To think I was a terrible first time mum

[ButterflyGiraffe]

Anyone else get this?

I've recently had my second baby and I am just a much better mother this time around than I was 5 years ago.

First time around I was horribly stressed by new motherhood. I really thought DD would fit around my life and it was a shock to the system when she wouldn't. I was OBSESSED with trying to get her into a routine, desperate to prove myself, completely uptight about everything.

Yes I was loving and gave cuddles etc but in between I was huffy and impatient - always complaining that she wasn't sleeping properly, feeding properly, too clingy, cried too much - and I'm sure she picked up on my 'wtf have I done with my life?' vibes.

She's fine, thankfully, but also a very sensitive child and I can't help thinking I did that to her by not making her feel unconditionally loved and secure.

One time she vomited all over me after throwing a tantrum and I cleaned her up in silence, not offering any comfort, and put her to bed very curtly. She wasn't even two. I can't believe I did that.

This time - five years later - I am much more relaxed, happy to go with the flow, feed on demand, co sleep and try never to let new DS cry. I am happier to be a mum, more responsive and just generally a kinder, more maternal person.

I hate that DS is getting the best side of me, while DD had a grumpy cow of a mother for her first few years. I'm really ashamed actually.

[JimmyGreavesMoustache]

oh yes, this was me. Utterly clueless (and to be fair driven bonkers by lack of sleep) with a newborn, too strict with a toddler, generally impatient and shouty. I had learnt a lot by the time the second one came along.

the way I see it, I still have a whole lifetime of parenting ahead of me, and am definitely working hard making sure DC1 gets the benefit of how I've changed, and gets much more of me at my best.

[Chocwocdoodah]

I was crap with both. Routine obsessed with DC1 - impatient, huffy, v shouty. Then with DC2 I thought I would be better as I would know what I was doing - no, still shit. It makes me so sad to think about it. I wish is not stressed do much and for instance, let them do things like fall asleep on me without freaking out that I'd start bad habits.
I'd love to have another one but I know I'd be the same and I'm just not willing to do that - it's not fair on the DCs.

[29redshoes]

the scone I am so paranoid about this as my DD also had jaundice and wasn't a great feeder to begin with. I think I know the study you're talking about, but I thought the elevated risk only applied to second and subsequent children?

[TheSconeOfStone]

I totally relate to this. My first DD was very jaundiced and not feeding, with hindsight I should have refused to leave the maternity ward. She had lost nearly 10% of her weight but not enough to get any proper help with feeding. The first few months until she started on food were shit. Anxious poorly feeding refluxy baby. Me probably with PND. She was diagnosed with ASD at age 8 and an irrational part of me thinks I caused it (Google will link anything with anything). She is very well attached however and we have lots of cuddles

I fed at the slightest whimper with DD2 (ignoring my mum's 'helpful' comments) and picked her up and carried her as much as she needed. DD2 is so much happier and well balanced. Ignored the clock and stopped comparing and was a happier mum as a result.

I wish I could turn the clock back and mother newborn DD1 again. I would tuck myself up in bed with her for a month and refuse to leave the house.

[jellycat1]

Yes yes yes!! Same here. I can't even type my examples because they'll make me cry and I'm in the doctors waiting room. But it's normal and im sure you haven't done her any damage. You sound like a very caring mum.

[IceBeing]

I think (with respect) that you are taking way to much credit/responsibility for your first child's personality....

Do you not think it possible that it was BECAUSE your DD was a sensitive soul that it was hard for you to transition to motherhood?

Some babies are relaxed and fun to be around. Some are.....not. Not at all. Some parents can pass the baby around, leave the baby with friends to take a break, fit the baby very easily around their lives. This isn't because they are somehow magically gifted parents...its because their babies aren't sensitive or clingy. You parented the baby you had. That is all you could do and you clearly found it very difficult - and yet you did it day in day out to the best of your ability. You deserve a medal, not self-castigation!

[SleepFreeZone]

I feel totally the opposite.

I was a lovely mum with DC1, totally laid back but really dedicated to getting everything right with regard to breast feeding, weighing in, weaning etc. He had loads of my time and we went to baby groups and baby swimming etc. Sadly he didn't enjoy any of it, now as a 3 year old with potential (as yet unassessed but suspected SN) he spends his days tantruming and doing anything for my attention to the detriment of DS2.

I haven't had time to do any baby classes, weaning is a nightmare as I'm unprepared and can't find the time to read the books as in the evening I'm so shattered after the baby waking me constantly. I spend my weekends desperately trying to clean the house that the 3 year old spends all day trashing. I'm exhausted, ground down, frustrated and just wishing away the next year till I can get the toddler into school and I can get my life back.

