AIBU to not want Doctor BIL's professional advice?

[XLFactor]

Just want to get some perspective here.

Have recently had some health ups and downs resulting in a stay in hospital. Dr BIL now wants to question me on every aspect of my case so that he can give me "lifestyle advice. "

During recent family gathering, DH and MIL "helpfully" answered his questions as I sat in silence bloody seething.

I've never asked his professional advice before and really just don't want to discuss it with him. Have tried laughing off /ignoring his "interviews" but he's clearly not getting it.

WIBU to just blurt it out for him to mind his own bloody business?

[junebirthdaygirl]

My dh is a health professional. He has the opposite problem. No one in his family will take medical advice or medication prescribed until they have run it by him first. He would rather not be involved and usually says follow all doctors instructions and adds a little more to keep them happy. But he would never instigate the conversation and it actually suits him better to keep things separate. Unfortunately your bil needs this spelt out to him as is lacking in cop.

[XLFactor]

Thanks all for your views.

DH swears blind they'd not talked beforehand although he "didn't really think anything of" his brother's questioning. Apparently he was helpfully filling in the gaps because I was busy avoiding the 3rd degree sorting the food and drinks.

Also didn't occur to DH that I'd mind as he's heard me on the phone talking about my hospital stay and illness with my sister

He's now on side and has promised to shut them down if it happens again. BIL is far older than us (16 years older than DH, 20 yrs on me) and I do find myself relating to him like an uncle rather than BIL.

[whydidhesaythat]

Stupid to suggest that you should just "not be rude" - as said above, illness makes you vulnerable...

some great suggestions already, here is mine:
"i think what I'll do is definitely follow up on that with my doctor, thanks Bob I appreciate your concern"
keep saying that if he says anything else. Practise it!

[P1nkP0ppy]

DH not do*

[P1nkP0ppy]

Your do needs to shut up and respect your privacy, not discuss it with his family, GP or no GP.
I'd be bloody furious. I actually don't discuss my health with a my DH because he can't keep his mouth shut, unless it's absolutely necessary.

[Ifonlylovewouldsavetheday]

Don't feel bad about not being assertive so far, when you have a medical condition it can affect your confidence and it is not easy to immediately change your lifestyle. When you do tell him or dh you don't want to discuss it, make it simple and clear. Saying I don't want to bore you or it's complicated is not clear enough as he might respond with 'not at all' and carry on.

[JapaneseSlipper]

"He should be fully aware (as any professional in a field where this is usual) that boundries are perticulally important in these situations, he runs the risk of giving incorrect advice based on not having full access to the required information with no protection to the person he is advising as well as being more likely to allow personal feelings to impact on the advice he does give.

He should know full well that the advice he gives has almost no value at all unless that advice comes with full access to the medical history."

That is presumably why the BIL has made a point of saying he "wants to question me on every aspect of my case".

I'm not saying that what this guy is doing is correct. But I also struggle to believe that he is at home, twirling his moustache and plotting to ruin the OP's life with his unwanted professional advice.

He clearly thinks he is helping. And yes, the OP could bottle up her feelings and then explode, or she could say something reasonably and not cause unnecessary awkwardness.

[XLFactor]

Moving on, think I like that approach.

In the meantime, waiting for hubby to get home tonight for a chat about exactly how much had been said to his relatives.

[JudyCoolibar]

I do agree that this is an assertiveness problem. If you sat there in silence whilst other people talked about you, it's not surprising that BiL thought you were OK with it. You need to tell your DH now that it must never happen again, and both of you need to be on the alert to shut the discussion own if there is any repetition. If he approaches it via concerned inquiries about your wellbeing, you're now entitled say "We've discussed this enough, no need to bore you any further with it."

