Hmmmm- tight friends

[Pierrette]

Our friends came to stay recently. We always love seeing them because we have lots of chat & laughs and the kids have loads of fun running around together. BUT one thing grates - a lot. We have had them to stay many times because our house is a bit bigger than theirs and I understand that they couldn't fit us all in to stay over. However, in more than a decade we have never been invited for a meal when stopping off in their city (though we have had a cup of coffee and a biscuit!), and when they come to us they never offer to pay for a meal or do some cooking or pay for a takeaway. I actually suggested a takeaway for one of the nights they were staying, thinking they would at least offer to pay half. They were enthusiastic but when my husband went to get it, can you believe it, he actually ended up paying for the whole thing. I convinced myself I would say something, like 'could we go halves perhaps?', but when they kept thanking us for such a delicious meal, I couldn't bring myself to. I'm writing this thinking it's quite outrageous - and quite strange - now that I've put it into words. As anyone who hosts friends knows, it's not cheap forking out for nice food for everyone for a few days… Grrrrrrrrrr. Any other experiences with non-paying guests out there?!!

[ghostyslovesheep]

yes I can't imagine ordering take away and - as you write down what everyone wants - NOT saying 'right X's yours comes to £7, Y yours is £6 and if we add up starters it's £8 each' and holding out your hand!

[ephemeralfairy]

Ye gods. I have never been in this situation. I am skint. I have no shame is asking people to pay their way

[Baconyum]

"But she said the room was a bombsite. There's tidying up and there's leaving the place a tip." Exactly which is why I :

"Well no-one's suggesting a hoover or thorough dusting. But clearing up and stripping the bed seems totally reasonable to me - decreases the clean-up time for the host!"

I'm not talking a blitz just disposing of our stuff, wiping where we may have been using make up etc and as I say I don't strip the bed if they don't want me to (I know which friends do and don't like this I've known them all 30+years!)

Princesspeach if he's an oil worker he should know full well he's taking the piss as most single lads in thr industry have similar arrangements with family/friends but most pay some sort of board or pay their way in other ways.

"These people run their own household, they know the costs that associated with that. Any reasonably intelligent adult knows that. " agree, they're not getting their groceries for free at home are they?!

Asserting yourself needn't mean being aggressive or rude, look up assertiveness tips.

[frieda909]

I have become increasingly wary of having people to stay, after numerous bad experiences over the years. I love being a hostess, cooking for people and entertaining etc, but it's not nice feeling like you're being taken advantage of.

I had this a lot just after I finished uni. I was living in a pretty cool place, known for being a bit of a 'party' city, and a lot of my friends from home would regularly ask to come visit me. It quickly became apparent who was genuinely coming to see me, and who was just using me as free room and board for a nice city break away.

Once two female friends made a huge deal about coming to 'visit me' for two whole weeks while I was living there. I was living in a tiny studio apartment and they insisted beforehand that they'd be fine crashing on the floor, but (because I'm a mug) I gave up my bed for the first few nights thinking that they'd be tired from travelling and that we'd swap later on. One of them was extremely grateful, but the other spent the ENTIRE time complaining (the bed wasn't comfortable enough, the apartment was too noisy, she didn't want to do any of the things I suggested we do together, blah blah). After five nights of sleeping on the sofa (and I was working at the time while they were on holiday) I asked if I could have my bed back and she kindly deigned to give it back 'for a night' but moaned non-stop the next day about how horrible it was sleeping on the floor.

I've since got a lot better at saying no to these things but sometimes it's hard - you go out of your way to be nice but there's a fine line between 'nice' and letting people walk all over you!

[Majorlyscared1993]

Sorry pierrette, expat quoted me on that one! No I meant just in general the amount of stories that people are able to offer up! I thought I was in the minority having a cheap friend but in fact I'm not so I feel a bit better about it if that's possible. I think that shows what a good friend you are that you don't want to hurt her feeling despite how irritating it is. But remember that depression isn't an excuse that she can use every time she doesn't want to pay for the coffees!

[Pierrette]

Expat, not all my friends are tightfisted. In fact most are incredibly generous, which is why meanness is noticed. However, not all is black and white. My friend has many good qualities and I really enjoy her conversation. I've known her for a long time.

