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AIBU?

Dh or aibu?

55 replies

sleepy16 · 18/05/2016 14:23

I need other people's perspective on aibu or dh is.
He works, I'm a sahp with 6 children (all children are my dh).
Ages from 15 years down to 18 weeks, we have a disabled son and the eldest has some sen.
I have pnd and I am on tablets for it, I am some what better but not fully.
Dh plays football 3 times a week, goes to the gym.
Not long been away for the weekend, and goes for nights out with friends.
I don't go out, some because I am finding it hard to motivate myself to do so, and because I'm ebf and tbh knackered.
Now dh has been pretty horrible towards me (picking holes in everything I do) and I know most of the time he does this as he wants something and if we are arguing then he won't feel bad about doing it.
Turns out he wants to go to the USA with friends for 10 days in November.
I have said to him he is an adult so it's up to him, but with my depression (he said why shouldn't he have fun still only because I'm depressed) and it's a lot of money then I think he is being a little bit selfish.
So what would you think in the situation?

OP posts:

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sleepy16 · 19/05/2016 20:47

I have not been depressed for years, only since after my 18 week old was born.
And we have taĺked and he realises he was being selfish, and he has apologised for in his words being a 'dick'.
I just wanted to see if it was me being unreasonable with having pnd as I know it can cloud my judgement.

OP posts:

RavioliOnToast · 19/05/2016 16:41

Id be tempted to wave him off in November, pack your bags and fuck off for when he comes back. Use the time between now and then to sort your finances out.

Ledkr · 19/05/2016 16:15

I'd let him go and spend the time planning my ten day break which I would leave for in the day he returned.

TheVillageTaxpayer · 19/05/2016 16:06

Is there a specific activity he wants to visit the USA for, such as a major sport event, industry conference, etc. or does he just want to hang out for 10 days?

To be honest I can see where it would be difficult after many years with a depressed person and one would want to break out and feel carefree at least once in a while. BUT after choosing to make six children with said depressed person, one has limited one's options to the point where what one wants to do is pretty irrelevant. He needs to focus on his chosen responsibilities.

CantAffordtoLive · 19/05/2016 15:59

No bloody wonder you're depressed and don't want to go out. You must be knackered.

He is being extremely selfish. You should leave him to cope with all the children by himself for a week and see how he gets on. Possibly he will appreciate your point of view then.

I think you are amazing to cope.

ronjo · 19/05/2016 15:53

He is a fucking prick.

I have just been away for a weekend with friends playing golf and my wife will go away for a weekend soon with her friend.

There is absolutely no way in hell I would have gone for the weekend just past if we had 6 kids and she was suffering from PND let alone 10 days.

As I said, he is a fucking prick !

molyholy · 19/05/2016 15:46

A TAD SELFISH!!!!!! A TAD FUCKING SELFISH!!!!!!!!

He is being a complete and utter twat with absolutle disregard for your health and wellbeing. That is not the action of a loving partner. He is quite happy to keep you at home, having 6 children to look after while he fucks off to the fucking USA.

And just to rub it in, he gaslights you to start arguements to get his own way.

I am aghast that someone can treat their wife and mother of their children this way.

What are you going to do about it?

Salene · 19/05/2016 15:33

I would tell him a holiday for you all to USA would be lovely so he better start saving..!!!

I'm sorry holidays should be with his family, not him pissing off on his own

I'd tell him to sling his hook

19lottie82 · 19/05/2016 14:32

Sleepy...... What would he say if you told him that, once he had returned frm the USA, you were going off for a girls trip for 10 days, leaving him in charge of the kids?

wannabestressfree · 19/05/2016 14:16

Have you spoken to him? Told him its a no go?

VioletVaccine · 18/05/2016 20:23

It must be fucking hard having 7 children.

Hairyspiderinyourunderwear · 18/05/2016 20:13

He has six children, some with special needs and a wife that is ill. That should be his life. He does not need a ?four? five? day a week plus weekends off life (he seriously goes away alone for fun weekends with a wife with PND and six kids to look after?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?) . It would be reasonable for him to have one night a week/fortnight and lunchtimes during the week. If he wants more time off he should arrange childcare and go somewhere with you, even if it is something really mundane such as going to the supermarket and doing shopping together and getting a cup of tea.

