To cancel holiday...

[BoyMeetsWorld]

In light of today's (horrific) disaster?

Hysterical flier anyway. Have tried meds, courses, nothing worked. Finally agreed to go " for the kids & DH" then this happens.

Have spent whole day shaking and being physically sick.

DCs are both fairly young and tbh would probably enjoy a week somewhere driveable just as much. DH may never forgive me. If make mind up quickly would "only" lose the deposit.

Am I being completely crazy. Feeling utterly terrified. & those poor poor people, can't stop thinking about it..

[pimsandlemonade]

I completely understand, i don't do well on planes, and that's a huge understatement.
Only 1 thing works for me - alcohol, wine usually, about bottle an hour (the small ones)
So I'm refusing to fly without DH as i need him to be sober and look after the kids.

[wasonthelist]

When I used to get bullied into flying I never enjoyed the hol anyway as I spent the whole week (or two) worrying about the flight home.

[wasonthelist]

YABU to cancel in light of recent events - BTW when I was a very nervous flyer I used to think if there was a plane crash shortly before I was due to fly, that meant the odds of mine crashing were less (illogical and unfair, but it used to help).

Where I do have a lot of sympathy is that regardless of the statistical risks, if you don't like flying, people (DH and kids in this case) shouldn't pressure you into it. I had this from DW for years - it was a real bone of contention.

Ironically, since divorce and lack of pressure/pisstaking, I have become much happier and more willing to fly, although I don't think I'll ever really love it.

[Dozer]

If you do cancel on this occasion and do other things instead you might well be able to go in future. It's great that your DH is supportive.

Whatever you decide it sounds like you could do with some more help with your anxiety and the phobia(s).

[Titsywoo]

There is a website called seat61 which tells you how to get pretty much anywhere without flying. Trains, ferries etc. At the worst could you go this way even if it costs a bit more?

[namechangeparents]

TBH I don't believe it was a terrorist attack

I'm not sure either. From what has been said so far, the plane didn't suddenly explode. So it wasn't a bomb. There could have been a struggle on board. We might have had another suicidal pilot scenario (or taken ill, though it seems unlikely both would be). Or someone switched the radar off and has taken the plane somewhere (though not sure where in the heavily populated Mediterranean). Or there really was a technical fault. It's very odd no trace of the plane has been found.

[BoyMeetsWorld]

Thank you everybody for the responses. I can understand why some people think I should just "manage it". I completely agree and would love to. In fact, I had every intention to try before this latest disaster has just felt like one hurdle too much for me.

Hersetta - really fair point. Yes, I think I may well be using it as a sort of get out. Of course the phobia was there anyway. But the key is I really really want this holiday - it was actually me who suggested and booked it. My family had accepted the fact we don't fly because it causes me too much distress, we'd need a good month away really for it to be worth the stress either side. That's why I feel even worse about the whole thing - the one time I finally resolve to just do it and work through the complete terror, this goes and happens and now , no matter how much I want to and how much I'd been building myself up to do it, now that's a gone out the window and I'm a wreck.

Still not cancelled. Still really really want to go and not let my family down. I'm hoping if I give it a few more days something will kick in and I'll be ok with it, but somehow I doubt it...couldn't sleep last night and everything in the news isn't helping. Very tearful at the moment. Have looked at alternative holidays but all the good stuff for summer is all booked up. DH is being so lovely as I'm Sat there wailing but of course he must be so disappointed :( & so am I to be honest :(

[TendonQueen]

Her DH has been sympathetic and told her to cancel as it's not worth the stress. I agree. Go on a UK holiday instead.

[BillBrysonsBeard]

After your latest post I can see how bad it is, statistics won't help. It can be hard for people to understand irrational phobias but you've described it so well that I can start to imagine your panic. I think it would be too stressful for you and you won't enjoy the holiday knowing you have to fly back. You're gonna make yourself ill if you're already being sick and it's months away. I would either cancel and go somewhere by ferry (still exciting for the kids!) or stay in the UK.

[Hersetta427]

DO you think you would have managed to get on board the plane before yesterday's events. It sounds like you have a serious phobia anyway and although the crash wouldn't have helped, are you seeing it as a way out of getting out of getting on the plane anyway?

