To manage my time as I see fit and not report to MIL every five minutes??

[DifferentDay]

Try to keep this brief. I am a researcher/ analysis type professional. I work from home three days a week and that time is spent analysing data and writing up research - very sedentary, but very intense. Mil has dcs either side of school these days, picks them, takes them to school and then picks them up and brings them home again. I don't work holidays and DH and I juggle the remaining school days.
Doing my job, plus having two kids and not making the wisest of choices, I have ballooned in weight. I therefore decided to do something about it and took up running at lunchtime the days I work from home, so three days a week I pop out at lunch (I've always taken a lunch break btw!) and go running (all in all with changing it probably takes 45min - 1 hour. Mil thinks this is out of order and moans that she doesn't look after my kids so I can 'swan about'. I've lost over two stone and she also seems to believe this is somehow because I am unhappy with DH (this is a ridiculous argument and DH and I very happy, regardless of my weight!)
I kind of get the argument if I took that time at either end of the day I could pick up or drop kids off but I don't believe working straight through with what I do is possible either, I just can't do it, my head would implode - and I've never done that! Regardless what I do with it, I need a break in the day. My other sore point in this is that I've argued with mil over kids, I wanted a childminder friend to do drop off and pick up for us, and us pay her, to keep it professional - to avoid exactly these types of problems. Mil was utterly against this and wanted to do it. To be fair to her she often takes kids to park after school etc and they love this time with her, and she is brilliant with them, but every day now she questions me on what I've done with my day, have I been running and I'm finding it a bit annoying. I do see her point but think my time is to manage as I see fit... AIBU

[RandyMagnum]

I don't think the OP should have to hide the fact or lie about what she does or doesn't do in her time, if the MIL doesn't like it she can fuck off. Sounds like she wanted the kids more anyways, so she can't essentially volunteer up her time, then criticise the OP on how she uses that time.

[HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky]

Do your children get to hear all these ideas she has about you and her opinions that you shouldn't be working etc?

If so I'd absolutely go for a paid childminder. I wouldn't want my life, my exercise, my work and my self undermined daily in front of my DC. No way.

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

so whilst you are out running the kids are in school, She does pick up and drop off around school hours.

I would threaten to take the kids to a CM if she really has a problem with this.

[incywinci]

Could you pay her for the time she looked after her? I know my mil would be seriously offended if I suggested it.

[rookiemere]

Does she moan directly to you?

If so you do the broken record: I get a lunch break and this is how I choose to spend it. I always had a lunch break you only know about it now because you see me out running.

Is looking after the DCs too much for you MIL, because I'm happy to get a childminder if it is?

Honestly she is looking after the DCs but it sounds like it's for everyone's benefit, not just yours. I'd be very unhappy with the snappy remarks and would feel the need to say something back. Hopefully she'll get the hint that her DC looking after days are numbered if she keeps going on about it.

[BirdintheWings]

Go all catastrophising on her.

'But MIL, do you know how bad it is to be sedentary all day without a break? I could get heart failure/DVT/back pain/carpal tunnel syndrome/osteoporosis/depression/vitamin D deficiency if I just sit inside and eat lunch like I used to. Won't anyone think of the children?'

[mommybunny]

KEEP RUNNING. And well done on losing 2 stone! I bet you feel fabulous, and you should!

It's so unfair that your MIL can't just be happy for you that you're setting a good example for your DCs, holding down a demanding job while getting control of your health, while at the same time giving her some time with her DGCs to treasure. I agree with all the PPs who advised that you very sweetly, and with much gratitude for what she's done so far, suggest that you change the arrangement to once a week if that and you get a childminder to do the rest. Then you can "swan about" all you want without a shred of guilt.

Good luck.

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

'But MIL, do you know how bad it is to be sedentary all day without a break? I could get heart failure/DVT/back pain/carpal tunnel syndrome/osteoporosis/depression/vitamin D deficiency if I just sit inside and eat lunch like I used to. Won't anyone think of the children?'

love this

[JessieMcJessie]

Are you self-employed? If not, you might want to mention to her that your employer has no issue with you running in your lunch hour.

I also love a pp's point about the fact that your DH can do what he likes in his lunch hour, and that the need for the kids to be looked after is because both of you are working.

Do you have any daughters? I'd be very worried about her trying to indoctrinate "women shouldn't work" ideas into them.

Finally, am shocked at the school raising behavioural issues with her without your and your DH's express permission. I thought schools were very strict about who they spoke to about such things, and that this was entirely separate from who was authorised to collect the kids from school. Would they do the same if the kids were collected by a childminder?

