WWYD - dh in debt

[Tweakie80]

My dh is not great with money. I sort all finances out for the house. we both pay into a joint account for bills etc and leave ourselves the same amount of money for spends. He recently got a large pay rise but didn't increase what he transferred by that much. I am now dipping into savings as we have a lot of outgoings at the moment with childcare etc.

A couple of years ago I found a very large credit card bill in his name and was quite upset. For one because I dont like to be in debt, and secondly I didn't know anything about it. My dh said it was for his brother who was having money trouble at the time and his mum was helping him pay etc.

He's also in the past run up a large catalogue bill and had lots of late payment fines as he's so rubbish.

I just had an inclining that something was going on and I've done an online credit check and discovered he's around 10k in debt. I'm absolutely gutted. We are comfortabley off. I feel like we shouldn't be getting into debt with what we earn. I'm pissed off he hasn't told me about this. He's so generous with his money, he's just spent loads on my birthday but I'd rather he didn't if we can't afford it!

Sorry I'm just rambling on but I'm really upset. I guess I'm asking how you would approach it. Obviously it's not great that I've gone behind his back to find out but now I know I can't ignore it.

[gillybeanz]

Ok, ditch the joint account and have all money in your accounts.
He gives you/ a s/o into your bank for all his wages and you give him pocket money after his bills and debts have been paid.
If he doesn't like it, then Ltb.
You can't afford to trust him with money, he has proven to be untrustworthy and isn't likely to change.

[AcrossthePond55]

See, this is a deal breaker for me. Especially if there are children involved. I wouldn't endanger my children's financial security for the world.

We saw a friend's parents (in their 70s) lose everything with the exception of their house due to the husband's (hidden) gambling. And the only reason they didn't lose the house is because he couldn't get a second on it without her signature. They lost their (substantial) business, investments, savings, & possessions (to pawn). Upon advice of an attorney, she divorced him and forced him to sign the house over to her. They still live together but she is no longer financially responsible for his debts. He's still gambling. Why he hasn't had his kneecaps broken by some 'wise guys' I'll never know.

OP, it doesn't matter what he's spending it on, based on what you say he thinks that you are unreasonable in your attitude towards spending. As long as he doesn't see that you are right, you're fighting a losing battle.

[tiggerkid]

The only way I see to tackle this is to have an open and honest discussion. Make a plan for paying off the debt he accumulated. One option is consolidating it all into one credit card. There are loads of offers with 0% transfers for X months. If debt is still unpaid by end of X months, transfer it again until done. There are often fees for such transfers but it's nothing compared to interest you'd have to pay. I would also suggest setting up direct debits for savings for yourselves and DC. Make sure they are set up for the day following pay day, so that the money is taken out sooner than he can spend it. Obviously you both need to agree on whatever plan you work out, so having an open discussion is inevitable. Best of luck.

[YelloDraw]

divorce him if he doesn't stop gambling

I would also have to do that :-( I hate living with addicts and the destruction they cause with their selfish desires to gamble/drink/whatever come above anything else

[DoinItFine]

Also yes, close the joint account.

No financial ties to him at all.

The debt is all in his sole name, right?

[Tweakie80]

The joint account is actually only in my name. I refer to it as joint as I use it for both of us. And savings all in my name (they are from before I met him even though I am clear the money is for us/family). I wouldn't give him access only cos he would dip into it more than me. He works incredibly hard in order to provide a future for us and in every other way is perfect. I am worried it may be gambling which is spiralling out of control - I think he would be ashamed of that which is why he will hide it. I've just logged on to one of his betting accounts. He has spent more on there than he says - it was £65 over a month. Obv I don't know what other accounts he is using. 2 other websites I can see his account has been suspended I wonder if he has voluntarily suspended his account if he is trying to address his problem himself.

[taardnottired]

Nobody gambles just 1 or 2 quid - I suspect this is almost entirely where his debt has rung up and it wont stop.

A close friend gambled away 7k of savings and borrowings in a month, all the while keeping a brazen face that he wasn't gambling at all. its addictive and I hope there is a way out but sadly of the few personal cases I know, gambling rarely sorts itself out.

[MrsBobDylan]

The credit card in DH's name but which was taken out to help bil sounds like bullshit. Sorry to be blunt but the debt isn't the only money he's spending, since he got a promotion and you are yet to see any of the extra money.

He's spending tonne, you know he likes to gamble and it's extremely unlikely it's just £1 or £2 a time.

Am sorry that you're in this situation. You need to have it out with him and get him to tell the truth. That's the first step. Don't let him ruin your family's financial security.

