To think my Partner has fallen in love with his work collegue

[littlemisssocialworker]

Something has been playing on my mind. My partner and I have been together almost 5 years. We met at 19 and we are now 24. We do not have children at the moment. He’s a faithful and loyal guy and I don’t suspect he’s actually cheated for one minute, but I do think he’s fallen in love with someone else.

A young lady joined his team at work and she’s not just pretty, she’s very charming too and has a warm, friendly manner.
My boyfriend is just a typical confident, flirty/friendly guy. He will often comment that girls are hot and I do the same. It’s not an issue. But when I mentioned how pretty his work colleague was he said she wasn’t. It’s the first time he’s denied fancying someone who is attractive.

I’ve noticed at work functions where I have been there, that she has a profound effect on him. He will be relaxed but when she walks into the room he notices and goes quiet/nervous. He notices her straight away. He will then proceed to ignore her completely and go out of his way not to be in her company. She has definitely noticed but seems to be mature about it. He makes a conscious effort not to look at her but does sneak a glance from time to time.

If he has joint work to do with her he makes a big deal in front of myself and colleagues that he can’t remember who he’s going to the meeting with when I know full well he knows he’s going with her. He’s trying to show she doesn’t mean anything to him (no idea why he does this). He will try and get out of any joint work with her as I’ve heard him trying to get out of meetings with her before and he doesn’t do that with anyone else. And yet, while he tries everything he can not to be with her 1 on 1, he always stands near her, just not talking or looking at her.

She has tried to be friendly with him when I’ve been around her and she seems really nice but he doesn’t engage in conversation with her to the point of being rude. I actually felt a bit sorry for her. l I spoke to a member of his team who didn’t know who I was who said ‘look at him there with that school boy crush’. He said that my partner was flirty with the young lady in the office but for some reason outside of the office became very standoffish with her and would’t speak to her/ have joint work with her. No one knows why but they think it might be because someone suggested he liked her. This may have made him uncomfortable but I doubt he would flirt with her if he didn’t find her attractive at all and wanted to put an end to rumours.

I noticed he suddenly started dressing nicer for work too.

We were out for dinner. It was her leaving dinner and he was sat opposite her. He had made sure he wasn’t next to her. People started talking about Facebook and he suddenly came out with ‘You’ve deleted me on Facebook’. She seemed surprised and assured him that she had never had him on Facebook |(something I’m sure he was aware of). She then proceeded to add him. Nothing more was said. If he didn’t like her, I’m sure he wouldn’t want to add her on Facebook. And his way of doing it was slyly trying to get her to add him.

When they were leaving she said bye and he asked her to contact him if she needed any help with her studies.

Now he’s got some new pretty girls in his office and he’s just his usual friendly/flirty/harmless self. I have a feeling he’s still thinking about his old work colleague but if I even try and discuss it he tells me he doesn’t fancy her and just didn’t feel comfortable with her. He probably looks at her Facebook although he never mentions her. Am I being unreasonable to think there’s something about this that shows he has feelings for her? It’s a gut instinct. He seemed so affected by her! Any thought on what could be his reasons for being like this?

I don't think he's cheated or is currently cheating. But I can't help but think he has feelings for her. Just because of the massive difference in the way he cats with her and with everyone else. AIBU? What other explanations could there be?

[IAmNotAMindReader]

Looks like he's tried to remain professionally friendly (offering help with her studies) whilst trying to maintain a discrete distance. It does look as though he has a crush on her and is trying to deal with it in a manner that doesn't reflect on either of them professionally.

You, however, seem determined to make something more out of this. People get crushes, they deal with them, possibly not quite with all the social grace they should. This is what's happened here. Your partner has done everything right and yet you still pick at the carcass of something that never was.

Ask yourself why. Is it that this incident has shaken your trust in him? Do you feel that him having a crush on another person diminishes his feelings for you? Do you view it as akin to cheating?

You do need to work out what is bugging you because it will start eating away at you. It already is because it's bothering you enough to post here and not be reassured at all by posters telling you he has behaved properly and dealt with a crush situation as an adult, showing he has committed to your relationship rather than running into an affair like a selfish child.

[Mytown1971]

It's just a crush and these things always fade when one person leaves. In my 26 years of working I have been "in my" head totally in love with 2 people who I have worked with. It's very intoxicating. It's faded to nothing when they left/got moved on. I found one man so attractive he made me go weak at the knees. You can't help that bit it's the doing something about it you can help. I'll bet the vast majority of people have had one of these but of course not all of their partners will be aware!

[MatrixReloaded]

He claims to not like her and be uncomfortable with her , yet offers help with her studies and wanted to be friends on Facebook. That doesn't add up does it. Does he offer help to men he doesn't like?

Personally I would suspect there's more to it. I've had a similar experience and it turned out they had been having an affair. I think the not talking to her, not looking at her is an attempt to convince others (you) that she's not important.

It doesn't work because that sort of behaviour shows she IS important.

[echelon]

Incidentally I always use the term "young lady" too, for women in their late teens/early twenties. I am 32.

OP I've been in your position and it's not nice, in my case my husband wasn't physically cheating, however he'd become emotionally attached and infatuated with a colleague. It led to a kiss and sexually explicit texts.
He was dishonest and vague about her when questioned. I knew he was lying,my instincts were telling me something was seriously going on and I was right. We separated for a while and almost ended up divorced.
Fortunately he came to his senses and our marriage survived intact.