[knowler]

First off, huge congratulations on the running and losing 2 stone. That's really impressive. Second, I know it's hard when it comes to close family, but you've got to put yourself and your children first. And I think that in your case, that means for you to carry on exercising and being healthy, and to use a paid childminder during the school week. Obviously, this doesn't mean your MIL isn't ever going to see the kids again - make the point that she'll still be able to spend quality time with them at weekends and hols. But I absolutely couldn't be putting up with that kind of hassle and snidey remarks all the time. I also think the fact you have to ask the school to come to you directly with any issues is reason enough for you to change this arrangement.

the bottom line is that your MIL is well out of order on many levels and you will have a much easier and more pleasant life using a CM!!

[UnGoogleable]

I totally get why you can't 'just get a childminder'. No matter how annoying she is, your MIL clearly cherishes this time with the DCs and the DCs will benefit from having a close relationship with her.

So that leaves you with 2 options:

1. Lie to her. But you've explained why that's not feasible.
   
2. Talk to her about it.
   

Tell her that you really appreciate her having the DCs but that you need to take a break from work, and that running is your way of clearing your head and getting fitter at the same time. You are feeling uncomfortable about her questioning you and you would really like her to stop and have her get on board with you trying to lose weight.

If she is still unreasonable - then threaten to get a childminder.

[grannytomine]

As a MIL who does lots of childcare including when DIL goes to keepfit and running group I think she's nuts. Would it help if you used CM in the morning? She would get quality time with the kids after school but maybe less of a martyr? I must confess I find the mornings more difficult than after school, although I do the morning stuff when they sleep over so I get the full getting them up, persuading them to wash and eat and get dressed. Frequently hair brushing gets missed and if DIL saw them some mornings she might be less than thrilled. I usually have them two nights for sleepovers but sometimes more.

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

MIL: "Have you been running today?"

DifferentDay: "No, I was too busy shagging my fancy man"

(probably not helpful)

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

Next time she moans, say, in a surprised tone of voice, "oh! I thought you looked after them because you wanted to, because you enjoy it! If you're not enjoying it, we can get a childminder".

And the next time "we both know you look after them because you want to, quit whinging or you'll make me think I need a childminder"

[LilacInn]

Wow, this is a really good point: She reckons she doesn't look after your kids so you can swan about. Does your DH have a lunchbreak? Does she mind looking after her son's children while he "swans about" taking the break to which he is legally entitled?

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I think moving to one day a week after school for a park visit with DGM, and CM for other days might be an idea? Not sure about before school though, not sure what's available?
I think I'd be inclined to change things a bit though, if that's an option?

[MariaSklodowska]

" Does your DH have a lunchbreak? Does she mind looking after her son's children while he "swans about" taking the break to which he is legally entitled? "

excellent point and one which OP should use when she asks her MIL if she is sure she wants to do the childminding.

[ArgyMargy]

Congratulations OP you are doing absolutely the right thing for yourself, your family and your future. How healthy is your MIL? Is there some jealousy going on there?

[ChowNowBrownCow]

When I was working my mum made me feel the same. It wasn't an option to have a childminder as I couldn't afford it, so I had to just swallow it. Then one day I was on a course and we all went for lunch at a pub, MOTHER was aghast as she saw me walk in, laughing and chatting, and apparently without a care in the world. I felt like a 7 year old who was truenting from school. Her view of work is that I should be head down all day, and miserable and biting into a sandwich when I can. I hated the arrangement and if i could afford to have changed it, then i would have in an instant! p.s. also had to hide any shopping I bought in my lunch hour as that was scrutinised too. i.e, how comes you can afford avacodo etc etc???

[blitheringbuzzards1234]

I would continue as you're doing now, well done for weight loss. If she asks about your day just say that you spent it working and how was her day? As for lunch time, everybody knows that for the good of your health you must get away from your desk to rest your eyes, give your mind something different to focus on and you return to the tasks refreshed and raring to go. If it's good for you it's good for DH and children as well as they benefit from a mother who's better rested, etc.

[FuriousFate]

I'm sorry but she's not as nice as you think she is. She sounds very manipulative and you'd be better off with a childminder!

[BoatyMcBoat]

I think your best bet is to ignore her little jibes. There isn't really a winning position otherwise. Try to let it wash over you. I do sympathise though.

[ImperialBlether]

Is she overweight? Are you succeeding where she failed?

You're in a no win situation. She doesn't like anything much, does she?

[JessieMcJessie]

Please do come back and tell us how you got on.

[happypoobum]

Exactly! She isn't looking after the DC for you is she? They have two parents don't they?

Agree with PP if she moans again, say you will get a CM if she doesn't want to do it any more, or only wants to do it if she can dictate how you spend your lunch break.