To ask for advice & strategies to cope with my life better?

[Livingtothefull]

The following is my litany of problems:

My teenage DS has severe disabilities, both physical (wheelchair bound) and severe learning difficulties (he has a mental age of around 4) So DH and I are heavily preoccupied with his care, we have very little outside support except that which we pay for ourselves with Disability Living Allowance. With this support we fit his care around his attendance at special school and our full time jobs.

DS will be leaving school in the next few years so need to plan. We are in the process of applying for the new Personal Independence Payment (even the phraseology sets my teeth on edge - so now DS is supposed to 'aspire to independence' rather than merely 'living with disability'. It is a lengthy stressful process to reapply for what we thought was accepted to be a lifelong, life limiting condition. And I am desperately worried that at the end of it a reason may be found to withhold the benefit from him.

DH has found out that he is going to need fairly major surgery in the next few months. I am worried, not just about him, but about the logistics of caring for DS while DH is recovering.

This brings me to the specific question I have:

I am holding down a professional job in the meantime but I am getting worried about my ability to cope. Although the feedback I have received has all been positive and nobody has expressed concerns to me about the job I am doing. They are aware of my situation with DS and DH surgery and have been supportive, offered flexitime and to work from home etc.

But I can't get rid of this feeling that I am an 'imposter' and am not coping and it will only be a matter of time before I am found out. Every time I make a mistake I magnify it in my head, it doesn't help that I am exceptionally busy at the moment and so I am finding it hard to keep up, whenever somebody has to chase me for something I reproach myself, am paranoid that they are thinking that I am not doing a good job, are going to complain about me etc.

I have had bad experiences in workplaces in the past, and if I am honest I think I am traumatised by the issues we have had to deal with re DS. So these feelings are coloured by this - but I don't know how to get past them. I NEED to keep this job and for it to be a success. I am arranging to get counselling btw which may help; but this is taking a while to set up, & I need some strategies for dealing with this in the short term, can't go on like this!.

My question is: can anyone advise me on such strategies? Have some of you been in comparable situations in the past with multiple problems and stuff going on, and how did you keep a level head? How do I convince others (and myself) that I can cope and not let this fear get in my way? I need to find a way to turn off the fear spigot located in my head?

Sorry rather long & I hope all this makes sense!

[Livingtothefull]

Just a wee update on this…..had a meeting with my boss recently and the feedback was that I am doing OK, not spectacular but satisfactory. Just a few areas to work on.

Since then though a few issues have come to light & boss has expressed concern, hasn't directly criticised me but by implication it is clear I could/should have handled them better, if I am really honest it is true. But I am SO busy & stressed it is not true, it is hard to concentrate.

I had to work late today to try to get on top of things, had some kind of fit/seizure and temporarily lost my memory. I can't go on like this, can't even focus on DS & am so scared I will lose my job. Then I will be letting down my family esp DS. If I admit I am struggling they may just realise that I am not cut out for the job and just get rid. I am scared it is true I am not up to it, I can't even think straight for being stressed & forget everything I know, I have lost my judgment & even the simplest decisions are hard.

It is hard to describe what my life is like. I have no downtime at all, holidays I have to care for DS. The only free times I have are evenings like this one when DS is asleep.

[Livingtothefull]

Btw the to do list is a great idea madcap thanks, I have been trying to keep to that & it helps as otherwise keeping track of everything needing doing is hard.

[buckingfrolicks]

Oh Livingtothefull your life sounds absolutely terrible - non stop responsibility, one awful thing happening after another, and no end in sight. I take my hat off to you.

Of course you're going to be in a state of fear - because fear happens when we feel out of control, when we feel unsafe, psychologically. So that fear becomes your 'normal' state - and you're bringing that state of mind into work.

It's terribly difficult to manage this frame of mind alone, and I hope you find a counsellor to support you soon.

Try and forgive yourself for feeling fearful and unable to cope. Look at yourself in a mirror and talk to yourself kindly; tell yourself you are a good person doing the best you can under appallingly difficult circumstances, that your life is full to the brim but not giving you much back, because it's full of other people's demands and needs. Tell yourself you love and forgive yourself for finding it hard.

It works for me when I'm feeling overwhelmed (but your life puts mine in the shade). You sound like a lovely woman to me. x

[Livingtothefull]

Thanks bucking frolics, I will try that & it may help. I will try it this morning.

