Is my mam being ridiculous or am I over-reacting?

[Toofondofcake]

So my mam just told me that she won't be coming over to our house again unless my husband is at work. They have been giving each other the silent treatment for a while. My mam thinks he is lazy and he resents the way she criticises me and the house.
The conversation came about after she stormed out in s huff last week and I said we needed to talk to clear the air today. She gave him a proper slagging off to me, criticised my parenting a bit and then stormed out today as well.

I just text her telling her she had no right to behave like that and not to come back to ours at all unless she could stop criticising and be supportive.

Am I overreacting or is she being unreasonable? Need some perspective.

[Toofondofcake]

Yeah I did bring up that it's nice when she potters around and tidies a bit but I don't need the guilt trip or the criticism and she said "don't bite the hand that feeds you". It seems like she imagines that if she didn't do the dishes and help with the laundry once a week when she comes over I'd be needing environmental control or something. Frigging mothers eh?! I made my husband promise to tell me to get a grip if I start behaving like that to my girls when they are grown up. All I want is a nice day when she visits y'know. Didn't think it was too much to ask.

[diddl]

"don't bite the hand that feeds you"

Yeah, she's hardly that, is she?

How often do you see her atm?

[nobilityobliges]

But tbh if she's coming over and doing the dishes/washing when your husband is at home, that does kind of suggest he's not doing that stuff.... And the fact that you take her comments as a criticism of you suggest that maybe it would be you doing this stuff rather than your DH if it wasn't your mum. Even though he's at home and you're the one who's just had a baby. Just playing devil's advocate here...

[CodyKing]

I think you need to stop her helping - tell her to leave things alone - or do it with good grace -

It would annoy me - well done for sticking up for your DH - what each of you bring to the marriage is none of her business -

[BillyGoatGruff007]

Unless your mum is without any kind of maternal feelings, then trust me, as an only child she will regret your falling out quicker than you will.
You are the parents of her only grandchildren and, as a GM myself, I can tell you I would move heaven and earth to be on good terms with my GC's parents (which I am, thank goodness. I have the best D and S in law I could ever have wished for).
And, perhaps, as an only child she is used to being in control of your life and is finding it difficult to relinquish the reins.

[BoatyMcBoat]

I assumed that anyone visiting someone with a newborn, at keast did the dishes and a bit of tidying and folding. I've done more than that for people I hardly knew, let alone a daughter!

[musicposy]

But tbh if she's coming over and doing the dishes/washing when your husband is at home, that does kind of suggest he's not doing that stuff

Yes, but why should he have to leap to get it done to his MIL's tune? OP has already said he'll do it but is laid back about it, happy to leave it until the evening and that's nobody's business except his and the OP's.

My house was a complete shite tip when my DCs were babies - washing up left for days, not just until the evening. My mother and my mother in law would both come and do a bit of laundry, hoovering, and washing up and if either of them thought the house was in need of social services (I'm sure MIL did, her house is beautiful) neither of them ever said so. That's how it should be.

Stick by your DH, OP, or your mother will ruin your marriage. If you did have housework issues that's to sort out between you and not your mother's business.

[CodyKing]

I've done more than that for people I hardly knew, let alone a daughter!

This depends if it's done with good grace or criticism .... That's the issue - not the actual tidying

[Toofondofcake]

Well actually DH does jobs like taking out the bins, dishes etc 80 percent of the time cos I mainly do the laundry and general tidying and cooking but that's just how we work together which I'm happy with and we chip in together on the other housework. My mam seems to resent the fact that sometimes I ask my husband to do jobs i.e "babe can you just bio that laundry upstairs for me?" I asked her why that was her business or bothered her and she couldn't really give me a straight answer.

I see her about once a week on average at the mo, she works full time and I don't rely on her for any financial help or anything although she is pretty generous about buying clothes for the kids, I always make it known it's appreciated but never ever ask her to buy them anything.

It's all been bubbling under the surface for a while and I think this blow out has probably been a long time coming.

[Toofondofcake]

I meant "babe can you just nip that laundry upstairs..." Autocorrect ...

[Toofondofcake]

And thanks ladies, really needed the solidarity.

I'll certainly be sticking by my DH and hopefully she will calm down and realise she needs to kind of mind her own business and bite her tongue.

[Artistic]

You have an 18 month old & an infant. If your house is functioning you deserve a medal. My mum is quite critical about tidiness and I just wave off her criticisms with 'it's fine, just relax'. You should probably not rely on her for help at home so that takes away her right to complain. Take her help with your DC and not with your house. Definitely do t let her drive a rift between you & your DH. What works for you both is none of her business really.