Honestly if you only had a few kids with no special needs and no PND I think that many days/nights out is taking the piss.

wannabestressfree · 18/05/2016 19:30

It leads to festering resentment..he shouldn't even be asking. Your not his mum and he is being ridiculous asking if he can go. My ex was the same about rugby trips abroad.... he just never wanted to grow up..

AdjustableWench · 18/05/2016 15:56

What a kind and loving husband does when his wife has depression:
He comes straight home from work every night to share the cooking, housework and childcare.
He spends weekends with his wife and children sharing cooking, housework and childcare.
He supports his wife to get out of the house by herself, even if it's just into the garden, even if it's just for half an hour, at least at first.
He organises someone to babysit the children regularly, so that he can take his wife out for some time together as a couple, even if it's just for an hour at a time, even if it's just for a walk in the park or a cup of coffee.
Once his wife starts to feel better (which will happen after a while with appropriate support), he talks to her about whether she feels up to looking after the kids alone, or with a babysitter to help, while he goes out with friends, even if it's just for a couple of hours at first.

Going to the US for 10 days, leaving a depressed wife with six children including an ebf baby, is the behaviour of an unkind and selfish husband.

I'm not inclined to encourage people to leave their partners, but I myself would not want to remain in a relationship with a man who had so little interest in my wellbeing.

MyLocal · 18/05/2016 15:37

I would say he is taking the fucking piss.

Pagwatch · 18/05/2016 15:29

Sleepy

No one thinks he is being a tad selfish. Most of us think he's being incredibly fucking selfish.

How hard is he trying to make sure you get a break?

sleepy16 · 18/05/2016 15:25

I am trying hard to go out, like I said I don't stop him from having a life but I just think half way around the world is a tad selfish.
I had problems with my meds at first and have not long been diagnosed with pnd.

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 18/05/2016 15:18

I think SeaCabbage is right. When I was depressed I didn't want to go out but staying in made me worse. It's a vicious circle.

Op where would you like to go for a break if you reached the point where you were up to it?
I made myself do 'days of joy'
I'd get the train and go to an art gallery or a town centre . I remember clearly sitting by a river having a glass of wine with a book and realising I needed to get out alone to keep myself happy.

I was managing. I was coping with the chikdren. I gritted my teeth and got through it.
I was fucking miserable and I was teaching my chikdren that women have chikdren and become blank eyed miserable shadows.

Beeziekn33ze · 18/05/2016 15:16

Crisis!

Beeziekn33ze · 18/05/2016 15:15

Is it his midlife Chris's? I really feel for you, did he get like this gradually over 20 years or is it that he's suddenly realised he's an adult with responsibilities and is kicking out?
You haven't mentioned any friends or family, I truly hope you have some support. I guess he had some redeeming features at some point but at present he sounds like an extra teenager.

Pagwatch · 18/05/2016 15:13

Why with baby only?
Why can't her DH managed the children he made while his wife goes out for a few hours?

sunlover73 · 18/05/2016 15:05

seriously, my hubby is a bit quick to have a golf day, and 3 nights in the pub, and a weekend away horse racing with his mates.... BUT in return I try and ensure I get some time back in return as really it's only fair. How about you at least get a Sat afternoon round the shops with baby only or something? I agree with others, he seems to be onto a good thing if you're happy sitting at home with 6 kids whilst he enjoys his free time. Is this possibly the first time you've dug in and realised his tactics? Treating someone with depression that way is pretty low IMO.

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Artistic · 18/05/2016 15:04

So have you agreed when are you going away alone on holiday too? First agree that ( if only to scare him) and then let him go. Whether you do or you don't go at all is not the question here.

SeaCabbage · 18/05/2016 15:04

With regard to you not having the energy to go out. I see that as a vicious circle. You never get a break so you don' t have the energy to go out.

Surely you could get him to be with the kids while you meet a friend for coffee, go for a half hour walk, anything, to start your road to recovery. Keep it small to begin with and make yourself do it.

If my partner was depressed but wasn't doing anything to help themselves I would be fed up too. Though I still think he is being a git.

Tell us, what does he do with these six children that he helped to create?

Valentine2 · 18/05/2016 15:03

What a twat of a husband you got there? I would tell him to shove his blackmailing tactics up his arse and give you regular time off from children. PLUS get a bloody pump, express some and leave him to it and get out. What a dodgy thing to do to your own wife.

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