Absolutely dreading work today, I have to sort out one of the screw ups. I feel extremely guilty about the things I have done wrong, I don't feel confident at all just like a delinquent schoolgirl. I do worry now that I am just not up to life's demands, I just haven't got it in me.

HOW do I get out of feeling like this? Whether it is right or wrong it just isn't helping me.

[thesandwich]

Oh living! Sending big((((()))))))) you are amazing . What you are trying to do is impossible. Please be kind to yourself. You are not a failure. Deep breath. Do what you can. Make a list of the three things you must get done today at work. And breathe.

[thesandwich]

Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. If you get ten mins look at the headspace free app. Mindfulness made easy. And make an apt with your gp

[polosarethefoodofgods]

You don't mention if you take antidepressants, they can certainly play their part in helping you to calm the racing thoughts. I would be inclined to speak to a doctor and outline every thing you've written in this post. At the very least they'll be able to arrange some respite or signpost you to relevant services. You are doing a fab job but I'm worried about the seizure thing you described. You need to take care of you as a priority perhaps get husband to step in at the moment before he has no choice in the matter and you end up breaking down.

[Livingtothefull]

Thanks all, I am taking heed of ALL your advice…..getting ADs from my doctor & have picked up a book on mindfulness too.

It went OK at work today, no other major problems arose although I live in dread of this happening and of being judged and found wanting. When I feel like this it is hard to think straight, I have lost faith in myself and feel unintelligent. I see no way out of this. The loss of confidence affects my performance, it is a chicken and egg situation.

[thesandwich]

Do have a look at the bujo threads- very simple ideas about using a notebook to help structure your thoughts. Brilliant and simple. And every day just reflect on what you have achieved.

[Hicks123]

Not sure of your DS's condition but wondered if you had any links with other parents in similar situation, such as through support groups for his condition or a children's hospice (which is for children with life limiting conditions throughout their whole life, not as often thought only for dying children)? Sometimes just feeling "normal" and talking about shared problems with other parents can help reduce anxiety and you also might be able to access counselling support and practical help about your benefits.

[CocktailQueen]

Respite care - especially got when dh will be recovering from op
Support groups - other parents?
Does Ds have a social worker who can help you fill in forms, or point you to other funding he may be entitled to?

I admire you and feel for you - you have so much on your plate, no wonder you're stressed and forgetting things. Sending you lots of hugs and

[CocktailQueen]

For, not got!

[Serenite]

Hi - I couldn't read a thread like yours and not comment, even though I've not much to say to help practically. Your life seems so very hard at the moment and the anxiety and worry are affecting the brighter moments with your boy, who is the central focus for your love and concerns.
It seems to me that you need to look at the two areas of your life separately, the practical help you need, in particular, in the short term, and the emotional support you need personally.
Other posters have mentioned some practical help ideas, I have no knowledge of those but I hope you get something in place quickly.
For your emotional support and well being, you need to address it immediately. You are fading in the demands on you and worries you have and pressure you are putting on yourself and I can't imagine the strength you must have to go on. It's the big stick that we, as women, so often beat ourselves with, that we won't handle things, the awful 'what if's', the fear of being 'found out', not to be good enough - the inner critic is the most severe and most debilitating to our lives.
We have to shut off the inner voice and change our way of thinking.
Change is hard but change is possible, slowly and day by day. I've done it but still have moments every day when I can momentarily listen to the negative voice, and of course this is worse when you're not sleeping enough, are worried, feeling fearful and overwhelmed and fed up.
I have found listening to books at night, just having them play in the background really helped me. I am a strong believer in Louise Hay and her books have a strong message about changing your thinking and how not to let your thoughts consume and overwhelm you. They are on YouTube for free, listen to them, I think they might help and teach you new ways to think. The reality is that your situation may not change so you have to find ways to change yourself and adapt so you manage - and your thinking, about work, your son, fear for the future etc will all be affected - it's an inside job. What you think, worry about, be anxious over so often doesn't happen. There are so many books about this, this concept of being two existences if you like, the practical physical world and the world of our inner voice and thoughts - having an awareness of this will help.
Sleep as much as you can, sleep is healing and calms a worried mind, especially if you are subliminally listening to positive words even when you are asleep.
Think about how you are holding yourself, your posture, stand up straight and hold your space - allow yourself to be proud of what you have achieved so far, what you are doing. It may seem like it will be never ending but all life is change and things will change.
Wear your makeup, dress well, walk well, stand up straight and speak slowly at work, drink camomile tea - do not allow anyone to phase you - you are doing incredible work. When you see yourself in a mirror, smile, it relaxes you. Play loud positive music on your way into work, or when you can to energise yourself, it's uplifting and when we feel overwhelmed often music is something that goes.
I am interested to hear how things go for you so please update going forward.
Sometimes all we can do is the next right thing. Keeping things into chunks like that helps but you will need to train yourself not to catastropize things. Listen to feel the fear and do it anyway - an oldie but has really strong message, again for women in particular I found. I believe in listen to these books, the message doesn't get into your head the same way when you read them, but listen over and over again. They will give you knowledge and awareness of your thinking - a lot of the time just having that knowledge is enough to instigate change.
Talking is a great release, to a friend, someone who is really listening. It's as good as therapy, although, of course, therapy can be essential. I don't know if there are carer groups that meet up to talk about challenges but such groups hold power; give them a go if you can find one.
Also write things down - it's all about getting stuff out of your head. When you have a worry, train yourself to say to yourself I'm doing ok, I can handle it etc. When thinking about a work issue, write down the top 3 things you'll need to do to get the task done. And put a time frame on it and get it done. And be so proud of yourself in how you are managing in a really difficult time in your life.
And when you need to punch a pillow and scream into it - it's getting the tension/built up anxiety out (even though it sounds a bit crazy) - doing something physical like this can change the extension in yourself, which has a knock on effect on your thinking.
Do try camomile tea, two teabags, nice and strong, drink when not too hot- it works, takes away the niggly anxiety.
I hope this helps in any small way

