How often do you forget to say please?

[WanderingNotLost]

DP and I, at the end of a perfectly nice evening, are now going to sleep on a row. We were lying in bed listening to the radio, a song came on, I said "oh, I love this song, turn it up" to which he responded with "... please." It's not like I barked an order at him or said it in a rude way!
Last time it happened we were away for the weekend with his family, he was going up to get a drink at breakfast and I asked him if he could get me an orange juice. Exactly the same response from him, except that time it was in front of his whole family. I was so embarrassed.
I just feel really pissed off now. I forget to say please sometimes, it's hardly a bloody crime, and now he's gone and spoiled A nice evening because of it. I was happily snuggled on his chest, now I've got up and sat in the living room because it's wound me up that much I don't feel sleepy anymore.
Does anyone else do this? And it's your OH as much of a dick about it as mine??

[AuroraBora]

I have a friend that does this. It's so fucking irritating!

I am actually someone who is paranoid about offending people so when I ask him for something I would say "would I be able to have x?" or something similar, which is clearly polite, but I wouldn't always say please as I can sound overly formal.

He seems to have got it into his head that one of his friends never says please and that it's me!! When I told him he was wrong and thinking of someone else (I know he was because he said "oh we've discussed before that you never say please", and we've never had that fucking chat!!!) he told me to stop making excuses I am currently avoiding him.

[FastWindow]

What are you doing now op? Still on that sofa, trying to find some sense?

I lived with a man with strange values for four years. After i left, i went back to my normal values. For ever. It was like the lifting of a fog.

[WanderingNotLost]

Yep, still on the sofa! As soon as it happened I instantly felt less inclined to cuddle him so I sat up to take my make-up off- he immediately rolled onto his side and hasn't said a word since. He's now asleep.
It just drives me so nuts! All evening he's been my lovely, sweet, affectionate DP who I adore, we've had a nice chilled out time watching telly and cuddling on the sofa, and then he has to spoil it by acting like a twat over something so utterly inconsequential.

[FastWindow]

aurora your friend is clearly a nut.

I'm the opposite, I'm a people pleaser and also not easily offended. I assume from the outset that noone actually sets out that day to offend me personally and I live by that. Everyone has their own shit, and that's how they live their day.

[whatamockerywemake]

I was reading this thread and was preparing to go against it for two reasons:

If I say to DH "would you like a coffee" he says "go on then" (as though he's doing me a favour for me to make him one!). It irks me beyond belief. Would it REALLY be so hard for him to say "yes, please"? I've called him out on it, and he now does. I can't explain it, but I'm happier making him a coffee when he says "yes please". It didn't hurt me when he said go on then, but it irked me, and I resented doing it. When he says "yes please" I'm happy to do it.

It's the same with friends of my DD and also foster children we've had over the years. I know it's irrational, but I don't resent doing things for people who say "please", but I do resent it if they don't.

"Please" really is the magic word.

HOWEVER, having RTT, I think your DH is a dick, and intimate moments and in front of his family both excuse you. So ignore me, and it's a YANBU from me!

Also, I don't notice if my DD says please or thank you (although I ALWAYS notice if her friends do or don't) because my love for her trumps it to the point I don't notice. This is significant in your thread, I think.... Your relationship with DP is supposed to trump inconveniences (my DH doesn't because we've been married too long!)

[FastWindow]

Well wandering you're no spring chicken.

Have a chat with him about his patronising shit. If this is a serious relationship (ie, headed for marriage , children, grandchildren and eating Rich Tea together) then nip this in the bud.

He doesn't sound like a keeper though, hope I'm wrong.

[whatamockerywemake]

Just read with what I've x-posted. I would just say manners aren't "inconsequential" as a general rule. It doesn't trump intimate moments (I REALLY don't think you have to say please when dozing on his chest!), but if you think manners aren't important, then - actually - I'm having some sympathy for him.

Manners ARE important. They open doors. My mum used to tell me 'you can't be wrong by doing right'. Manners are always right. I think they matter. If you don't, then you're probably taken as rude. They're not hard to use, so why not use them? It's not hard, actually, to say please. And it makes a difference (to me). Not every request, but on balance.....