[MermaidTears]

op I could have written this I feel sad every day and beat myself up about it. I was far too young when I had dc1...I was a screeching stressed depressed exhausted mother. Dc2 came after a very big ten year gap...I am now to them both a chilled out happy content co sleeping (with the baby) mother, and try every day to make it up to dc1. I feel as though poor dc1 got the worst of me and dc2 got the best of me and I can only pray everyday that dc1 won't grow up and hate me for it.

[MrsBobDylan]

Well, you sound wonderful to me. You recognised that you'd do some things differently next time and you have. Honestly, some parents never learn that.

Don't let your guilt spoil what you have now. You don't deserve guilt. Enjoy!

[tootiredforthissh1t]

I feel exactly the same about my mothering OP. I was so stressed out with DD and she too is a very sensitive child, like your DS. This is something of a chicken and egg situation. Biologically, some of us are born more sensitive than others. We're quicker to react and those reactions can be much stronger than a person born with a more laid back personality. As first time parents we are so desperate to 'get it right'. When our reactive LO don't fit in with our idea of perfect motherhood it can make us feel like shit as our desperate and futile attempts to feel good enough only serve to increase anxiety, which baby pick up on.

Whilst it's helpful to acknowledge how far we've come as parents the second time around, there's very little point in beating oneself up about our previous failings. Our skills and capacity to cope fluctuates over time. just enjoy being able to parent your DCs with fewer internal demands made of yourself

[Crunchymum]

Once I got the hang of it (took a few months) I think I enjoyed DC1 much more and was able to parent in a pretty relaxed, laid back and calm way. It helped that DC1 was a very relaxed, laid back, calm baby.

DC2 arrived when DC1 was 26 months and her whole life she has had me with split attention. I feel terribly guilty DC2 didn't get the quality time DC1 did. Although I do bf (extended DC2 is 18m now) and we cosleep so we do have a different type of quality time. She adores her older sibling and of course neither of them know a life without each other.

I think being a mother is entrenched in guilt!!! There is always something to feel bad about.

[OohMavis]

I could have written this. DS is 6 now and also sensitive and I blame myself. DD is 2 and the most laid-back, happy little person.

Just remember that it's not just your DS who is seeing the 'best side of you' now, your daughter is too. That's what I tell myself. I can't go back and make myself a more patient and kind first-time mother, but I can be the best I can be now.

[blueshoes]

I doubt that just because we are more anxious with the first and more chilled with second/subsequent, it turns our first children into an anxious one and the second into a more relaxed individual. Those are hard wired personality traits. It is unlikely that any parent who is concerned enough o come on this board is so extreme with their first as to permanently damage them emotionally.

[Katastrophe13]

I am another one with this feeling of guilt. I was/am impatient with DS1, expecting so much from him and dealing with situations badly because I don't know what I'm doing! With DD I have done it all before and am relaxed and take it all in my stride. She is super confident and easy. Do not know how much of this is down to my parenting or just their personalities. I feel like I still regularly make mistakes with ds as we experience things together for the first time. Also as the first I think I find it hard to recognise that he is a small child and expect a lot of him, whereas DD seems younger than he did at her age because she is the baby of the family. I recognise all of this and am thing to be a better parent to ds now, and just hope I haven't irreparably damaged him with my uselessness...

[hawaiibaby]

op. Our kids jus need us - who we are - not some perfect robot type. And your dd will not remember the vomit / curt incident so forgive yourself and move on.

This thread is so honest and has me welling up as I feed DS2, while feeling guilty about not giving enough time to ds1 and experiencing the near constant worry in the back of my mind about what kind of job I'm doing with them both and how I might negatively affect their futures. It's exhausting isn't it?

We never pause to think about all we get right though, do we? All the love, cuddles, fun, play, care. We are doing the best we can, and that's enough. We are enough

[BillyNotQuiteNoMates]

I was SO different, as a mum and as a person, between my first and last baby. But at 23 DS1 has turned out pretty good. I don't think he bla,Es me for being a rubbish mum. All you can do is your best, whether it's your first and ninth baby. And as long as you did that, then there's no need to beat yourself up.

[MammouthTask]

Honestly? Give yourself a break. You've done your best and that is what is the most important thing. Besides, it might be that you have a child that I much easier this time round (or happy to go with what you are doing. Not all babies are happy with co-sleeping or being 'relaxed' re routine, I know I had one of them, dc2).

