In-laws are at it again! (3rd thread about them)

[Woodenmouse]

I've posted twice before about how my in-laws are on another planet. They are at it again!
Quick background: they have no money and keep badgering us for money. they never listen to our wishes about visita etc. There's other stuff too but this ones money related again.

Pil bought dc loads of clothes the other day. Obviously gifts are appreciated but they always buy t-shirts for ds1 (he has 35 bloody t-shirts) we've repeatedly asked them not to buy him t-shirts but he always needs trousers and recently outgrew his jacket so if they wanted to spend their money on him these would be better. So they turned up with 10 t-shirts and 2 pairs of cheap shoes a size too small (ds1 also can't wear cheap shoes as he has insanely wide feet and cheap shoes cause him lots of pain,pil know we spend a fortune in properly fitted shoes). They also bought ds2 some new baby grows they've been repeatedly told that 11wk old as is massive and wears 6-9 month clothes. They have him 0-3 month clothes. I could have overlooked them spending money they don't have on things we can't use (and can't return because they only buy sales stuff) if they hadn't then said they couldn't pay rent. Mil then told dh that she wanted to go to Malta for her birthday (they are going to Malta next week for file birthday, spending money they don't have). Dh is now saying he is going to pay £130 for pil flights to go again at the end of the year for mil birthday. Dh and I have been on holiday together once and have never been away with dc because we can't afford to. I know that at some point as well pil will prob call and ask to borrow money. Aibu to be furious with them.

Sorry for long post

[Woodenmouse]

Oh sue that's awful. Pil but us all crap (anything on sale because they won't pay full price for anything). It's never anything we need/want they do it make us feel guilty. They will send us crap and then ring us begging for money.

[suesue89]

I know what you mean babe. Mil is the same I acutally don't speak to her because of her selfishness. They want money from us but what if I tell you they have never bought my daughter anything apart from bottles when she was born nearly 3 years ago. It's acutally funny when I think of how damn right rude and selfish Inlaws can be. just stick in there because that's their parents and we can't change that I just pray they move far far away looool

[Woodenmouse]

Sorry to hear that sue it wears you down doesn't it! Dh has debts because he was taking out loans to help them we've finally paid them off but it's still affecting our ability to get a mortgage. Mil then had the bloody cheek to say we were lucky we love in a new build council house! I admit i lost it a bit with her and told her we only live in it because she's ruined dhs credit rating and we are stuck here until we can get a mortgage - which fingers crossed will be in the next couple of years. then she acted all hurt that he had never said anything about money problems to her.

It's good your dh listens to you!!

[suesue89]

I feel like we have the same Inlaws and enabling husbands. I have a soon to be 3 year old and I'm pregnant with our second child. I woke up late last night to hear my husband having an argument over the phone with his father over money he is not in the country and calls at stupid hours demanding money. My Husband was like when I get paid I will give you some money but he was not having none of it saying I want you to send the money first thing tomorrow also saying when was the last time I asked you for anything. ( they may not ask all the time but when they do they want 300 pound and above ). I literally lost it and told my husband your family have no shame and they need to understand we have our family. Bare in mind he comes from a big family and they always lean on my husband because he has a good job and literally the sweetest person. Over the years I have grown distant from his family because of this I don't even speak to his mother. Personally I'm happy my husband listens to me but when they don't get the money they act dodgy towards me. Sorry for the long post I'm new here used to me a silent reader haha

[Azure83]

Sounds like DH is self-aware enough and understands the relationship with his parents is not healthy. I think he would benefit enormously from councelling to work through his childhood patterns and develop good coping strategies and boundaries. That's where the money should be going! Your whole family will be better off.

[JillJ72]

Hmmm, I wouldn't say "Wooden and I have decided", I think it may be better for DH to say "I have decided, and Wooden agrees, that...." - as they are his parents and he needs to stand up to them, with your support. Turn this around - can he imagine putting your children in the same position with you both, sending unwanted clothes and then asking for money....?

We have been there and done that - DH talked his parents through their finances instead of bailing them out; tough love but it helped more, and yes if they really were in the doo doo we'd help but we'd still want to talk through their finances to see how to help get them back on track again.

Send the clothes back to them. How else will they get the message?

[ClashCityRocker]

Re the dialysis - my fil had it in hospital 3 times a week.

Most EU counties have a reciprocal agreement where if you inform the hospital where you are going, they will find a space locally for you to have dialysis there. He goes to Spain twice a year. Only place so far that couldn't do it was lake Garda in Italy which was a shame as he wanted to go there.

[RaeSkywalker]

I know you've already decided this- but don't give them any more money. It's just enabling their behaviour.

Honestly though, I think your DH needs to tell them. He can say "Wooden and I have decided..." because you need to present a united front to these people, but the message needs to come from him. He's given in to their demands for years, he needs to take a stand- it's the only way things will change. Otherwise, you'll become the 'bad guy' on your own.