She has suffered depression in the past, which is part of the reason I would find confronting her difficult (my lack of backbone aside!)

I am moaning on here to avoid moaning to her face, I know. Maybe I should bite the bullet and come clean - though I think she would probably be mortified and terribly upset.

[SciFiFan2015]

I have an acquaintance so tightfisted that she won't even text me! So it's other free methods of comms or calls me and hangs up, before I answer the call so I call her back. There's other stuff too but it would out me to mutual acquaintances and friends!

[expatinscotland]

'Can't believe how many people have tightfisted friends/ in laws. I only agree to s takeaway/ night out/ meal with friends if I know I can pay for it all and tip or whatever else. I don't agree to a takeaway pizza and assume someone else will pay! Shocking!!!!'

Exactly.

[Majorlyscared1993]

Can't believe how many people have tightfisted friends/ in laws. I only agree to s takeaway/ night out/ meal with friends if I know I can pay for it all and tip or whatever else. I don't agree to a takeaway pizza and assume someone else will pay! Shocking!!!!

[expatinscotland]

'If they don't host people themselves they have no idea how much it costs. They really don't. A bit like dinner parties or bbq's, those that don't do it have no idea.'

Tosh. We don't host people or have dinner parties or BBQs because we know exactly what that would cost and we're skint. We have to budget for food very carefully. These people run their own household, they know the costs that associated with that. Any reasonably intelligent adult knows that.

And the couple never invite them to stay at theirs or even to meet them for dinner if they know they're in town.

These people know exactly what they're doing.

[amidawish]

next time you are stopping over in their city, invite yourselves to stay, invite yourselves to a meal at their house. you may be surprised, or you may find out they are in fact tight! Maybe they think you don't want to stay, or don't want a meal?

[Princesspeach1980]

My bil does this. He lives offshore and uses us as a hotel if he has to come to England for anything, usually stays 3 or 4 nights. Every time he jokingly asks to "book in" which grates. He proudly presents us with a waitrose sponge cake, then eats us out of house and home with no offer to pay. Makes it worse that we earn a lot less than him, and I struggle weekly with the food budget, he's single with no kids too.

He really pissed me off the last time when he made a snide comment about too much processed meat (when we had a full English and burgers in the same weekend), then hilariously wiped all the writing off my meal planner blackboard and wrote pizza against every day.

The only way I get any contribution is if I ask him to call for bits from the supermarket while he's out (only small things like breadrolls), then forget to offer him the money for them.

[amidawish]

If they don't host people themselves they have no idea how much it costs. They really don't. A bit like dinner parties or bbq's, those that don't do it have no idea.

secondly they do probably think they are doing you a favour coming to visit, so your part of the deal is to host them. couldn't you go and visit them sometimes?

[Pierrette]

Well no-one's suggesting a hoover or thorough dusting. But clearing up and stripping the bed seems totally reasonable to me - decreases the clean-up time for the host!

[expatinscotland]

But she said the room was a bombsite. There's tidying up and there's leaving the place a tip.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"If I had friends to stay and they insisted on cleaning the bedroom and stripping the bed I'd find it a bit weird, tbh."

Me too. I just leave things tidy and leave a small gift (I buy most of my own food when away).

[ijustwanttobeme]

I also have a friend like this, who I never noticed was a bit tight until another DFriend pointed it out.

Both DFriends above, and I went on a city break earlier this year. As was near to my birthday we had planned we'd do cocktails at a swish hotel.

We'd all brought the same amount of spending money.

When the time came, before we'd even left to go, she ummed and aaahed about the cost and said she wanted to go somewhere else. So we did, to a niceish place but not what we'd planned. When we got there, while we had cocktails she drank tap water and had a starter.... Hardly the Manhattans in Manhattan we'd planned.

She wouldn't have any breaks when we were sightseeing as didn't want to spend any money and always let us pay for stuff first, but then never give us quite the same amount back or keep us waiting for it until we had to ask. Would never tip the bellboy, waiter, cabbie.

I love her to bits but it did put a blight on the trip tbh, as once it was pointed out to me, it's all I could notice.

[Adarajames]

If you're a doormat, plenty of people will happily wipe their feet on you without a thought! Be adult and challenge them, or you've no right to moan and complain when they do it repeatedly!