[BoatyMcBoat]

The worst thing is having to get things done in time for X to come round, whether that's a relative or friend, but if it's a mum or mil it will wreck all the relationships. I used to have to rush around to get washing up done, hoovering and tidying if there was any likelihood at all of mil 'popping in'. She would look at everything down her nose, and make little noises of disapproval "oh! Boaty, don't you do washing up?". Very innocent little question absolutely loaded. DH pretended that he thought it was nothing - nearly wrecked our marriage, not to mention the effect it had on my relationship with her.

So, if you and dh are happy with how things are, when he does the washing up, when the tidying's done etc, don't let her make you feel bad about it. Make it clear that you're not interested by ignoring any little digs and so on. "Oh mum, stop worrying about stuff. It's OK!" is enough.

[sallyhasleftthebuilding]

I think it's great your DH prioritises playing with the kids over house work. I assume that's why things get left till when they are in bed!!

Much easier to tidy when they are out of the way asleep - otherwise your fighting a losing battle.

Any news from DM? Or is it a major sulk?

[blondieblondie]

You've got a brand spanking new baby and a toddler. A few dishes in the sink or a pile of washing needing put away hardly means you're living in a slim. She's being rotten and should mind her own business. If you and your husband are happy, carry on as you are and enjoy your kids.

[corythatwas]

I wonder if those people who think this is proper having-your-back mum-stuff be equally forgiving if it was the husband's mother who turned up and called the wife lazy if her housework was less than 100^ perfect. I have occasionally tried to make clear to my DM that criticism of the way in which we run our house is not just her being frank with her daughter: it is her treating dh exactly the way that she has never forgiven her MIL for treating her.

Because this is his house as much as mine and it is up to him as much as it is to me to decide what standards of housekeeping are maintained. She has complained enough in the past about women not getting equality and recognition in the workplace, but she cannot see that this is not compatible with automatically treating women as the experts in charge of the home.

[Lovewineandchocs]

Does "only coming round when your husband is at work" mean "coming round when you are on your own with the kids so she can freely criticise you without him standing up for you"? She sounds kinda like my mum! Constant criticism is very wearing and I think you're doing well to have a clean house at all with a month old baby and other kids too. My mum dismissed any talk of "this is our house, our rules etc" with "I've heard that before" and went right on criticising. I'm sorry to say we had a huge number of emotional (on my part), she was like talking to a brick wall and frustrating rows and my DH had to talk to her a number of times. It took years (but she was looking after our eldest DS 3 days a week and staying over!) but now she keeps her mouth shut mostly and when she comes over she will start doing washing and folding etc if it is there, without commenting on why it isn't done. I think she likes to feel needed as she is on her own (divorced when I was a child) and to feel invaluable in some way. Could your mum be like that?

[BillBrysonsBeard]

This is not normal OP, I am always so shocked at what I read on here. So many family members adding stress to their supposed loved ones. If my mum was like this I would back away. Life is hard enough without people who love you making it harder! You have two small kids, if you manage to get the washing up done on the same day it was made then you are doing good. No-one died from not living in a pristine home.
What is it with so many of this older generation of women who make their childrens lives hard with constant judging and negativity. I just don't get it. Are they just copying their own parents and don't have the strength to change their ways? I really hope it's changing these days.. Most mums I know adore their children and would never be like this.

[Atenco]

I think it is a great idea that she only comes round when your husband is at work, as long as she stops criticising.

[Toofondofcake]

Update: mam still sulking, haven't heard a peep from her, this is not surprising as she can hold a grudge for a long time. She may even wait until I crack and get in touch with her as that's happened before.

Lovewineandchocs yeah that actually sounds a lot like my mam, single mam with me as only child and I think she is convinced that if I do it her way everything about my life will be "better".

I think she'll hold out on us for the long haul which is really sad because she's depriving herself of time with her only grandkids and is quite happily accept the help if it wasn't accompanied by critisism and hostility towards DH.

[BarbarianMum]

If my MiL felt free to criticise me in this way she wouldn't be welcome in my house. If my mum was hostile to dh I'd meet up at hers or in town but she'd not be welcome in my house either.

[AdjustableWench]

Sounds like your mam is quite controlling. If your relationship is working for you, then it's really none of her business. Don't cave - you have young children and you need to be free to make your own decisions about how your family life works.

[Atenco]

You cannot let her criticise your husband, that is just not on. It might be different if you went running to ask her for her opinion, but otherwise it is not her place.