To think parents make excuses too quickly for their child

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

Out as a group at a play centre a few mums with their LOs. One mum in particular her LB is getting a bit over excited ( we shall call him Bob and he's 4) and being a bit rough towards the other kids. We shout the children over for food and drinks, as they are making their way over Bob sort of tackles another LB from behind. Bobs mum and the other LBs mum goes over to check and bobs mum replies " boys will be boys eh" whilst the other mum is looking gob smacked at her answer.
So we carry on eating, chatting etc and the kids go back to play. Once again Bob is being a bit rough, bobs mum is whinging that the other kids must be doing something to provoke him because he's normally so well behaved. It rolls around for us all to go thank god, as the majority of the other parents are just glaring at us, as it some point Bob has injured or been rough with their LOs. Well Bob decides he doesn't want too leave and his the biggest tantrum I have ever witnessed including screaming and trying to attack his mum, his mum is making more excuses " oh he's tired "
"he's upset the other kids get to stay"
"He didn't get much play time"
( He did, his play time consisted of acting like he was in a wrestling match or drowning other children in the ball pit whilst sat smiling at his mum, and her cooing how he's well behaved)

Now AIBU to think she should of just held her hands up and said yeah he's being a little bugger instead of reeling of a list of excuses and in a way condoning his behaviour? I've seen this happen a few times with other parents and it just seems making excuses seems easier than telling them no.

[gandalf456]

I am with Basinhaircut though I hate the expression boys will be boys.

Mine was a bugger at four and would make excuses because I was embarrassed. At this time, no form of discipline worked and I had to ride it out.

He was actually (and still is at seven) really good at home but, when out of his environment, he would act up - especially around other children.

I gave a girl too whom I could take anyway from three so it's not parenting. She instead misbehaved at home and still does to a point

I have been that parent and one thing I've learned is that fellow parents don't make the best friends and there's zero solidarity

[SparkleSoiree]

Op I wasn't suggesting Bob has SEN, I was stating that parenting a child with SEN is more challenging than parenting a child without SEN.

You've never met this woman before today, have no idea what's going on in her life yet because she didn't behave the way you felt she should have you think she's not a good parent based on a 2hr window.

Perhaps teaching your children how to deal with Bob situations should be the lesson here rather than trying to scapegoat the parent. After all there's always something to learn from both sides of the conflict when it comes to teaching children social skills. Personally, for me, I'm glad I'm past this stage of hearing parents saying "your child, blah, blah, blah" for the slightest social faux pax of other children.

I still believe YABU.

[FasterThanASnakeAndAMongoose]

YANBU. This would annoy me too. It's up there with parents who make empty threats. They'll be threatened to leave the soft play or park or wherever within a few minutes of arriving. In reality they've got no intention of leaving though, so why say "if you do that again/don't stop doing that/don't share that toy we're going home! I mean it!"

You can almost see the glee on their kids' faces as they do the naughty thing again, only to get the exact same warning again.

Never make empty threats! Grrr. So irritating.

[BackforGood]

I totally agree with NickiFury, Sparkle, and especially BaisinHaircut.

First - I hate these generalisation threads.
Second, when you have one small dc, and that child is good at sleeping / eating / behaving / speaking / whatever - we all, naturally credit this to our own brilliant parenting skills.
As your dc get older, and maybe you have a 2nd and maybe a 3rd, you realise there's a whole lot of luck in the way your child "is". Yes, parenting contributes, but personality plays a BIG part.

YABU

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

I think some of you are missing the point here, it's the fact the mum made excuses and never said no. For roughly two hours we was there, and never once was he told no or be gentle or anything.

sparkle I don't know whether he is SEN or not , so for nearly two hours would you let your child run around for nearly two hours hurting other children and being rough without saying anything at all?


I understand some children are whirlwinds but to not even say a simple " be gentle " and instead laugh to the group " boys will be boys " kind of thing is bizarre too me

[WhooooAmI24601]

I have one who isn't a hitter, one who is. I agree that parents who do nothing about their DCs behaviour are complete bell ends. But will add that toddlers (and even older children) aren't the finished picture; they're very much a work in progress. DS2 took against a little boy at his playgroup when he was 2 years old and every so often I'd catch him swiping him or grabbing toys. We reached the point where DS2 was old enough for consequences so every time he hit him, we'd scoop up our stuff and leave. It only took a few attempts before DS2 learned that he couldn't behave that way. But to the parents on the outside I'd hazard that I might have looked like one of those wet parents who try and reason with their DCs. And I'd have been mortified if they'd posted on MN about my naughty little DS2 because we worked so, so hard, it just took a while to calm him down.

[NickiFury]

"Parenting is done differently , but my point is these parents are the kind that believe their children do no harm and would be the first to complain if their child was hurt etc."

You only met her once. You don't know the first thing about her really apart from gossip.

Well said Sparkle.

[BasinHaircut]

As the parent of a very boisterous little boy, I find these sorts of comments/views tend to come from the parents of placid, calm children. So they haven't got the first idea how to parent a 'spirited' (yes I hate that term too) child and should probably try not to judge so much because it is bloody hard!

[SparkleSoiree]

I would also add child with SEN as being challenging to parent too (having one with ASD myself).

[SparkleSoiree]

To be honest, I've never seen any of my friends publicly slate their child in front of other parents and certainly haven't seen any of them concerned about our opinions at the point their child was misbehaving!

