To not take my daughter?

[PirateFairy45]

Ok, my grandpa passed away 8 days ago and today is the first day we can visit in the funeral directors place.

My daughter is 3.5 years old and I am very conflicted. I'm unsure if I should take her to see him.

I want to do the right thing but my gut tells me I shouldn't but my brain is telling me I should do.

If I'm going, I'll be going at 10am so need advice ASAP.

What would you do?

[PirateFairy45]

The last time I saw him was a few minutes after he'd passed away. That was incredibly difficult xx

[JeanGenie23]

Hello just want to offer my condolences

Many years ago my nan died and my dad went to see her. He said it was his biggest regret because for a while that was the only image he had of her in his head. Then when my dad died a couple of years ago I was conflicted because I wanted to see him again, but I couldn't shake what he had told me about regretting it. So I didn't go. And I am glad I didn't. Truthfully I wanted to see him again because I hadn't got my fill of him, but I didn't want to be upset by his appearance. It's much better to look back fondly!

[PirateFairy45]

So in short. I'm not taking her.

My parents have been today and my father has told me, that he doesn't look like my grandpa, so if I go, prepare myself for a shock.

[PirateFairy45]

I just think she's struggling ATM. To comprehend it all.

My family dog which was her ' best friend' died later last year, My FIL died a few weeks ago and now my grandpa died last week. That's 1 beloved animal and 2 grandpa's she's lost in the last 6 months.

Not sure who said it about 'why would you even go to a funeral home' but is it a custom in many cultures

I've literally lost count of the funerals I've attended (family members, friends and service users (I work in care)). But my daughter won't be attending my grandpas funeral. The first half will be in a church and then we will go to the graveside. It's not suitable for a child, especially graveside.

Just struggling to cope with the loss ATM. Breaking down a lot, my memory is hazy and my temper is extremely short.

[Savagebeauty]

I wouldn't.
But then I wouldn't go and view an open casket myself. Certainly never went to see my mum and I was 22.

[Purplebluebird]

Hope you didn't take her, I for sure wouldn't. I saw my mum minutes after she died, and the image haunted me for a long time after. And I was 25.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

DH's nan died recently. They are a Catholic family and did the whole open casket at home the night before the funeral thing. I had never liked the idea of this before, thought it was horrific and old-fashioned and at first the thought of the kids (12 and 10) seeing their great-nan in it was horrible and my first instinct was to say I would not allow it. But I talked it through with them. And they wanted to see her. It was the first time I had seen someone dead too so I had a look first and she looked very peaceful so I told the kids I thought they would be fine with it. And they were. We went in the room, said a little goodbye, then left. I think it helped with accepting that she had gone. At her burial they even wanted to throw Earth on the coffin like everyone else, their choice. It was a proper, final, ceremonial goodbye and in a way it was much less traumatic than any other funerals I have been to. It had felt like we were a part of the whole process and I felt it much better to do it that way, than have a last memory in my head of a relative alive and happy one minute then seeing the coffin disappearing behind a curtain at a cremation the next.

Of course everyone is different and knows their own child best, so it wouldn't be for everyone. But this family death has really changed my mind about how to approach the whole thing. We have all been very open about the fact that their great nan was dying of cancer, she was aware of it herself and was at peace with the idea and made plans for her own funeral etc. We all went to see her in hospital the day before she died knowing it would probably be the last time we saw her. She was poorly but managed a few words, including telling us that she didn't think she had long left. It sounds like it should have been awful but in a strange way it wasn't. She was in her mid-90s, had had a long and happy life and it just felt like her death was part of her life and everyone was very open and accepting if that, including the lady herself. The children were at her bedside and we treated it like a normal visit with them telling her their news etc.

She died next morning and I think the kids accepted it much better because of the openness about it all. No whispering behind closed doors or keeping anything from them.

Having said all this, my kids are at an age where we can discuss the whole thing and they can understand it. It will be different with a 3.5 year old. In the funeral home it could just look like the dead person is asleep and while kids the same age as mine would understand they are not just asleep, a 3.5 year old may not and may shout "wake up!" Which could be upsetting for all.

[littlemonkey5]

Redglitter
I understand that it is very common, however, personally I could not do it and I am glad I have never seen a relative at that stage, it would have been too upsetting. I think it would have been difficult for me to see my Dad again in that state, it's been 17 months since I had to do the unthinkable and every time I think about what I did, I start to cry. I know I would want to hug him and bring him back - it's been a very difficult time for us. Ironically, it used to be my job but it certainly affects you more when it is someone so close.

I didn't mean to offend anyone

[lljkk]

.. should say, DH did not take 3xDC to FIL's funeral. That wasn't appropriate for DC who would have fidgeted at best.