[expatinscotland]

They know exactly what they're doing.

[Somerville]

Frieda It turned out that my friend is from a wealthy background too! The opposite of what everyone at University thought. None of us had a clue until her extravagant wedding, paid for by multi-millionaire grandfather.

Have to say that most people I know who have a lot of money are generous. I'm not rich-bashing.

I wonder if people in other countries let their friends get away with as much of this behaviour, or if it happens more here because of British reticence and not liking to make a fuss?

[CheekyGit]

Op, leaving the room and plates etc was thoughtless and rude. If you went to their house and they let you relax and ran round after you, fair enough but its a bit rich as they dont host you.

I think you should approach it in a really quizzical " wow,its JUST OCCURRED to me! I dont think we have ever been to your house...it was great fun, as ever to see you again, perhaps we can come to yours next time, if only for a meal"

[Clarissa69]

Cheeky gits!! I would say something like 'shall we go halves on a takeaway this time?' Just say it...go on...you know you want to......just before they come text and say....'Don't forget to bring your drinks - looking forward to our night'.
Then once you've tackled that issue, the next time they come say 'I thought my kids were messy but you two take the Mick... haha' (lots of laughing) - gets the point over though in a non confrontational way. Or you could invite yourselves over or turn up one afternoon and raid their fridge and drinks, trash thier house and go home. 😂😂😂😂

[honeylulu]

I know what you mean and Grrrrr!
Had some friends like this. They usually came to us as we had a house with spare room and they had a (very nice) flat in London which was a real squeeze with us and our son (they had no children at the time).
So they'd turn up with one bottle of wine as a "gift" and then we'd get through four our five in an evening, mostly consumed by them as they'd stay up late at night and carry on boozing after we'd gone to bed (as we'd have to be up with our son at 7.30). Is cook a nice meal with side dishes and pudding. OH would do us all a full English when they finally emerged at 11am.
I love to cook for people but time after time with no contribution towards food/costs/decent amount of wine I got increasingly peed off.
They both worked in the City and earned much more than us plus we were paying a fortune in nursery fees, yet they were always moaning about how skint they were because of numerous foreign holidays and Michelin starred dinners hmmm
I think they started to realise a bit as our meals became less elaborate. Then ahead of their next visit the male of the couple (our original friend) said "we feel really bad you always end up cooking for us when we stay with you. Let's get a takeaway this time. " Great, we thought. Settled on pizza. I made sure I had stuff in for side salad, dressings, drinks and nibbles, plus pudding.
We handed over the menu, let them order and were delighted by their slap up choice.
Pizza boy came to the door. I answered and called them. Their faces fell. They announced they were skint - clearly hadn't expected to pay. They rooted and scrabbled around for money and came up with less than half. We had barely any cash either and ended up raiding the baby's money box
We are still friends but that was the last time they stayed with us.

[SecretWitch]

Pierette, I hate confrontations with people (weirdly, I have to confront people all the time for work!) What about just saying something like " We really love seeing you but cannot afford to host you this year. Shall I make some hotel recommendations?" Or " We cannot host you this year but would love to meet up for dinner when you are in town"

How good of friends are they? Do they add any positives to your life? It seems like they do not mind being a drain on you.

[frieda909]

I had a friend like Somerville's and I too learned that it's best just to be direct. In my friend's case, the issue wasn't that she was deliberately tight but, somewhat ironically, that she came from a very wealthy background and I just don't think money was ever something she really thought about.

At one point we had a nice routine of going shopping for ingredients together and then cooking ourselves a lovely dinner, but whenever we got to the checkout she'd just stand there obliviously chatting away while I got out my purse and paid. I could feel myself becoming increasingly resentful, so the fourth or fifth time this happened I just came out with it: 'do you mind getting this? I think I've paid the last few times...' and she immediately replied 'of course! So sorry!' She was a lovely person and it just genuinely hadn't occurred to her.

Your friends may well be the same way, just a bit ditzy and oblivious. Next time they ask to stay I would reply with something like 'This is a bit awkward but while we love having you all to stay, the last time we rather went over our budget for the month and we were wondering if you'd be prepared to chip in a bit for meals etc this time?'