Does anyone else feel like me?

[nutmeghorse]

I am married and have 3 great children, we live comfortably and have no particular problems. However it is coming up to a milestone birthday for me and it seems to have triggered a bit too much thinking about life. Like why my kids never seem to be grateful with anything and are constantly asking for more. (yeah, I know, they're kids, they don't understand gratitude). Like why I don't have a close circle of girlfriends who are always there for me. Don't get me wrong I have a few friends to go out with and friends with kids to go on day trips with but everyone else seems to have these super close friends who they have known 'forever'. I have no-one that close. I am also wondering why there is no-one in my life who wants to do anything special for my birthday, husband included, when I mentioned it to him, he just says, well no-one bothered about mine. I told him that I made it special for him, we went out for the day, nice meal, special present etc and he didn't want a party or a big gesture, he's not that sort. Well I am, I'm constantly jealous of hearing how other husbands spoil their wives and how they all go on lovely holidays - we can't apparently because passports are too expensive and it's too much hassle and why would anyone want to go abroad with all this terrorism about. I can't recall any terrorism in the Maldives but there you go. If we do anything it's all organised by me and I feel as though I'm having to drag along a bored husband whose working out how much it all costs. I've even had to justify the costs of ice-creams before. Just once (maybe twice) I want a taste of luxury and being adored and having amazing experiences Then I feel all guilty knowing that my life is loads better than some people and I should be grateful for what I have, but thinking that doesn't seem to banish the other thoughts for long.
Please let me know it's not just me that feels like this.

[ssd]

oh God if we had a windfall I'd definitely want it spent on a nice holiday, our day trip and meal is needs must I'm afraid

have you told him how your feel yet?

dh wouldn't mind doing something I wanted to do but the idea would need to come from me

[MissMargie]

I don't think you are going to shake him up if you keep arranging things that you (ie your family) enjoy and approve of.

I would def sod the house improvements or you will suddenly find yourself, like me, retired, wondering do I actually want to spend the rest of my life here in this house (DCs have moved to where the work is), do I really even like this house??

We spent 20,000 on my significant birthday holiday, which was a first, and which we could afford, I don't have a glimmer of regret, it was pretty amazing.

[LovelyBath77]

My husband can be negative and not very understanding at times, especially when stressed.

I try and not take it to heart, just shrug and think well, that's his problem, not mine. I don't ask him to validate my stuff as much anymore, and just go and do stuff rather than discussing everything with him. I think my confidence had gone a little while having small children and it's coming back a bit. Realising that what they say is often not a reflection on you, but more about how they are feeling in themselves, can be helpful.

[nutmeghorse]

ssd

That made me laugh... thank you.

'I am planning my 50th as we speak, so far its a day trip out and a meal, someone at work is going on a luxury 3 week £6k holiday mind you shes a bitch and he dh is an arse

still.....'

What grates on me is that we had a bit of a windfall recently, not enough to retire but enough for the sort of holiday you mentioned but it all had to be squirreled away into 'savings' and improvements to the house that we don't need. He wants them - not me but I don't get a say because he is the main breadwinner.
Never mind - hope you enjoy your day trip out and meal. I will plan mine today. I'd like to plan a 3 wk 6k holiday but hey ho.

[nutmeghorse]

Many thanks for all the different viewpoints and advice on here. It's so lovely to know that people would take the time to offer advice. Most of the time I feel as though I don't exist - except to provide a service for other people so it's really heartening to have people what to help me - just me.
I agree that if you want things to happen you have to make them happen, and not let anyone suck the life out of you. Love the dementor comment, so true.
I started looking into local yoga classes last night - something I always wanted to do - just for me, and I will make it happen. Also I will plan what I want for me birthday - if he doesn't want to come then so be it. I did suggest a few days ago what I would ideally like and his comment was that Sunday (the day of my birthday) wasn't ideal as he likes to have a day off after a day out to 'recover'. So I will tell him that we will be quite happy to go by ourselves.
Also agree with the spa comment - I have done this before and like the other person said, I came back to a right mess and then had to cook everyone tea.