I agree with the poster earlier that despite what the airline says it is more likely to be a technical or structural failure than terrorism. The airline wound say anything as it might lead to their maintenance of the aircraft being bought into question and certainly airbus would want it to be terrorism so nothing can be said about the integrity of their aircraft.

Personally I am not worrying about something I have no control over. I am flying to Hurghada in Egypt a week today and am looking forward to having a great holiday with my family.

[2cats2many]

Have you got time to consider doing a course of CBT? It's very good for issues like this.

[TheoriginalLEM]

the op has tried to get help. she went in the flying course and was hysterical. Now with the addition of recent events and her family being on board i really think it would be unreasonable for the op to put herself and her family through this.

[Dozer]

I have an anxiety disorder, it's up to those of us who have this to manage and get help with it as best we can. it does IME often cause conflict with partners at times, who understandably would like to do the things that scare us.

I have a partner whose parent was afraid of flying and driving, didn't get help with the anxiety, and they always had very local holidays and few day trips (when they could have afforded more): the family resent this.

Not doing things can actually make the anxiety worse.

OP since the holiday is already booked can you get some support to help you to fly? Or as you suggest you'll need to cancel and face the music with DH.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Phobias don't make sense. The statistics won't help.

[TheoriginalLEM]

Some pretty insensitive respinses here.

Anxiety is a visceral and irrational emotion. It is physical and no amount of rationalisation is going to help an anxiety sufferer mid meltdown.

I totally agree with the OP. i would be terrified too. I did travel to greece many years ago but was petrified, couldn't enjoy my holiday and i just said to myself that unless it was essential id never fly again. So when i had to travel to Switzerland for work i went by train. The statistics brigade would live that! but i felt safe and was able to do it. This was the year after 9 11.

You can keep your statistics, i know i wont be involved in a plane crash. 100% positive. Unless one falls on my head. I don't NEED to fly.

We have holidays in the uk. We are happy with that. Yes id love to see more of the world but just now im keeping my feet on the ground.

My dd1 thinks nothing of jumping on a plane and galivanting off all over the place. Of course i worry but i just tell her not to give me details so i don't have the acute worry of where she is in that moment.

Op - just don't go. Im sure there are lots of anazing places to visit in the uk. You don't need to fly, its causing you distress.

[Twinkie1]

You've more chance of Bing killed driving on the motorway in the UK than being the victim of a terrorist attack in the skies. Over three thousand people die each day on the rounds in the world, I don think that many people die each year in planes.

[P1nkP0ppy]

Flying is the safest way to travel there is. I can't say I enjoy it, I find it incredibly tedious and boring, but it won't put me off.
DH cheerfully flies gliders but is terrified of flying,; go to your GP and get some effective medication and you'll be fine - I'm horribly travel sick and my GP was brilliant.

[WordGetsAround]

If you're all together on the same plane, I think I'd go for it. It's when just DH is flying that I hate it.

[Motheroffourdragons]

Cheeseandcrackers - oh no, I don't like the sound of that. Off to make sure I have a noisy set of engines to listen to

I do think it helps to know, OP, that others are scared too.

[MaximilianNero]

I'm sorry flying is so distressing for you, it sounds absolutely horrible

I'm frightened flying, but I can manage, so I never let a flight stop me going anywhere that needs it, despite the very occasional scream (cue funny faces from surrounding passengers) and nausea/palpitations etc.

It sounds like you do have a very significant phobia though. And phobias aren't rational, and generally can't be logic'ed away, so please don't mentally punish yourself for having one. Logic can be very helpful for people who are nervous or a bit fearful, but there's a difference between that and an actual phobia. You don't deserve to hate yourself for having a mental health difficulty any more than if you had a physical disability that limited long distance travel.

However there may be some 1:1 psychological treatments that might help? Maybe for future years?

I would give yourself at least a few days to think it over, but don't feel guilty about cancelling if you need to. There are so many fabulous European destinations, you can't have been everywhere already! Some destinations can be got to pretty quickly by high speed rail, maybe combined with ferry - opens doors to go quite a bit further afield without the stress of driving long distance. With a longer holiday than you might normally take, you can potentially go medium haul flight distances by high speed rail to places you wouldn't ever fancy driving to. No soulless tube in the sky. No airport queues. Better food. About the journey as well as the destination. Truly fantastic views on some routes.

Actually, on the off chance, have you booked to go somewhere this year that is actually reachable by high speed rail in a reasonable amount of time?