[Livingtothefull]

Thank you all SO much, I can't believe how much help there is here! I am following up on all the help, links etc you have offered here….in rl I am looking into every source of support.

The bujo system looks great thesandwich, it could really work for me, I am not the world's most organised person!

Serenite - there is so much in your post, thank you so much! I have read it carefully through and will reread it. I know I need to feel a little prouder of what I am doing, it is really hard though when any sense of pride refuses to materialise & instead I just feel guilty because I am conscious of how much I fall short.

Because guilt and fear don't just disappear when I want them to, because I think they want to go, I worry that they are on solid ground….that there really are things to intensely worry and feel guilty about. I have so much on my plate, I feel that I need to be a strong confident person, a stranger to self doubt, in order to deal with it. And I am just not. My DS needs a strong fearless DM to defend him and fight his corner. Instead he has….me.

I mentioned in my original post about the fear spigot, the little tap into my consciousness that pulses adrenaline and other stress chemicals into me, makes me live with miserable anxiety which makes the already-difficult aspects of my life, near-impossible. In an effort to circumvent this wellspring of raw fear, my GP has prescribed Sertraline as anti anxiety medication. Has anyone any experience of this and how/whether it works?

[thesandwich]

There are threads on here about it- no personal experience have found citalopram helped me massively during a very stressful time. It worked to calm the racing heart and pulse and enabled me to breathe and sleep. A way to help get back on top of stuff. You are a strong and fearless person. Everyone doubts and has fears. You are doing an amazing job. Keep posting.

[Livingtothefull]

Thank you again thesandwich. I am told that the medication will take a couple of weeks to work so hopefully will feel better soon. In the short term though I have to go back to work & deal with the mountain of urgent & sensitive items on my plate….dreading dreading tomorrow!

I have worried all weekend about next week's work, it has spoiled my weekend though have hidden this from DH and of course DS. Nobody in rl to talk it over with.

I want to be free of the worries (which load all past present and future problems onto the current moment) and just go to work and deal with what has to be dealt with, be completely cold and steely. I can't be like that, I don't know how to. I know rationally it makes no sense to be so fearful but I can't think and reason my way out of this. I can barely think at all right now, except of fear and dread.

[thesandwich]

Oh living. Please feel free to offload here- I do get what you mean about feeling alone. One thing that works for me is to spend 1/2 HR just writing down a huge list of everything I believe has to be done- and then looking at what I can try and tackle each day. Try and compartmentalise. You cannot do it all. Seek advice or help. Speak to your boss. Reschedule tasks. And then try and relax for the rest of the weekend. Leave the list until tomorrow.