[AcrossthePond55]

Want to add that it wouldn't matter HOW he accumulated the debt, financial irresponsibility to that extent is a deal breaker, not just debt due to gambling.

[Kit30]

Get advice from a solicitor about the house asap to make sure you protect yourself and dc position
In a previous life I acted for a client who's husband (they spilt when she found out the extent of his gambling and then he blamed her for the stress of the divorce which made him gamble/ spend on crap even more) & only managed to save the family home by the skin of our teeth because the creditors came after it as it was in joint names ( no defined shares)
Not to worry you even more but forewarned is forearmed in this situation
Talk to him. Tell him what the plan is and regain control

[Tweakie80]

The other thing is we've been talking about moving within the next year. I don't think he's even realised this will have an impact on us getting a mortgage.

[mysticpizza]

You really, really need a clear picture of what's going on. Insist on seeing the credit card and bank statements. If it's gambling you cannot trust a word he says as an addict will look you in the eye and lie. It's good your finances and savings are separate. Keep it that way and make absolutely sure he can't access any savings in the children's names.

[Toffeelatteplease]

the moving is so he can pull equity out of the house to pay off the debts. I'll put money on it.

[User8530]

I am sorry you have found this out, OP.

I was in a similar situation, except I was the one hiding debt. Having debt is the worst feeling in the world- you feel ashamed, trapped, and like you are totally sinking with no way out. My husband (then boyfriend) found out when letters from debt collectors showed up, I had to come clean and tell him everything and it was the most horrible thing I'd ever had to do. I'd had depression and fallen into a cycle of spending to make myself feel better and it had just got madly out of control- not saying depression is an excuse, it's a reason.

Luckily, whilst he was understandably upset, he was also incredibly supportive- he earns more than me so over time has helped me pay it off. It was very much on the understanding though that it could never happen again- he was very angry and disappointed in me and the thought of losing him was the shock I needed. I still have wobbles where I'm having a bad day and log straight onto a clothes website to buy myself something, but I am better at stopping, taking a breath, and thinking about whether I can really afford it or if I'm just feeling emotional. I am much better at budgeting now and am actually pretty good at counting each penny! I am really proud of myself and how I've managed to turn things around- and last year we got a mortgage and bought our first house, which is something I never thought I'd be able to do. We didn't get the best rate but luckily DH didn't mind, we'll have that rate for two years then we can remortgage when my credit history will be vastly improved.

I guess my advice would be to talk to him about it- hear him out. Only then can you decide if you want to stick by him or not. If it is a gambling issue (and even if it isn't it is obviously a spending issue of some kind) he has to really want to change otherwise he never will. There is professional help out there for people with addictions, which he should try and seek. You can speak to citizens advice bureau about the debt and they can put you in touch with debt management plans to help if needed. Debt doesn't necessarily mean bad credit, it depends how he's been managing the debt and if he's missed payments or defaulted on anything- defaults are the killer- or worse if it's escalated to a CCJ. You need to have it out with him and find all of this out before you can decide what you want to do next. Good luck

[mrsfuzzy]

tweakie that is a very worrying thought imo, i'd seriously consider that idea if i was op.

[Tweakie80]

He will not be moving to take equity out of the property he would not be able to access any of the money as we will need it all for the new house and I will manage the process for moving house. I think he genuinely hasn't thought about how this will affect that, or that I would have found this out anyway when applying for a new mortgage. He's due another pay rise and probably thinks he can hide this and pay it off without me knowing. However I need to know how he's got in his situation whether it's overspending or gambling and know that he is addressing that before we move forward. I wasn't able to talk to him last night. Am going to speak to him tonight.

[AcrossthePond55]

Honestly, I wouldn't even be considering moving house at this point!

[milliemolliemou]

OP Have you talked to his brother about the amount he's apparently paid?

Are the savings in your name? why are you using them when it's a shortfall on your joint account? Have you checked your own credit rating? I would be establishing a separate account for your income with pay into the joint account. Like other posters I'd be wary about moving - easy to "solve" debt with a house sale but if there is a bigger cause (gambling) then it will just get lost and you'll be stranded

[19lottie82]

Online gambling at £1-2 a time?

You have a minimum deposit of £10 with most of these sites. So does he deposit £10, gamble £1 then go back X days later and gamble £1 more? I doubt it.

Sorry OP but he's leading you up the garden path!

[19lottie82]

And if you have any bills in joint names, inc mortgage or a bank acc, then his "late payments" will be trashing your own personal credit rating as you are financially associated with him.

[19lottie82]

If he has a history of late payments and a load of outstanding debt, no one will offer him a mortgage, and as you're linked to him financially (?) you will find it hard even to get one on your name alone.