To think MIL has no right to get involved with this? (Wedding related)

[Moogerbooger]

Hi all,

First post so please be gentle!

I'm getting married next year and (fortunately) my parents have offered to pay the majority of the wedding costs. However, I am also saving and want to pay off as much as I can afford to- making sure I've paid for all the deposits so far and have an increasing amount saved up.
My MIL to be doesn't have much money so will be paying for the suits and that's it. This is absolutely fine- she can't afford much and we don't expect her to give anything. However, she keeps making digs at my fiancé asking why we have paid the deposits and asking why isn't my mother paying for them if she's offered to pay for the wedding.

AIBU to think that she has no right to ask this? I am incredibly grateful to my parents in helping us to pay but there's no way I'd let them pay for everything themselves, knowing I have money saved up.

She has mentioned this several times and it's really starting to annoy me!

[OurBlanche]

I don't know where you get the impression that I have 'blanked' her but this is certainly not the case. I don't think you have 'blanked' her, and didn't say so. But you seem to be holding in something that threatens to burst. I'd hope you can talk to her, before it does.

I think I will have to try to not let this annoy me and just explain the situation clearly to her. Try to do it without patting her on the head. If you have had a good relationship with her up until now, assume she has good intentions rather than bad.

Not necessarily for her sake, but for yours. Don't let whatever this is take the shine off your wedding preparations, or your relationship with your stbDH.

[Moogerbooger]

Yes Becky that might be the case.

Sonjadog yes I think you might be right. I think she has good intentions- we've always had a good relationship. I think I will have to try to not let this annoy me and just explain the situation clearly to her.

[sonjadog]

I wonder if she is concerned that you are getting yourselves into debt for the wedding. Maybe she thinks your parents have backed out of paying for it all and you suddenly have to step in? Next time she brings it up, ask her why she is concerned about this and make it clear that your contribution was always planned. I would assume her intentions are good at this stage. Don't go in and create a conflict now.

[BeckyMcDonald]

She's embarrassed. If your parents had been paying for the whole lot then that would have been the 'traditional' way of doing things and she would have felt OK about not contributing much. As it is, because you're also contributing, it's now not being done the 'traditional' way so she probably feels a bit guilty and embarrassed that she can't cough up a third of the cost.

I'd just ignore her when she starts on about it. Just change the subject every single time.

[happyhearts7]

WiMoChi
Mother of groom should turn up and shut up at a wedding

I have 5 sons.. I desperately hope and pray that none of their girlfriends have the same opinion as you

I have no daughters, so in your opinion I have no wedding planning to look forward too for my own children

[Moogerbooger]

Navy
She did assume. It's because my parents are very well off and she isn't. She simply could not afford to pay for it and that's absolutely fine. That's not the issue at all. The issue is that, after finding out WE are paying the deposits/also saving to pay some of it off (from a conversation with my DP last week), she is suddenly quite angry. As though my parents should be paying for all of it.

OurBlance of course I've spoken to her. She has been more included in the wedding planning than my own mother (we lost my grandmother recently so my mother's mind is elsewhere at the moment). I don't know where you get the impression that I have 'blanked' her but this is certainly not the case. I don't mind her having an opinion/being involved in the wedding planning but I find it quite unfair that she expects my parents to pay for everything if I am able to. Just because my parents are well off, it doesn't mean I'm going to bleed them dry! This is what it feels like she wants us to do.

[WellyMummy]

You need to sort this before it gets worse.

Do you know the full tradition behind the bride's parents paying for the wedding? BP paid for the wedding and the groom's parents paid for their first home.

[OurBlanche]

mother of the groom should turn up and shut up

The mother of my groom coudn't afford to help pay for the wedding, so she did a deal wth a travel agent friend and lent us her car for our honeymoon.

At the wedding she got herself into her usual legless pickle and was generaly egged on by my dad... a fairly ratarsed, knicker flashingly good time was had by all!