[Laura812]

YOu are managing with all inds of difficult things, well done. I think you are right to consider your job as absolutely crucial as for your next 20 years and for the good of the family particularly if your husband is off sick and not getting paid little matters as much as your earnings.

I seem able to switch off from work most of the time. I also work full time. I don't know how I do that. I just don't think about it when I'm not doing it and that has got better with age and experience.

Is there a possibility of residential care for your son when he leaves school as that might make your husband's and your life a lot easier and you could make loads of visits to your son even so but the day in day out hard labour might be reduced. That does work for some people. It is not of course for everyone and there are not residential places of everyone either.

For me if I get a lot of sleep and only eat whole foods I feel very good particularly if I can manage a walk or bikram yoga from time to time. That definitely affects my mood hugely. It might be worth looking at what you eat and drink on a typical day.

[Livingtothefull]

Thanks again. I am hanging in there….it has been a tough few weeks, I thought I was almost going to have a nervous breakdown at the weekend & when I am in this kind of state it is just about impossible to think rationally.

I am worried that I have shown the stress I am under at work & people will think I am not up to the job/a loon!

I am hoping that the Sertraline will kick in soon, have heard some good stories about it but have been on it only a week. Am also trying out the Mindfulness and may also investigate Cognitive Therapy…..may have to pay for this myself though & still feel insecure in this job.

[horizontilting]

Setraline could really help, Living, I find it does and I started on it when my thoughts were consuming me with anxiety. I felt a real difference within 10 days. If you don't feel it's helping within the time frame the GP said, do just go back - you can need a higher dose for it to work or sometimes a different medication. It's always important to go back to the GP for other options and not just think "anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds don't work"

20 minutes walk outside if you can, the mindfulness on headspace (just sign into the website and you can start - all you have to do is listen).

If you can go privately to a therapist, I would start now, it doesn't sound like the best idea to wait, you have so many demands on you that it's no wonder your mental health is taking the brunt.

This is a book very often used in CBT, a self-help one which is written for clients to understand and tackle difficulties such as anxious thoughts:

www.amazon.co.uk/Mind-Over-Mood-Change-Changing/dp/1462520421/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1461783945&sr=1-1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

It's written by professionals and gives simple, researched, effective techniques.

[LittleMoonbuggy]

Sorry I don't really have any advice, just wanted to say that I think you sound amazing.

You have so much on your plate, with your DS and his significant needs, DH upcoming surgery, and full working life.

Full credit to you, not everyone would be able to juggle all that, even if you do feel like an imposter. I suspect we all feel a bit like that sometimes, wonder if we are really up to the demands of our careers, especially when the demands get increased all the time and constant changes to cope with.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, you're doing brilliantly. Hope the suggestions upthread are of help to you.

[thesandwich]

Living- you are dealing with so much. You can do it. But please find a few moments to get in the sunshine and breathe. Tons of good advice here- good luck and there is always someone here.

[thetemptationofchocolate]

OP have you heard of Impostor Syndrome? It's very common. I can almost guarantee that if you google it, you will think the articles have been written about you!
I did find this page though, with some useful tips on how to deal with it, hope it's helpful to you :)
startupbros.com/21-ways-overcome-impostor-syndrome/

[thesandwich]

How are you doing? Hope the ads are helping

[Livingtothefull]

I'm doing OK thank you…..just hanging in there. This has all coincided with an incredibly busy time at work, would be stressful in any case however calm and confident I felt…..and I feel anything but.

I am still feeling permanently nervous and it makes it hard for me to think straight & cope with everything I have to. I am sure my fear shows making it harder to gain credibility at work.

It is as though everything, all my thoughts, insights, plans etc get sucked into the 'fear' vortex before I even have a chance to analyse & deal with them…..then I have to reassemble them at the other end as best I can. It is a weird feeling, as though this automatic/nameless fear eclipses everything & so I can't make any accurate and dispassionate judgments. I feel as though I don't really have a personality because I don't really know how I feel about the real things that are happening…..just the permanent, nameless dread.

I am not explaining this very well, apologies for the verbal diarrhoea. I am hoping the ADs start to work soon, no sign of this yet but am only a fortnight taking them so maybe I will turn a corner soon!