[PotteringAlong]

Then disengage and let her get on with it. Can you speak to fil? Make it clear to him that if anything happens to her without travel insurance you cannot afford to pay to get them home?

[Woodenmouse]

Mil has her dialysis at hospital every other day. From the little she's told me she has arranged to have it at a hospital in malta but doesn't say more than that.

[PotteringAlong]

And Malta is an EU country - but we might not be by the time they go for MiL's birthday...

[PotteringAlong]

My DF hws dialysis - he takes his machine with him and with 3 months notice they can deliver the bags etc anywhere in the world. I also know that his travel insurance to do this costs about £5k a year...

He's now on the transplant list and not meant to go more than 3 hours ish from the hospital .

She's either lying to you about the dialysis and the transplant (DF has his every night at home but I know there are different types) or is completely deluded. Or both.

[Woodenmouse]

They are not Maltese but they did love in malta for a few years and I know they want to move back.

I've decided I'm going to send them back and I'm going to speak to them. It's putting so much stress on mine and dh relationship

[Janecc]

I would return them before they go away and state no more t-shirts. If they send the ones from Malta, send them back as well.

Buy the t-shirt if you want it. I wanted to buy a dress for DD yesterday, I resisted much to her dismay as she has loads but I buy 95% of her clothes. Your decision either way.

If you decide not to spend the money on a t-shirt, spend it on counselling for you or your husband or even a book for you or him to read to help you deal with these issues.

These people are mad. Your dh has been trained from birth to listen to mad people. He needs to be extracted just like a hostage in a kidnapping.

[retrorobot2]

Are your in-laws Maltese?

[Chippednailvarnishing]

Having dialysis doesn't always mean you are waiting for a transplant...

[cozietoesie]

Then if you're absolutely certain - absolutely certain - it would be wholly inappropriate for your DH to give them the money to holiday. (On the basis of not necessarily being able to get back in time alone.) She's rather hoist with her own petard on this one. New kidneys can 'come up' at very short notice indeed, unfortunately.

[Woodenmouse]

Yes we know mil is having dialysis dh has taken her to a couple of appointments.

I am really tempted to post the t-shirts back to them. Who wants to take bets that they will send souvenir t-shirts from Malta next week.

[cozietoesie]

Do you know for certain - with eg independent confirmation - that she actually has kidney problems bad enough to merit a transplant?

[JennyOnAPlate]

Charity shop the tshirts from pils.

[CodyKing]

but I don't want any more t-shirts.

Send them back - note "thanks DS has loads of tshirts - so please return for a refund - I'm sure it will hemp towards your holiday spends X

[Bolograph]

medevac'd back home - Im not sure EU health care would pay for that?!!

It doesn't. There is no ambiguity about this.

i couldn't buy it because ds1 has too many of the bloody things.


Yes you can. Simply throw away the ones you have been given but don't want. Tell you in-laws that you have thrown them away, and will continue to throw away further similar gifts.

In reality, charity shop or clothes bank. But "throw away" is more forceful as a statement.

[Chippednailvarnishing]

Send them back, "thanks but we already have 32"...

[Woodenmouse]

Guess what just turned up in the post?

More fucking t-shirts! I actually cried in a shop yesterday because I saw a cute t-shirt I loved but i couldn't buy it because ds1 has too many of the bloody things. They've sent matching t-shirts for ds1 and ds2, the thought is nice but I don't want any more t-shirts. I want them to listen to me.

[Janecc]

They're insane! Yes, I agree time for you to take charge. Can't you personally retract the offer of money on the grounds that you will not be able to afford to bail them out as no health insurance? No no no. At least Malta is an EU country so she will be able to get state health care but I don't know what that's like over there. Please don't bankrupt yourselves. She may end up needing to be medevac'd back home - Im not sure EU health care would pay for that?!!

My friends aunty came over a couple of months ago for around a month to visit her,, family, friends, the sights from abroad. 2 days into her visit she ended up in intensive care with pneumonia. She then got d&v and then her heart got affected and had to have a heart op. She's now finally out of hospital in a hotel with her daughter as my friends house has no wet room. Private health insurance is picking up all the health care as she's from outside the eu, the hotel for her and her daughter, who came too, any care, new flights etc. Going away with no health insurance is much much too risky especially when you're already suffering from a chronic condition, which you're mil is. Eu medical cover would only pay for the hospital stay, none of the rest. And the rest would run into several possibly tens of thousands. They're in the Hilton as this was the only place able to accommodate her. And this lady was extremely lucky as she was at someone's house, with people willing to put her daughter up all the time she was in hospital, which will have been around 1.5 months.

Your DH is engaging in very risky enabling behaviour.