I love all the 'Tell her nothing, Pike' posts... remind me... what is the groom for? Oh yes, bugger all to do inside a relationship... of course he should cut his mum off when he gets a girlfriend who is about to become his wife. Mums, sorry, the grooms mum becomes redundant at that point, doesn't she?!?!

Mooger have you tried, you know, talking to her ? Maybe not getting an answer, being blanked by her DIL to be is starting to annoy her... she is allowed to worry about her son, be involved in his life, even after you are married!

[flowery]

Very odd in this day and age to assume brides parents are paying. I don't think I know of anyone for whom this was the case.

How does she know you are paying these deposits OP? Seems odd to guess that?

[rwilkinson84]

It's not any of her business who pays for what.

I agree with PP if you gently approach any more of her questioning with "What is it that concerns you about us paying deposits?"
It's likely she's concerned about the fact that she's not contributing as much and if so then you can deal with this as a couple and sort it out.

It could also turn out that she thinks she has a say in how her son spends his money…might be wrong but just throwing it out there. And if it is it gives you the perfect opportunity to set some boundaries and gently remind her that you and your FIs finances are absolutely nothing to do with her and it's actually quite rude to enquire about other people's finances.

It could be a multitude of things so I might be totally wrong but it's worth setting the boundaries and dealing with this now so you don't run in to problems later on.

How's your FIs relationship with his DM?

[BerylMeeps]

mother of the groom should turn up and shut up

The mother of the groom actually paid for most of my wedding. She's lovely, and knew we didn't have much money, and neither did my parents. So she decided she'd pay, because she wanted us to have a day we'd dreamed of, not a cut cost do.

They are allowed an opinion.

BUT Op YANBU she is being a bit nosy.

[sparechange]

navy
Why?
A lot of people would assume the bride's parents will pay for the wedding
OPS MIL has assumed this, and is mostly correct.
How utterly bizarre for you to see this as unlikely

[Pimmmms]

I guess she's of the old fashioned view that the parents of the bride pay for the whole wedding, so not really a GUESS.

[TheNaze73]

This really has got fuck all to do with her. I'd get your DP to have a word

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

Some people think that if other people have money, they ought to be spending it. It's a very odd attitude but I've seen it before.

[mum2Bomg]

I agree with Wolpertinger - she doesn't need to know the details! Keep as much information about payments etc away from her. She isn't entitled to an opinion on this.

[Wolpertinger]

Tell her as little as possible. Cheery and vague as much as you possibly can and practice some phrases:
We haven't decided yet
We'll think about it
That's a good idea

And so on.

[Headofthehive55]

Some people are just very grabby.

[Moogerbooger]

Bogeyface I have never told her. She just assumed from the very beginning and assumed (mainly) right. I think she assumed they'd pay for everything though and now she has found out that we are also saving/contributing she seems quite angry.

[Moogerbooger]

Goldbear that sounds firm but fair. Thanks.

[Moogerbooger]

Yes that is probably the case, she has always had money problems so is probably concerned.
However, SHE is the one pushing for a big wedding. I have had to reign her in on a few occasions - wanting lots of extra things that I just don't want. So I don't think she is too concerned about spending my parents' money- just seems she doesn't want her son to pay towards it which is unfair if we can afford to.

[GoldBear]

I would be friendly and clear with her right now, right from the start, and are with the suggestion from NayaDeles
For a reply maybe "Yes, we're paying the deposits, of course we couldn't expect anyone to pay for all of our wedding. We're grateful for any help anyone can give us, anything at all, no matter how small the help we are very grateful.
Don't just 'let it lie', challenge it very very gently now, showing love and appreciation towards your very generous parents, "after all, nobody really expects the parents to pay all the bills now we are older", etc.
Don't cause a scene, but do state the facts,

[Bogeyface]

Why did you tell her that your parents are paying if its none of her business, especially if they are not actually paying for it all as she seems to think.

If it isnt then dont tell her, and if you tell her then you make it her business surely?

She is obviously insecure about the amount they are paying compared to her contribution and is showing that in her snippy attitude. I would say that the best way to respond is "They offered but that doesnt mean we are taking them up on it, we are saving up to pay for most of wedding ourselves".