they made my baby sick

[Ilovetea82]

Aibu
Husband wants to go see some former colleagues of his that are back in town visiting.
Last time we seen them lo was 6 weeks old and they happily let their toddler who had hand foot and mouth disease kiss him (I was in an exhausted bubble at the time so didn't really comprehend the seriousness of what was happening) lo got sick, I got a lecture from our doctor about the seriousness of it and how her lg had developed complications and been in hospital and how I was putting others at risk by even coming to the surgery.

Anyway I am refusing to go see them and don't want hubby to take lo, happy for him to go though... Help!!!

A few years ago, both of my DC had the 'pox. My DS (11) had brought it home from school - because, if I remember rightly, the child who had it originally's parents didn't know it was contagious. At the time, his stepmother and aunt were both pregnant, and there were two small toddlers wandering around whenever my DS went there EOW for a few hours (that's my DC' father's choice, incidentally - only spending 18 hours a month with our DS is, actually, what he wants... he hasn't acknowledged DD [19] now for almost a full decade).

So, knowing the complications that the 'pox can cause to pregnancies, and not wanting the two toddlers (one "belonged" to the stepmother, the other to the aunt) to catch it - particularly my DS' little sister as she was prematurely born and has health complications as a result of that, anyway - I called my ex-MIL and said "DC has the 'pox, he won't be able to visit with you all this coming Saturday because of the potential risk to [stepmother and aunt] and to [younger sister]. Plus he's very clingy and isn't happy to let me out of this sight right now because of how poorly he feels..."

Well, you would have thought I'd refused them access to him on a permanent basis. I got the whole "children get sick, herd immunity, blah, blah, blah" speech - to which I said, very simply that I'm not actually responsible for other people's children, only my own, and that I was trying to be considerate and prevent the unborn sibling/cousin and the gravid mothers from suffering complications as a result. Not to mention that if they'd tried to separate my DS from me at that point in time, he would have been distraught (he was like a little limpet - I couldn't even pee by myself!) which may well have made him worse.

But the lesson I took from that episode is that selfish people make selfish parents/grandparents. And friends. (And that my DC's stepmother and uncle are, fortunately, very reasonable people who saw my point immediately, and agreed with me).

Stick to your gut instinct, OP. If they're that blase about infection when around a 6 week old baby... then who knows what else they're dismissive of!

Ywnbu to be pissed of at the time, though when you say I was in an exhausted bubble at the time so didn't really comprehend the seriousness of what was happening it sounds as though they told you and you didn't stop their lo kissing yours. If that's the case you are as responsible as they are.

However to hold a grudge over that for 2 years is definitely unreasonable. Nobody was seriously injured. Nobody died. They probably didn't know it could be serious either. To not see them now because of that would be ridiculous

Yeah, just let your DH go and see them, after all they're his colleagues.

One of the women at my playgroup turned up with her DS, aged 3, suffering from scarlet fever. I wasn't there that day but I got a message from one of the other mothers asking if she WBU to be pissed off that this mother-of-infected-child had a) brought him along (there are tiny babies there too) and b) not told her til the end of playgroup, thus not giving her the chance to take her own child away.
In fact, she didn't tell any of the other mothers at all that her DS had scarlet fever, they found out through the grapevine. As far as we know, no one caught it but one of the babies was ill later that week.

As it's 2 years down the line, I guess their then-toddler would be 4 by now, and if they apply the same logic of don't-careness to his behaviour as they do to his infectiveness, then I can understand why you wouldn't want to take your child along.

This is as much about your sense of guilt at being present and allowing their tot to kiss your baby as frustration at their attitude towards illness. Kids get ill, now yours is older he probably has as much chance of infecting theirs so yabu now.

You didn't notice the child climbing all over your newborn had infected HF&M? That's on you. Exhausted bubble or not.
You didn't want to cause a scene. You didn't need to. Just say "I'm sorry. I didn't realise your child was ill. We will leave. Hope he's better soon"
You don't want "people like that" round your child. You sound rude
Holding a grudge for two years over a common childhood illness. Yes YABU!

We have some friends who recently had a baby...we cancelled a visit because our DD had a cough and cold. I would not allow my dc near a newborn if they were ill at all.

I'm kind of with OP, tbh, even though I'm normally lax about germs (I find the angst about catching chickenpox ridiculous, for instance).

It's the cavalier attitude towards spreading germs that would worry me. Knowing your kid has something annoying & not trying to prevent it being passed on. They could have made sure their toddler had no direct contact with another baby, especially a tiny one. I'd be afraid that now their little one has an active vomitting bug the parents don't realise how contagious that is.

yanbu is thinking they should not have let an infected child kiss your baby (if they knew)

YABVU to still be obsessing about it 2 years later

also your GP sounds like an asshat - massive overreaction to a normal childhood virus

Certain people never learn about not infecting others. They didn't care about your tiny baby or the others children at the nursery then. I would be concerned now.

Several years ago DH and I went away for a break with a group of people. One person had her mother visiting from abroad and she came along. All fine except that she sat opposite me in the restaurant telling me she had d&v and couldn't eat much. Thanks lady. I spent the whole of the rest of the trip in my room on coke and dry biscuits desperately preventing my body from vomiting because I get very very ill when I vomit endlessly, pass out and have to be monitored. Apparently if I get that bad again, I should go to a&e - but who wants a person to bring d&v to a&e??

So no, yanbu. I'm still really angry with that woman for ruining my holiday. Who comes with a highly infectious illness.

Holding a grudge for two years is a little on the crazy side IMO but I would have been annoyed in the original situation - but I would have appologsied and immediately left, now the kid is 2 it's completely different they come into contact with germs all the time.

You obviously don't want to go, so the answer is simple - don't go. These are not relatives, or close friends of your husband (guessing he hasn't seen them for two years either) so why you would have to go is beyond me, if the reason for not going is because your now 2 year old might get something from their child who might have something then let him go alone and stay at home with your child in bubble wrap.

It is just crazy IMO to use "the other kid might have a bug that might get my child sick" win you for the first instance as the child was 6 weeks old but not at 2, every two year old I've ever met us a germ magnet

There is a massive difference between knowing that your child will inevitably pick up illnesses in day to day life and another parent allowing their known-to-be-sick child to kiss a newborn baby.

YANBU OP, as others have said, this is indicative of their general attitude towards others and I wouldnt want to be friends with people like that.

You need to take that "single mindedness" and start using it more appropriately, like removing your child from these situations not holding a grudge for 2 years. You should either say something at the time, or during the consequences, or let it go - this is a ridiculous attitude and will only make you friendless and petty.

I think different people have different thresholds with exposure. I know people with small babies who feel rejected when friends bail on them repeatedly in the name of not infecting their wee one with a cold. Usually second children are a bit more exposed, just because they already live with a snotty toddler and their parents are more laid back. The fact they told you meant they were putting the ball in your court. You both played a role, probably being all British and polite, you need to see that.

Get over it. At the very most you should have DH ask how their child is in advance. If you are going to be sitting there with a face on, biting your tongue and feeling angry - then don't go, but don't take the moral high ground either.

I would of let it go by now, I'd go along to see them.
It was 2 years ago children will always get sick from other children, it's over now and baby is fine so now harm done.

You say you was exhausted so didn't understand the situation, that sounds like you knew there child was unwell but didn't stop your child being kissed? It this is the case you were just as responsible as them

It sounds like you knew that child was unwell but didn't stop your baby being kissed? If that is how it was exhausted bubble or not you are just as responsible.

After 2 years surely it is time to move on, why hold a grudge?