[DeadGood]

This would bore me to tears. I'm surprised at all the people in here saying "I never ever forget". Like, literally every time you ask for ANYTHING, ever, even with your husband or partner, you say please? Really?

I must be pissing people off constantly

[WanderingNotLost]

Mockery I don't think they're unimportant all the time, as I said there are many situations where I would absolutely always mind my Ps and Qs- I guess when the person I'm speaking to is my fiancé and I'm only asking something very easy, I don't automatically tack a 'please' on the end. Just like it wouldn't bother me if I had the water jug out and he asked me to top up his glass without saying please.

[FastWindow]

Op has not said manners arent important.

[cariboo]

My "please" reflex is automatic. It was drilled into me from babyhood. But this is too much; what a killjoy!

[WanderingNotLost]

Also FWIW I'm almost certain that he doesn't say please every time he asks me to do something. But then, it's not the sort of thing I'd notice

[FastWindow]

mockery

In our house any offer of a tea or a coffee is gold. Doesn't mean 'oh god, yeah!' isn't an acceptable response.

'You didn't say Please' would result in some very pulled in necks.

[FastWindow]

I might start noticing if i were you op.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I'm a bad person but I'm imaging some peoples sex lives... "Get your clothes off now... Please" "harder baby... Please and thank you"

[AnnaMarlowe]

Good manners are extremely important to me.

However I'm strongly of the belief that "please" can be tacit. You don't always have to actually say the word for it to be implied. Casual conversation within families would be quite odd if you said "please" or "thankyou" every two minutes.

I have a dear friend who is a bit like your DP though. She has an unfortunate tendency to bark "please" at my children even if they have phrased their request in a perfectly polite and respectful fashion.

Her own kids (though lots of fun) are a bit too full of back chat for my taste but she is happy enough for them to yell a peremptory "Cake, please!"

If my DC smile and say "May I have another slice of your lovely cake Auntie Susan?" The response is Please?

As far as I'm concerned it's all in the tone of your original question.

[thedogstinks]

This morning I had a coffee in a cafe. The waiter came to remove my empty cup. We 'know' each other as I go in there often.

I looked up from my paper, smiled, and said: "hiya. I'll have one more".

If I'm getting a drink from the fridge, my husband might say "while you're there..." And I'll know he wants one two.

They are both perfectly normal and non-rude interactions, imo.

[Joinourclub]

I have said 'please' so many times in my head now reading this thread, that it sounds like a made up word! I do tend to say please, but I agree that tone is far more important than the word itself. Personally I am more concerned about saying / being told 'thank you'!

[daisychain01]

We'd probably be seen as the ruddest couple going, if anyone heard us! To us, it's verbal shorthand combined with taking the piss.

We often say things like - where's that coffee then? Haven't you made it yet?

Either that, or excessive patronising courtesy

Would you be so kind as to stick the kettle on, there's a good chap/woman. Thank you so very much.

[NotYoda]

I say please most of the time, but if you are a couple, then it's implied most of the time.

It sounds like he wants something to pick on to be irritable with you about

Sometimes DH barks orders like he's Basil Fawlty, but he's often doing an impression of Basil Fawlty

I think thank you is more important to me

[NotYoda]

anyway, this isn't about us, is it?

Your DH sounds like he's trying to be authoritarian and you know it feels wrong. Nothing any of us say should impact on your reaction to it

[WanderingNotLost]

Well this morning he's back to waking me up with kisses and cuddles... I suspect he knows he's been a dick. Which is all very well and good... til the next time he does it!

[AppleSetsSail]

That's incredibly weird and not the way that bedtime chatter should unfold.

[arethereanyleftatall]

It is perfectly possible to exist in a relaxed, not stuffy, non boring, non formal (I think that's all the insults that have been used so far in this thread) household, whilst including please (or version thereof) within a request for something.

Like others have said, if you have been brought up saying please, it's automatic, and It sounds so strange when omitted.

[SantinoRice]

To my partner? I forget to say please all the time. As does he.

To my nana? Never. Ask him if he wants a partner or nana relationship.