[2rebecca]

Most doctors I know are wary of giving advice to family members even if advice is asked for.
I would get him on one side in private and ask him not to discuss your medical condition in public like that again and tell him family members are entitled to confidentiality just like his patients.
How much he's overstepping boundaries depends to an extent on how much you discuss your illness though. If you rarely mention it and prefer to keep your health concerns private then his behaviour is very inappropriate. If you like to tell everyone every detail of your problem and exactly what the doctor said and which tests you had and go on about it at length then he maybe feels that you are OK with your illness being discussed.
You aren't happy with it so should just tell him so, and probably tell your family your health isn't a subject for family gossip.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Actually, yes, I agree with PPs - WHY have you not just told him you'd rather not say? And WHY have you not told your DH you'd rather not discuss it with your BIL? Your MIL is clearly a different animal and you may have more difficulty telling her to back the fuck off, but seriously you need to tell your DH that it's private to you and you don't need your BIL's input as you have your own doctor!

[Aspergallus]

Doesn't sound like a BIL problem, more an assertiveness one. First time this happened you should have made a simple and polite statement declining his advice or any further discussion.

[Lynnm63]

If he starts again just say I appreciate your concern but I don't need a second opinion I'm perfectly happy with my current medical professionals.

[pigsDOfly]

You have to right to your privacy OP, he has no right to cross over and invade that privacy unless invited.

As pps have said, tell him it's something you're not prepared to discuss with anyone except your own doctor/specialist.

Really sympathize with your feelings here. When my marriage really started to go south, my then husband told me he'd been discussing our problems with the GP BIL of one of his friends and had asked him to recommend a counselor; that certainly didn't help our marriage, I can tell you.

[diddl]

Sounds as if you might have a husband problem!

WTF was he answering questions & why didn't you tell him & his mum to stop?

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

"It's ok, I've already got a very good doctor who knows what s/he's doing thanks".

Let him take that how he will.

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

He probably just wants to help and it's obvious someone concerned about you asked him to do so
No need to be upset, just tell him politely that it's quite personal and you're not ready to discuss it yet...

[mrgrouper]

I had this with my GP sister. I am totally nc with her for other reasons. She kept asking me what medication I was taking. I told her it was none of her business.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Stop laughing off or ignoring his requests, and start talking to him. Do you realise how often people in his profession get asked for free advice? It's a big thing, I hear it all the time. I can only assume that he considers his knowledge to be a worthwhile commodity, and he is offering it to you for free

He should be fully aware (as any professional in a field where this is usual) that boundries are perticulally important in these situations, he runs the risk of giving incorrect advice based on not having full access to the required information with no protection to the person he is advising as well as being more likely to allow personal feelings to impact on the advice he does give.

He should know full well that the advice he gives has almost no value at all unless that advice comes with full access to the medical history.

I don't know about doctors but I do know in two of the positions I hold qualifications in a huge deal is made about it during study and training

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

He's crossing boundaries. Tell him so, and that you consider it unprofessional of him, since he's not YOUR GP.

And tell your DH to stop yapping about it to him behind your back, if it turns out that's what he's been doing.

[JapaneseSlipper]

OP I can totally understand your point of view.

However, having just come out of a rather heated discussion with my very "passive aggressive but doesn't know it" partner, your unwillingness to actually say what's on your mind is jumping off the screen at me.

Stop laughing off or ignoring his requests, and start talking to him. Do you realise how often people in his profession get asked for free advice? It's a big thing, I hear it all the time. I can only assume that he considers his knowledge to be a worthwhile commodity, and he is offering it to you for free.

The fact that you don't want it is totally up to you. But I would say that the majority of people would like to receive help in this way, and he assumes you are one of them.

He is wrong.

So don't "ignore" him or "laugh it off", because, as you say, he is clearly not getting it. He needs to actually hear you say the words. No need to blurt out that he should mind his own business. Why would you be happy to be rude, without first doing him the favour of actually telling him how you feel in a calm way?

[TheHuntingOfTheSarky]

He clearly wasn't paying much attention at medical school when they taught them about not crossing boundaries.

If any member of my family ever even used the term "lifestyle advice", never mind try to give me some of it, I'd tell them to fuck off.

[XLFactor]

@Chas, he's a village GP - no particular expertise coming close to my condition.

[XLFactor]

To give him the benefit of the doubt, do you think your DH or MIL have asked his advice 'on your behalf'?

Hadn't thought of that actually - will quiz DH tonight.