TBH, I had PND with dc1 (and then AND with dc2!) and I didn't bond with him at all. It took me years to be able to say I loved him as much as I love dc2. You can say that dc1 really had the raw deal there. In reality, a few years down the line, it doesn't matter.
Both dcs have had their hardship, thy both have been challenging. They both have learnt from these hard times and this is what it has made them who they are. Dc1 is very empathic and careful about other people (sometimes I worry that he is too much like that), dc2 is very hard working (sometimes I worry that he is too hard on himself and expect perfection).

[Laiste]

I was different with each of my 3 oldest DCs. Guilt and beating yourself up about stuff seems to come with being a parent IMO!

All girls, there's only a small age gap between each of them and i had them young. I worry that i was: uptight and strict with 1st, struggled to bond and a bit robotic with 2nd, maybe i tried too hard and went too far the other way (spoiling/smothering?) with 3rd.

Do they now, as teens/20s, show traits which confirm my worries? Hmm. Well, you could say DD1 is 'sensitive' and very much likes everything in order, DD2 doesn't like physical displays of affection too much; quite independent, and DD3 can be very ditzy and is quite a clingy 'young for her age' 18 year old.

On the flip side however they are all 3 very happy, family loving, content, popular, settled young adults. They get on well with each other. They are carving their lives out surrounding themselves with good people. We all have a laugh together, we tell each other our troubles, we get together often, we get on. They reminisce about their childhoods and have fond memories. I must have done some things right ...

I have had a 4th DD (2.5) now as an older mum. (she's spoiled rotten by her older sisters!) All the guilt and fears and worry are right back, even though i should know what i'm doing by now! My advice to myself: do your best as you go along. It's all we can ask of ourselves.

Sorry for ramble.

[Grassgreendashhabi]

For the first time in your life you are responsible for a little person who is totally dependent on you

We all obsess and that is a good thing

I'm ttc at moment I know second time I will do things different but you do what you thought was right

[monkeymamma]

I am the same OP!
What really bothers me is that I'm still ridiculously intense about ds1 particularly his health. I ended up in tears last time I took him to the gp! Whereas I've only needed to take ds2 twice in his life! The trouble is ds1's temperature shoots up to 40 degrees at the first sign of illness (and recently had febrile convulsions) so I often end up in a&e or out of hours. Whereas ds2 so far/touch wood tends to be less ill, less often. I worry about ds1 all the time (will he get bullied at school, is his bed comfy enough, is he worrying too much (HA!)) whereas with ds2 I tend to think 'nah he'll be fine' and don't give it a second thought!
The thing is although your experience of parenting inevitably is different with each child, you love them both (/all) SO much, and equally, and that is what they will know/remember!

[PeteHornberger]

I could have written this myself! So stressed about stuff with my first and have enjoyed motherhood so much more with my second. However, as much as I'm a different mum second time around, he's also a different baby, much easier than my DD in certain respects.

Don't feel any guilt, as a PP said, we sometimes overestimate how much our actions influence their personalities. My DD is sensitive and a bit of a stress-head but then so am I (no shit ) so it could just be that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. She's also v brave, confident and a happy little thing 95% of the time, so we're doing something right, which I'm sure you are too.

[cuntinghomicidalcardigan]

I feel totally the opposite! Dd got my best, I had time, I was relaxed. She slept easily and was a happy little baby, happy on the floor, being cuddled, in her pushchair. She napped, ate and slept well. She teethed without apparent pain and was generally a happy little soul. Ds is getting the impatient, tired and fed up me. At almost 2 he has slept through 3 times (10-5). He is almost always ill. He won't give up breastfeeding and screams for hours the times I've tried to stop co-sleeping. I feel he is constantly interrupted and trailed about after dd, whereas she got a scheduled designed to meet her needs. I'm worried that because I've either needed him to sleep now or I've been waking him to take dd somewhere or pick her up that I've permanently messed up his ability to sleep.

I'm out of ideas. As far as I can see he will be a co-sleeping breastfeeding 5 yo at this rate... and I never wanted to feed past 1yo. He is completely different to my dd and any 'experience' I got from parenting her first has not helped in the slightest.

[Thisnameisallicanthinkof]

This made me think of this article, it is a long but interesting read nymag.com/thecut/2016/06/attachment-theory-motherhood-c-v-r.html

[pearlylum]

I have two children, I don't think I was a better parent to the second. Pretty much the same.

[waitingforsomething]

Well I've been pretty crap with babies both times. DD is 3.8 and DS just turned 12 months and I've been anxious, worried about feeding, obsessed about routines and generally impatient for both their first years.
I try not to give myself a hard time. I love them both and do my best but I'm not good at the first year, much much better from toddlerhood onwards and they're both great kids now.
If you were only crap once then you're better than me :-)