Child protection concerns but not my place?

[NotTooSureSal]

This is someone I don't know very well, but is my best friend's cousin. BF and her DM have a lot of concerns about cousins dc but won't do anything about it because it would 'cause upset within the family'. However, the more BF tells me, the more worried I get for these children and I don't know if/what to do.

Cousin (C), her dp and 2 dc live in absolute filth. Bf sent me photos of the house and it's far from the normal mess of a family home, it's truly disgusting. Clothes/boxes/any old crap piled precariously on every available surface, kitchen thick with dirt and dog hair, black walls with damp etc.

Dc's bedrooms are like something off a hoarders program, very dangerous with a toddler. They are very frequently ill. One particularly worrying thing was C saying she'd recently found her toddler caked in dried vomit in the morning, admitting she kept the doors closed at night so she wouldn't have heard them crying or throwing up.

I asked bf what happened when the midwife or hv had visited the baby, she said C will just clean the hall and living room and close all the other doors. Now I know none of this is my business but I feel so uneasy about these dc. Bf doesn't live nearby so can't offer practical help and won't consider reporting herself.

So wibu to call somebody?

[smokeybandit]

Yes safeguarding children is EVERYBODY'S concern. Don't feel bad doing it yourself, all you do is report, it's for other people to find the facts and decide on action. Perhaps there are depression or other issues and the cousin just needs professional help/support as she's not coping. But someone else will make that decision, reporting them doesn't mean anyone will find out it was you or that the kids are automatically removed. Regret that something happens to the kids through inaction is worse than reporting.

[EveOnline2016]

Those poor kids.

People like your friend should be ashamed of themselves. How can they sleep at night knowing that there is children known to them in dire need of help.

I would have no hesitation reporting anyone to social services.

[1AngelicFruitCake]

Please report it.

Just imagine that poor child being sick and unable to get help or comfort. Makes me feel tearful thinking about how that child must have felt.

[Skittlesss]

I just wanted to add that good can come of this. I can't give too much infornation, but I was involved in a similar case (professionally) some 9 years ago, that family have now cleaned up and sorted themselves out. In fact I saw them all the other day and was so pleased that they looked just fine. They just needed some extra support at that time in their lives.

[Skittlesss]

You can report via NSPCC. Get as much info as you can and I do believe you can do it online.

I'm thinking maybe your friend has reached out to you in the hopes you will report it for her. Maybe she is scared of the repercussions from her family - after all they mustn't be very nice people if they are turning a blind eye to this neglect.

You need to do this. Sometimes the little worries that are reported are the ones that give the go ahead for services to go in and look at things. It all builds a bigger picture.

[YoureSoSlyButSoAmI]

No. Your friend is actually a rather unpleasant person.

Remind her how much worse her "crippling anxiety" will be if one of these kids chokes on vomit and dies.

[mummyto2monkeys]

You know that this is not right, you must report it. I am shocked that your best friend could sit by and not say anything. I have reported to nspcc in the past for information a young friend had about her friends children. If your friend is afraid of the repercussions of being the one to report, be the person who takes over for her. You do need information, the address, what school the children go to, names ofthe parents and children.

Nspcc were great as my concerns were anonymous. My young friend was never once suspected and the police/ social services were brought into play very quickly.
This was so important to my friend who was in a vulnerable position herself.

[Liiinooo]

To be fair to the OP's friend might be telling her all this and showing her the pictures in the knowledge/hope that Nottoosure will report this thereby protecting the children but without feeling that she has betrayed her family. It would be irrational I know, but people often are.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

If you or, preferably, your friend report it to the NSPCC they will effectively take over. That's probably the most discreet way to deal with this.

[insancerre]

Please report to social services or the nspcc
Or the local children's centre
Send them the photos too

I am shocked that family members would stand by and let children live like that

[TheFuckersBitingMe]

Absolutely, get them help.

Children are the most vulnerable people in society, with no means to change their own situations. Without adult intervention this situation can only get worse for them.

