to feel upset because DH

[IamAnIAMSgirl]

Appears to be ignoring me because I went away with DM for the night?

This first bank holiday, he went away overnight with his friend and had a glorious time. Very happy for him that he enjoyed himself of course and heard all about it.

I have just returned home after an evening away with DM, who I do not get much quality time with and I did not feel welcome at home when I returned, and he asked me in an off voice how it was.

While I was away I called home twice and he cut me short both times, and now I am back he has hardly spoken to me, or elaborated much on what he has been up to when I asked him.

I am so upset I have left the house and I doubt he has even noticed.Aibu to think he is giving me the cold shoulder because I went away and to be upset? How would you deal with this?

[IamAnIAMSgirl]

Lots of reasons - DS gets invited to parties of a weekend, has hobbies that we attend at the weekend etc. this takes away the spontaneity out of the weekend. Or my DF who I see once a month if I am lucky might drop in. More often than not I would see friends once a week which means he has to stay in. He has the same privileges.

He seems to resent the busyness of my life and says we are constantly visiting people. This is a lie about the visiting as we spend most of our time with his family and hardly any with mine (hence the evening away with DM). He will go to my dad's house at xmas.

I also think he is resentful of my being pt at work when he is extremely stressed out in his job. Says he can't relax at home because there is nowhere to sit and it is messy (laughable comment).

Now Ds is of school age and settled in, I think it is for the best that I seek full time employment.

[Baconyum]

"fed up of running around after me, doing things he doesn't want to be doing and fitting in with my 'schedule'."

What does he mean by that? (I think I probably have a good idea but will hold off saying until you reply op)

[IamAnIAMSgirl]

Piece of purple - the guilt trip must have been difficult to deal with. Hope you are happier now. Dh has never been so overtly disapproving, it is more that he makes a chilly atmosphere that makes my stomach turn. When I confront him he makes out I am being ridiculous.

Just recalled though that Dh has in the past said he is fed up of running around after me, doing things he doesn't want to be doing and fitting in with my 'schedule'.

[pieceofpurplesky]

My exh was exactly the same. I am a teacher so had a lot more holiday than him. Once when he was working away I went on holiday with ds and my parents. I got abusive texts about how abandoned he felt (he was away for 4 nights of the 7 we were away) and how he shouldn't have to come home to an empty house.
He was a total narcissist.
OP I feel your pain

[NightWanderer]

You'll have to ignore him OP, no coaxing, no dinner, no anything. He needs to get the message that you are not responding to the 'punishment'.

100% agree with this!

[FoxesSitOnBoxes]

My abusive ex used to do this. He isn't hurt or sad he is punishing you and he knows exactly what he is doing.
Get angry let that make you strong.
Hope you're feeling OK

[Baconyum]

Total dick!!

He should be in the bloody spare room!

Tell him to grow up or fuck off!

In more delicate terms I would say something like

"You had time away, I am also AN ADULT who is NOT your possession or employee. I did NOTHING WRONG. If I'M not 'allowed' weekends away - neither are you! It works both ways. I am NOT the only one responsible for the house/childcare (I suspect it's because he had to take care of these that he's pissed off) this is your house and your dc too!

As for the stabilisers thing - you EVER TELL me how to behave again - I repeat I am an ADULT doing NOTHING WRONG you'd better get a divorce lawyer!" Then I'd calmly and quietly leave him to consider!

In a few days arrange a night out (preferably a late one) which you discuss with (but not ask permission for) him.

Time he grew up!

[mumoseven]

Omg I know this one. Just makes you so anxious and wonder what you did, the so relieved when its over. Even worse than the ignoring ( which is 'because I'm tired' or some shit designed to make you feel like you're imagining it) is the pretendy false interest and comments like 'well at least you were looking really nice when you went out. Without me.'

[ample]

YANBU. A sulky stroppy male is a pet peeve.
Yes he's giving you the cold(er) shoulder because you weren't at home all weekend. Stop asking him what's wrong. He wants attention and you're giving it.
I would carry on as you were before tbh. Show him you aren't bothered. You've done nothing wrong so you really shouldn't be (bothered that is).
At this point your DS is more mature than his father.

[TradGirl]

Tell him you'll be going away next weekend too. And the weekend after. And the one after that, until he gets his thumb out of his arse.

And YY to take the FT job!

[Canyouforgiveher]

Agree with the punishment/training comments.

he wants to be able to go away for weekends no problem but he doesn't want to have to mind your son when you do the same (for ONE night even). he is a selfish twat who has decided you are going to change your life to make sure he never has to be the adult in charge.

Laughing at the "you don't miss a trick do you" comment though. Look him in the eye and say "no I don't and I keep a close count too". And you should. Because if you miss a trick with this guy, you'll be a doormat before you know it.

Has he other lovely qualities??

And take that full time job. Really. Do.

[happypoobum]

I agree with PP, you are being trained to OBEY.

I would be off.

[wombthereitis]

How immature and cunty of him He sounds like a selfish git.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

He is punishing you. I guarantee at some point the punishment will end and he will be his normal, jolly self. This is where most women are so relieved that they forget and move on, put it down to stress etc. Until the next time you step out of line.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

Well done for confronting him. I would ask him tomorrow if he wants to end the relationship. He is throwing a huge strop because you went out with your mother, that's not on.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

He's acting like a stroppy cunt. Do you want to live with one of them?

[leelu66]

I think leaving him to it is the right approach, Iam

Even if he isn't completely ignoring you, you know and he knows that his behaviour towards you has changed.

I've been there, I know exactly how it feels. My approach was to ignore him when he ignored me, but when he snapped out if it, to tell him how immature and abusive his behaviour was and how I will not put up with it.

Also, as your child grows older he will see the way his dad treats you. And it's possible your son will get the same treatment.

[AllOverIt]

What a total arse. I would start to think if you can forsee a future with someone where you have to walk on eggshells whenever you want to spend time away from him. If you can't, then start to think about extracting yourself from this relationship.

[IamAnIAMSgirl]

Thank you Lee. How horrible it is that Dh plays games. He isn't exactly ignoring me as he does ask questions, even though they are off, and answers when I ask something. Just when I ask what is wrong he gets defensive.

I have left him to it now and gone to spare room. He has made me feel like I'm a bad person and beneath him.

[leelu66]

It's soul destroying living with someone who ignores you. They know exactly what they're doing and the effect it has on you. It's punishment for perceived wrong behaviour.

He's trying to bring you in line so that you don't do whatever it is that he doesn't like (in your case, going to your mum's fo the night).

The more you try and coax him out of the silent treatment, the worse he will get as it's getting a reaction.

You'll have to ignore him OP, no coaxing, no dinner, no anything. He needs to get the message that you are not responding to the 'punishment'.

[Iflyaway]

Punch him you should.

About the most unhelpful tip I've ever read here while on the subject of a man who emotionally abuses his partner.

[IamAnIAMSgirl]

Hi Lumpy, I have spoken with Dh tonight, and said to him that he has been quiet all weekend. He came back with that I hadn't been there all weekend, how should I know. I said that's it isn't it - you are upset that I went away with DM. I reminded him that he went away with his friend this month as well and he said to me that I don't miss a trick, do I.

He said he just couldn't be bothered anymore, wanted to watch telly. He wouldn't look at me and has been getting ready for bed in a sulky manner.

I have gone to spare room and am so upset and angry that I am shaking

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

Could you just call him on his behaviour? How would he react? Jealousy and mistrust are so unattractive.

T be honest full time work may be the way to go, establish your own income and broaden your horizons. I'd be booking a mini break with my mates too!

[Hissy]

Mwuhahaha

That's the way 😂😂😂