[manicinsomniac]

In your case, I think YANBU. Your fear doesn't sound like 'just' a terror of flying, it's a true phobia and you're going to miserable both before and during the holiday.

I'm terrified of flying (take valium but it doesn't really help) and every plane crash makes me feel even more sick with dread at the thought of my next flight (probably doesn't help that I'm not a frequent flyer - once or twice a year at most). Like you, I know all the statistics but they don't help all that much. I know I am more likely to die in a car crash but I'm not afraid of cars, I'm afraid of planes. It's not a rational fear, it just is what it.

I'm not phobic though. I can take valium, screw my eyes shut and beg and pray to survive the experience. I might gasp, grip an arm rest or occasionally cry a bit but I'm not going to get hysterical. I am anxious for a while beforehand and whenever I think about but the prospect of a holiday doesn't ruin my day to day life the way it seems to for you. No holiday is worth what you describe.

Also - it doesn't have to be plane or UK/France. I'm going to Russia this summer without going on a plane (we're getting the Paris-Moscow express and looking forward to it as a real adventure). If that goes well then, in the future, we might go all the way through to China on the train - the experiences we can have in Mongolia, Kazakhstan etc on the way will be incredible compared to the nothing we would see 30000 feet in the air. You can get ferries and trains to Gibraltar then on into Africa by boat.

I am aware that all of the above is massively more dangerous than flying - but I'm not afraid of those journeys. It's not logical.

Years ago I was teaching in Southern Africa for a summer and there was a plane crash on a local airfield while we were there. I'd been frightened getting there (but not terrified - I've got worse and worse with age) but once this happened I was desperate not to get on the plane to go home. I concocted this crazy plan that involved getting minibus taxis right up through the whole of (war torn, violent, totalitarian, remote, barren etc) etc) the African continent to Morocco so I could go home via Spain. In my fear, that was preferable to getting the coach to Johannesburg and flying to Frankfurt with Lufthansa Airlines!! Luckily I had friends with me to tell me that my plan carried an approximately 90% death risk whereas theirs was 0.000000001 recurring!

[TJEckleburg]

None of the stats in the world will help you because you seem to have a real phobia. This is not about not knowing in your head it's safe, it's about your subconcious brain not feeling safe. So telling yourself it's fine really and you are just being silly won't change anything

Good news is that a decent experienced psychiatrist can cure most phobias in just a few sessions. One on one works far better than the BA course if you have a true phobia - you have to be gently introduced to your fear and actually experience making your body calm and not react in it's existing way with a fear response. And very gradually work your way up from being able to look at videos of planes without having a panic response, to reading news of crashes, to finally getting on the plane. It'll cost less than the deposit.

[cheeseandcrackers77]

Motheroffour I always listen to the engines and panic of they change sounds. DH just laughs at me he said it will be better when we go out next holiday as we will be flying on the a380 and he said you can't hear the engines, I told him this would be worse

[cheeseandcrackers77]

DH is an aircraft engineer working on the same type as plane that went down. He said it's unlikely to be mechanical as they don't just stop and fall out the sky. They have a multitude of back up systems, warning lights etc. I am a terrible flyer but this wouldn't stop me going on holiday.

As people have said security will be tight. The sad thing about the world we live in that bad things happen but I am a believer that we can't let things stop us enjoying life. As long as the foreign office don't have any travel restrictions on where you are going I would go and enjoy every minute of it with your DC, they will have a ball xx

[Motheroffourdragons]

Oh dear Boymeetsworld. I'm the same as you. I despise flying, but we have booked to go to the uS at the end of June. I try really really hard to not let my fear of flying get in the way of a good holiday, but now this has happened, I am in bits. Bless all those poor people and their families, I am so sorry this has happened.

Now though, I'm going to spend the next few weeks in terror yet again

My children are grown up, and have got past me be scared of flying, they think it is funny, so that's something.

My fear is about the engine sound, I need to keep listening to make sure it sounds ok. So for an hour's flight , it is ok, but this time we will be in the air for 11 hours, I have done it before, no idea how!

I understand the statistics also, but the problem is this fear is an illogical one, so explaining everything doesn't help. I hope you can do your flight and go on your holiday, as it would be horrible to cancel, you just need to find a way to make it work. low dose valium + champagne seems a good option, I've heard