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AIBU?

.. to turn my DSD's bedroom back into a family room?

46 replies

Scootering · 21/04/2016 14:31

DSD moved out four months ago to stay with her bf ... and hasn't moved back!

Her bedroom is a complete tip and mainly taken up with a giant bed that we bought her a few years ago. Her bedroom is the main 'lounge' room in our small house: the only other room is a kitchen/diner/sitting room that we all use.

DH doesn't want to touch DD's bedroom, so she is always welcome to come back. I think that is a bit daft. We could do with the space.

She also has a room at her mother's house although they don't get on.

WIBU to want to put her stuff in boxes and reclaim the room? She can always have it back if she wants to come back.

OP posts:

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TheVeryThing · 21/04/2016 15:38

When I moved out of home to do a PhD (so living in fairly basic student accommodation) my Mum took over my room for running her small business.

She put a futon in there and my stuff got boxed up but I had no objection as it was still available to me when I wanted to visit at weekends.

The current set up seems ridiculous, though. Has your DH said how long he thinks you should keep her room free?

I have three siblings and we all moved out and then back at various stages after studying, travelling etc.

Nobody's room was kept as it was and we just adapted to whatever accommodation was available (and were grateful to have it!).

GreenTomatoJam · 21/04/2016 15:42

I think in families then the family gets to use the house, and whilst she would be welcome back, you should reclaim the room (sofa bed is a good idea)

I moved out when I was 18, my bed was barely cold before my sister claimed my room for herself (she'd been sharing with another sister) - fair enough, I wasn't planning to go back, and she had to live there all the time, no point keeping it as some kind of shrine for when I visited at the weekends.

AgathaF · 21/04/2016 15:49

I really want DH to take the lead on asking her, but he doesn't want to do so - do you mean he doesn't really want to change the room, rather than he doesn't want to take the lead on changing it? Because they are two entirely different things.

I think a month is far too soon to be turfing her out of her bedroom. In all likelyhood, she'll be back at some point, upset because she's broken up with her boyfriend, and upset because he Dad hasn't kept her room for her.

Is it possible to divide the room up with a stud wall at all, so that she can keep a bedroom for a while longer? A day bed is a sort of compromise, but if/when she comes back, she's going to feel that she's kipping on the sofa in the living room, which is exactly what it will be.

Scootering · 21/04/2016 15:51

She moved out four months ago - not big enough to put a stud wall in!

OP posts:

PPie10 · 21/04/2016 15:58

I think you can compromise. Use it as a living room with a sort of couch bed. She may well be back as she's so young and a fairly new relationship.

NewLife4Me · 21/04/2016 15:58

You need the space she has left home, it doesn't matter if it's a step child or not, you have a small house.
your dh is BU, he should discuss it with her, tell her the changes you have both decided upon and the door is always open etc.

NewLife4Me · 21/04/2016 16:00

We moved 12 year old dd into smallest room from her huge room when she started boarding. She is home some weekends and holidays so doesn't need a huge room.
Ds2 21 had her room and dh has ds2 room for office/ store.
You do what suits your household.

mix56 · 21/04/2016 16:12

I think you tell her whats happening, reassure it can return to being her room again if required but not black repaint & use the house that four other people live in, & that you finance, & if she wants to check nothing precious is being binned, she will have to come & sort it herself.
Life goes on. mutter mutter,

whois · 21/04/2016 16:15

I would put in a comfy day bed that you COULD actually sleep on for more than one night and some decent stoorage for her stuff, and redecorate. Then you get a rom that you can all use, btu she can still have a room if she wants/needs.

I would 100% talk to her first, say you're always hoping shell come home but it doesn;'t make sense having an empty room. You're going to make it more usable for the rest of the family, but she just has to say the word, and its hers again.

madamginger · 21/04/2016 16:54

Literally the day I moved out my sister claimed my room as her own (and she repainted it)
I think it's fair enough if your house is small and you need the room

Charley50 · 21/04/2016 17:19

Reclaim the room; check ikea or apartment therapy for ideas on multiple use rooms, don't throw away any of her stuff but offer to help her declutter.

Oswin · 21/04/2016 17:26

Yanbu you can't have a living room going unused.
Growing up there was five kids in a three bed house.
Whenever someone moved out they knew that while they were welcome back there bed or rooms would be changed around and they might have to have a sofa bed.

TwentyCupsOfTea · 21/04/2016 17:31

Has she really truly moved out? In terms of, addresses changed on documents/bank/work? Is she still on the electoral roll? Does she have post coming in? IF she does she's not really gone for good IMO. if she has changed her address legally then go for it. Talk to her before you do anything - there are big important votes coming up! Tell her you need to inform the electoral roll whether she is to be listed at your house or not. If she ums and ahs and doesn't want to say for definite then use that as an opening to discuss the bedroom.

neonrainbow · 21/04/2016 17:38

What would you do if she was your daughter? I expect you would say "hey dd we need the living room as you're now living with your boyfriend, can you sort your stuff out and we are going to repaint. If you need to store stuff here then you can put it in the loft. If you need somewhere to come back to then you can but we need the extra living space. " its not as though you are kicking a 7 year old out of their bedroom.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/04/2016 17:40

It's been four months. This is a family house not DSD's pad she kindly allows you to live in. It is crazy the rest of you restricted to one area when the big room sits unused and left in a state. Don't turf her stuff, raise the subject next time you see her face to face.

crazywriter · 21/04/2016 17:41

I'd definitively talk to her about it first and make it clear she is welcome back. DH left at 16 and within weeks everything was changed (due to reasonable reasons) and he was relegated to the living room when he came back for very short periods (a months or so). He was a bit out out but understood. He does joke about his family making it impossible for him to move back if/when he needed it.

When I went to uni, my sister took my bigger room and I was stuck with her box room. Ps talked to us both about it and I knew it was a reasonable requested but also knew that I was still welcome back between terms. I only went back during the first summer for the whole holiday and then a few weeks now and then though because I hated the small room.it also became Ps dumping ground.

It's all about knowing that she's welcome back. But she could need to move back with a days notice so could you quickly turn it back? Maybe a sofa bed in the room?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 21/04/2016 17:50

YANBU to want to use the space as you need the room and, currently, it is just going to waste but I definitely think your DH should talk to her about it first.

Just make it clear that she can absolutely come home whenever she wants to, and reclaim her room, but for now the people actually living in the house need to use it.

It isn't an unreasonable thing to do at all - provided DSD knows she is free and welcome to have the room back at any time.

Eustace2016 · 21/04/2016 18:44

Make sure she knows. Saythat as she knows you are all cramped in theo ne diner and propose to move her room back to a family room but with a sofa bed for when she stays, that you will keep all her thigns and if she prefers she can come round and pack them or even say you will pay for a storage unit for them too if she has too many. Also check she isn't just about the move home.

If you had a big house it would be different. Even in our case of no step children my daughters have both left home (although both came back from 2 years after university to go to Law school in London so needed rooms then in their early 20s here) and one of their rooms is now used by their brother. In both cases they came home to help us sort through stuff and I have stored about 20 boxes for each girl in my newly boarded loft until they own a place big enough to take it all.

Scootering · 30/04/2016 22:46

Well, DH asked her and she said no way, it's her room.

DH says we should leave it for now.

I am really cross...

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 30/04/2016 23:36

Don't blame you on one hand. On the other, she'll probably be moving back in within 6 months and you'd just have to do it all over again.

I'd still paint those damn walls, though.

SBlink · 10/05/2016 16:58

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