Love love love the idea of the happiness board, how good is that. Will also look into that book people have mentioned, maybe a birthday treat to myself.
Wow re the husband that organised the holiday to Hawaii, I dream about things like that, we should definately do a husband swap.

I do sometimes wonder if I'm a bit 'the grass is always greener' sort of girl. My DH is great when he's not being a dementor and is a great dad. He is quite obsessed with saving money. He's ever so worried he wont have enough to retire and doesn't want to work forever. I could not split the family up for my own selfish needs. It's change within I want not separation.

Thanks everyone, feeling a lot more positive today.

[redexpat]

Fair point ssd.

[ssd]

redexpat, that sounds lovely but I have teens and they dont want to be seen dead with us go on family days out anymore

[junebirthdaygirl]

My friend was always wishing her dh would have a surprise party for her. She really struggled when she was invited to one as felt so jealous. Then her 50 th came around and he did it. We were all crowded in the hall up the stairs and across the landing cheering when she came in the door. She stood there in shock and then said very loudly " at last! at last! ". We all laughed but she was so happy. Maybe one day op maybe one day.
Meantime plan your own things. PLAN A HOLIDAY. Bring Grinch himself along but there is no shame in planning it. Ignore the grouching just do it for yourself.

[TheBannistersOfLife]

Yes yes on the organising everything front. Every now & then I explode & tell DH I'm sick of thinking (days out, meals, etc), but then we wouldn't do anything so cutting my nose off to spite my face would drive me up the walls. Never been 'swept away' for a break/holiday that I didn't organise. My 40th next year - for hubby's we went to Cyprus (I was pregnant with DD1 - now we have 2 so different type of holiday these days!)

[dayswithaY]

This happened on my birthday this year. I had for things planned - friend asked to take me to a concert one night, one group of friends arranged dinner the next night and I had Sunday lunch planned with other friends. My birthday was on the Saturday and I didn't want to spend it at home and knew no one would suggest anything so I told my family we were going to London. Went to see a show, dinner and a walk along the South Bank in the sunshine, lovely. Good job too as friend forgot she had offered to take me to the concert, next lot of friends postponed dinner due to illness and Sunday lunch was cancelled too. My point is, the only thing that actually happened was the one I made happen. I'm fine with that if it means my birthday Isn't ruined, such is life.

[RedMapleLeaf]

(I have also read and benefited from the Peter Jones book - was put off for ages by the title!).

crocodile but if you continue to ignore your own needs for others you'll eventually run out of steam. Seems to me that we have to make time for ourselves in order to keep resentment and exhaustion and ill health at bay.
The answer is not to look to others for our own happiness.

[FarAwayHills]

Sorry OP but he sounds like a right misery guts. I'm not surprised you feel like this

[redexpat]

ssd Can I answer that? DH and I wanted to go out as a family, and give our children as wide a range of experiences as possible.

After reading how to do everything and be happy, I realised that this wouldnt happen spontaneously, I had to put in some prep. So once every couple of months (I actually put this in my diary) I sit down at the laptop and use a couple of hours looking at events on FB, I read the local paper everyweek to look for events. I signed up for lots of newsletters with events at different places. I set a goal of 2 family outings every month. Now that could quite easily cost a fortune, so I have some stock ideas of things that cost a lot, a bit, are free. For Christmas and Birthdays we ask for annual passes to local attractions. Sometimes we invite the grandparents along so that we dont have to pay to vary things a bit. I make batches of snack food and put them in the freezer so I dont have to spend ages making sandwiches in the morning.

So when we've had a lovely day out I try and bring home a souvenir of where we've been to put on the happiness board. It's a noticeboard in the kitchen and fills up throughout the year with ticket srubs and flyers of things we've been to. It's a really good visual reminder of what we've done this year, and stops you feeling that we never do anything, when actually we do. I also write down what we've done in my goal book.

I would never have done all ^ that without reading how to do everything and be happy. These things dont just happen, you have to make them happen.

[redexpat]

Making new friends as an adult is hard. I havent really had a group of friends since school, but several individuals with whom I share a particular interest. You could try meetup. I have no experience of this but have seen others recommend it on here. Or a mn local meetup. What are your interests? Can you join a club or evening class? Now is the time to look for this sort of thing. Could you volunteer at an arts center if you're into that?

