To give up on this group?

[mrsnec]

I recently started attending a mum's group. I didn't really want to. I felt pressure from family telling me I should get out more.

I find it hard to engage with the group and I feel like I've made a massive effort. I don't feel we're getting anything out of it.

However, I have had two bouts of pnd and after effects of an illness makes me prone to anxiety. I had panic attacks in the supermarket after ds was born so getting out and about is a huge deal for me. Also one of my best friends died suddenly a few months ago and ever since I've found making friends difficult.

None of the mums in the group know these things about me and I'm wondering if I'd get better treatment from them if they did.

They excluding me from things and appear uninterested in anything I have to say. I feel worse than I did before I started going and angry at my family for pushing me into it.

Dd hasn't particularly formed any friendships either.

[mrsnec]

Mil. Bet you couldn't have guessed that one! Also two other members of her family. Dh is going to have words.

There are no library here but I'm on local parenting forums and have been to a couple of one off events but didn't get talking to anyone at any of them.

[JohnLithgowsLargeForehead]

Who is pressuring you OP? I do feel better when I get out and about with DS but it's just us two, I don't bother with groups. There's no need to put yourself through it if it's making you feel worse.

[mrsnec]

Perhaps I am impatient but with the other friends I have here I had been invited round within days of meeting them. I'm not saying I expected that with this lot but I certainly don't have the patience for months of sucking up to them which is what it feels like. Its already tedious and exhausting and I don't think they're flattered that I can retain information about them.

And yes I don't like the dd seeing me out of sorts at all. She's seen me in tears for the past 3 days over it and before then I'd been doing really well.

[eddielizzard]

i absolutely would not tell them your issues. why put yourself into a vulnerable position with people who have made it clear they don't want to be friends? cut your losses with that group, but don't give up.

is there story time at your library? or go to the park and strike up a convo with another mum who's alone. if you get on well, ask her over for coffee.

[MissMargie]

I would go along and treat it a bit like a study of friendships/making friends.

If you have remembered all they have said about themselves, and you go in and remember their names, what they talked about last time you saw them, and you ask them follow up questions about their lives I would think they would be flattered and want to spend more time with you.

Often chatting is about them letting off steam about things they are interested in, it takes time for the friendship to develop further so that they are actually interested in or care about you.

No one instantly loves the company of someone, it takes time (months or years imv) so I would persevere and don't expect any closer friendship to happen for a while.

[Dozer]

Ah so you live somewhere rural with not much on? Tricky. Those women sound best avoided! Sorry that your H isn't supportive either.

[BeverlyGoldberg]

Don't look at it as 'giving up' - it just isn't for you.

I'm so sorry that you have such a lot going on just now. Give yourself a break and focus on enjoying your little one.

I went to a couple of these groups and they all seemed to know each other and stuck together, it just wasn't for me and DD was getting nothing out of it other than seeing a slightly out of sorts mummy!

The most important thing you can give your little one is a happy mum, do what makes you happy and try to enjoy this time as they grow up too quickly.

[mrsnec]

Sorry to hear that Mammoth. Yes its definitely a big concern that the fact they don't like me is going to impact on my MH. I was trying very hard to fit in and I don't really feel like I am. My husband was saying that I should just make myself heard but that doesn't feel right either. Its occurred to me that I know everything about them and they know nothing about me. I have a problem with that but some people would be fine with it. If I'm talking to a brick wall though it m as well be at home!

Dh doesn't understand mental health issues. Never has. I think his reservation is the child care thing but also he doesn't think I'd help him much. I'm still going to look into childcare anyway because it might not be as bad as he thinks.

Now I'm not sure if I should exclude myself from the messenger chat group or not since the general consensus is that I should ditch it.

[QuiteLikely5]

If it's very bad then don't go but also accept that these groups aren't support groups, mums mostly go so their children can socialise with other kids. It is normal at that age for children not to make friends.

I wouldn't tell them about your circumstances at the moment as I don't believe it will get you the desired response.

Groups can be great, keep searching until you find the right group

[MammouthTask]

I've had PND too and found it hard to mix up in groups too. But tbh, I can niow see that it has more to do with the people in the groups than with me.
Some groups are just very hard work and clikey. What's the point to make an effort meeting after meetings with people who ahve clearly told yu they want nothing to do with you? I know it made me try and be someone I am not. And it didn't do any good to my MH either.
Besids, if that group was meeting in a venue before, I suspect that there was more peole going. The people in the current group are people who had formed some sort of relationhsip in the first place. These aren't always welcoming to new people :(

Agree about finding other groups, going swimming etc... Going to 'work' one day a week has also been my sanity saviour. You might need to have a chat with your DH about it. I suspect he isn't keen on the dcs being nursery rather than at home but it helps with your MH, then it will be good for them too :)

[museumum]

I really loved swimming. I did it cause ds and I both loved it and not really "to make friends" - three years on I still see two of the mums for swimming once s week. We're not that close and don't meet up otherwise (all back at work p/t) but I look forward to our swim followed by lunch while the kids play.

I'd suggest you think about a short nursery or drop-off playgroup session for your DD (if she enjoys it) and swimming with the baby.