[lljkk]

DH took 5yo DS to see body of FIL. DC didn't know FIL well or care much about him, and DH had rather mixed feelings, too. The visit was fine. I don't know why DH needed to see the body, but I'm glad that we didn't make death a huge mystery to DC.

I think if you can allow for the natural behaviour of kids (usually not very sensitive to other people's feelings!) then it might be fine.
No one right answer, just expect kids to be kids.

[lalalemon]

I wouldn't at that age, but I would give her the choice if she were older.

My Grandpa died when I was 12, and I went to see him. My older brother didn't want to and all our cousins lived far away and were younger so didn't seem him either. I actually felt I had a responsibility to my brother and all my little cousins to say goodbye from all of them.
He just looked like he was asleep. I still to this am glad that I was given the option and that I went to see him.

[thesockgap]

I think 3 is a little bit too young. We are in a similar situation here - my mum died earlier this week and I had a call from the funeral directors last night to say we can visit her resting from Monday. We have 3 children between 9 and 16 and asked them whether they would like to see their Nana. They all said yes, but I have reassured them that if it comes to it and they feel they can't, that's fine. But equally I wouldn't have prevented them.
My sister in law died 5 years ago and was "laid out" at home, as is the custom in my DH's family. My older kids were then 11 and 8, and they wanted to see their auntie, but the little one was only 4 and I thought this was a bit too young.
I think it's really important that death isn't hushed up around kids, but equally you have to draw the line with what might upset them too much.
Your call of course, but I wouldn't take a child that small. I'd let them look at lots of photos instead and remember their loved one in happy times!

[Chorister]

I wouldn't take a small child to see an open coffin.

But both of my children (now 11 and 8) have been in the houses of their great grandmothers when their coffin was home (but closed) and touched the coffin, and said a wee prayer.

Both of them have attended funerals, both of relatives and of family friends, at my grandmothers funeral my son served on the altar and my daughter brought up the offertory.

I think it's important to take children to funerals, they need to say goodbye as much as we do, and it takes the fear of a funeral away from them.

But no to an open casket for them. I saw my Grandmother in her casket just last year and it was a hard thing to do, but I'm glad I did as she looked so peaceful.

[Hassled]

I found it very helpful seeing my Dad, awful as it was. We had our own little goodbye ahead of the funeral. I wish I had seen my mother - I think I struggled more subsequently because I hadn't. But it's no place for small children - it really is pretty horrible.

[runningincircles12]

I wouldn't even go myself. A dead body changes quite significantly since the time of death. They will presumably have put makeup on him etc but he won't really look himself. For me, that would be a difficult memory to have of the dead person and I would prefer to remember them as they were rather than seeing the open casket. I appreciate that for some religions, the open casket is important though.

[itsonlysubterfuge]

Why do you need to hide grief from your children? 3.5 is old enough to understand death to some degree. My FIL died just after DD turned 3, she saw him on his death bed, she understands he is dead and he isn't coming back. She doesn't talk about all the times when she saw him when he was sick, she talks about all the happy times she had with him. Sometimes she talks about him in a happy way, sometimes she is upset and gets tearful.

It's up to you whether you want to take your child, but I certainly wouldn't hide your child away from seeing him because she's too young or you can't be upset in front of her.

[werealljustpassengerstonight]

I can't cope with it. I find the images upset me. My cousin is the same. It's a very personal choice. Let her make it herself when she is much older.

[Charley50]

It's perfectly normal to see a loved ones body at the funeral home. I saw my brothers (we were both adults). It was traumatic but I wanted to see him.
I wouldn't take a child. I'd probably take them to the funeral though.

[Redglitter]

littlemonkey Not sure what's confusing. It's very common for families to see family members at funeral homes before the funeral. We went to see my dad. It was a chance to say our last private goodbyes.

I've always been glad we did

[KERALA1]

Absolutely not. Upsettingly my lovely grandfathers last words were "I don't want them to see me like this" when I, aged about 15, and my 2 younger sisters went to see him near the end.

I saw my granny laid out I was 19 it was very upsetting I wished I hadn't.

[Cheby]

Definitely not. I went to see my FIL to support my DH, I wasn't scared beforehand or anything but it was awful and I was really shaken by it. I don't think a 3yo can comprehend it really.

[5BlueHydrangea]

My dd was 14 when MIL died. Dh and I went to see her and invited dd but she was horrified at the prospect!
Probably better for you to go and say your goodbyes in peace without worrying about the needs of your child.

[chorltonloveswheelies]

Def no. A young child does not need to see a dead body