To complain about my free childcare arrangement?

[Dilemmawithfil12]

FIL looks after DD 1 day a week while I work, he is fully retired and I am so great full for this as we would be screwed financially without it.

However he has DD at our house and every week I come home to some form of damage in my house that he has caused. For example, he forgot to do the lid up on her drink and spilt juice all over our brand new £1000 sofa, he didn't clean it up so it's now stained. The week before she was sick on the rug and he didn't clean it up, just left it all day and it was so ruined we had to throw it out. The week before that he went to the woods and didn't take his shoes off (he never does) and trod mud all into the brand new carpets upstairs. He also goes through her wardrobes and throws the clothes on the floor as he gets them out, leaving them creased in a pile. He also leaves poo-y nappies around the house.

He also ignores my requests for, no juice and no sweets etc. But this doesn't bother me as much.

I have mentioned these things in passing but obviously am reluctant to Say anything properly as he is doing us a massive favour.

If I stop using him I have to give up work and we will be even more financially screwed than we are now. Plus he loves having her as it's something to do, he's always asking to come round and is the one who asked to have her 1 day a week. He suggested more but I declined.

Would I be unreasonable to tell him to start respecting my house a bit more? Considering he is doing it for free? Does anyone have other suggestions? I'm ready for a flaming!

[RudeElf]

£1000 sofa but cant afford 1 day a week childcare?

And at the poster advising to pay a cleaner to come in to clean up after him on that day when OP wont pay for childcare on that day.

[badg3r]

Could you pay a cleaner got an hour or two a week to come in at the end of the day that he has her?! They could maybe do some other tasks as well as just tidying up after fil. And still much cheaper than a childminder.

[landrover]

Blimey (my DH is 63 ) doesn't seem any age!

[Dilemmawithfil12]

He is 60

[landrover]

How old is he, OP?

[Dilemmawithfil12]

I don't think there is lack of suitable care for DD, if I thought that I would stop immediately. It's a lack of respect not a lack of care of my DD.
I don't think it's fair that you are implying I care more for my sofas than my child, they are just the issue.
Good idea about throw, I will get one for the meantime, I wonder if I can get enough to cover the carpets too!

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Lol I can't believe someone has actually turned it round so much as to be quizzing OP about whether she is grateful enough. A new level even for AIBU

[Boomingmarvellous]

Instead of child proofing your house maybe FIL proof it instead? Sofa throws, cheap rugs in high dirt areas. That type of thing

[SwearyKnickers]

Agree he isn't up to the job and would't be leaving a baby with him, How hands on was he with his children if he can't even clean up after himself properly?

[Dilemmawithfil12]

I do use a childminder for the other days I work but I don't make any money aside from the day he does so would have to leave if he didn't.

I have showed him the nappy bags/ bins, he will then do it once and not. Again. With the sick he put a towel over it so she wouldn't get to it and then left it festering underneath all day.

DH has mentioned things to him but he too is reluctant as he's doing us a favour.

I'm the one who comes home to it as DH will still be at work snd it's usually her dinner time so I don't notice things till after he's gone

[chillycurtains]

It doesn't sound like it's the damage that is the problem but the lack of suitable care of your DD. Not cleaning up vomit, leaving dirty nappies around and ignoring your instructions regarding drinks and sweets are just examples of what bad childcare he is given. I am a bit at the fact you are worried about your carpet and sofa.

[diddl]

Sorry, no, he's not capable.

It's not necessary to leave vomit & shitty nappies about & throw clothes on the floor.

[CalleighDoodle]

My parents said the exAct same thing. All their stuff is at ny bouae. So i dropped stuff off at their house.

Seriously, you need a childminder/

[HPsauciness]

But it's not capable, is it? You wouldn't accept it from any other childcarer, not just paid, but your husband, your friend, after-school club. Why is he exempt and allowed to leave shitty nappies and sick around the place?

I don't think he is capable, that or he is contemptuous of you.

How would he react if you mentioned this (I wouldn't mention the orange, that was a genuine mistake although I wouldn't let a child drink away from the table anyway)? If you said- nappies must go in this black bag, all sick/poo needs to be cleaned up, here's the wipes.

[HPsauciness]

This is all very odd.

I can't quite understand how someone could leave a pile of sick sitting about all day, it's just inconceivable.

Are you sure he's capable of doing this? It's beyond messy to leave poo and sick where a child could get at it again.

What does your husband think?

[Dilemmawithfil12]

He's capable. He's just messy and has a lack of respect. We don't have a great relationship anyway but I've put up with it all for DH and DD's sake.
I don't think it's that he doesn't want to do it as he adores her and says how easy/good she is.

[diddl]

He actually doesn't sound very capable.

Throwing clothes on the floor, leaving shitty nappies & vomit?

Why?

[Dilemmawithfil12]

MIL died years ago so he's not being cleaned up after, his house is ok. Not tidy or paticularly clean, he's not house proud.

We do thank him and occasionally take him out to dinner, we watch the cat if he goes away etc.

He doesn't want her at his house as all her stuff is here, thanks for suggestions.

He's never said sorry and he'll never mention it until I find it.

He's good with her and she loves him, she's 2. The mess and damage is driving me insane!!

[Purplepicnic]

Being undomesticated and impractical is one thing but leaving a pile of vomit on the floor? Dirty nappies lying around? That sounds out of the ordinary to me and I would be worried about his ability to care for her.

[CandyFlossBrain]

It's not really free childcare if he's systematically wrecking your house! Can you drop her off at his house instead?

[zoemaguire]

You could be describing my dad! He can't multitask for the life of him and doesn't see mess. He is extraordinary with my kids but I get back to an absolute bombsite. I do comment, sometimes vociferously, but mess is just not on his radar. He thinks putting one cup by the sink counts as 'clearing up' even though the entire table and floor are covered in play dough/dirty plates/crumbs/toys. No solutions, but much sympathy. The kids love him dearly and he is besotted with them, so although he drives me bonkers, I guess that is the really important thing!

[Spandexpants007]

How house proud is he generally? At home and when DH was a child? Did he do the house chores years ago? Does he find looking after a child all day exhausting? My parents do despite my children being laid back.

[EveryoneElsie]

Is he playing Schlemiel? Its a game people play;
www.ericberne.com/games-people-play/schlemiel/

Schlemiel damages something, then you either suck it up or say something.
If you say something the game moves on a step, and he moves to the next play.

[Emus]

Could it be deliberate because he doesn't want to mind her but doesn't want to come out and say it? What's your relationship like normally? I can't see how anyone could leave vomit and spilt juice untouched. That's odd. Unless he can't see very well?