[onecurrantbun1]

Just seen you also have an older child, some of my suggestions may not be appropriate in that case but Tiny Talk have always been very welcoming of older sibs ime

[onecurrantbun1]

I found Baby Sensory and swimming were much better than general toddler groups. The time is filled withinteraction with your baby with no pressure to converse with other women. Of course over the weeks we did start chatting but a structured group might be better for you at this stage. Tiny Talk is another one, we also did a baby massage course at the children's centre.

It sounds like you've really been through the mill and I'm so sorry to hear about your friend.

[mrsnec]

Well I did wonder if I hadn't given it long enough. And yes have too high expectations but I've usually made my mind up about people after 2 months of seeing people sometimes twice a week. I thought I'd have formed friendships by now. It's the rejection and exclusion I have a problem with.

I actually don't object to the topics of conversation. I would if they talked about the children all the time but they don't. Topics are normally weddings, pregnancy and husband's work. And maybe holidays. I can talk about all those things but they just don't seem to be interested in what I have to say and it's even harder when I'm feeding ds and trying to keep an eye on dd at the same time.

I considered telling them my issues because one of the reasons they lost the premises was because the person who ran it has health problems herself. She still goes and they are very supportive of her.

There is a thing called jingle jangles but its expensive but I'm also considering swimming lessons.

[Jackiebrambles]

So sorry you are feeling so down.

Why isn't your husband on board with you coming to work? Is it because of paying for childcare or something more related to his business?

Your mental health and happiness should be his priority. If you want to get out and work then that's what you should do. I'm the same, I need interaction with adults to make me feel happy.

[liquidrevolution]

I think putting DCs in nursery for one day a week so you can interact with adults and boost your confidence is a good idea. Please be kind to yourself.

Like a PP I also was pretty confident until I had children but found baby groups really hard.

[Twodogsandahooch]

Agree with mylaptop - maybe try a more structured group - ie music, baby gymnastics so you don't feel under pressure to socialise, but you still get the benefit of getting out of the house.

[mylaptopismylapdog]

Cross post so sorry about your good friend you must miss them and their support.

[PlotterOfPlots]

If it's making you miserable, stop.

Getting out of the house and having structure to the week is a really good idea, but it would be easier to organise something that's more about your child that you socialising - a class or playgroup. You go for your child's sake, and if you happen to get chatting to anyone then great, but it's not a failure if you don't. Plus your time there is more focussed on your child than the social side.

[mrsnec]

DD is 2 in September and ds is 6 months.

Doctor has pretty much given similar advice to here re exercise, not pushing myself and being kind to myself. Also says don't worry too much about socialising dd just yet.

The group doesn't have premises. They just arrange sporadic meetings through an fb page at cafés and soft play. There are no other groups in the area but one may start in September if they can find someone to run it.

I invited some for coffee but they said I lived too far away so I j gave up.There are only three of them who have children the same age as mine and they meet away from the group too. Yesterday they went to a new soft play without me even though I said I wanted to go. They also would have driven past my house to get there so the excuse about me living too far away is rubbish.

If do have friends nearby that don't have children the same age as mine but I've seen very little of them since ds was born and I assumed they weren't interested. I tried to arrange a night out with one of them and she just kept turning me down.

I didn't work before the children but I did help my husband out with his business occasionally. I am considering putting the children in nursery one day a week and going out with him to work because I enjoyed interacting with the clients more than these mums I think but my husband isn't entirely on board with the idea.

Yes there are places I can take dd to do things with her.

[Simpsonsaddict]

So sorry about your friend.

I second one of the comments on here that perhaps because you're feeling down already, people seem uninterested - depression can feel like you're looking at the world through cloudy glass! And they will be feeling tired/having their own issues. But if you aren't enjoying it, don't go, maybe try again or a different group when you're feeing stronger x

[Thefitfatty]

I would leave this one, you've tried it and it isn't for you. However, when you're feeling a bit more up to it, you may want to try others. I'm NOT a mum's group person BUT I did go to one once (worried DS wasn't getting any socialization at 6 months old LOL) and I met 4 other ladies who are now my best friends and we ditched the others and made our own play groups.

[mylaptopismylapdog]

Sorry to hear you have had pnd well done for getting out and about. From my own experience being more comfortable in groups can take awhile so trying and finding one group doesn't suit or taking a break from a group and retrying later is not the end of the world. Are their an Mum and Baby classes near you yoga,baby massage or fit mum? If so why not try one as everyone will be doing the same thing and the focus is on something physical so even if you feel uncomfortable you will have done something positive at the end of the class. Also you will be sharing an activity and that may make it easier for you to get t know people.

[ayeokthen]

No advice, but couldn't read and run. I'm so sorry about your friend, I know how awful it is. My best friend died suddenly 3 years ago and it's still raw. I find Mums groups really intimidating, so just paint on a smile and start chatting. Doesn't make me feel any better, but I still do it. Reading that back I've no idea why!

[Longlost10]

Also one of my best friends died suddenly a few months ago and ever since I've found making friends difficult. this is an odd thing to say, it takes longer than a few months to make real friends, maybe your expectations are a bit unrealistic


None of the mums in the group know these things about me and I'm wondering if I'd get better treatment from them if they did. I doubt they would have any particular interest in the issues of a complete stranger, they are not there to dispense charity.

I agree you should stick to your long term good friends right now, esp with PND. This is when you need real, proven friends supporting you, not trying to make instant friends with strangers, and want them to make allowances for you right from moment one.