It's always so easy to judge that parent whose not having the best day saying "they should have done this" or "should have said that". They probably already feel the weight of parents judging them when in actual fact those parents judging haven't yet reached the absolutely mind-bending, emotionally challenging depths of parenting which teaches you never to judge other parents. Those are the teen years and you just pray that you get an easy teen. Little Bob's rough and tumble is the least of your worries at that point.

So, for judging her reasoning and not understanding how she may have felt as another parent, YABU.

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

Nikki this was my first meeting with this particular mum but from what other mums have said this is a common thing. It's not an off day as you put it.

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

WiMoChi but you're not making excuses! You even said you'll correct your child when they do wrong. You wouldn't make the comment " your child provoked mine that's why my child hit yours "

Nikki yes. Parenting is done differently , but my point is these parents are the kind that believe their children do no harm and would be the first to complain if their child was hurt etc.

[ChoudeBruxelles]

Fucking hate "boys will be boys" as an excuse for shit behaviour and parenting.

I've basically broken off a friendship recently because of that attitude after years of ds getting upset with other child's violent and excluding behaviour.

[youarenotkiddingme]

There are plenty of parents out there who excuse their child's behaviour.

However now my DS is older Ive come to realise those parents are actually often lacking in self esteem in their own ability to parent. So a vicious cycle begins.
Child misbehaves, parent doesn't have confidence to deal with it, child gets self of entitlement and behaves worse, parent feels more in above their head and so on.

I often then see them develop into the "my child would never do that" camp until the child ends up lacking in friends once they near end of juniors.

Ime though of the parents like this they have eventually realised they need to put in to get out with regards behaviour and they've stepped up.

I do realise though some children do go through life with parents who don't parent them - I feel for those children really.

[SenoritaViva]

I read your post as saying it was time we all went to thank god, which made me think it was a funny play are . Very annoying parent by the way.

[WiMoChi]

My LG is a hitter pincher biter etc. Every time she does it I remove her and tell her no it hurts etc.

It's so mortifying and hard and I'm sure we will lose friends. It's completely and utterly unacceptable on our behalf. But I literally do not know what else to do. Don't believe in shouting or hitting a child so won't use that. I always apologise profusely to the victim.

Having said that it is always provoked and she can't say 'no don't take my toy.' Which is usually when this happens for us. Or if she gets a stealth whack or kick or pinch form another child, which the parent often doesn't see but I do as I watch her like a hawk to avoid these scenarios. IYSWIM. Then my LG gets a telling off but the other one doesn't. In fact I've had parents excuse their kids behaviour recently. Oh she would never do that first. Yeah ok 🙄

It's a tough one OP IMO. ✌️

[hotdiggedy]

Goodness. I'm talking about them using tiredness as an excuse when they are not tired, just being a pain.

[mikado1]

Really? My ds2 (4) isn't worth taking out when really tired often up at 5.30 he gets so frazzled and it's a nightmare, easier to stay home and expend less energy. Agree that the parent's lack of response here would annoy, particularly boys will be boys comment.

[hotdiggedy]

It is very annoying when parents excuse their childs behaviour by saying its because they are tired.

[Vinorosso74]

I think everyone has tough days so most parents do struggle an make excuses some days. However, one thing you say is the "boys will be boys" comment. That really annoys me as if boys can get away with behaving differently to girls and parents allow differong behaviours....

[NickiFury]

I don't know because I don't know any parents like this. I know parents who parent differently to me but I don't sit with all my friends in mass judgment on them together so maybe that's the difference?

I'm not even trying to be awkward, I just don't know these soft ineffectual parents that crop up so often on MN. I know plenty of kids who have off days/weeks etc and their parents struggle with parenting them sometimes (I am one of them) though.

[Kungfupandaworksout16]

I just think it's a common thing with some parents that when their child is in the wrong, rather than apologise or admit fault they try to pass blame and I don't get why. My LO isn't old enough for this stuff yet, but I've taken my DNs out I wouldn't let them behave like this!
waitrose other examples were along the lines of boys being more boisterous, boys have more energy , he's just excited to be with all his friends. No valid excuses really.

Nicki Hardly slagging the child, it's the mothers behaviour I'm confused about. She should be guiding him and setting an example, he's a child who doesn't know much better. My question is why do parents of children like this allow the behaviour and try and pass the blame rather than tackle it head on. I'm sorry if you feel it's a " let's all pick on Bob thread "

[toobreathless]

I think some parents are pretty ineffective when it comes to actually parenting their DC.

But this is not the case with the vast majority of parents I know who definitely do not excuse their child's behaviour.

Saying that I have very little tolerance of bad behaviour from my DC or others and would not socialise with parents like Bob's.

[CoolCarrie]

An ex fiend of mine had 5 dcs, the oldest ds is a bloody nightmare.
My parents bought our ds a remote control sailing ship for his birthday which took us ages to set up as we had to string all sails etc. The little sod, the oldest one 9, decided to undo the whole thing 😡, her excuse was ' he wants to see how it fitted together, he is so clever etc, I said if he is that bloody clever, he can put it all together again, which of course he couldn't

He was a jealous wee boy , pure and simple! I used to feel a bit sorry for him as he did not chose to have so many siblings and there wasn't a lot of money around, but the finisher from me was when the boy tried to drown my ds in swimming pool, i went nuts, and we haven't seen them since, thank goodness! Some kids need reining in, especially if it's causing harm to others, it is as simple as that imho!

[Comedyusername]

My boy is 3 and if he acted up like that I'd be having a word about the rough play and apologise and probably make some excuses too