Your partner doesn't sound like a bad person, as other posters have said, it sounds like he may have developed a crush and is dealing with it because he loves you and doesn't want to end up cheating on you.
I can't tell you if he's being dishonest or not, but if he really values your trust and loves you unconditionally, he will want to reassure you, so please sit down and talk to him about the fears you have. Tell him you need honesty and for there to be no secrets between you both.

I wish you well

[Ekini]

I am in my twenties and have always used the term 'young lady' what an absolutely ridiculous comment to make.

It may well be related to education and different ways of speaking/writing style but to say a young lady wouldn't use the term 'young lady' is very, very strange indeed.

In my social circle it would be a very common to use such a phase and I can't think of any alternative expect 'young woman'.

My Grandparents describe people as elderly/old too.

[ImperialBlether]

This reminds me of the Zeebrugge disaster.

[Daisygarden]

What is the correlation between being educated at Masters level with using the phrase "young lady"?

Do only Masters-educated people use the phrase "young lady"? I would have thought somebody educated at Masters level would be bright enough to understand that use of the phrase "young lady" is not limited to people educated to Masters level!

The point was - you are only 24 yourself, so to refer to someone else as a young lady doesn't sound quite right.

[ZBWRDSM]

I am educated at Masters level so maybe that's why I said 'young lady'. I never knew that was unusual for someone my age.

Oh come off it! It's nothing to do with education. You have a masters degree so that's why you said "young lady"?!?!?

A 24 year old wouldn't refer to "a young lady" irrespective of education level. Have a think about it.

If you are referring to someone in the same kind of grouping as yourself you don't label it like that. An 80 year old wouldn't say of her 90 year old bf "he was also seeing an old lady".

I also think in this day and age "young lady" is very much a residual male phrase. Women - especially women under the age of 40 - would just not use that expression.

-obviously except the people who are weighed down with their Masters level education-

[Shizzlestix]

Is this a reverse or from a 3rd person's POV? Totally unlike the way a 24 yr old would write, posh or not.

[littlemisssocialworker]

I am educated at Masters level so maybe that's why I said 'young lady'. I never knew that was unusual for someone my age. But there's nothing wrong with being well-spoken. Thanks for the (unintentional) compliment.

[Daisygarden]

I thought that too ZBW but thought maybe OP is just posh

I say chap, referring to men, quite frequently.

[DaintySong]

I'd be worried that there's more to it. You can only see how he's reacting to her being around when you're there. It's obvious that he'll pretend that he's not interested in her with you or others watching, but you could tell that he wasn't behaving normally. Why do you think he was flirty with her in the office? You're probably ok as she's left now, but why did he need to get her on Facebook as she was leaving..?

[Tartsamazeballs]

It could be that she made a pass at him and he didn't enjoy the experience?

I know similar has happened to my husband before. He told me about it though- we don't do secrets.

[Missyaggravation]

Why would he purposely try to get her to friend him on fb in front of you though? That seems odd, if they weren't already friends.

Your spidey senses are tingling for a reason, I think they are rarely wrong tbh. Maybe it's the "in plain sight" thing why they became Fb friends whilst you were there.

I'd be watchful tbh, I'm a paranoid android though. Well, just realistic actually, people are twats when genitals are involved :/

[puglife15]

I would maybe rib him for it - "omg you totally have a crush on her!" It will take the tension out of the situation and help it to pass.

The thing about a crush is it's never real. Not real feelings, circumstances etc. In my experience they go away quickly as they come.

Fwiw I'm friends on FB with people I've had a crush on in the past and truly feel nothing for them now :)

[ZBWRDSM]

Why would a 24 year old refer to "a young lady"? I'm sorry but that language doesn't ring true to me.

[Lilacpink40]

You have gut instincts telling you that he was and maybe still is attracted to her. Are you also feeling that he's less attracted to you?

It's possible to find multiple people attractive, but if you're feeling a change towards you that is important to discuss.

Better still plan lots of fun things together and see if everything feels normal again.

[2nds]

Not all men fancy every good looking woman they work with. It's possible that he doesn't like her at all and could be trying to keep her at arms length. She might not even fancy him either.

[AdjustableWench]

Yes. Crushes do pass. It sounds like he's making every effort to manage his feelings, which is a good sign. I wouldn't worry about the facebook thing, because it seems like you can trust him.

[Bogeyface]

They do pass and then you feel like ten types of twat for getting in such a state about the person.

I have had many crushes over the years, and they have all passed.

Sounds like he loves you and this crush took him by surprise so he has done all the right things to distance himself from her.

[Daisygarden]

Well, nobody knows that but if he's not in regular contact at work anymore (did you say she'd left?) there's a better chance it'll pass, if that's what it is. A lot of people get minor crushes on work colleagues but it's a crush, not actually a serious possibility.

[littlemisssocialworker]

will it ever pass?

[eightbluebirds]

Sounds like a crush he's trying to avoid. Only thing he can do until it passes really.

[littlemisssocialworker]

I might try and talk to him.

Does anyone think there's any possibility that he just didn't click with her and wasn't keen on her and thats why he's acting like this rather than having a crush?

Or that he never had a crush and avoids her so she/other work collegues don't get him wrong?

[CwtchyQ]

I don't know what to think really, though I suppose if I were me I'd do the wrong thing and keep going on and on about it because it would fester. I would find it hard to feel like my significant other wasn't being honest with me. But like I said, I don't know if that's rational.

Maybe - maybe - sit down with him and try and have a really honest conversation whereby you tell him exactly how you feel and what you think you noticed. He doesn't sound like a bad person.