far from family. My mum is already piling on the guilt and saying it's too far/expensive to visit and how she won't Skype because it isn't the same as holding her grandchildren. Wwyd?

[Nicnac81]

Should say both piled on the guilt!!! Damn autocorrect!!!

[TheArtistFormerlyKnownAs]

We are doing this. We live in the USA and we are in London for 2 years, with 2 small kids. Like your situation, the career opportunity was too good to pass up, but we would've done it anyway. Our parents gave us guilt at first but they got over it.

Now that we are here, it's harder than I expected, but overall I am happy we did it. I have casual friends here but I miss my mates from home. It takes a long time to build relationships, and knowing that we are only here for 2 years it sometimes feels kind of pointless. But we've had some fantastic experiences and it's been wonderful for my children and for our family to have this adventure. I only wish they were old enough to remember any of it!

Good luck!

[friendish]

Thanks for all the replies. You've all made me feel quite excited and like it could actually happen!!

Bumpkin ha ha!

Alpaca, I think if my mum could be supportive and would consider flying out - no ill health just a bit of a narc - then I wouldn't even be wavering.

Hariasa, where are you going? How does your in laws' disapproval affect your partner?

NPower & Just, thank you! Incredibly valuable and practical advice.

Bird, quite!!

Spaniel, that's how old our children will be in October and December so another year and it wouldn't be as easy as the eldest would be in school here which is more upheaval.

Artist, the friends thing does worry me as I have great friends here but I hope the experience would outweigh it in the end.

[Hariasa]

Friendish we're going to the USA.

My DH has been rather disappointed in his parents attitude (especially as mine have been very supportive) but there has never been any question that it would stop us going.

[myownprivateidaho]

Personally I wouldn't go. Which isn't to say that I think you shouldn't, just that it wouldn't work for me.

How far do you rely on family/friends for emotional support? Personally I'd find moving somewhere without a support network difficult. It's different if you're going for a job/study etc.

Australia is really, really far, and it is difficult being very far from family if something goes wrong. I lived in NYC for 5 years, and even that was difficult -- and that was only a six hour flight. I would never consider living as far as Australia tbh. Your mum shouldn't get the casting vote, but it is going to transform her relationship with her grandchildren, so understandable that she feels like this.

Also, if you're from the UK I don't think that moving to Australia is going to be any more an enriching cultural experience for your kids than moving to a different part of the UK. Also, my impression from (admittedly very leftie intellectual) Australian friends is that sexism and racism are much more widespread in Australia than here. Is your DH likely to have comparable opportunities here or in Europe?

[limon]

I wouldnt go.

[Ninja12345]

We did something similar when I was a kid to America. It was an amazing experience for us all. Both my sister and I gained in confidence from it.

[Justsobloodyunfair]

Go for it!!
We did this 10 years ago, we had an 11 Month old at the time, we were Meant to go for 2 years and stayed for over 5 years. It was tough at times, we really missed family but we knew it wouldn't be forever and made the most of the experience. We are now back in the UK and look back fondly on the memories we made and I actually think it brought us closer as a family as it was just the 3 of us over there.
We also had the guilt trip from family, which did make things really difficult and I did feel guilty for going but it was our decision and it was the best one we ever made!!

[myownprivateidaho]

Also when your mum says it's too far/expensive to visit, she might not be just "piling on the guilt." It's a 26-30 hour journey that costs at least £1.5k per person! It's not a trip that either of you are going to be making very often. (And also means moving to Australia from the UK i very different from moving to America.) And while she's clearly being ridiculous about refusing to skype, she's right that it is not the same as seeing someone on a regular basis. Her relationship with the children will suffer, particularly if they're very young. This isn't to say you shouldn't go, but I would be a bit more sympathetic to her. She's not talking rubbish.

[HeddaGarbled]

I think because you know it's only for two years and because you really love the idea, then you should do it.

But, I also completely understand how your mum feels. Two years away from her daughter and grandchildren, of course that's going to be hard. People always go on about Skype as if it is the miraculous answer to separation but of course it isn't. I did weekly Skype with one of mine when he was in the U.S. long term and it was lovely to actually see him and his apartment but the picture quality was often poor, there was often a little time lag between speech and receive which made conversations a little stilted, sometimes the connection would drop and once the call was finished, I felt sad.

It's not fair of her to lay on the guilt trip and I don't think you should let her stop you from seizing this opportunity but be kind and don't dismiss her feelings altogether.

[228agreenend]

www.qantas.com/gb/en/flight-deals/international/flights-to-sydney.html/economy/all/lowest

Fares aren't £1.5k, but half that!

Maybe your mum is concerned that once over in Aus, you won't want to come home.

I would go and seize the opportunity. Your mum can still maintain a relationship,with her grandchildren, by phoning or writing letters, if she doen't want to Skype.