Now your joy sucking dementor husband. Did you discuss before you had kids what sort of things you wanted to do as a family? I do wonder what's the point of having a family if you're not going to do anything together. But he might not see it that way. Dh were both keen to do things and create memories.

Also, you have different love languages. Google it.

I'm going to recommend a book. How to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It will help you set goals, work out what you want your life to be like and how to make it like that.

Also see if there is a marriage course running near you. It is a bit christian, but not massively so, but it gives a safe space to discuss things with your partner. It covers love languages.

And just order the passports. If he doesnt want to go then he doesn't have to.

[ssd]

pearlylum, how do you live life to the full?? I wouldnt know where to start

[ssd]

op

thanks you thank you thank you

I am the exact same

I am planning my 50th as we speak, so far its a day trip out and a meal, someone at work is going on a luxury 3 week £6k holiday mind you shes a bitch and he dh is an arse

still.....

[YoungGirlGrowingOld]

OP YANBU at all. Howeber, to give you another perspective, my intrepid, airport-loving DH organizes all our holidays and then it has to be a "surprise". One time I ended up really irritated because the passport control guy asked where I was headed and I HAVE NO BLOOODY IDEA was not an acceptable answer. (It was Hawaii and I loved it, but I wish we had planned it together...) He has grudgingly let me book our baby moon and we are going to lovely Cornwall, at my insistence, to a hotel I have visited previously and loved. This obviously makes me a very boring wife... Sounds like we should swap DH's!!

[crocodilesmile]

RedMapleLeaf - I suppose it's the point at which you're doing absolutely everything for everyone (or else it wouldn't get done) and you don't have the time nor support to do what you want to do. As another poster said above it's about the balance between what you're doing/what others are doing and unfortunately when the problems you're having aren't directly fixable by yourself it gets tricky.

[pearlylum]

Sounds like this is about more than just birthdays.
This guy is draining the life out of you.
We don't do adult birthdays much in our family, OH and I don't care about them, but we do like living life to the full.

[KittyKrap]

Oh and further to a previous poster, spa breaks don't work. I was given a spa day from DM. Got relaxed and came home to chaos - and more cooking.

[KittyKrap]

My XH was like this! We had holidays pre children but only somewhere that did self-catering. After the DCs we didn't go anywhere. My Christmas presents were bought after he'd finished work on Christmas Eve so any old shite basically. My birthday was a non event. And I'd always cook. He didn't like eating out as, 'I was a better cook' (aka tight arse). For a big wedding anniversary he got me a keyring...it said, 'I love shopping'. Presumably 'shopping' in Sainsburys for food.

I left him.

Moving on, I met a man, now DH. He loves me, we spoil each other and he adores the 3 DCs. We've had long weekends abroad three times this year already. He's not rich - XH was loaded.

[amazinggrace2001]

If you want to go away- why don't you plan to go somewhere you've always wanted to go, either on your own, with a friend or with your husband?

My daughter and I really wanted to go abroad but my husband doesn't like travelling and my son has autism and loves being at home, so we went away the two of us for a couple of nights to Mallorca which was great.

[amazinggrace2001]

I'm sure that not all the other husbands are 'spoiling' their wives or taking them on amazing holidays. There is a phrase that is good for Facebookitis- don't compare someone's outside to your inside. You don't know what's really going on in their lives, underneath the shiny exterior. Noone's life is perfect.

I get envious of others lives too and compare myself with others, it usually happens when I am feeling low. Maybe look at what is good in your life ( not in a cliched count your blessings way) and make small changes in the areas you are not happy about.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I think you sound like you have a very nice life OP and should count your blessings, rather than dwelling on what you haven't got.

I suspect you're suffering from a case of Facebook-itis, where you look at everyone having a ball, surrounded by friends and amazing families, and your life seems lacking. That's not real life though.

Hoildays aren't that great anyway. Go and treat yourself to something nice and don't tell dh how much it cost and have a happy birthday from me.

[RedMapleLeaf]

And I don't mean that glibly, I mean why do you look to someone else? What are the reasons preventing you from making the possible changes?