[teacherlikesapples]

How sad is it that we are willing to let children live in squalor because we are afraid of offending someone? The situation those children are in is offensive. Please help them & encourage your friend to do what she can is well :(

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

She can talk to you, her mother and others, she can slyly go around the house and take photos, She can then send those photos out and gossip about them as well as repeat things her cousin has said. Yet she is too anxious to make an anonymous report to help children living like that? No, she isn't a nice person.

She is a selfish person more concerned about making her cousin look bad than the welfare of children who are living in so much filth they are getting ill.

She really needs to report, it will be much better coming from her having seen and heard first hand than you calling and giving it 'a friend of a friend has been up to x y and z so I hear on the grapevine'.

Tell your friend you are reporting if she doesn't and try and encourage her to do it, if her cousin is going to pick up on the fact it's your friend she will anyway from your report.

[Talcott2007]

Definitely call and don't worry about it being traced to you in anyway - they are very discreet about tip offs. I'm sorry that your BF has anxiety but that's not really good enough if something serious happened to those children and she'd been in a position to prevent it then just think what you that do her anxiety level!! I called NSPCC when I was 14/15 bout my concerns for the children (5&7) of an older cousin after I babysat for them on one and the only occasion I had actually been to their house. The house was a utter disaster totally filthy etc but most chillingly there was an actual padlock bolted on the outside of the children's bedroom door that when I asked the boys what it was for - they told me that 'Mummy and Daddy locks us at night so we can't be naughty!' the whole room stank of urine from where they hadn't been able to go to to toilet during the night etc It was heartbreaking. The worst part was realizing that It was sort of just know in the wider family that the cousin and her DH were 'crappy parents etc' but no one did anything about it and they would have know how bad it was having visited the house etc! I was terrified calling and was convinced that they would know it was me because i had just babysat etc but it was the right thing to do and it did in fact trigger loads of intervention form SS after that. Don't actually think it occurred to anyone it had been me that called especially because I heard on the family grape vine via my aunt that the school had raised concerns about the boys being dirty etc.

[FlyingElbows]

I always wonder what is going on in the head's of family members who are happy to criticise and tell everyone about their concern and do absolutely fuck all to help. Op if you are sure then report it and hopefully they'll get help. Often all people need is just some help to get on their feet.

[coffeeisnectar]

Report it. You shouldn't even need to ask.

Imagine your child living in those conditions. Horrible isn't it?

Those children need protecting.

[sleeponeday]

Call someone and then fw the photos and cut and paste the text of the emails.

Good for you for being willing to ask here.

The children need and deserve help. And bear in mind, the mother may be really unwell in some way and desperately need support. Social Services really don't remove kids unless that's a last resort -- they will try to work with her to improve the situation.

[summerdreams]

Yes I think child protection is everyones place.

[gamerchick]

Everyone has to watch out for littlies, ignoring things means bairns die. You need to report if your friend won't.

[BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn]

I was a child in a family that was reported by another family member. Thank goodness that family member thought the child's (me) welfare was far more important, I would have been left there else. People like your friend and her mum disgust me.

Report it. Say you are because no one else wants to.

[CheekyGit]

I imagine quite a few people would be worried and no one will know where the concern was raised.

[CheekyGit]

Op without a doubt call someone yes, if all is well no worries but locking child in room when sick for gods sake call, poster right in that its not your call so t =o speak, alert authorities and they will decide.

[NotTooSureSal]

I see your point Elsa, bf suffers with crippling anxiety and after her DM said leave it, it'll only cause trouble she just accepted that. I assure you, she's a very nice person. I'll call them later today, will see if I can find out more info that might help first.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Child protection is everyone's place.

[Princesspeach1980]

Definitely report, if you feel uncomfortable going to social services directly, you can report online to nspcc, anonymously if you want to.

Full names and area should be enough, but anything extra you know eg which school/nursery they go to, or which doctors surgery, will help.

They might already be known to children's services, I which case your info helps to build up a picture.