Will not going affect your dh's career or prospects?

[Boiing]

I think it depends a lot how often your parents see their grandchildren. If they only see them once every few months, then go! If they are currently seeing their grandchildren almost every week / perhaps helping with childcare, then you might well be taking away the most meaningful and happy part of their week, if that was the situation then I think going would be very selfish (sorry). I totally get why your mum doesn't want to skype, she doesn't want the grandchildren to see her cry. Asking senior people to travel that kind of distance is also not reasonable, and it's not fair to drag kids back and forth lots either, so I guess in 2 years it'll have pretty much destroyed their relationship with the grandchildren, which may well be the most precious thing they have going on. Go if you want to, but be really clear about what you're doing and whether it's worth it.

[positivity123]

I think boing is being a bit dramatic. DHs neices have just got back from 2 years abroad aged 6 3 and 1 and they have picked up just where they left off with the grandparents. It won't destroy the relationship at all. My in laws sent old school letters and photos to the girls while they were away which kept the relationship alive.
Go and enjoy. Life's short so make the most of these opportunities

[Sushiqueen]

As a child who went for several years without seeing her grandparents due to living abroad because of my dads job, I would say go for it. And we didn't have Skype and Internet in those days.
It has given me a great love of travelling and indeed my brother has since emigrated (with the blessing of my parents).
I was still very close to all my grandparents but then I don't believe you have to live in someone's pockets to be close to them.
You can get flights to Australia for under a £1000 each and that us at pretty short notice- though more expensive at Christmas time,
We were there a few months ago and dd is now looking at a career that would enable her to move there as she loved the lifestyle so much (and that is coming from a stroppy teenager).
For 2 years I would go for it and experience a different opportunity.

[PurpleDaisies]

I guess in 2 years it'll have pretty much destroyed their relationship with the grandchildren, which may well be the most precious thing they have going on.

That certainly hasn't been the experience of my friends with children that went abroad for the same amount of time as the op is proposing.

[IonaNE]

Go. And like a pp said, I think your mother is manipulative. She won't Skype because it's not the same as holding her grandchildren?! So because she can't touch them, she does not want to see them and talk to them either?! .

[MagnifiMad]

Oh god, no, my kids have a good relationship with their grandparents on both sides even though they are far away.

My parents aren't great for Skype with them but we have seen them every year and I talk a lot about them which helps maintain the relationship.

OH's parents Skype mostly once a week with gaps here or there and they met their cousins for the first time in real life after only knowing them via skype (aged 5 and 7) and they just picked up the relationship as if they had always known them. 2 years will not destroy a relationship with grandparents. My son was only 6 months when we moved and gets on great with my dad etc.

My parents are also not on FB so if i post pics there, I will also send them to my parents so they see what's going on. It's not the same as being there, of course, but it is certainly a means to maintain the relationship .

[MagnifiMad]

We had a gap of 3 years between the kids meeting their paternal grandparents and it didn't stop them having a relationship due to Skype and photos and all that. I really think it's more than dramatic to say the relationship will be destroyed!

[stolemyusername]

Go! She's being incredibly selfish, it's an amazing opportunity that you'll regret not taking forever.

Where are you heading to?

[friendish]

Hari, disappointed is a good word. I do understand her feelings but am disappointed she can't be supportive.

Idaho it's really interesting to hear your pov. I do believe opportunities like this only come along once if you're lucky so think we will seize it but your posts have made me think. I will definitely try to understand my mum a bit better.

Just & Ninja thanks for sharing your experiences.

Hedda, I will definitely be kinder and more understanding of why my mum is reacting like is. I wonder if it were my job she'd be more receptive to the idea?

Boing & Magni, that's great to hear!

Iona, nose & face do spring to mind a bit!

We don't see GPs often - live opposite ends of the country and don't use them for childcare. Relationship with DCs is good though so it's reassuring to hear others say theirs hasn't suffered.

[228agreenend]

If they live at the opposite end of the country, and you don't visit often, how do you communicate now, and how do they have a relationship now? Apart from the visits, they can have the same relationship when you are in Aus.

[howtofixme]

One way to look at it is, the kids can spend two (or more) years not seeing their grandmother, which may be sad, or they can spend two (or more) years not seeing their dad.

I know which I would choose for young kids.

[Babyroobs]

I would go it's only for 2 years. We used to live in new Zealand, we came home when my boys were 2.5 and nine months for family reasons. I would love to emigrate agin but the kids are teenagers and they just don't want to go !

[toffeeboffin]

Do it OP.

Australia is fantastic. Not just good weather but schools, health care, food, there's a real work/leisure balance.

And it's clean, good for children and low crime.

[RaskolnikovsGarret]

Go OP. I would never in a million years hold my DDs back from such an opportunity. Precisely because I love them so much and want them to be happy. And it's only 2 years! Get off MN and start packing!